Dec
1
You know what’s more fun than trying to capture a halfway decent family photo? ANYTHING AT ALL, and I’m including blowing Jon Gosselin. After spending an hour last night wrestling with children, tripod, and an eventual raging migraine, here are a few top choices for this year’s holiday card:
Well, aside from Riley’s gaping baboon mouth and the fact that we apparently spend every waking moment of the day beating Dylan with a Stick of Sorrow, this isn’t too . . . okay, it’s awful. NEXT.
Whose idiot idea was this? A group thumbs up? AYYYYYYY. And why does Riley look like a Children of the Corn? While Dylan is all, I DON’T KNOW WHERE MY THUMB IS DURRRRR! Next.
Oh look, we are having SO MUCH FUN! What a FUN AND ZANY FAMILY! We are on a ROLLER COASTER! A roller coaster of FUN! The children are particularly fun-filled, what with their confused, miserable tolerance and all! HA HA HA FUN! NEXT!
What? Terrible, just terrible. Let’s blame JB for this. Next.
Aaaaand we have dual crying. Please note my frozen grimace of FUN, while Riley struggles to escape my death grip (OF FUN), Dylan sobs inconsolably, and JB wonders out loud if I remembered to bring the cyanide death capsules to this little photo session. NEXT.
You know what? SCREW IT. Ladies and gentlemen, Picker Von Nostril and Horsey McHORSE? HORSE? HORSE? Happy damn holidays.
Nov
30
THING THE FIRST:
Some of you may remember early last spring when I was freaking out over signing up to climb the Columbia Tower in Seattle as part of a fitness event. I plan to do that same climb in March, but in the meantime I somehow managed to volunteer to join a team from my gym this Thursday for another stair climb. It’s 56 floors, and this time instead of walking it with the main goal of surviving, I’ll be racing it for time. I guess the idea is that competing teams will have their group’s total time added up and the fastest teams wins and gets a bronzed barf bucket or something.
I informed the team captain that while I’m willing to join the group, there is no way in hell I will actually contribute in any meaningful way to a winning time, unless of course all the other teams are made up of elderly stump-legged basset hounds or something. (Hope hope!) I just want to challenge myself and do something intimidating, and goddamn if trying to run up a motherfucking skyscraper doesn’t meet those requirements.
Anyway, I don’t usually mention fundraising stuff, but I thought I would for this one, even though it’s a hard time of year for most of us moneywise. Proceeds go to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, and if you’d like to sponsor me I’d be humbled and grateful. You can do this by clicking on Sponsor Participant on the left sidebar on this page, then typing in “Linda” for the first name and “S.” for the last name.
I already paid the minimum $80 donation, so I don’t need anything further to participate, but I wanted to do my part and let you know.
Anyway, wish me luck! I was briefly relieved to hear JB will be out of town on Thursday because I thought that was my excuse for bagging the event, but unfortunately our babysitter is available. Stupid dependable wonderful family resource.
THING THE SECOND:
JB plans to give Riley a skateboard for Christmas. I kind of think this is nuts because this is the same child who came home with two—TWO!—Injury Incident Reports the other day, for 1) slipping in water and crashing headfirst into the bathroom door, and then later 2) walking into the doorjamb of an entirely different door. I’m just saying, hand-eye coordination has not historically been his forte:
Aside from padding and helmets and giant protective plastic hamster balls, is there anything I can add to the skateboard mix to make it less deadly? Do they make a preschool version with extra wheels or airbags or some shit? I’d like to keep his smarmy little face in one piece, is all.
Speaking of potentially insane, ill-advised holiday presents, I’m thinking of getting this thing for Dylan. Because I’m just not hearing enough “Horse? Horse? Horse? Horse. Horse. HORSE! HORSE!” already, you know?
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