I decided to reward myself for continuing to stick with this whole exercise-and-diet thing — even while on vacation! People, I got a pass to the local gym and I took two Turbo Kick classes last week, for which I felt I deserved some sort of high honor, perhaps a knighthood or honorary Harvard degree or at the very least a large portion of magical calorie-free creme brulée, shot directly into my open maw with a robust Burnt Cream Expulsion Device (OH YEAH FILL MY MOUTH WITH CREAM) (What?) — and so I visited our local fancypants retail mothership on Sunday in order to try on approximately eleventy billion pairs of “premium denim” jeans.

(My beloved pair of Joe’s, the ones I’ve used as a weight loss goal all along, have actually gotten a little too loose, which is craaaaaaazy and also, wait, oh yeah, fucking crazy, and listen, I am sure you are tired of hearing me yap about fitness stuff but DUDE MY SKINNY JEANS GOT TOO BIG, and holy shit, WOOT. Thank you Turbo Jam and fat free Cool Whip and Hip Hop Abs and Inhale yoga and GoLean breakfast cereal and sugar-free Red Bull and 24 Hour Fitness and Fuji apples and my beat-up old Nikes and my silly new Pumas and shelled edamame and Lululemon pants and South Beach peanut butter bars and the blessed ability to stave off the utter exhaustion brought on by two small children by RUNNING AWAY FROM IT ALL [literally]).

I tried on all sorts of crazy styles and eventually found a glorious pair of 7 For All Mankinds (the A-pocket Flip Flops, if you’re curious, which is a ‘petite’ style, meaning the legs are thankfully not designed for human giraffes), which the salesperson convinced me to buy in a size TWO sizes smaller than my Joe’s, a size I would describe as really quite snug if not downright sausagey. True to her word, after several hours of wear the 7s somehow relaxed a bit and expanded to allow my belly to do something other than explode over the waistband in giant terrifying rolls of unfurling fleshy muffin-topedness, but for a while there I was fairly convinced she had played a mean, mean joke on me.

“Oh, I know,” she kept saying while I turned this way and that in front of the mirror making hurt-puppy whimpering sounds. “They feel like ‘OH MY GOD’, right?” And I was like, “YES! YES THEY DO. DEAR LORD YOU CAN SEE MY SPLEEN,” and she talked me through it like a labor coach until I was doing Lamaze breathing and saying little affirmation prayers and handing over my debit card in order to buy a pair of insanely expensive too-small jeans on purpose.

Anyway: fierce new jeans, you guys. Fierce. Although I have learned that it’s a very bad idea to drink carbonated beverages while wearing them, unless I want to experience something like a Diet Coke-and-Mentos effect inside my midsection (a disturbing sensation that brought this video to mind all too clearly).

Lastly, I give you the 5 Stages of Rolling Over, as performed by Dylan:

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Stage One: Flirty Preparation

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Stage Two: Grunty Full-Body Effort

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Stage Three: Shocked Holy-Fuck-Will-You-Check-This-Shit-OUT-ism

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Stage Four: Groovy Self Accolades

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Stage Five: ABORT MISSION! ABORT MISSION! SYSTEM FAILURE RESET RESET! FAIL.

** Edited to add photos of the JEANS, since some of you asked, and I am nothing if not . . . well, apparently someone who’s a little too trigger-happy with the camera, jesus.

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Warning: do not consume fizzy drinks while wearing.

Comments

83 Responses to “It ain’t nothin next to baby’s treat”

  1. Lesley on July 8th, 2008 9:42 am

    Why can’t we have these stores in Canada??????

    I would personally be Baby D’s rollover catch and adjust person…he cries and I cry! The Cute…it gets me every time.

  2. Ashley on July 8th, 2008 9:43 am

    oh my god that child is f*ing cute i can’t even handle it. and the red hair!

    those jeans look fantastic :)

  3. Denise on July 8th, 2008 9:43 am

    Wow. You look f*in amazing in those jeans.

  4. Holly on July 8th, 2008 9:58 am

    jeans = awesome! dylan = freakishly cute!

  5. Maureen on July 8th, 2008 10:52 am

    I join everyone else in saying you look amazing. I love reading your fitness posts, shoot I love everything you write, but you are inspiring me to get off my baby weight.

    Why yes, my baby is 14-but I always felt it best not to rush into anything.

    Seriously though, you in those jeans, WOW!

  6. Danger on July 8th, 2008 11:09 am

    Oh my goodness, you’re motivating me to work out more. I hope you only use your power for the forces of good.

  7. kristin c. on July 8th, 2008 11:12 am

    right now….i am feeling jelousy.
    that is all I can muster up right now.
    sorry.

  8. ikate on July 8th, 2008 11:38 am

    Oh my holy hell, Linda – you look AMAZING!!! I thought those bikini pics were a huge tribute to Turbo Jam and the like, but hot damn, those are some fine jeans!

    Cute kid, too!

  9. samantha jo campen on July 8th, 2008 11:53 am

    Holy Shit.

    You’re seriously almost waif-like. Except with muscle tone. And hott jeans. COVET!

    Dylan rolling over is the cutest damn thing I have seen in a long time that doesn’t involve my own child. Man oh man you’ve got a flirty ball of cuteness on your hands.

  10. Alison of a Gun on July 8th, 2008 12:28 pm

    Ughghg you make me sooo aaangry! Seriously! You’re all cute and so is your husband and your children are ridiculously adorable, and you lost that weight in what seemed like to me, SUCH a short time! I would be inspired if I weren’t so freakin’ lazy. How do you do it?!

  11. Heather on July 8th, 2008 12:33 pm

    Wow! Those jeans look amazing on you. It’s the side view that’s always the true test, and I see nothing but a flat tummy! Congrats! Could I use anymore exclamation points?

  12. Alley on July 8th, 2008 1:11 pm

    You look awesome and I love that ‘HOLY SHIT’ picture of Dylan. I just tried those jeans on and, yeah, I’m not *quite* ready for Sevens just yet. I could get the Citizens of Humanity jeans buttoned, but trying to walk was an adventure.

  13. Jennifer on July 8th, 2008 1:26 pm

    Wow, the thing that’s going to bust you out of new skinny jeans is going to be your newfound Dara-Torres-esque buff thighs!

    Seriously, with all your working out, you could get into some fun local events; new goals to set now that you’ve conquered the “Forever in Blue Jeans” world!

    Here’s one coming right up, women only. What do you think???

    http://www.danskin.com/seattlemain.html

  14. Sarah on July 8th, 2008 1:42 pm

    Well, thanks a lot. I just died from the Dylan cuteness. He looks like he’s got a great little personality going there. :)

    And yes, those jeans are completely and totally fierce. My god, girl, you worked hard for those jeans! Flaunt it!

  15. Lesley on July 8th, 2008 1:50 pm

    Thought this might give you a chuckle
    Babies’ smiles light up mothers’ brains

  16. Robbi on July 8th, 2008 2:03 pm

    I just wanted to comment to say that Dylan is one of THE cutest babies ever. I just adore his red hair!

  17. Cami on July 8th, 2008 2:06 pm

    Dylan is adorable!!!

    Girlfriend you Rock!!!! You look Amazing in the jeans. Talk about inspiration!

  18. Lisa on July 8th, 2008 2:25 pm

    Hi, its me in Japan. I just wanted to tell you how impressed I am with all your workout efforts. I was thinking after your vacation pics that you look really strong and healthy–like someone out of the athleta catalog! (As opposed to just “skinny” and I think ‘strong and healthy’ is better than just being ‘skinny’). Im due with “sister” in October so I have given up running but Im anxious to get back to it after she arrives (and back to the USA in Dec!!) You give me hope that I can bounce back!!

  19. Lindy on July 8th, 2008 2:25 pm

    OK this is the part where I really want to hate you but I KNOW you’ve been busting your ass so you sooo deserve to look like one smokin’ mamma! Still…

    And that kid boy is he a cutie! I NEED some feet photos. Not in a pervy kinda way but in a does he still have freaky long feet??

  20. Kristin on July 8th, 2008 3:54 pm

    Yeah! I’m glad you had the pictures fo the new jeans–I was hoping! They look great!

  21. Melissa on July 8th, 2008 5:15 pm

    Damn girl – keep up the talk about jean sizes and bikinis…you are my inspiration! My little guy just turned 2 months and I’m trying to stay motivated. You look fab.

  22. Danielle-lee on July 8th, 2008 7:49 pm

    You look wonderful!Those jeans are greatness!After I finish bootcamp, I am sooo going to buy myself a pair!

  23. willikat on July 8th, 2008 8:38 pm

    whoa hot mama!

  24. one feisty mama on July 9th, 2008 5:21 am

    i’m totally waiting for the post about JB’s reaction to his all-new hot mama…

  25. Caitlin on July 9th, 2008 5:58 am

    Linda, you look amazing. I currently have my own pair of Goal Jeans that I’m working on fitting into, and you have been a huge inspiration!

    Between here & Balanced Living, you’ve mentioned quite a bit about your workout routine and a bit about your diet, but I am always interested in hearing more about what has worked for other people. Part of it is looking for tips, part is curiosity as to What Else Actually Works. For instance, when do you find the time to work out? Do you prefer to get it out of the way first thing in the morning, or at night as a post-work stress reliever? What keeps you motivated when you just don’t feel like doing it? How restrictive are you with your diet? Do you allow yourself, say, one treat a week in order to keep your sanity? What are your go-to foods? (Maybe this isn’t the case for you, but I find that I usually stick to generally the same foods because I like them, and it’s easy to know that I’m staying on track.)

    If you’ve got a little time, I’d love to pick your brain!

    Congratulations again – you look awesome and you have absolutely earned it!

  26. Maura on July 9th, 2008 1:56 pm

    Cute baby overload! Whoa! That holy-shit-shocked face was too much!

    You are one hot mama in those jeans! Kudos on your exercise. I’ll have to break out my Turbo Jam DVDs again.

  27. Melis on July 9th, 2008 5:57 pm

    You know I’ve drooled over your wee ones, but I drooled even harder when I saw that the jeans…the ones you just bought? Yeah, those…they are on SALE here: http://www.vonmaur.com/default.aspx?Function=Product&ProductID=5090&cat=130,124,259 and they even have FREE SHIPPING.

  28. dina on July 10th, 2008 12:54 pm

    woo-hoo rock it….nice jeans….i bet hubby liked them.

  29. dvlshkitten on July 11th, 2008 5:38 am

    Wow, you’re so thin! The jeans look great!!!

  30. Jem on July 17th, 2008 3:59 am

    omg Sundry I love you! You’re my hero. I need to print out this entry and stick it on, my head or something, to remind me WHY I should work hard at this exercise/diet thing.

  31. Robin on July 24th, 2008 3:16 pm

    I just came over from Flotsam… Read a couple of posts and then completely cracked up over the roll-over sequence. My little guy does the same thing:

    “Abort mission system failure reset reset!”

    With the hand in the mouth, to boot. Ach, tears in my eyes from laughing.

  32. Nathan Waisner on October 18th, 2010 3:27 am

    Nice information. I appreciate your effort, I absolutely enjoy reading your post.

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