94 Responses to “Reactions: perfectly normal”

1. susie on July 29th, 2009 2:20 pm

   …swimcap fetish..? what the..? um.

   .
   .
   .
   nonplussed.

2. Crystal D on July 29th, 2009 2:24 pm

   Oh Lordy, I am peeing my pants over the swim lesson post. You have to do this Triathlon because I can only imagine the post where you get into the open water.

3. Leslie on July 29th, 2009 2:24 pm

   I can so relate to the overreacting to new situations. I call it “being prepared” while my husband calls it “being obsessive” :)

   Congrats on committing to a triathlon. I’ve done one sprint and it was totally Murphy’s Law but my hubby loved it so much (we did it together) that he has gone on to the 1/2 Iron level.
   If I can share one tip on the swim it would be this… if you can wear a wetsuit during the actual race, then train in open water in the wetsuit too. It will really help you get comfortable with the buoyancy the suit gives you.

   Plus it means less places on your body the “lake slime” can touch.

   Best of luck on the training – you can totally do it :)

4. Kristen on July 29th, 2009 2:26 pm

   WTF? Swim cap fetish? Seriously, WHAT?

5. Brenna on July 29th, 2009 2:30 pm

   You’re such an inspiration. Even when you’re scared of stuff, you go ahead and do it anyway. I recently started lap swimming, and OH THE TERROR I had the first time I went. I thought everyone would be 23, skinny, and tanned, and that they would all be snickering behind my back. But of course they weren’t, and didn’t, and everyone was friendly and I wasn’t the fattest or oldest person there, by far.

   And for the breathing thing, what works for me is: Exhale a steady stream of bubbles through your nose while you’re swimming, but only (only only ONLY) breath IN through your mouth.

6. Michelle on July 29th, 2009 2:33 pm

   So did you go with the Lucite heels?

7. Haitian American Family of Three on July 29th, 2009 2:33 pm

   Dude. It is SO HOT HERE. Lake WA sounds great right now.

8. Nicole on July 29th, 2009 2:37 pm

   :puts on instructor-trainer swim cap:

   So the breathing thing. You know when you put a cup upside down in a sink of water and there’s that air bubble in the top? And then you turn the cup sideways and it burps and fills with water? That’s what your mouth/nose does when you roll onto your side to breathe (assuming you’re doing front crawl).

   Underwater, keep your mouth shut and blow bubbles through your nose – try humming with your mouth shut (it works) – even when you’re rolling to breathe. When your mouth clears the water open and take a breath.

   Oh and try not to lift your head to breathe – roll onto your side instead. When you lift your head, your feet sink.

9. Rebecca (Bearca) on July 29th, 2009 2:39 pm

   I am a former, mostly-retired competitive swimmer and it is SO GREAT that you are doing this! A lot of adults are freaked out about swimming in general, and open water swimming in particular. Swimming is fantastic for your body and your endurance and is very easy on your joints. So YAY for you!

   Also, I second Brenna’s suggestion on breathing. It’s very helpful to exhale while your face is submerged, so when you turn to breathe all you have to do is inhale.

   Good luck, Linda. You’ll do great.

10. Robin on July 29th, 2009 2:43 pm

    Gaylord! Too funny. I haven’t heard that in forever.

11. Amy M. on July 29th, 2009 2:45 pm

    Swimcap fetish?!?!?! People are so weird.

    I second the wetsuit suggestion. I’ve never been open-water swimming (on purpose), but I’ve been white-water rafting (hence the ‘on purpose’) & the wetsuit helps a lot in the cold water. Especially rafting in the spring – brrr!

12. Lauren on July 29th, 2009 2:45 pm

    I still get freaked out about swimming in lakes, submerged stuff and millfoil waving at you….but really, you’ll be fine. Just try to stay calm and not hyperventilate. A wetsuit helps a lot, keeps you buoyant and warm. You can rent one here: http://www.everydayathlete.us, they’re very cool.

13. BellyGirl on July 29th, 2009 2:46 pm

    You = fabulous for doing swim lessons.

    If I were you, I’d wait to do the open water swim clinic until you get your pool chops a bit. It’s a lot less intimidating to try to be all coordinated and breathe and kick and shit when you can put your feet down on the bottom of the tiled pool floor. Not so awesome when you are in the middle of a lake.

14. Mary on July 29th, 2009 2:47 pm

    Your forgot to mention those creep-tastic underwater zombies in the new Harry Potter movie that snatch up and drag away human beings with such a startling swiftness that I nearly jumped out of my skin right there in cinema 12. I’d be afraid of those guys too. (Wait, not helping. Nevermind.)

15. Leigh on July 29th, 2009 2:50 pm

    Wetsuit for sure!!

16. vague on July 29th, 2009 2:51 pm

    You are hilarious. I completely understand, though. I wish I could tell you how much fretting went into me psyching myself up for a frakking YOGA CLASS but I don’t want to completely embarrass myself. Well. One little tidbit: my irrational fear? Farting audibly in class. Sigh.

17. Accidental Olympian on July 29th, 2009 2:54 pm

    Yeah… hate to break it to you, but last summer I actually lost a friend to a masturbating shark riding a nuclear sub in Lake WA. I still can’t go anywhere near that damn lake…

18. Jennifer D on July 29th, 2009 2:55 pm

    Submarines freak me the fuck out!

19. Jen on July 29th, 2009 2:58 pm

    Yay for you! I’m a huge fan of finding experts to help you with stuff, so I’m pleased that my world view has been validated by your good experience with the class. :) I might second the suggestion above that you hold off a bit on the open water clinic until you feel just a bit more confident with lap swimming, but it depends on what sort of safety net (as it were) is in place there at the lake. And definitely get a wet suit!

20. Courtney on July 29th, 2009 3:01 pm

    I was on the swim team as a kid and through high school, and my parents owned a boat and now a place at the lake. Staring at a clean pool bottom for so long has lead me to damn near hyperventilate when swimming with goggles in a lake or ocean. ME! The distance swimmer!!! There is just… stuff down there… often covered in slimy green…stuff. Yucky!

    I will add I’ve never noticed a submarine though!

21. sundry on July 29th, 2009 3:02 pm

    It’s supposed to be a BEGINNER clinic, is the only reason I’d even be considering doing it now rather than later. The instructor was very encouraging even knowing my lack of swimming skills, although I didn’t mention the shark-sub fear.

    But okay, a wetsuit, really? Then you leave that on and ride/run in it and stuff? What? Chafing?

22. Kirida on July 29th, 2009 3:05 pm

    After watching that dolphin bj video, I would believe anything.

23. Allison on July 29th, 2009 3:14 pm

    Dude, I would totally recommend doing the clinic, just so you get a feel for swimming in open water. Just like running on a treadmill is different from running outside, swimming in a pool is different from swimming in open water! When I did a supersprint triathlon and jumped into Sydney Harbour, MY GOD, the current! Might be a little different in a lake though.

    OH and Linda, here’s a tip: When you do the swim portion of the tri, make sure you’re at the front/in front of everyone else when you’re about to kick off. I stayed towards the back the first time, and the waves coming back from everyone kicking in front of me were pushing me back and making me work even harder.

    Loved this post, made me laugh :)

24. Renee on July 29th, 2009 3:42 pm

    haha, masturbating sharks.

25. Annabelle on July 29th, 2009 3:59 pm

    God, people in the airportare lookingat me very strangely as I gasp with laughter, tears streaming down my face. You crack my shit up. I’m bummed I had fangirl-nervousness at Blogher and was only able to approach you because I had Ezra and I figured I would be less scary and you wouldn’t run away from Sir Cuteness.

    Anyway, you rule. Sorry about the fly-by hugging.

26. Trish on July 29th, 2009 4:00 pm

    You can actually rent wetsuits online for open water swims, full length and bib styles. They help you be more buoyant, which is nice! I would wear a bikini bottom and sports bra underneath and as you run out of the water you start to peel off the wetsuit. It helps get it off more easily if you put petroleum jelly or that stuff runners use on their thighs (name escapes) around your wrists and ankles. Have your biking/running stuff all laid out and get it on as fast as you can before taking off on your bike! Just leave the bikini bottom on like underwear underneath.

27. danielle on July 29th, 2009 4:10 pm

    If the swimcap fetish creeps you out, don’t ever do a search for “socks” on ebay. wow.

28. ginger on July 29th, 2009 4:25 pm

    Mmm. Rental clothing that people might have worn without underwear. MMMM. I am pretty sure you can find something to worry about there. Also I can say with confidence that Lucite heels don’t go with a wetsuit, or if they do it’s in another one of those videos on Youtube.

    I am distracted by trying to imagine what a nuclear submarine would be doing in Lake Washington, with its maximum depth of 70-odd metres. Scraping along the bottom, I guess. Looking at wrecks, maybe? There are wrecks (see: http://tinyurl.com/nkhfbv). They’re on the bottom, where you really shouldn’t be unless something has gone terribly wrong with the swimming.

29. Sunny on July 29th, 2009 4:25 pm

    Masturbating shark driving a hydroplane…isn’t it Seafair this weekend?

30. warcrygirl on July 29th, 2009 4:47 pm

    Captain Destructo is on the local swim team again this summer and we put his cap on this way: He olds one side of it against his forehead exactly where he wants the edge to go and I quickly pull the rest of the cap over his head in one fluid motion. I’ve seen the wet method and the dry method but this one works for us.

31. Brenna on July 29th, 2009 5:31 pm

    I had the same revelation when I checked out the profiles and “Favorites” of people who kept subscribing to my videos after I’d posted a few, fully-clothed, baby movement belly clips. There are actually folk who get off on hairy, overweight men grunting while rubbing their fopas.

32. Jenn on July 29th, 2009 5:39 pm

    “That stuff runners use” that Trish is looking for is Body Glide and it totally ROCKS.

33. Swistle on July 29th, 2009 5:52 pm

    OMG, WATER POURING OFF THE SIDES AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

34. Gina on July 29th, 2009 6:01 pm

    Back in my swim team days, we used to put an entire person in a swim cap. A small entire person, but quite a bit larger than your head. I think you’ll be fine with the swim cap.

35. Sarah Miller on July 29th, 2009 6:02 pm

    The good news/bad news: this post proves you are neurotic enough to write a book. Welcome to the club.

    (From someone who was wracked with terror-induced dry heaves at 7:00 this morning at the thought of her first day working behind a deli counter. Seriously. Writers are not normal.)

36. Kate Thornton on July 29th, 2009 6:15 pm

    I am still laughing loudly enough for the nice lady next door to conclude I am having a siezure. Good for you for doing this even though scared spitless. And brava for posting about it. And yes, you’re a fab writer – forget the novel and write short!

37. victoria on July 29th, 2009 6:21 pm

    I think about this movie I saw when I was uh, like, 13? It was called, I think, “Something Wicked This Way Comes.”

    One character, well past middle age, who has never learned how to swim, has a conversation with Satan (or one of his minions) who tempts him with the possibility of going back to be his younger self. “Age 35. Not too late to learn how to swim.” And so on.

    And I had this vivid sense from that scene, the sense that stayed with me for 30 years, that life tends to get narrower and smaller as we get older. We have to try to keep learning new things and not let the chance to learn pass us by.

    So, I am going to take a rowing class at Lake Washington Rowing Club, after not having rowed for 13 years. Being out of the sport for 13 years is like never having done it at all, really.

    Will everyone else in the class be half my age? Super athletic? Prone to mocking me? I feel really self-conscious. But I know I’m only going to get older, and life will only get smaller.

38. .303 Bookworm on July 29th, 2009 6:51 pm

    Kudos for going to the swim lesson and I recommend the open water session as well, especially if it’s for beginners.

    For Tri’s over here in NZ open water = the sea, choppy waves, salt, sand and ‘denizens of the deep’. I don’t know if your lake gets much in the way of wave action but the swim style is WAY different to a pool.

    To breath, you actually lift your head up out of the water so you can see over the waves and check you’re swimming in the right direction!

    Oh and please, don’t put off the book, It’s already on my ‘must buy’ list!

39. Jen on July 29th, 2009 6:52 pm

    A swim cap fetish. WHAT. I’m so confused.

    Go you for doing a triathlon! I can’t even do a uni-athon.

40. vague on July 29th, 2009 7:06 pm

    OMG, .303 Bookworm, “denizens of the deep”? EEEEP!

41. Suzanne on July 29th, 2009 7:20 pm

    I don’t think I’ll ever look at my bathing cap the same way!

    I just completed my first sprint tri this past Sunday. It was freaking awesome…one of the best feelings ever crossing the finish line. Can’t say i felt that way through all the hills on the bike ride, but nonetheless a fantastic moment in my life.

    Didn’t need to wear a wet suit because water temp in lake was around 73 degrees, although many people did. If you are going to wear a wet suit make sure you train in it in the pool too because your stroke will be different and you are more buyoant. Don’t want to be trying anything new on tri day! Practice in the lake a few times before the race too. It’s much different than a pool but you’re still just swimming. Imagine the smell of chlorine if the open water freaks you out!

    You’ve already run 5k’s, you’ve climbed mountains (of the man-made building kind), and you rule on the bike. You’ll totally rock it!

    Enjoy it all and fun with it. I did, and it made the experience awesome [(and I finished pretty darn good too;)]

42. Jenny on July 29th, 2009 7:35 pm

    This post has me doing that silent giggle in my living room trying not to wake the kids. Two things-

    1. I am ALWAYS waiting for someone to do the Nelson laugh at me. When I trip and stumble walking in the grocery store my first instinct is to dart my eyes to the nearest SEEMINGLY innocent granny who I am sure is about to mutter a “HA ha!” before heading towards the veggies.

    2. My swimming in open water fear is that I am going to brush limbs with a corpse that someone has murdered and dumped into the water and that my motions will cause it to look at me and I will have a moment of zombie in water no escape frantic splashing before succumbing to a heart attack and dying.

43. kakaty on July 29th, 2009 8:14 pm

    I’m so glad I could make your day. I’m still half cracking up and half mortified that I sent you a fetish video. I watched it thinking – why the hell would someone film this, but hey! The internets, they are helpful!.

    And, you are not alone in your open-water worry…I swam competitively for over a decade and am still scared to death of swimming in a lake or the ocean. But, like others said you will most likely need a wetsuit.

44. Kelly on July 29th, 2009 8:30 pm

    Oh my GOD, I nearly peed myself over this:

    “…a MASTURBATING SHARK RIDING A NUCLEAR SUB…”

    Woman, you’re going to kill me one of these days.

45. Crystal on July 29th, 2009 8:50 pm

    As far as the triathlon goes, maybe this video will give you some inspiration:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vN7ujs048Rg

    My SIL, is number 66. ;)

46. Lesley on July 29th, 2009 9:36 pm

    On the bright side, you look like a million trazillion bucks in a bathing suit. My Biggest Fear is wearing a bathing suit in front of straaaaaaannggerrrrrs. Hah.

    Re the open water, there are shoes for swimmers that should mitigate the whole “feet touching slimy weed bottom” and there may even be whole body suits but I’m not sure how practical these would be getting on and off for a triathlon.

47. Lesley on July 29th, 2009 9:44 pm

    Another advantage of the wet suit. Sharks don’t like the taste and will spit you out.

48. Lori on July 29th, 2009 9:51 pm

    Your list of pre-lesson fears cracked me up and then swiftly reminded me of my own list of fears that prevented me from getting my ass to the JCC pool to try to swim laps. I was afraid I’d be the only flabby looking one, or I’d have to change in the open, or I wouldn’t be able to find my way out of the locker room (provided I could find the locker room)… I don’t have your open water concerns but I will definitely be remembering them when/if I swim in open water!

49. Amy on July 29th, 2009 10:57 pm

    Oh man, I am laughing SO hard about your fear of large partially submerged objects. Not laughing AT you. No way. Laughing because you hit it on the nail. We all have these completely random, obscure things that we are afraid of that make complete sense to ourselves, but others would just not get it. I, myself, have never given any thought at all about large partially submerged objects, and now that I’ve thought about it a little bit have definitely added that to my list of fears. I think it’s probably only just below having basically a whole wall of windows in one room of my house because, HELLO, zombie invasion and we’re screwed, I tell you. But it’s only just barely under that on the fear list. Thanks a lot!

50. Kathy on July 29th, 2009 11:47 pm

    My kids are taking swimming lessons for the first time–they started on Monday. We’re addressing major fears such as: (1) water on my face and (2) I’m too short to stand on the bottom of the pool and still have my face out of the water to breathe.

    I’ve told my kids all about you taking swimming lessons (I lied and said you didn’t know how to swim. Please don’t hate me!) and they feel much better about being the oldest kids in swimming lessons, now. So thanks for letting me lie about you to my children!

    Also, I read the entirety of your post out loud to my husband, giggling the whole time. He thinks you’re awesome, too!

51. Joanna on July 30th, 2009 12:10 am

    Okay, but I really want to know what shoes you wore (if you wore any) from the locker room to the pool! I too have this same worry. (I know, I know, LAME).

52. Katy on July 30th, 2009 1:41 am

    Why, WHY would anyone swim in a lake?! Unless one of their beloved’s had fallen in there and they had to rescue them? MY GOD I am having the full body heebie jeebies imagining what would happen if I got some slime wrapped around my foot. I WOULD DIE. THE END. Would you be able to wear shoes? I would need shoes. And something covering my whole face and hair.

53. Eric's Mommy on July 30th, 2009 5:35 am

    Way to go Linda! I wish I was as motivated as you to get off my butt and do something.

    I was dying over that swimcap fetish video. Apparently there is a fetish for EVERYTHING.

54. Heather on July 30th, 2009 5:36 am

    Dear Linda,

    You consistently make my day! :)

55. stacy on July 30th, 2009 5:41 am

    I used to swim for exercise, regularly, and I wore a lycra swim cap – it’s all stretchy and super easy to get on. I don’t suppose it gives you any advantage in time if you are looking to shave mere milliseconds off of your swim time, but it was much more comfortable than the too-tight cone-heady plastic thing. All sports stores carry them … I highly recommend.

56. Kate on July 30th, 2009 5:47 am

    So…I want to offer words of encouragement about the swimming/biking/running thing, but I’m too busy vomiting in fear at the very thought… so, go team Linda? Hurray!?

    Also, an entirely innocent picture of me was favorited on flickr by, I shit you not, a GAUCHO PANTS FETISHIST. For real. My husband also recently wrote a post about stumbling upon a foot fetishist’s movie reviews- http://laaazlo.blogspot.com/2009/07/on-internet-everybody-knows-youre-perv.html

    So this has been a fetish heavy comment. Sorry about that.

57. diane on July 30th, 2009 6:10 am

    I don’t even know how to thank you for being the most awesome writer/person ever! who makes me laugh so hard before I have even finished my coffee.
    Swim cap fetish! Who knew?
    Oh, and go you with the swimming – inspirational as always.

58. Beth on July 30th, 2009 6:25 am

    I still wish your entire post came into my google reader.

59. Jessie on July 30th, 2009 6:36 am

    I have those fears about swimming in bodies of water too, which was not helped by the time my husband finally convinced me to go swimming in a lake and a dead fish touched my face when I surfaced. EWWW!

    I also wanted to let you know that I’ve been reading along here and at Bodies in Motivation, but meeting you in person at Blogher was the best motivation yet. You look amazing! It was enough to make me get my rear off the couch last night to start Couch to 5k training. (and I may even start shredding too, but one thing at a time will probably be the best approach)

60. Amanda on July 30th, 2009 7:01 am

    You crack my shit up.

    I frequently worry about all that type of shit.

    I will not swim in a lake. The edge of the ocean is even a stretch.

61. Rachel on July 30th, 2009 7:08 am

    I’m not usually in the business of telling people what to do, but my suggestion is compile these blog stories and publish, publish, publish so the rest of the world can enjoy your amazing talent and life lessons. This entry had me gasping for air. I could not stop laughing, all the while completely relating to every word. Thanks for making my day.

62. Andrea on July 30th, 2009 7:11 am

    Oh my GOD you are hilarious. And I love your neuroses, as a fellow worrier myself. But you’re so right, things are rarely as bad as we fear they’ll be. Except high school. High school was as bad as I’d feared.

    Anyway, you’re incredibly inspiring as well, and I think it cool that you’re still overcoming your fears and doing all this anyway. How empowering that must feel!

63. Chrissy on July 30th, 2009 7:18 am

    OK, as someone who used to be FREAKEDTHEFUCK OUT (andstillisalittleshh) by open water, here are my thoughts on the matter. Like everything else, unfortunately, I’ve found the best way to get over this–completely warranted, mind you (lake slime! seriously.)–fear is just to do it. Just get in the water and swim and uh, shut your brain off. Because otherwise it jumps from ahhh seaweed! to PIRANHAS! to GREAT WHITE SHARKS CIRCLING A PIT OF SLIME right to OMFG THAT IS ACTUALLY THE TITANTIC I JUST SWAM PAST. Believe me, I swam even *faster* into shore than bong-sucking Phelpsy when a fish lept from the water in front of me once, and have nearly drowned many a friend when I swear I see/feel something and inexplicably seize and cling to them. I swam my first ocean mile this past January, and I found I just really had to focus on getting into my groove. I concentrated on my stroke, on the awesome feel of the water, and on how fucking *cool* it was to be spending the morning swimming through the ocean. There were shittons of man-of-wars on that course, and you know what? Once I got stung once, I didn’t feel scared, I felt invincible. It was like, OK, some freakass creature from the deep just came up into my WORLD, stung me, and I’m still going, I’m still swimming, that was it. I got stung a couple more times and even, deargod, put my HAND through one of its…tentaclesgahhhh and I swam stronger, faster, and finished. I also always kept in eyesight of other people, so I could see their own bodies moving through the water free of imminent death, and you know, had the option to seize-and-cling, should I need to. You of course wont be encountering man-of-wars but I think the sometimes annoying philosophy of what’s the worst that could happen applies here. Keep your body relaxed, keep in sight of other swimmers, and uh, don’t let your eyes roam to innocent shadows that quickly become MASTURBATING SHARK RIDING A NUCLEAR SUB.

    Fitness challenge + fear conquering? My god woman, just think of how GOOD that’s going to feel?

64. Texxla on July 30th, 2009 7:19 am

    You are so inspiring, seriously! WOW

    I could say more now but after reading this I have to get off my ass and go run! Thanks! You so rock and I want to be you or at least be your friend! Thanks

65. Carolyn on July 30th, 2009 7:37 am

    I am laughing so hard right now–tears, ugly face-cramp, etc. My 8yo son has a friend over, and he just walked by my office, looked a little scared, and I’m afraid he may be calling his mom soon to pick him up. (*turns on Wii…lets boys’ eyes glaze over to buy more time reading blogs*)

    Seriously, Linda, you are such a great writer and absolutely hilarious. One of the things I love about you is how you’re this confident woman, a great mom, you’ve overcome a lot and achieved a lot, and you still let us into your little world where you have the same idiosyncrasies we all have. It’s comforting, all kidding aside.

    Though, I don’t know about the exact same idiosyncrasies. I’ve never worried much about masturbating sharks. Has this been on 20/20 yet?

66. Deb on July 30th, 2009 7:58 am

    Lookit. I really don’t think that there are submarines or sharks (masturbating or not, and have you seen a shark? He’d have to work so hard (hard! hah!) to reach his junk, he probably wouldn’t have the energy to do anything to you).

    Why are you ignoring the lake-dwelling, toe-eating fishies? Also, I totally second Jenny with fear of murdered corpses. You need to get serious and focus on worrying about something rational. Like stumbling across a mafia-hit crime seen, swirling with human flesh eating fish.

    You are hilarious, and so are your commenters! I almost spit my coffee on my computer at the fetish video. WTF?

67. Erin on July 30th, 2009 8:23 am

    I am convulsing with laughter but also have some useful advice re: the open water swim.

    If you rent a swimming wetsuit it will serve two purposes – it will keep you warm, but it is also buoyant. It probably won’t cost much to rent and then you will know whether it is useful to own one when you ultimately become addicted to triathlons.

68. Rach on July 30th, 2009 8:46 am

    Okay, so I’ve never commented here before, but I’ve been reading your blog for awhile. I love it! It’s so great that you want to do a triathlon! I just did my first one last week, and as a fellow open-water/creepy underwater creatures phobe I would highly suggest looking into the ChelanMan Try-a-Tri or Sprint triathlon. Lake Chelan is beautiful and probably cleaner than any swimming pool I’ve been in! You don’t even need a wetsuit, although most of the people had them (except for the guy we saw wearing what can only be described as cheekies).
    Anyway, there’s my two cents. Good luck with the swimming! It gets easier once you get the breathing down.

69. Jen W. on July 30th, 2009 9:07 am

    Check out a tri-suit. They are made for swim, bike, run- minus chafing. Check your race rules- some don’t allow wetsuits b/c of the buoyancy issue (unfair advantage, etc.)

    And definitely take the open water swim class! It is SO different. I tried to do it on my own…and I live in South Florida, where there are EFFING SHARKS BIG SHARKS THAT BITE YOU…oh, and also? JELLYFISH THAT STIIIIIING. I did two open water swims before I gave up (after mild panic attacks) and stuck to the pool. But, at least I had some experience swimming with waves and currents.

    A good thing to keep in mind? When you’re tired, the breaststroke is the way to go. My sprint tri was in Miami, where open water swims are like swimming in a bathtub, so I was all good for that.

70. Annie on July 30th, 2009 9:35 am

    No lake swimming assvice, for I have no fear of it. BUT, you fucking crack me up. You are a great writer, funny when it’s called for, all honest, heartfelt and shit when it’s called for. I (heart) you.

71. Erin on July 30th, 2009 10:19 am

    LOL!!! I had to read this sentence a couple times, it was so damm funny!!

    I don’t know why I got so fixated on that little detail but I became convinced it was going to be this humiliating, insurmountable challenge to get the damn thing on my head, like I’d be in the locker room grunting and heaving and eventually collapsing unconscious on the floor in a puddle of my own urine or something, the cap still only halfway stretched across my scalp.

72. Erin on July 30th, 2009 10:19 am

    LOL!!! I had to read this sentence a couple times, it was so damm funny!!

    I don’t know why I got so fixated on that little detail but I became convinced it was going to be this humiliating, insurmountable challenge to get the damn thing on my head, like I’d be in the locker room grunting and heaving and eventually collapsing unconscious on the floor in a puddle of my own urine or something, the cap still only halfway stretched across my scalp.

73. Anna A on July 30th, 2009 12:26 pm

    So I have been swimming in Lake WA every night this week in a bikini (at 11pm!) to escape the insane heat. Unless temps drop down to freezing, you’ll be fine in a swimsuit. It’s super warm. There is however, a lot of lakeweed crap floating about due to everyone being in the water. But it won’t kill you! And the water feels so good! You can do it!

74. marta on July 30th, 2009 12:53 pm

    Ha, when you said “I don’t know if a swimsuit will be ok” I thought, wait. What? She wants to go naked? Like ok, as in not committing a faux pas? What do I not know about triathlons?!?!?

75. Ubah on July 30th, 2009 2:14 pm

    Oh my god, you are so funny!! Thank you for making me laugh.

76. Devon on July 30th, 2009 2:31 pm

    You realize, that from this point on, anyone who will Google “swim cap fetish”, will be directed to your site.

    Perhaps they will also enjoy the vision of you “staggering towards the pool, slicked with oil and sprinkled with powder, half-wet, a second cap dangling from one ear”.

77. Kristen on July 30th, 2009 4:45 pm

    First of all, that is hysterical and not totally unlike my fears when I started triathlon training.

    Second, for the open water swim: I know it seems obvious, but breathe AWAY from the direction the waves are coming from. Please trust me on this.

    Third: Triathlon people are the nicest people ever. I mean, maybe not the ones who are actually competing for 1st place, but I’ve never been around a group that was so friendly and encouraging. I have so many stories but won’t bore you with them here. If you need to be psyched up, email me and I’ll get you SO excited to do a tri. Seriously.

78. Sarah on July 30th, 2009 7:15 pm

    A swim cap fetish I can handle…it’s the foot fetish that has me wretching…but I digress….

    Honey, you’re amazing for even THINKING about attempting to do this…much less taking the steps to do it! Handle it all one fear at a time and we’ll all be staring at you in amazement come September!! You rock!!

    Oh, and don’t feel too bad about not doing well on the book right now. The market sucks currently anyway…so you have time to wait for it to turn around ;) Then your awesomeness will be snatched up faster than mine :D

79. Joy on July 31st, 2009 6:31 am

    You should think about training for this next year since you are into biking now. It is a 24 hour bike race:

    http://www.24-9.com/news.html

80. JennyM on July 31st, 2009 6:42 am

    I think you are going to be eaten NAKED by a masturbating shark riding a nuclear sub, except for your swim cap of course, because don’t forget your swimsuit will have fallen off.

    Oh, man — I’m still giggling. Glad it went well! And go for it with the open water class — if it’s your time to go, then go out big, I say.

81. sharon on July 31st, 2009 8:09 am

    Yup, have that same fear of open water. Not so much the submarine, but definitely slimy plant life and standing in the sandy bottom at the starting line.

82. Emme on July 31st, 2009 9:12 am

    I’m another triathlete reader of yours – this is what keeps me fit and sane and I love the people this sport attracts – just the best!!! Please email me if you have any specfic questions or need some encouragment.

    I have too many embarressing stories to share but believe me – all the humiliation of being a “tri newbie” is worth what you get out of the sport!!

83. babelbabe on July 31st, 2009 9:56 am

    is it totally weird that trying to picture the masturbating shark froze my brain? why would I WANT to picture that anyway? And is the shark wearing a swim cap?

84. Gigi on July 31st, 2009 10:48 am

    OMG! Do realize how hard it was for me to stifle the laughter so my co-workers wouldn’t think I’d lost it completely?? Thanks for bringing a smile to this seemingly endless afternoon!

85. Jenny on July 31st, 2009 10:58 am

    My best suggestion, swim cap wise, is to throw out the latex one, or maybe donate it to a fetishist, and get a non-hurty Lycra one instead.

86. Miriam on August 1st, 2009 7:36 am

    This post made me laugh so much. Thank you for sharing about how you would have looked if you had followed everyone’s advice about donning a swim cap.

87. thatgirlblogs on August 1st, 2009 8:29 am

    LOL have fun with all the google porn you’re gonna get now when people search for masturbating shark porn.

88. tanya on August 1st, 2009 10:14 am

    For me, it’s the potential of a very old, very prehistoric creature living on the bottom of said lake with lots of teeth who just happens to notice my legs and thinks they look yummy. Ugh. So scary.

89. tanya on August 1st, 2009 10:14 am

    in case old and prehistoric needed to be said separately. you know.

90. Becca on August 1st, 2009 7:58 pm

    OK, first of all, I have been reading blogs all day and yours is the best by far! Not trying to make you feel bad here, but that was hilarious!
    I think it’s great that you are determined to do this, even though a lot of it seems to be frightening to you.
    Best of luck with it all!!

91. Shannon on August 2nd, 2009 8:12 am

    HA! I too spend far to much time worrying about the what ifs…then a friend of mine suggested I worry about a trampleing elephant… it would be as productive. It almost never works…but when it does…I get a laugh.

    S

92. kerilyn on August 2nd, 2009 8:08 pm

    Just a random question…your lawn used to look great. What happened? An annoying question, I realize.

93. sundry on August 2nd, 2009 10:06 pm

    The thrilling answer: we don’t water the lawn all summer long, therefore the grass dies mid-summer. By fall, it’ll be lush and green and needing to be constantly mowed again, never fear.

    Are you one of those people who likes to ask if someone’s gained weight, too? JUST WONDERING.

94. kerilyn on August 4th, 2009 12:12 pm

    Gosh, sorry. Really. Just curious. I’ve always admired your yard. Thanks for taking the time to answer.

Leave a Reply