Dec
18
I need to be writing here every day because there has been so much good stuff going on and I want to remember it! But first, let me catch you up on last Sunday and the amazing CAT PARTY I attended.
The CAT PARTY was first mentioned to me when I was on the phone with Billy’s breeder, it truly was one of the first things she talked about. Before we got into any of the details of what kittens were available or vetting me for my ability to be a good owner or talking about what to know about owning a Maine Coon, she let me know about the CAT PARTIES she hosts twice a year – I had just missed the summer barbecue, but I would be on the invite list for the December event.
This party — catered, at an events center, music and prizes, and of course there would be cats! — was mentioned several times throughout the process of acquiring Billy, and each time I was sort of like oh ha ha that’s cool sounds great, but time marched on and eventually the event was coming right up. I wrangled my sweet hospice family friends to go with me, I thought it would be nice for sweet Ms I and her daughter C to get out and see some cats and maybe we’d have something jolly to laugh about later, but unfortunately I was having a hard day on Sunday so they couldn’t come. I tried to strong-arm Riley into attending with me (“I think it’ll be weird! And there will be cats!!”) but it was a no go.
What to do?? I considered skipping it, I really did. It felt like a Whole Lot to fly solo to the CAT PARTY but I reagarded the invite again and its mentions of bringing cats and decided what the hell. In for a cat penny, in for a cat pound – Billy would be my plus-one.
He was game to get in the carrier and aside from some mild complaining did very well on the drive out there, and let me tell you it was a drive! Way out past Eugene in a rural area and when I pulled up I felt a little yikes because there were not that many cars there so clearly it was going to be an intimate CAT PARTY rather than the more anonymous raging cat banger I had hoped for. But I gathered my courage and Billy’s carrier and marched right in, where I did not know a soul and at first thought I would maybe die but then I eventually ran into the host family I had gotten Billy from. So I had someone to talk to a bit, and other people were very nice and friendly, and everyone had a cat!
I ended up sitting at a table next to the most interesting woman, and I kind of glommed onto her and that’s where I stayed. Billy was on a harness and did very well, he was a little stressed for a while in that I could feel him trembling, but he became more calm and spent quite some time sitting contendedly in this woman’s husband’s lap. I learned that this couple lives outside of Portland on a farm, and I was invited to come visit sometime — they have Scottish highland cattle!! It was so cool to see their cats, Billy’s age, and learn about their similarities. “Does he just drape himself across you at night,” she asked me, and I was like OH MY GOD YES.
There was in fact music and prizes and there were a few kids playing, and cats everywhere. Cats in laps, cats in big pop-up play areas, cats being carried from one table to another. Young cats like Billy and enormous full-grown majestic furbeasts. We all got a little gift stocking with cat treats. There was a buffet setup with food and a bunch of young catering staff that surely had seen it all but had they seen a CAT PARTY quite like this, I meant to ask one of them but did not. There was a large dessert table and beautiful custom cat-themed sugar cookies that were too pretty to eat. There was an area for cat holiday photos and my new farm friends and I took turns taking each other’s pictures.
Before I left I thanked the generous host and she reminded me about this summer’s barbecue and I was like absolutely of course would not miss it for anything, are you kidding me I am putting it in my calendar right this minute. My new friend and I joked about driving in the dark at our age, she said “Sometimes I’m like, is there even a road at all??” and I was like OH MY GOD YES. We exchanged numbers and I declared my intent to visit her farm and no promises on not stealing at least one cow.
I drove away with Billy all tuckered out in his carrier next to me, thinking how grateful I was that it had worked out the way it did. Never say no to a CAT PARTY, check.
Dec
17
I think will always associate bupropion with the fourth of July and working at the rodeo last summer, because that’s the week I bumped up my dose per instructions from 1 to 2 pills, 300 mg. I remember thinking, I hope this helps me talk to people, because I am about to talk to a LOT of people.
Months prior I had volunteered to help in the “cowboy shack,” a little trailer that hands out food to the riders and their families, and at the time it felt a good comfortable ways off and I did not think too much about the work itself. As the date approached I got pretty nervous about it and actually thought about cancelling before I peptalked my way into sticking to my commitments and also decided to be hopeful that the generic Wellbutrin I’d started taking would make a difference.
I really think it did. Or I have convinced myself that bupropion helps with anxiety and it is an ongoing placebo effect, and if so that’s just fine with me.
I’ve had Wellbutrin prescribed to me a couple different times in my life and I had come to think of it as an SSRI that was not compatible with my many anxieties, although truth be told I don’t think I’ve ever taken it for long enough to make a true assessment. I thought of it as something that made me jittery, irritated, and messed with my sleep. And maybe it did! Maybe my brain/body chemistry has changed and become more compatible with this medication. I don’t know. What I can say is that at the start of the summer I decided to give it another try, this time getting it through an online service, and I started noticing a positive difference right away.
I remember having a surprising amount of energy during those days in the rodeo booth, I was juiced up by all the happy interactions (the riders were so sweet and polite and grateful for food, my gosh, and I got called ma’am so many times but in the most flattering kind of way?) and when I came home I could not get to sleep for hours. I wasn’t drained by talking with humans, whaaaaaaat? I could handle being perceived by many people and I could look them all in the eye, whaaaaaaaaaat is happppeeeeennnning.
This is the first time I can truly feel a good difference from an SSRI, and I’ve tried a handful. I believe bupropion has boosted my energy, not in a speedy kind of way (well…actually yes sort of??) but more in the sense that things do not seem overwhelming or that I am stuck in some sort of dark sticky mud — like I can just tackle a thing without spiralling endlessly ahead of time. I believe it has helped me enjoy talking with people instead of being terrified of doing so. It does not impact my libido as other meds have. I have not kicked my procrastination habit altogether, but I feel more capable of lining up the steps needed to get things done. I still have anxious thoughts but I don’t feel crippled by them, I don’t agonize for days over every interaction or decision. It did not make me gain or lose weight, it does seem to affect my appetite in the morning but I’m plenty hongry as usual later in the day. My memory is still garbage but I do feel like my … what, executive functioning process?? has improved.
I give it huge credit, along with my wonderful mom and yes, ChatGPT, for getting me through the most unpleasant and scary data-intensive nuts and bolts of the divorce process.
As for downsides, I suspect the same sense of activation I get from it can dial me towards impulsivity, particularly when I am angry. Sometimes I get an overwhelming feeling of I have to deal with this right now!!! that does not serve me well. I am not one hundred percent certain it is bupropion’s fault that I can find myself acting directly from the amygdala/fight-or-flight part of my brain, but I do think there’s a connection. This kind of feeling is detectable by its sense of immediacy along with all the signs of cortisol in action: heart is racing, jaw is clenched, I feel physically poised to take care of business and so that text MUST be sent right now or else!!!
So that’s something I am working on. A friend and I have created our own little book club around Mel Robbins’ “Let Them Theory” which I am grateful for because we have ongoing discussions that help me keep it fresh in my mind. It’s not that I don’t think I should get angry — ho ho, there are so very many things to be angry about! — but rather that it behooves me to take a breath and get out of lizard brain mode before taking action.
All in all I do believe this med has been a huge success for me at this particular stage of my life and I’ve now been taking it long enough to say so. I wish I could recommend it, but of course we all have such different reactions to different SSRIS. I wish it wasn’t so hard to trial different things, but it is good that we have telehealth options instead of relying on our beshitted healthcare system. At least until the brain worm guy takes that away from us too.
(Incidentally, I used an online service to try out the estrogen patch last year, and ultimately determined it did not make a noticeable difference at the time except for giving me a headache and also boosting all of my facial melasma.)
I get my meds from Hers dot com, they seem fine. There’s a relatively painless process of getting an assessment to acquire the prescription, and you have ongoing messaging contact with their medical providers.
Anyway, that is my SSRI story. I’m so happy to have found something that helps and I can’t imagine being ashamed of saying so. Anxiety has been behind the wheel for me my whole life and I would not say I am a whole new person — but I do feel like I have new capabilities, and that I’m more in line with who I have always wanted to be.
-
My product review site:
[