Jun
20
I wish I could mix a bit of the endlessness of January into this month because time is flying right by. This summer is going to be in the rearview before I know it and then it will be fall and my youngest will be off to college and then it will be the holidays again hellllllp.
Well do not fear that I am not making the most of Oregon’s precious summer months for today I have a mammogram appointment! They have sent me approximately four thousand notifications about it and each time I have been semi-convinced that they have the date wrong because who has a mammogram on a Saturday? But upon checking it appears that the imaging center is open all weekend so that’s good news for everyone but the staff and the dignity of my boobs.
I do feel bad for those from the small titty committee because I’m sure the process is even more awkward when you don’t have much to work with but thankfully (?) I have bountiful non-taut funbags (fun not guaranteed) and probably they could yank all my business over and get the scans they need while I stood in the doorway and scrolled my phone. As I recall the only uncomfortable part is when the machine squishes you in a vise clamp and there’s a brief moment that’s similar to when you wonder if the blood pressure cuff is going to tighten forever until it amputates your arm, although of course there’s also the part where they’re like YOU DIDN’T WEAR DEODORANT DID YOU??? and also the part where your sad little pile of clothes sits there with the bra carefully hidden between layers as though someone was going to yank it out and parade it through the waiting room.
Age gracefully, people say, but there are so many non graceful aspects of it! How about all these skin tags, for one thing. Or the deal where I have to hold objects at arm’s length while scrunching my face like Gilbert Godfried or I can’t see jack shit. What about that time I had to poop in a box and mail it off to be evaluated??? I feel like every yearly checkup is now just a list of things I need to have tested to make sure my warranties aren’t running out yet, along with a reminder to get my shingles vaccine already.
And I know it’s convenient to blame the patriarchy for everything but don’t you have the feeling that if men needed mammograms there would be like booths in drugstores where you step inside fully clothed and boop, it’s done, and you get a lollipop afterwards.
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