Sep
15
So the triathlon I’m doing—and can I just interrupt myself, like, immediately here and say that I wish that different lengths of triathlons had different easily-recognized names so it’s more clear that what I’m signed up for is the beginner’s training-wheel version and not an IRONMAN or some shit, I mean I know it’s technically called a super-sprint but that makes it sound like I’m going to try and do it really really fast which is highly unlikely unless my athletic abilities miraculously skyrocket between now and Saturday and/or someone plants a jet propeller in my ass; every time I mention this triathlon I feel like I need to downplay its difficulty which is kind of ironic given how utterly FREAKED OUT I am by the looming race date and, oh, the little matter of having spent most of my summer planning for it and taking swimming lessons, for god’s sake; so let it be known I want FULL CREDIT for the ass-kicking task I’m about to take on, but just so we’re perfectly clear: this is not a full triathlon—is Saturday, and I can tell I’m pretty much having nonstop anxiety about it because every time I remember that it’s in less than a week I have to leap to my feet and run off to the bathroom to pee a tiny little useless pee like a nervous, brain-damaged Pomeranian. It’s going to be a RIOT on Saturday morning when I’m standing around before the swimming stage all sausage-packed into my wetsuit and having to unpeel myself every thirty seconds and scurry to the Porta-Potties.
I’m feeling most squirrelly about the swimming portion, because although I have improved greatly, if I do say so myself, from the head-aloft dog paddle I was doing before, I’m still not the strongest swimmer and I get a little panicky when I have to share a lane with someone at the pool, which doesn’t bode well for my ability to handle the group start when a billion thrashing-salmon racers hit the water at the same time. Despite some lofty plans to improve my open water technique (by which I mean tamping down on the desire to shriek my lungs out like the skinny-dipping girl in the opening scene of Jaws when my hand comes into contact with marine plant life) I only swam in non-chlorinated water twice this summer. So I’ll have to, you know, try and nut up over the fact that the swim segment is in an actual lake that is presumably not perfectly clear or devoid of non-water contents, nor will it be marked with a comforting black directional stripe.
I plan to wear a swimsuit with (non-padded) biking shorts under the wetsuit, and once I heave myself out of the water and get out of the Body Glove that’s what I’ll have on for the bike/run. It is every bit as attractive as you might imagine—the various bits of flesh erupting from the supertight swimsuit, the Lycra shorts clinging in a moist, inappropriate manner— and while I keep telling myself it’s about comfort and not having to slow down to change outfits altogether I’m sure I will experience at least one humiliating moment where I realize I’m out in public wearing this insane getup and I’m not even drunk.
JB convinced me to buy some of those sports gels and I tried one yesterday and damned if it doesn’t taste exactly like the gelatinous substance that forms the goo in those Hostess pies. Which is to say, it’s sort of terrifying and delicious at the same time, like the pregnancy glucose drink. I don’t know if I’ll use any during the race but it’s nice to know I can treat someone’s diabetic hypoglycemia in an emergency. (“EAT THIS GEL! IT TASTES LIKE CHEMICAL PIE!”)
I’m going to try and do one low-key run, bike ride, and swim this week, just to feel somewhat familiar with all three activities, but other than that there’s not much more I can do to prepare. Other than pee constantly, of course. And eat everything in sight, because 1) that’s how I deal with stress these days, and 2) as far as I’m concerned when there’s a sports event in your future, even if it’s many days away, “binge eating” magically becomes “carb loading”. Don’t mind the ever-present Ben & Jerry’s IV stand, I’m carb loading over here.
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I remember using those gels for my 2nd half-marathon after carrying crackers on my first was painfully annoying (the chewing? why did I think that was a good idea?) and I felt the same conflict regarding taste. SOOO SWEET…is this good or bad? But damn if they don’t do the trick. I actually followed the advice to eat one 20 minutes before the start of the race and was glad for that.
Good luck…I’m oddly excited for you!
I’ve now erased 4 different lame ass comments…so all I’m going to say is
GOOD LUCK!!!
Can’t wait to “see” how you do!!
I go through a bunch of ‘Goo’ every time I do a long bike ride. They have kept my legs from cramping up. Good Luck.
Good luck – and don’t minimize your achievement! It’s an open water tri – you’ll kick ass and be so glad you did it once you finish.
Can I just say that I have never known anyone who has done a triathlon before, and I am so so impressed by your ambition.
Just the fact that you entered it, trained for it, and will actually compete in it = HUGE win.
Peeing like a Pomeranian? Pure gold!
You go girl, we all wish we could be there to cheer you on, hand you cups of water, and celebrate in the victory that is yours just for having competed!
Oh – if the swim is really freaking you out – stay near the back and use breast stoke. It helps a lot. Keep your line as close to the buoys as possible to minimise the distance you’re swimming.
Good luck!
I, too, can’t wait to hear how it goes. So impressed by you right now.
A triathlon is a triathlon, no matter how long it is. Deep breaths, you will be fine. Oh, and don’t peel off the wetsuit to go pee, go stand in the lake and let fly. It will warm you up, too. Gross, I know. Good luck!
Be wary of the sports gels if you have never used them before. They kind of go through the system quickly. Ahem. So I’ve heard…
good luck! the swimming part (ESP in open water, ew ew ew) is what’s always kept me from doing a triathalon. oh yeah, and the wetsuit. but you’ll do great!
those gel things make me gag just thinking about them. i kept trying to use them when i was marathon-training, but i just couldn’t do it. gag.
Just pee in your wet suit. No one will even notice.
Dude, first of all, stop downplaying this! It’s an awesome accomplishment to do a race of ANY kind, let alone one involving three different sports, one of which you’ve only recently taken up in earnest. You’re phenomenal and you deserve the accolades.
Second, forget the Port-a-Potties. Just wait til you’re in the water and pee in the wetsuit. Diver’s Delight and all. Keeps you warm!
I can’t wait to hear all about the tri. You’re going to kick butt.
Good luck! My boyfriend just did his bazillionth triathlon this weekend and holy hell the swim looked scary (In the ocean! With huge swells coming in! And possibly the largest kelp I’ve ever seen!) Anyway, he says if you freak out during the swim, just flip over on your back for a minute or two and your wetsuit will totally keep you afloat. Also, he sprays the outside of his wet suit with Pam cooking spray before trying to get out of it in transition. He says it helps it slide off more easily. I find the idea of spraying yourself with cooking spray to be absolutely hilarious. Too bad they wouldn’t let me into the transition area to take pictures :-)
Chris: I’ve heard about the Pam thing! Do you mean he sprays the INSIDE of his suit, though?
Pee in the wetsuit and start yourself in the back of the group before the start of the swim – it’ll minimize the in-water trampling.
Good luck, and have fun!
1. Once the wetsuit is on, leave it. Pee in the water. I promise you, everyone else is.
2. Sport gels are yummy but mostly remind me of [cake flavored] cum. I just can’t get around it. ANYWAY, they generally take about 15 minutes for you to feel the kick of it, so if you’re going to take it, take it either right at the start, or just after the swim before the bike. If you wait until the run, about 5 minutes after you’re done (this is a 1 mile run, right?) you’ll be all OOOH, ENERGY!!!
Also, in the spirit of “nothing new on race day”, if you’re going to swim /bike or runt his week, do so with the gel to see how you react.
Because I hate wedgies, I encourage you to swim w/the bike shorts and a sports bra, and the throw a bike jersey or some such shirt on in T1 — that way you don’t have to deal with the swim suit crawling it’s way up your nether regions for the whole bike. If not, at least bike with the suit for practice just to make sure you don’t have any unpleasant chafing surprises.
But beyond all that: You are going to ROCK. I wish we were all there to cheer you on and annoy you with cowbell!!!!
Sorry, I meant to add:
You sound like you have a set plan, and really, that’s the most important part. I just realized I gave you a slew of advice you might not have time to deal with, and that’s Ok — you’re still going to do well, you won’t die, and everything will be awesome.
Now go pee in your wetsuit and have a great time! :)
Good luck!! It’s super impressive that you’re even attempting a triathalon when I am thinking about attempting to even just RUN!
Liz: all advice on this topic is totally welcome! I did some biking/running in this outfit before and it seemed okay. Probably wouldn’t work for longer distances.
You rock!! be sure to have someone take lots of pictures. We wanna see the outfit. ;-)
You will be fine! You will be fine. You will be fine. I promise, but also sympathize. I’ve done enough mountain bike races that you’d think I’d get over the nervous part, but I never do. I always seem to forget that the nerves leave you the second you settle into a rhythm. One bit of advice: don’t try to eat a gel if you’re also trying to gasp for air because you’ll end up drooling it down your face. I, erm, speak from experience. Just remember: You know how to swim. You know how to ride a bike. You know how to run. The rest will work itself out. You are a total rockstar and you’re going to be fine.
You’re so funny. I LOL every time you mention freaking out about touching something alive (or previously alive) in the water. Good luck, I’m sure you’ll be so pumped afterward that you’ll sign up for another one!
Can’t wait to hear all about it.
You will rock it because, well, you rock!
Thanks for the fun stories. Everything you write is so fun to read.
Everything you’re doing right now – and I mean everything – the parenting, the job, the marriage, the insane pushing your limits with fitness, the writing – it’s all so impressive and inspirational.
Good for you, keep it up, and thanks. I just love reading it.
I’ll pile on to the “pee in the wetsuit.” It’ll only be a few little diluted drops of pomeranian pee anyway, and like Liz says, OH YEAH, everyone else is doing it. Don’t swallow any water at the start, hahahaha.
I’d suggest positioning yourself on the outside edge of the rest of the swimmers. Then you can watch them alongside without getting trampled or getting a bunch of splooshy kicking splash in your face if you’re behind them.
And the outfit you describe is exactly what I would wear. You’re going to rock!
Next summer, you should come up north to my little hometown of Vulcan, Alberta. Every year they have a half triathlon (and I think next year they are adding the super sprint), that is meant to be just for fun and geared towards beginners. It’s so laid back that it’s the perfect place for newbies, and best of all you get to swim in a nice, clean outdoor swimming pool!
Good luck!! You will do great!!
Haha, you are too funny. I’m so excited to hear how it goes! You are awesome!
DUDE! I pee like a pomeranian every time I get nervous. Or before a meeting. Or before I need to go do something else. It’s so annoying!
GOOD LUCK! I can’t run to the end of my driveway so you are totally my hero. And, definitely pee in the wetsuit. Keeps you warm in the water!
Good luck! My heart always starts racing when I hear people just days away from their first event – I ran a full marathon 4 years ago so I know the anxiety! Ditto on not trying anything new on race day. Stick with what works for you (gels or not) and you probably won’t get much sleep the night before, so get as much restful sleep Thursday night.
Linda, you are my hero. I’ve been afraid of the tri because I look like a drowning jackass when I swim. I am sure I’d be the only person doing the dog paddle (and badly at that) during the open-water swim. And then there’s the whole “open water” part. Dude, I’m all about swimming in the lake if you take out all of the seaweed and other floaty shit and while you’re at it, TAKE OUT ALL OF THE FISH WHO ARE WAITING TO EAT ME ONCE I GET IN THE WATER.
Anyway, reading your swimming stories has inspired me to maybe go take a lesson or two and get over my whole fear of the tri. You rock. Whether it’s the freaking Ironman or a sprint, it’s a huge accomplishment. Don’t downplay it!
Also, GUs have been my best friend for years when doing marathons. As long as you can stomach them, they do what they promise. I highly recommend them. I’ve also tried Luna blocks and those aren’t too bad, but the GUs don’t require chewing. Just don’t overdo them. I learned that lesson the hard way. I’ll spare you the graphic details. :)
Good luck! You will be awesome, and I can’t wait to hear about it here!
You are a super hero already mother of two :) This will be a stroll in the park.
Good luck! Can’t wait to hear the story. x
Oh, the Pam thing is for the outside of the wetsuit, you spray on the lower arms/legs. When you take the wetsuit off, it helps the rubber slide over itself. Makes a little bit of difference, but if you don’t want one more thing to worry about, it’s not a huge thing.
It’s more important to have a well-organized transition area, since you’ll be all adrenaline-ized, a little dizzy, and super clumsy when you come out of the water. It helps to lay out a smaller towel on the ground right by your bike wheel and put all of your stuff on the towel. Stuff for the bike in front, stuff for the run in back. Then cover everything with another small towel, so your stuff doesn’t get knocked about.
The two most important things: 1)Body Glide 2)Have fun
um, any triathlon is impressive, super sprint or not. for me, it’s the bit about open water swimming and transitions between each event that makes it an impossibility, not the duration of each event. oh, and i’d blow a gasket over the required wardrobe, my self-esteem will never be that high (no matter that everyone else has to wear similar sausage casing-y clothes, i am obviously the only one who looks terrible in such things).
mmmmm carb loading. i do that 24/7 during frisbee season. it’s a season, that means i can eat as much as i want of whatever i want, right? right.
Good luck! You’ll make it through!
When you said sports gel right after the outfit description, I thought it was something for chafing. SO confused wondering why you tasted it…
I have no advice but I’m hugely impressed that you’re doing this despite your fears. You’re an inspiration, girl!
I’ll be cheering you on from my back deck (with a glass of wine!). You totally rock.
Good for you! The fact that this is scary for you is what’s so cool about your doing it!
Don’t downplay it! The fact that you’re doing ANY kind of triathalon is cause for celebration and definite bragging rights. You’re going to do awesome and it’ll be a total learning experience and you’ll be higher than a kite when you finish. Can’t wait to hear about the details (and see pictures!).
I bought a sticker that is next to my finisher’s medal and race bib (from my 1st 1/2 marathon) that says: “The miracle isn’t that I finished. The miracle is that I had the Courage to Start.” ~John J. Bingham.
We’re all cheering for you Linda!
Did my first one last weekend and totally with ya on the having to pee 8000 times right beforehand. It’ll go great – the waiting around in the beginning is the hardest part, but once you start it’s just fun. Well, “fun”. And an awesomely good feeling at the finish line. Good luck!
I am sure you will do fine. The fact that you’re doing it is already a huge accomplishment regardless of how you finish.
Also, have you tried those Jelly Bell Sports Beans? It’s candy that’s supposed to be good for you. How great is that?
Suggestions:
1. Stand in the water right up until the start, and just pee away!
2. If your goal is to finish and not to win, start your swim at the back of the pack. Less flailing = more success!
I so admire you for doing this and the discipline it’s taken to go through all the training for it. In addition to your state of superb fitness, adrenalin and excitement will be on your side and you’ll probably just push right through.
When it’s over, pump your fist in the air for the camera.
You will rock this.
P.S. Ben & Jerry’s If I had 1,000,000,000 flavours is TO.DIE.FOR & only 1,200 calories for a whole pint. :)
oops, I made it a billion flavours. hahaha.
OMG Denice! I’m doing the Vulcan next year! I used to live in Langdon and kicked myself when I didn’t do it while I was there. I did the Danskin here in Seattle and now I’m working my way up to Vulcan. Go me! UFO Landing site here I come.
Hmmm…J. Lo didn’t downplay it like that when she did a triathlon. As a matter of fact, I believe what she said was that it was bigger than what Michael Phelps did at the Olympics.
Then again, J. Lo’s ego may be a bit larger than yours.
GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You just treated me to the best laugh I’ve had in a week — so GO LINDA! I’ll be rooting for you this weekend!
I got on to say “just pee down your leg, everyone else will be too” but I see I am way, way too late.
Good luck, and have fun! (where by “fun” I mean “it’s going to feel really, really GREAT when you stop! on the far side of that finish line!”)