You know what’s more fun than trying to capture a halfway decent family photo? ANYTHING AT ALL, and I’m including blowing Jon Gosselin. After spending an hour last night wrestling with children, tripod, and an eventual raging migraine, here are a few top choices for this year’s holiday card:

xmasfail3
Well, aside from Riley’s gaping baboon mouth and the fact that we apparently spend every waking moment of the day beating Dylan with a Stick of Sorrow, this isn’t too . . . okay, it’s awful. NEXT.

xmasfail1
Whose idiot idea was this? A group thumbs up? AYYYYYYY. And why does Riley look like a Children of the Corn? While Dylan is all, I DON’T KNOW WHERE MY THUMB IS DURRRRR! Next.

xmasfail2
Oh look, we are having SO MUCH FUN! What a FUN AND ZANY FAMILY! We are on a ROLLER COASTER! A roller coaster of FUN! The children are particularly fun-filled, what with their confused, miserable tolerance and all! HA HA HA FUN! NEXT!

xmasfail4
What? Terrible, just terrible. Let’s blame JB for this. Next.

xmasfail5
Aaaaand we have dual crying. Please note my frozen grimace of FUN, while Riley struggles to escape my death grip (OF FUN), Dylan sobs inconsolably, and JB wonders out loud if I remembered to bring the cyanide death capsules to this little photo session. NEXT.

xmasfail6
You know what? SCREW IT. Ladies and gentlemen, Picker Von Nostril and Horsey McHORSE? HORSE? HORSE? Happy damn holidays.

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Mary
12 years ago

You know what? Family pictures at Christmas are highly overrated. For what it’s worth, I think your first couple are adorable, and perfectly Christmas card worthy.

My mother is still insisting on a group picture, and I am 48 years old. This year, there was one time the whole family was together, a big family picnic with cousins, and she disrupted the whole thing and basically ended it insisting on her picture. If you look at it, I am not smiling. My brother is gritting his teeth. His wife is glaring. Another sister in law looks like she’s holding an axe behind her back and is about to go after my mother. A couple of the grandchildren are crying, because they got dragged out of the water to come pose.

But she has her picture. And she’s happy. Until NEXT TIME. I hate Christmas cards.

barbara
barbara
12 years ago

I really love the first one. To get Dylan both focused on the camera and smiling, tho’, you probably needed to have a photographer who was a HORSE? HORSE!.

Melissa
Melissa
12 years ago

Hahaha! You should just send this out as your holiday greeting!

seadragon
12 years ago

These are hilarious and your comments on each picture had me laughing out loud. I agree with Melissa – you could send this (or something similar) as your holiday greeting. It is a very funny series of pictures. Maybe even better than a “perfect” picture of you all just sitting there smiling.

Playstead
12 years ago

Xmas cards are way overrated. I don’t want to see a family when they are all perfect and smiling — I want real life. One, two or three are perfect. If you can catch the kids destroying anything — even better.

Courtney
12 years ago

Look at Dylan’s pose in the 4th picture!? He’s all “what’s up camera” with his hand forearm on his knee!

Best family photo is our house? The four of us jumping into the lake in the summer. Our Christmas cards are always take in July at the lake.

Serenity Now
12 years ago

I love them all – because they are REAL! Seriously though, that first one totally qualifies. Getting kids to look at the camera is a total crapshoot.

Stacey
12 years ago

Coming from somebody who doesn’t have kids- if I got a Christmas card from a friend that was an assortment of these FAIL photos, I would love them forever. Way more fun than perfect photos of shiny happy kids!

Kristi
12 years ago

OMG you are seriously cracking me up right now! I can’t decide which is better – the photos or your commentary. :)

Jenn Perryman
Jenn Perryman
12 years ago

I’m kinda laughing so hard I’m crying. I like Stacey’s idea- maybe a compilation of FAIL photos is the way to go?

shriek house
12 years ago

I love every single one of them. Print them up as a series, they are priceless.

Erin
Erin
12 years ago

Please, please, please put all of them on a photo card and send it out. Your friends and random acquaintances deserve this insanely high level of awesomeness.

Bachelor Girl
12 years ago

Hell yeah. And the sentiment on the inside?

“HORSE? HORSE! HORSE.”

Michelle
Michelle
12 years ago

Totally laughing right now! I am going to dress the girls up tomorrow for our annual picture, and I am completely terrified. I have decided to put M&Ms in my pocket like a seal trainer.

Lesley
Lesley
12 years ago

Your hair, skin, and outfit are flawless. What else matters?

(Actually, the first three photos are great. Throw some holly around them and send.)

caleal
caleal
12 years ago

I think the first one works. It’s adorable. Riley is happy, and Dylan is… looking in the right direction. It’s everything you could want, really. I mean, the important part is you and JB look good- the kids are young enough to not have input yet. Cherish that.

Misty
Misty
12 years ago

I honestly really like number one…

Naomi
Naomi
12 years ago

I have a picture somewhere of “The Simpsons” posing for their photo (strangling each other) with the caption “Remember – as far as anyone knows we’re a nice normal family”. Methinks it might apply here… :P

Jenny
12 years ago

I’m awake at 1:57am with a sleepless child and this made me cry with hilarity. A goofy insane kind of uncontrolled giggle. Thank you

annie
annie
12 years ago

Its 230am… I’m laying awake next to a two year old that’s puking every 15 minutes. Thank you for that post… just thank you.

angelynn
12 years ago

*love* the thumbs up photo.

Judy
Judy
12 years ago

It’s Wednesday, I just got up, I’m not that thrilled over it only being mid-week – damn, how come that four day weekend went by so fast and the week after it is dragging? – and I sat here helplessly giggling over your comments on the photos. Thank you. Good way to start a Wednesday.

Swistle
12 years ago

Well, now that first picture looks AWESOME!

This year I’m sending out one decent photo and one montage of crappy ones to show what I was up against.

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
12 years ago

I am DYING over here, you are so funny.

I don’t bother with the family pictures anymore. For one thing my Husband does not like his picture taken at all, EVER. I only have 1 child, but I try to get the dogs in the pictures as well, and you know how that is.

Liz
Liz
12 years ago

My husband casually asked me if we were doing a Christmas Card this year right has I opened this post. I laughed till I cried, and then made him read it. He thinks we should skip the actual photo session and just steal your pics, being all “Hey man, we tried. Look at this other family who sucks at pictures, too”

twojams
twojams
12 years ago

Add me to the chorus of LOL’ers. The second-to-last is what ours usually look like. #1 is pretty damn good. I like the one with the doodle board, too, if just for Dylan’s toddler-model pose.

My kids are a bit older, and group pictures still aren’t easy. We went to a professional studio earlier this year (thanks to a gift certificate), and the guy had to go to some crazy lengths to get my kids to provide natural expressions. And frankly, there was some Photoshopping involved with the finished products (i.e., crop my head from this one and paste it on the identical pose so we all look good!)

Love the post, your family is beautiful. Happy holidays!

Michelle Whitehurst
Michelle Whitehurst
12 years ago

Holy Carp I almost pee’d my pants reading this one!! I SOOOOOO know what you mean. You are hysterical! Thanks for making me laugh!

Aunt Becky
12 years ago

Bring on the nose picking ones. Anyone who doesn’t laugh when they open it is dead inside. The last one I sent out, one of my kids was openly crying. Nothing like a slice ‘o’ life.

Or, as I like to call it, Free Birth Control.

Jeanette
Jeanette
12 years ago

I love the third one where Riley looks like he’s PRAISING THE LORD.ALLELUAH BROTHERS AND SISTERS!!

Michelle
12 years ago

Those are just too funny. I never realized how difficult it is to get a family picture until I really, really wanted one. I’m not sure we have one suitable photo at all with all three of us.

Love the nose-picker one. It says “keeping it real.”

Lauren
Lauren
12 years ago

This was the first thing on my blogroll this morning, and now I have to reapply my makeup here at work (TACKY) because I am crying with the laughing. THANKS. (Srsly, LIZZING. All over the place.)

Amity
Amity
12 years ago

I LOVE Dylan’s pose in the etch-a-sketch one. Awesome!

nonsoccermom
12 years ago

I’m laughing so hard my eyes are watering. And THAT is why my husband and I stay out of it, just getting a decent photo of the two kids is hard enough. It requires Xanax for sure. Holy hell.

Anne
Anne
12 years ago

I’m with Jeanette on the awesomeness Riley’s hand to Christ. CAN I GET A WITNESS???

Shelly
12 years ago

“Picker Von Nostril” had me laughing so hard one of my co-workers came into my office to see what I was laughing about. From a mother who has a Halloween picture of a princess picking her nose, I salute you!

Crys
Crys
12 years ago

I love it!! My boys are 11 and 7 and they are ‘trained’ monkeys when it comes to taking pics! It does get better…eventually they appease and just sit nice to get you out of their hair!! You have a wonderful Holiday!

Gretchen
Gretchen
12 years ago

One year I just sent out a collage of the bad ones. I recommend it.

erica
erica
12 years ago

I have to stop reading your posts at work… I’m crying I’m laughing so hard, and I work in an open concept office so of course everyone is doing the ‘prairie dog’ to see what’s so funny. Total riot.

Cobblestone
Cobblestone
12 years ago

I see a Shutterfly card with a collage of these and the message, “We want credit for trying. Happy Holidays!”

sharon
sharon
12 years ago

Well, at least your hair looks good.

Sincerely, Jenni
12 years ago

I think you should put all the pictures on one card. They are real-life, everyday snapshots of your family– I think they are awesome!

Andrea
Andrea
12 years ago

Send all those pictures, with captions! It’s much more engaging than a frozen picture of smiles and man, your comments are FUNNY.

Amy
Amy
12 years ago

I have to laugh. I have two boys one now 6 and one currently 5… I am waiting to see if he makes it to six… and a 15 yo step son. About three years ago I thought it would be cute if they all wore reindeer antlers for the Christmas card photo. The youngest was crying while the oldest was trying in vain to keep a smile on his face and hold his brother’s antlers on his head. The middle guy… he was watching TV, it is very obvious in the photo. I sent it out just like that saying seasons greeting and welcome to my world.

Janet
Janet
12 years ago

ONE WORD: PHOTOSHOP

Christina
12 years ago

Oh this had me in tears. At least your melt downs were private. We took our dog and pony show to the streets… which is ill advised.

We hit a local place that decks the halls nicely and tried to get a shot of the kids all cute and dressed up and what not. It was very early in the morning so we thought ‘great NO people’. Umm we did not bargain for the building workers and dude the looks from those people were priceless. A cross between being appalled that were allowed to procreate and have children and PURE hatred.

Weeee… next year I am just going to buy a box of damned cards from Target.

Maria
12 years ago

I’m in awe that you are even working on your holiday photos already. I usually look at my husband in an “oh shit we haven’t done that yet” manner about around Dec 20th. I love the first one! Even if Dylan isn’t smiling, he’s still full of cuteness. You have an adorable family!

Kelli
12 years ago

This is hilarious! I am cracking up here in front of my computer.

jen
jen
12 years ago

Dude I hired someone to take pictures (only because my family was whining that they didn’t have professional pictures of the kiddo so we did some of him and some of us all at the same time) and they still turned out…not great. They were decent but not, you know, hi we paid a lot of money for this, isn’t it awesome. I ended up choosing one with C having a similar expression to Riley in the first one. But whatever, it’s done right? I think the first one is good. The third one probably would have been the winner if the 2009 wasn’t covering up Riley…

Joanne
12 years ago

Those are so great and your verbage is killing me. I wish I had seen this before I did my own rotten, scary photo session this weekend!

Heather
12 years ago

Ahahaaa! I too like the idea of sending them all as a collage type card. Unless you come up with a better one before you print them. We attempted a family photo this weekend and well, I just made them all black and white and went with the blurry look is cool thing…all of them, ALL of them, were underexposed!! Damn, shit! Fuck! I give up. For now.

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