Fix

I start making excuses mid-week when the kids are sick and when the long weekend rolls into view I announce my intentions to slide off the rails for the next few days. I have all the deliberate conviction of someone careening down a ski slope, braking mechanisms forgotten.

Two days later I’m headachy, short-tempered, and tired. I drink Red Bulls all day long, yawning. I stop exercising. I know exactly what my problem is but it doesn’t keep me from going back to the exact same stuff that’s making me feel bad. In fact, the worse I feel, the more damage I do to myself hoping to briefly feel better.

My jeans start feeling tight and I pick at my shirts, pulling and arranging their fabric so it doesn’t cling. My eyes look puffy, my skin breaks out. All the old habits are back, ingrained all over again: the rewards, the comforts, the Pavlovian response to the television being turned on in the evening.

In the morning I think how I should get things under control, at night I tell myself I’ll get back on track tomorrow. I start feeling bad about myself, which sends me right back to the source.

I want to stop, and at the same time the idea of stopping makes me sad and . . . scared, somehow. I’m overwhelmed by the idea of having to give up the instant gratification in favor of long term happiness.

It doesn’t come in a bottle any more, it comes in bags and boxes and wrappers, but the similarities go on and on. I recognize every familiar sign and symptom, everything I’ve already described and some I’m too embarrassed to. At my best of times I am incapable of practicing moderation when it comes to certain foods and so I avoid them altogether. Other times, I tell myself it’s only for a (weekend) (holiday) (while JB’s out of town) (while the kids are sick) (post-race celebration) short period, and who doesn’t deserve a treat now and then, assuming that pizza, cookie dough and cookies, crackers, ice cream, and pile of M&Ms is a treat.

I sound ridiculous, I guess. People say to shut up and eat a brownie, it’s not like you don’t exercise. And it’s hard to describe how sometimes a brownie really is just a brownie—a delicious square of chocolate and flour and sugar that you eat and enjoy and move on from—and sometimes it’s something else, it’s not food anymore. It’s the start of a yowling hateful hole in my body that I can’t fill no matter how hard I try. It’s a tangle of messy habits that have nothing to do with sustenance and everything to do with chasing a temporary pleasure. It’s about losing control.

The good news is I know how to quit. After all, I’ve done it about a hundred times now.

Comments

119 Responses to “Fix”

  1. bally 鞄 ビジネス on October 30th, 2014 6:27 am

    ワンダフルブログ!ヤフーニュースで検索間、私はそれを見つけました。ヤフーニュースに記載されて取得する方法について| 提案のヒント何かありますか?私はしばらくの間しようとしてきたが、私はそこに着くように見えることはありません! おかげ
    bally 鞄 ビジネス http://mundialcursos.com.br/audios/bally/20141029113731-@$-67tm.asp

  2. soniclean on February 23rd, 2015 5:12 am

    I couldn’t resist commenting. Exceptionally well written!|

  3. home automation on February 23rd, 2015 8:18 am

    Hi there friends, good paragraph and pleasant arguments commented at this place, I am really enjoying by these.|

  4. vacation property on February 23rd, 2015 11:29 am

    Marvelous, what a web site it is! This web site presents helpful facts to us, keep it up.|

  5. auto insurance quotes on February 23rd, 2015 11:34 am

    Whats up are using WordPress for your site platform? I’m new to the blog world but I’m trying to get started and set up my own. Do you need any coding knowledge to make your own blog? Any help would be really appreciated!|

  6. debt consolidation programs on February 23rd, 2015 9:46 pm

    It’s very simple to find out any topic on net as compared to books, as I found this post at this site.|

  7. dish network internet on February 23rd, 2015 11:22 pm

    What’s up it’s me, I am also visiting this site daily, this web site is really good and the visitors are genuinely sharing pleasant thoughts.|

  8. discount home insurance on February 23rd, 2015 11:34 pm

    I think the admin of this website is actually working hard in favor of his web page, because here every material is quality based stuff.|

  9. debt consolidation companies on February 24th, 2015 3:21 am

    Ahaa, its fastidious conversation on the topic of this piece of writing here at this weblog, I have read all that, so now me also commenting at this place.|

  10. biotech jobs on March 14th, 2015 6:23 pm

    Ahaa, its good conversation on the topic of this article here at this webpage, I have read all that, so at this time me also commenting at this place.|

  11. term life insurance policy on May 2nd, 2015 7:17 am

    Hi there mates, its fantastic post regarding cultureand fully explained, keep it up all the time.|

  12. cash advances online on May 2nd, 2015 7:18 am

    Terrific work! This is the kind of information that should be shared around the internet. Shame on the seek engines for now not positioning this put up upper! Come on over and discuss with my website . Thanks =)|

  13. rental car insurance on May 2nd, 2015 5:14 pm

    Attractive section of content. I just stumbled upon your site and in accession capital to assert that I get actually enjoyed account your blog posts. Any way I’ll be subscribing to your feeds and even I achievement you access consistently rapidly.|

  14. directv promotions on May 2nd, 2015 5:15 pm

    I’m no longer certain the place you are getting your information, however good topic. I needs to spend a while learning more or understanding more. Thank you for great information I used to be looking for this information for my mission.|

  15. brownstone houses on November 5th, 2015 10:15 pm

    It’s a pity you don’t have a donate button! I’d definitely donate to this brilliant blog! I suppose for now i’ll settle for book-marking and adding your RSS feed to my Google account. I look forward to fresh updates and will talk about this site with my Facebook group. Chat soon!|

  16. carriage home for sale on November 5th, 2015 11:42 pm

    Do you mind if I quote a few of your posts as long as I provide credit and sources back to your website? My website is in the exact same area of interest as yours and my users would genuinely benefit from some of the information you provide here. Please let me know if this ok with you. Thanks a lot!|

  17. satellite internet packages on January 26th, 2016 2:20 pm

    Hmm it seems like your site ate my first comment (it was super long) so I guess I’ll just sum it up what I had written and say, I’m thoroughly enjoying your blog. I too am an aspiring blog writer but I’m still new to everything. Do you have any recommendations for first-time blog writers? I’d certainly appreciate it.|

  18. Hughesnet on January 26th, 2016 3:49 pm

    You really make it seem so easy with your presentation but I in finding this topic to be really something that I feel I’d by no means understand. It seems too complicated and extremely broad for me. I am looking ahead in your subsequent post, I will try to get the hold of it!|

  19. KC Digaetano on February 18th, 2016 11:51 am

Leave a Reply