Jul
22
Do you believe in positive thought? I don’t know if I do. And if I do, I believe that it should be reserved for people who really need it. Me, I don’t fall into that category.
But here’s what I want to say anyway: I want something unlikely to happen. I want a series of events to take place, events I have little control over. I’m working very hard, but so much of it is up to chance. Our future has never looked so uncertain, in so many ways.
I am closing my eyes and clicking my heels. From here to there. Oh please.
If you’re the wishing sort, wish me luck. For now all I can tell you is that I am shooting for the goddamned stars.
Jul
21
I’ve pretty much round-filed the idea of running the Portland marathon in October.
A few weeks ago I was struggling with that decision, trying to determine if setting aside the second-marathon goal for the time being meant I was being self-aware and doing what was best for me at this particular point in my life—or if, you know, I was just being a total pussy.
Training is physically hard, of course, but it’s also mentally draining. It takes so much: so much time, so much preparation, so much discipline, so much headspace. The reason it’s enormously life-changing to cross a marathon finish line, I believe, isn’t really the 26.2 miles you just ran—it’s the weeks and weeks of Herculean effort it took to get there in the first place.
I will absolutely run another marathon someday, but for plenty of reasons, this isn’t my summer to work on that. I’ve got so much going on right now I feel like I haven’t relaxed in weeks, and I guess I know in my gut that adding weekly long runs to the mix would be a poor choice, both for me and my family.
So here’s what I’ve been doing for fitness instead: whatever I want. After months of forcing myself to jump around to DVDs, then more months of having a trainer tell me what to do, then more months of making myself run way past the point when I wanted to stop, exercising simply because I enjoy it is an entirely new concept to me.
Each night after the boys go to bed I get into my workout gear and leave the house. Sometimes I go for easy runs, sometimes I do long hilly walks. Sometimes I walk half a mile, then sprint for five minutes, then hike up a steep set of stairs. Sometimes I ride my bike. I don’t wear my GPS watch, I don’t check my time or distance, I just go.
I’m finding the walks to be particularly therapeutic. I’ve never been able to mentally zen out while running, my head gets devoted to trying to distract my body from the overwhelming feeling of OH HEY THIS SUCKS and all I can really pay attention to is whatever music I’ve got blasting on my iPod. I think there’s value to that sometimes, like when you just want to set your think-meat to OFF, but that’s not really what I want or need right now. Walking is much quieter and calmer and my brain is free to wander around like an off-leash dog. I often leave the house totally worried about some problem, then arrive back home an hour later feeling much more capable of working it out.
I was so proud of myself for getting through the marathon training, but you know, I’m actually equally proud of myself right now. I know, that sounds goofy, but I’m just happy to have what feels like a totally normal, sustainable relationship with exercise. I work out every day because it feels good. I don’t have to talk myself into it and I don’t have to coach myself through it. It just feels good. This is what I’m doing right now and in a few months I’ll probably do something different, but I truly believe, now more than ever, that I’ll always be doing something.
I’ve been thinking how many different paths I’ve been on, fitness-wise, and how every stage was right for me at the time—from the DVDs I could do in my living room while a baby creaked back and forth in a nearby Fisher-Price swing to the expensive trainer who pushed me outside my comfort zone to the kickboxing classes I felt so badass for surviving to those endless lonely Friday afternoon runs that cracked me open and showed me I was made of steel when I wanted to be.
It’s hard not to get swayed by the testimony of others, especially when they’ve found something that works for them. You hear the excitement in someone’s words and you start thinking you need to be on that path too. Eat what they’re eating, work out at the gym they go to. But it’s pretty rare that the footsteps fit your own stride, especially as time goes on. Maybe this, above all else, is the most important thing I’ve learned in fitness and in life: it’s all about what works for you. Whatever that is.
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