I was looking through the collection of short, crappy video files I’ve taken since Riley’s birth and I found one named “Hungry”. It’s from when Riley was only a few weeks old, and it shows several seconds of him lying on the changing table looking vaguely alert (if a little, well, larvalike) and smacking his lips. I’m glad I took the moment back then to point the camera at him, because I had completely forgotten that expression he used to get, the one that preceded any crying, that clearly communicated the message MILK GO IN MOUTH-HOLE NOW.

Jeez, he was tiny. I can’t believe he was really that tiny. Was he seriously that tiny? Man, was he ever tiny.

Things are certainly different these days. For instance, his limbs no longer wave uselessly around like floating, wave-tossed seaweed; rather, they have the strength of a thousand stout men, at least judging by the fistfuls of hair he enjoys pulling merrily from my scalp on a daily basis. Plus he can now produce a poop that’s bigger than his entire body used to be.

And when he’s hungry, you are by-god going to know it. The adorable “Please sir, may I have another” lip smacking has long been replaced by a dramatic, tragedy-mask howl conveying his deepest regrets for having been born into such a cruel world. It seems to hit him all at once – holy shit, I haven’t eaten in like an HOUR! – and the boy undergoes a complete metamorphosis from giggly, happy baby to Lord Suckulor, He-Who-Devours-Souls (Also, Applesauce).

It was during one of these bleak moods that I was rushing around in the kitchen getting a jar of Gerber’s ready and flailing for a spoon and I said to him “Did you want some bananas?” and I watched him whip his head around just exactly like Dog when I ask her if she wants a biscuit, well, does she, does she want a biscuit, she DOES, etc. He looked me right in the eye and before he started wailing like his diapers were full of snapping turtles I saw recognition.

He knows the word “bananas”, which isn’t too surprising considering I refer to almost all of his food as bananas, then I sometimes feed him carrots with brown rice, because it’s never too early to learn about life’s crushing disappointments, you know? He absolutely knows to associate bananas with mealtimes, just like he knows the word “milk”. He also knows the word “Riley”, of course, and I think he knows “doggie”.

Say, I wonder what else he knows?

Remember when I mentioned the penny jar that JB and I talked about, where we’d fine ourselves for saying curse words in front of Riley? Well, we pretty much totally forgot all about that and went right back to saying assmunch and dicktowel and fuckton and so on, but now it seems like we should really truly consider getting a handle on the Very Bad Language. Because I don’t want my son’s first word to be “cocksucker”, no matter how endearingly hilarious his pronunciation is.

Or, um, “get the fuck off me, dog“.

So now we have an actual cuss-fine receptacle; an oversized mug into which we must toss a coin whenever we say a bad word in front of the boy.

“Does ‘shit’ count,” I asked this morning while I was dealing with a particularly odious diaper. “Because damn, this shit stinks.” “Ha!” said JB. “You already fucked up, and it’s only 7 AM!”

We’re…gonna need a bigger mug.


23 Responses to “Curses, foiled”

  1. Pete on May 23rd, 2006 6:25 pm

    First post! I am still surprised by the size of the turds that have come out of my kids ass. Not only how long they are but how thick they are. That, and they are hard enough to use as tent stakes.

  2. Pete on May 23rd, 2006 6:28 pm

    FYI, I tried using KY (took a bunch of those little packages from the doctors office for camping) on some of my mud tools and it found it does keep the mud from sticking to the handle area which would make it easier to clean later.

  3. JennB on May 23rd, 2006 6:35 pm

    Ha! Ha!
    We’ve started just abbreviating things like fuck=”eff”, etc. And the girl is starting to talk, so we’ll see if we’ve caught our potty mouth in time.
    What is very, very weird is that you, Sundry, and I have the same laugh (on the video). That is freaky.

  4. warcrygirl on May 23rd, 2006 6:40 pm

    I wouldn’t worry too much, I cuss like a fucking sailor and so far the only times my two cuss is when they’re asking me “why did you say ‘dammit’, Mommy?” Of course, ‘hate’ and ‘stupid’ are bad words in my house so it’s like they have their own cuss words.

  5. thejunebug on May 23rd, 2006 8:09 pm

    Is it bad I totally didn’t realize JB swore, too? I didn’t see that until I was reading it to my husband.

    Damn you, Linda, for making me laugh when I have a chest cold. OW!

  6. Sarah on May 23rd, 2006 8:38 pm

    My oldest is living proof that a penny jar does dick to curb blue tongued ways. She was swearing like a sailor by the age of two. Here’s proof, http://homepage.mac.com/thegirl/movies/iMovieTheater39.html (No need to watch the whole thing. She lets loose with the f-bomb in the very beginning.) Maybe if you had to throw a dollar in a jar everytime you swore it’d work but pennies are for pussies.

  7. MommyMaki on May 23rd, 2006 9:58 pm

    My husband would always ask my daughter if “that’s some good shit” after anything she eats. I told him he better stop that but he said, “wouldn’t it be so cute and hilarious if she went around saying that”. My response was “I’m sure trailer trash think it’s hilarious when their kids go around swearing too”. He has now stopped that.

  8. Shannon on May 23rd, 2006 9:59 pm

    It will happen and it will make for a great story later. My family is proof of this in the cackling that follows my mom relating my sister’s very first spoken words: “Oh goddammit!” Of course, this is the same sister that used to eat cigarette butts she found on the ground. . .

  9. Dawn on May 23rd, 2006 10:39 pm

    On the plus side, you’ll have Riley’s college fund taken care of by the time he’s in pre-school.

  10. Niki P on May 24th, 2006 6:07 am

    Curse jar lasted for about 3 weeks in our house. We kept running out of coins to throw in it. My mom called my 8 yr old a dick the other day. Honestly, he was acting like a total dickhead and I think she thought she said in her “inside” voice but it came right out plain as day and he giggled and ran off. Mom was MORTIFIED! I think Bay can use this to his advantage… “Hey Nana, remember that time you called me a dick?? Well, buy me a new bike!!”

  11. Nona on May 24th, 2006 6:19 am

    While there wasn’t an office pool where I work for the gender of my impending baby, there is still money waiting to be won. The bet? Whether my daughter’s first words will be “damn-it!” or “mother fucker.” There’s about $50.00 in that pool right now…

    Also, I have a PATCH of new hair growing in on my right temple from the child’s apparent obsessive compulsive need to yank out handfuls of the stuff. It’s always a good feeling to see a friend and have their first words be “Dude, what the fuck happened to your HAIR?”

  12. Ang on May 24th, 2006 6:39 am

    Oh man. A cuss mug. I am so getting one of those. We need it badly, considering my 3-year-old’s favorite word is asshole. Shithead comes in at a close second. *sigh*

  13. Emily on May 24th, 2006 8:46 am

    You know what I love? Cursing in front of other people’s kids, because I don’t have my own. Then I wait around to hear the little darlings triumphantly bust out with “shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker and TITS!”

  14. ang on May 24th, 2006 9:03 am

    Picture this: large glass of water on the coffee table, me chillin on the couch reading a book. My rug rat learned to walk early (and I mean EEarly-like 9 months) so we had to put stuff away quick. She toddles over to the table, grabs the water, and dumps in on the carpet while grinning at me, “look what I can do Mommy!” A quick clean up, new glass of water, and I’m back on the couch. Stupid me puts the water back on the table, so Chloe dumps it AGAIN! As I’m leaving for a dry towel, I mutter ‘fuck’ under my breath. My adorable blue eyed baby girl toddled out of the living room chanting “fuck! fuck! fuck!” in her high pitched, little baby girl voice. I’d pay millions to have a video of my horrified expression.

  15. MRW on May 24th, 2006 10:13 am

    My favorite is the time I was shopping with my friend and her 2 YO (before I had a kid) and he announced he wanted candy. She said no. His reply? “No candy? That’s FUCKED UP!” It was probably wrong of me to laugh, but I just could not help myself.

  16. crystal on May 24th, 2006 12:47 pm

    my 2 1/2 year old’s favorite word is “fuck”, or “fucking bitch” if really aggravated, followed by “shit”. now that’s good parenting! the teacher in his preschool/kindergarten class are going to LOVE us.

  17. Liss on May 24th, 2006 1:36 pm

    My sister happened to yell at an offending motorist, “fucking boob!” And my wee nephew inquired from the back seat in his tinny voice said, “what did you say mommy?” Thinking quickly she responded, “I said ‘Bucking Boot’.” My nephew now yells out the car window “Bucking Boot!” to passing cars. Cracks me up everytime.

  18. Jessie on May 24th, 2006 3:09 pm

    I used to get in trouble all the time when my uber-religious aunt was babysitting because I’d use phrases (at about 2 to 3 years old) such as “Now, where is that damn record”. I still think that’s hillarious.

  19. veralynn on May 25th, 2006 7:12 am

    Tears in my eyes from all the laughter at these comments (and the wondrous JB/puppet/dog/boy video). Heeeee!! Yeah, Riley’s ivy league education will definitely be funded pronto if the cuss jar sticks around. Linda, you thought socklessness at daycare was bad…just wait til he drops the f-bomb there. :)

  20. Stephanie on May 25th, 2006 8:03 am

    I made the misatke of saying the word “ass” in front of a friends 1 year old….kind of. He was actually in an adjoining room, but I am sure he could hear me. I felt embarrased, and a little bad, and then, bam! Out of no where, her over protective anal dick of a husband was on me about watching my mouth, they have a “little one”. I really did feel bad about it, but if he hadn’t been such a dick, I would have actually been much more sympathetic. Instead, I had to fight of the urge to tell him to GET OFF MY BACK YOU BIYATCH!

    Wow- that happened back in December. You’d think I could have let it go by now, but I really don’t like the son of a bitch. All this swearing has made me feel much better. Thanks.

  21. SalGal on May 25th, 2006 9:25 am

    Yeeeaaaaaaaaaaah. Swearing is a very tough habit to break but it is SO not cool to have your cute as a button (if I do say so myself) little girl tottering around the hardware store in her pretty little dress and cutsie little sandals saying “GodDAMNit! GodDAMNit!” to everyone within earshot. (At least she had the right inflection . . .)

    That little gem in my husband’s personal favorite and it is ALREADY coming back to bite him in the ASS.

  22. em on May 26th, 2006 5:29 pm

    Rumor has it that my first word–or one of the first–was “shit”

  23. Stacy on May 26th, 2006 8:58 pm

    I was telling my husband about your personal lubricant issue and he said that if you had a plumber there it could have been something that he legitimately uses for work. I hesitate to say the plumber could be using it to loosen pipes…because that just sounds wrong but that is what my husband suggested. So maybe if you are lucky you don’t have perverted workers hanging around your home.

    Love, love, love to read what you write. You have such a way with words and really crack me up. Keep it up.

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