I mentioned that I borked up my back on Monday, right? The first day JB went back to work and I was alone with two small children in the house and about two hours into my morning I managed to render myself a complete invalid? I would tell you how much that sucked, except we definitely need a stronger word to better express the complete and utter thoroughness of the suckiness. It was like black-hole suckage. Dyson suction. Heidi-and-Spencer level sucktasticness. Worse than the initial C-section recovery, and of course I had run through all my good drugs, and I can tell you from experience that trying to get a refill on any decent — ie, abusable — pain medication is pretty much like asking for a brick of white China to be ferried to your house along with a bag of clean needles, which is to say your friendly neighborhood doctors would much rather suggest you use something else, like have you tried ibuprofen? (PS. SHOVE YOUR ADVIL UP YOUR CONSERVATIVE DOSE-HOLE, MEDICAL ESTABLISHMENT.)

My back is almost completely better now but I feel like I am going through my activities in a tentative, suspicious manner, because I’m so paranoid it’s going to give out again. It’s like the time my toilet suddenly and inexplicably clogged and then, oh my god, overflowed — once a previously benign, utilitarian object has betrayed you in such a dramatic and unpleasant manner, it can never truly be trusted again.

In other physical-annoyance news that is surely more information than you ever wanted to hear from me, I had a Mirena IUD put in during my C-section and although my OB gave me lots of information ahead of time on possible side effects she neglected to mention the strings. The strings attach to the IUD and, you know, are there so that the device may be painfully yoinked from your lady parts when the time comes — but no one told me they would be, uh, clear and present and accounted for after the birth. Like, not demurely hidden away and only there in some theoretical but not obvious manner, but rather rudely INTRUSIVE, or perhaps I should say EXTRUSIVE. Apparently the strings need to be trimmed, which is . . . well. Perhaps you can imagine just how fun that sounds. I mean, what can I say, I’m sort of shy about people with sharp scissors rooting around in my nether-regions.

However, I’m ready to allow an entire pit crew in there if that’s what it takes, because as my friend Sarah perfectly described these goddamned strings, they are hostile. You may be thinking of a nice cotton string or maybe a soft grosgrain ribbon but you would be WRONG. No, it’s more like the sort of industrial fishing tackle you’d use to catch a 100-lb marlin, and I won’t get into any (further) details but I’ll just say this: AIIIEEEEE.

Well. Am I a sparkling conversationalist today or what? Good lord. Quick subject change: JB is off diving this morning, which as far as I’m concerned means I get the afternoon to do whatever in hell I want. Would you escape the house and children in order to go out and do something for yourself — buy some shoes or some shit — or would you take, like, a 4-hour nap?

Comments

Subscribe
Notify of
guest
78 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Jenn Perryman
Jenn Perryman
14 years ago

I suggest you spend 20 minutes shoe-shopping online and then take a nap :)

Naomi
14 years ago

I hope your back is better. Also, I didn’t know the IUD was so upkeep-intensive. A friend of mine just got one put in too. I had no idea about the cutting of the strings. that does NOT sound fun. Is Depo-Provera not good? I dunno, if I popped out kids and wasn’t gonna have anymore, I’d make my husband get his stuff snippy-snipped. I’m just sayin’…

So if JB is out and you’re wanting to escape, who’s gonna watch the kids?!? LOL

samantha Jo Campen
14 years ago

Strings?!?! Are you KIDDING me? I had no idea. So, like, do they get in the way of, um. . .DOING things? Like, a horrible tampon string gone awry?

I’m just in awe. Good luck with the trimmings.

sooboo
14 years ago

Jeebus you got a lot to contend with. Here I was feeling sorry for myself with a sore throat. I’d say two hour nap, two hours of leaving the house.

Sally
Sally
14 years ago

There is no debate about this one whatsoever – YOU SLEEP (with the absolute proviso that JB takes the children out of the house for the entire time or it doesn’t count and you are still owed an afternoon!).

Lisa
Lisa
14 years ago

Go out to get me time, definitely. If you stay in, it will be impossible to block out all the noises of motherhood, and will not be able to sleep more than an hour or two. Then you will be sucked back in to the family fray. Don’t get me wrong, the family fray can be wonderful, but completly counter productive to you doing “whatever the hell you want.”

Belle
Belle
14 years ago

I never had an IUD but I will say that the best present hubby ever gave me was a vasectomy when 2nd child was 6 months old. Yay! Saved me years of perplexing birth control choices, and none of them back then were that great. This string stuff sounds about as gross as the old diaphragm. Ick. And I, too, want to know where those strings go when you “resume activity”!

Victoria
14 years ago

nap. I’d oh so go for the nap!

Sundry
Sundry
14 years ago

The strings are supposed to be short enough to not be, you know, In the Way. Ahem. Hence the trimming, I guess.

Marlen
14 years ago

I’m with sooboo – 2 hour nap and then 2 hours out by yourself for something indulgent.

andrea
14 years ago

I like the idea of a quick shopping trip followed by a 3 hour nap. Enjoy your time however you spend it.

I’ve heard others talk about having to have the strings trimmed on an iud, sounds like one hell of an inconvenience to me. Although I suppose better than the alternative, another baby.

Monica
Monica
14 years ago

Ah, yes, the strings. Trimming isn’t as bad as it sounds. Had to have it done myself after I almost stabbed myself to death by doing such dangerous activities as sitting and standing.

Kari
Kari
14 years ago

Look outside – it is our annual spring fever teaser. Absolutely gorgeous. Go get some much needed Vitamin D (U-Village, not Pacific Place) and remind yourself how fantastic things will be this summer.

BethanyWD
14 years ago

I had NO idea that they could place a Mirena IUD during the c-section. My c-section was sort of “surprise” so there was no discussion of BC prior to the delivery, so I had mine placed 8 weeks after delivery (which is sort of a story in and of itself, since I had a little extra bleeding during the procedure, so my OB had to sit there for about 20 minutes with her had in my va-jay-jay and make small talk while she got the bleeding to stop). I have to ask – do they place it through the c-section incision or the normal way? My string has never bothered me (why did they leave it long?), and I have to tell you, the IUD is the BEST BC I have ever been on. After a bit of spotting for a month of two, I really never have a period. WHICH IS AWESOME. Three years with the IUD and no problems. I probably have 5 friends who have them and they haven’t had any issues either.

Judith in NYC
Judith in NYC
14 years ago

JB will appreciate the string trimming, believe me. I know whereof I speak.

Christine
Christine
14 years ago

Get the hell out of the house, even if it means taking a nap in your car.

AmyW
AmyW
14 years ago

If it were me, I’d take a POWER NAP then get the freak out of the house for a while.

Shopping online is fun, but I can not shop for shoes online. I have a hard enough time shopping for shoes when I can try them on :]

Also, if it were me, I would include some kind of chocolate in my outting. mmm

Sonia
Sonia
14 years ago

Both! You deserve the nap AND the aimless wandering/shopping, I say. Are you feeling physically good enough, post C-section, to go out and about? Superwoman!

I’m totally squicked out by the IUD anyway, but now that I know there are obnoxious strings involved? Double. Squicked. And I just gagged. You are a brave woman.

Sonia
Sonia
14 years ago

Also, HOLY CRAP it’s beautiful outside today!! If you do escape for the shopping, I agree with Kari, do it at U Village so you can get some sun on your face!

Liz
Liz
14 years ago

The string trimming takes about 0.5 seconds and there’s nothing uncomfortable or painful about it. I can’t believe they didn’t do it when it was placed.

I’ve had the Mirena for over a year and it’s probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me in my whole life. That may be exaggerating a bit, but it’s definitely the easiest and most awesome birth control method I’ve ever used.

Erin
Erin
14 years ago

RE: The Strings. They get softer over time. I’ve had the Mirena for about 3 years now and the strings are barely noticeable. At first they totally felt like fishing line/wire, but after awhile they became very soft. Warning! Slightly TMI ahead! The strings now just kind of curl up around the opening to the cervix and no one notices them. (You’re welcome!)

Granted, they shouldn’t be too long, but also you don’t want them to be too short. I think they probably left them longer to give your body time to adjust the IUD. You don’t want to start off with the string being too short and the IUD to move up and then the strings go missing. That would suck.

I just have to say though. I love, love, love the Mirena. It pretty much makes your period non-existent and it’s nice not to have to worry about BC at all (except every month when you have to check the strings).

Jamie
14 years ago

Oh, I’d take the nap, hands down.

I was hoping you’d talk about the mirena because i’m thinking of getting one after #2 is born in June. I’m 99% sure I’m done having babies, but not quite ready to make it permanent yet.

warcrygirl
14 years ago

I’d take the nap. I mean, you can always shop later but sleep? It may never come. I just got back on the Pill and I CANNOT wait until I start my second pack, especially since my previous method of birth control was OMG DON’T TOUCH ME THIS ISN’T THE “SAFE” WEEK! Latex allergies suck but hey, now my BC has no strings attached. HAAAAA!

Feel free to punch me now.

angela
14 years ago

My strings were cut before she inserted it. I wonder why they didn’t cut yours beforehand?

Jean
Jean
14 years ago

Next time put out a request on your blog for pain killers. I’ve got a nice supply in my cabinet.

Kizz
14 years ago

Ideally I would take a nap on the ob-gyn table while they trimmed those damn strings! More likely, though, I’d drive to a mall or coffee shop with good intentions and take a four hour nap in the car wherever I parked.

Chloe
14 years ago

I’ve heard mirena is awesome. Once you get the string trimmed, of course.
I have Implanon which is good for 3 years– they stick a giant needle in your arm (with local anasthetic, you don’t feel a thing), and shoot a piece of flexible plastic– the stuff they use for artifical joints, I think– (about the size of a matchstick) into your arm. It’s impregnated with synthetic progesterone, which slowly releases into the system. You can breastfeed while you’re on it, but luckily that’s not an issue for me.
I’ve had it for about a month, and I did a lot of reading, so I knew for the first few months, spotting is extremely common. Unfortunately, for me, spotting = 10 day period. In fact, it’s still going on. :(
I’m hoping eventually I’ll stop having my period altogether (about 20% of people on the implant do), but for now, I just want my period to end already. Please? No cramps, though. I still don’t regret the decision… but if this turns into a 20 day period, I’m going to have to have a talk with my uterus.

And I definitely vote for the nap!

Carol
14 years ago

You might kill me for this and I might deserve it, but…

Mine are now 18, 18, 21 and 23 which means that, at one time I had four under the age of five. I remember wanting nothing more that to have one hour (hell, 5 minutes!) to myself. I couldn’t wait for them to grow up enough so that I didn’t feel like a lint roller ball — them just clinging to me no matter where I went.

And now? Today? I HOPE my 23-year-old wants to come home after a long biz trip (and maybe go wine tasting at the Woodinville wineries?!), and we’ll probably go the whole weekend without seeing our 21-year-old, and the twins are so busy being seniors in HS and having boyfriends and girlfriends and working and playing like that age does. So hubby and I may or may not see ANY of them for more than that hour I so wanted ALONE back then!

And here’s what you might hate me for, but it’s true: I’d love to have back some of that time when they were all infants and toddlers and pre-schoolers. Tell ya what? Just for this weekend, we can trade. I have GREAT kids — they are wonderful and a blast to spend time with… but they’re doing what they’re supposed to be doing: BEIN’ GONE. And I’m not ready for that. So I’ll take your adorable, cuddly kidlets for a few hours and you can sleep THEN shop. Kay?!

Yeah, I know — this is more a post than a comment. Sorry ’bout that!

Carol

willikat
14 years ago

i would so go shopping even though it makes more sense to sleep. i’d shop til i couldn’ stand it anymore, then come home and sleep. hopefully that will be before JB arrives, and when he comes home he’ll feel bad you’re sleeping and let you keep on sleeping. but, um, i hope you got a babysitter or something…

Swistle
14 years ago

How about a 2-hour nap, then taking off for some shopping?

I STILL remember what you said—I think it was after Riley was born–about WAY TO FIGHT THE WAR ON DRUGS WITH A POST C-SECTION WOMAN. My mom had non-c-section abdominal surgery and got, like, four weeks’ worth of painkillers. After my c-sections, I get a 2-day supply. I can see why people hide medicine under their tongues and smuggle it out.

Niki P.
Niki P.
14 years ago

You had that Mirena conversation a few months back on your journal and it got me really thinking. I did a bunch of reasearch and decided to go with it I had it “installed” a month ago. I bled for 18 days but I had/have no string issues. I now have my first period since the “istallation” and it’s much lighter than normal. I asked the BF if he could feel the strings (because I can’t) and he said no. He is just tickled not to be using condoms. So far the Mirena gets two (or four) big thumbs up. One little thing- my chin is broke out a little bit- I think the small amount of hormones in the Mirena have caused that. No big deal.

Sarah
14 years ago

Thank you for mentioning the Mirena; I have an appointment on the 29th of March to have one installed. (Installed? Put in? What is the right terminology for birth control?) Anyway, had no idea that there were external anythings involved. Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of the INTERNAL Uterine Device?

Anyway, if it curls and softens, like one of your readers commented, I’m fine. I’m italian. It would just get lost in the surround brush anyhow.

(I see your TMI and raise you Italian pubic hair.)

Lesley
Lesley
14 years ago

The docs really messed up with the IUD there. That should never have happened. Ugh. The strings are supposed to be cut at the top of your cervix. (I hope this isn’t TMI, but JB might feel them even when they’re cut.)

Btw, having used various IUDs – including the dreadful Lippes Loop which was eventually banned – for five consecutive years in the eighties, I’m emphatically not a fan. After the insertion of the first one I developed endometriosis. Although the doctors claimed for five long years that the IUDs had nothing to do with it, the endometriosis disappeared shortly after I had the last one removed. (Endometriosis is where parts of the uterine lining leave the uterus and attaches to other organs like one’s bladder and bleeds. It’s extremely painful and debilitating.) My periods were also excruciatingly long and heavy. I suspected the IUDs were irritating my uterus and that my uterus was doing its utmost to expel the damn things but the doctors told me this was incorrect. All I know is that when I had the last one taken out and was IUD free my uterus returned to normal, the endo disappeared, and my periods became regular again.

The fact that you’ve been pregnant may make them more comfortable and wearable. See how it goes.

Lesley
Lesley
14 years ago

re strings. I messed up in my description. they’re supposed to be cut at the very top of your vagina so they poke just outside the cervix. Ok, will stop with the TMI. I’m sure I’m giving somebody the heebiejeebies. :)

Sundry
Sundry
14 years ago

Any men still reading? No? Didn’t think so. Anyway, on the strings issue — I think they said this might happen because it was inserted right after birth. So my uterus was all, I don’t know, big and floppy, as opposed to normal sized? I guess that has something to do with why the strings weren’t cut, they probably didn’t know the exact right length.

Betsy
Betsy
14 years ago

My back went out last July, and I spent a day in the ER. They gave me about 3 days’ worth of muscle relaxers and pain killers. After that, I had to take prescription-strength Advil (800 mgs). Once that Rx ran out, I figured out that I had 800 mg doses of Advil RIGHT THERE IN MY VERY OWN MEDICINE CABINET. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Feel better!

What has helped me over the long term are my regular visits to the chiropractor.

Christine
Christine
14 years ago

Go out for 2 hours, then go home and take a nap. But let JB know when you come through the door you are STILL off duty and there shall be no disturbing mommy during her nap.

Re the string situation: YIKES! This confirms our decision to just keep on using condoms. I hope it all works out for you and you don’t have any, uhh, issues.

Lisa B
Lisa B
14 years ago

Ditto what Jean said – put out a call for help while you still need the painkillers. :) I’m a walking pharmacy over here in Kirkland, what with multitudes of back problems, hip problems, and all.

Valria
14 years ago

So glad your back is feeling better. So glad.

As for the free time today…Go out, any other day I would say, nap nap nap. But it is so beautiful out side. Go for a walk or something similar then the nap.

**heading back out to work in yard**

ShannonJ
ShannonJ
14 years ago

Can’t commiserate with the IUD issue – we opted for the method wherein my husband’s sperm will run into a dead end. Wow, that sounded bad. I guess I should have just said vasectomy.

I vote for leaving the house, but go somewhere relaxing and get a little rest. It’s too hard to nap when everyone is in the house. Unless you can get JB to take the boys out somewhere. Or, there is also the nap-with-iPod option. If you can sleep with music in your ears, it does block out most of the other household noise. Whatever you do, enjoy the break!

Kirsten
14 years ago

Had the same problem with the strings poking my tender lady bits, had them trimmed and was no big deal. She told me that she ‘tucked them behind your cervix’ (YUCK) but it solved the problem.

Also, Tylenol PM + Sucky Advil at night make a nice faux opiate.

Also? take a nap!

christen
14 years ago

Poor Linda. I had the Mirena put in the standard way and OUCH. Having never had children let me repeat OUCH.

It’s good though. They trimmed that day and I never had a problem. Really. I swear. Once trimmed all is well. And after a while you won’t get a period anymore which is fabu.

But, I can imagine after everything else you’ve put up with this week, those strings are more like giant ice picks, eh?

And no – they do not get in the way of “things.” After a while they get softer and kind of… how did my doctor describe them… wind up in a circle under your cervix. Pleasant, I know, but you need one less thing to worry about, I think.

And PS – make JB get the snip when the 5 years are up. :)

christen
14 years ago

To the people that sound slightly confused – the strings don’t poke OUTSIDE of your lady bits. Oh dear lord no. No no no no no. They are well inside your body. Eeks! That’d be like walking around with a tampon hanging out every day and NO thank you.

BTW – no more braided strings for IUDs = much less chance of all those infections in the 70s and 80s. FYI to the readers who are now completely skeeved out about the IUD. It really is a good choice! Best decision I ever made. No falling out like the Nuva Ring (well, I guess it could, if I was, um, loose or something… eew) and no potential breakage like condoms. No monthly craziness like pills, either.

Yay! IUD good! :)

Jennifer
14 years ago

Wow, very cool post and definitely cool comments. I never knew about any of this Mirena stuff, this is fascinating!

You gotta GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! It’s a sunny day, get away get away. If you’re right there in the house taking a nap, you know there will be interruptions. OMG, open the car window, breathe the fresh air, take the opportunity to wear your SUNGLASSES!!!!

I hope JB had a good dive. I heard on the radio that divers are supposed to report octopus sightings around Seattle waters this month – did he see any?

McWriter
14 years ago

The strings. OH, THE STRINGS! They sound totally, utterly, completely little-shiver-up-your-lady-parts-y (and not the good kind) DREADFUL.

You are a trooper. Thanks for the deets. Now I’ll stop wondering …

For your afternoon off? I stay start at Starbucks for a little Linda-style zen. Then take a little stroll – the fresh air in Boston is gorgeous today (post-big snowstorm) – maybe Seattle is the same. Then a mani/pedi might be in order, if your pre-Dylan application is getting chippy. Then … a movie all by yourself! Have you seen The Diving Bell and the Butterfly? It will really get you thinking – in an inspirational way.

Have the best afternoon!

Sunshyn
14 years ago

I thought they felt like guitar strings (think the high E) myself. But then they were… gone. Oh yes. The IUD perforated my uterus and went traveling the galaxy of my abdomen, adhering to my bladder and necessitating laparoscopic surgery to remove it. I went back on the pill. I hear IUDs are much better than they were in the days of the old CU7. Be glad you can FIND the strings! And do core body exercises to keep from reinjuring your back.

kalisah
14 years ago

your doctor fucked up. The strings are supposed to be trimmed when it’s inserted. You should be able to feel them if you really, really TRY but your husband shouldn’t even notice them during sex.

I had the Marina put in a couple months ago which has been great except that going off the pill after 20 years suddenly caused my face to break out like a teenager. That’s another side effect they may have failed to mention to you.

Jennifer
14 years ago

What an informative post! While I am completely freaked out by what sounds like weed eater spool dangling around down in Ladytown, I feel like I learned something! Huzzah!

I do hope your back feels better. Back pain is so nagging and miserable – especially with two kiddos to tow around!

I think you should definitely grab a nap and seek out a little time in the sunshine -spring is just around the corner!

wilddreemer
14 years ago

I would read blogs (like mine) then go buy donuts fresh and eat them right there in my car, and then go buy shoes!

Sarah
14 years ago

Maybe you can get a NEW prescription for your back pain? May I recommend Percocet?
Take the nap, absolutely. And make hubby take the kids OUT of the house, otherwise, you’ll just keep getting “accidentally” bothered. Take Nyquil if you think you’ll have trouble falling asleep initially. Sleep is IMPERATIVE.