Jun

27

When binges go wrong

I do stupid things all the time. I microwaved a metal cup once, generating foul rolling waves of acrid smoke and ruining our oven. I absentmindedly kissed my kid on the cheek after I’d applied “Lip Venom” lip plumper, giving him a smooch-shaped facewelt. My bathroom mirror is constantly spattered with toothpaste because I always forget to turn the Sonicare off before I remove it from my mouth.

I have to say, though—I think eating an entire bag of dried apricots this Saturday evening has to be worthy of some kind of Lifetime Achievement award.

I don’t know what I was thinking, really. They were sweet and chewy and aside from their creepy resemblance to a severed human ear they just tasted so good and I gnawed my way through the whole pack, feeling virtuous, even, for not choosing ice cream. Later, when I went to bed, my brain tried to warn me—heyyyy, don’t I remember something about dried fruit and fiber?—but I thought, nahh, that’s prunes.

Then at 2 AM, I woke up . . . with an IED in my midsection. And O, I did suffer the Wrath of the Apricots, friends. For a full 24 hours afterwards, a fierce and relentless battle raged, with heavy artillery and startling explosions. There were base ejection payloads, rocket assisted projectiles, and devastating air bursts. It was so bad I actually went back and dug the bag out of the trash, positive I’d missed a label that said “WARNING: CONTENTS MAY TURN ASSHOLE INTO EYE OF SAURON.”

Anyway, I share this unsavory tale only to warn others: the only circumstances in which you should attempt to consume a large amount of dried apricots is if you haven’t shit in a week and all other methods have failed, and even then? You might want to just consider death as a more comfortable option.

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Jun

24

ISFJ in the hizzy

A while ago I did one of those online Myers-Briggs personality tests (this one, I believe) and my result was ISFJ: Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging. The ISFJ is characterized as introverted, empathetic, hard-working, practical, timid, sensitive, insecure, intolerant, easily embarrassed, prone to jumping to conclusions, fearful of confrontations, and needy.

I was reading and nodding in recognition until I got to the part that said ISFJs are likely to have beautifully furnished homes and are extremely good interior decorators. Ha. Ha ha ha! MY CLUMPS OF ARTISTICALLY-PLACED DOG HAIR, LET ME SHOW YOU THEM.

So I don’t know about that part, but the rest sounded uncomfortably familiar. It was kind of depressing, to be honest—I mean, not like I didn’t have any self-awareness about these things, but seeing it all laid out in a tidy description was sort of . . . well, I don’t know, I suppose it would be nicer to read something chirpy like “You have an unrelenting zest for life! You love people! You would make a fantastic leader! Your thirst for adventure is eclipsed only by your positive outlook and self-confidence!”

Instead, I got: “You’re kind of a whiny, reclusive doormat. Ideal career choices include martyrdom and anonymous internet commenter.”

Have you ever done one of these tests, and if so, did it ring true? And do you think it’s ever possible to change your basic personality type? I don’t mean fundamentally alter who you are as a person, but tweak your settings to dial yourself a bit closer to the sort of personality you tend to admire? Or do you think we are who we are, and any forced behavior is simply a surface change?

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