You know what’s more fun than trying to capture a halfway decent family photo? ANYTHING AT ALL, and I’m including blowing Jon Gosselin. After spending an hour last night wrestling with children, tripod, and an eventual raging migraine, here are a few top choices for this year’s holiday card:

xmasfail3
Well, aside from Riley’s gaping baboon mouth and the fact that we apparently spend every waking moment of the day beating Dylan with a Stick of Sorrow, this isn’t too . . . okay, it’s awful. NEXT.

xmasfail1
Whose idiot idea was this? A group thumbs up? AYYYYYYY. And why does Riley look like a Children of the Corn? While Dylan is all, I DON’T KNOW WHERE MY THUMB IS DURRRRR! Next.

xmasfail2
Oh look, we are having SO MUCH FUN! What a FUN AND ZANY FAMILY! We are on a ROLLER COASTER! A roller coaster of FUN! The children are particularly fun-filled, what with their confused, miserable tolerance and all! HA HA HA FUN! NEXT!

xmasfail4
What? Terrible, just terrible. Let’s blame JB for this. Next.

xmasfail5
Aaaaand we have dual crying. Please note my frozen grimace of FUN, while Riley struggles to escape my death grip (OF FUN), Dylan sobs inconsolably, and JB wonders out loud if I remembered to bring the cyanide death capsules to this little photo session. NEXT.

xmasfail6
You know what? SCREW IT. Ladies and gentlemen, Picker Von Nostril and Horsey McHORSE? HORSE? HORSE? Happy damn holidays.

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Erica
Erica
12 years ago

Literally laughing my ass off. Love this.

may
may
12 years ago

Oh man, these are great! I agree that the first picture is terrific, but the rest of them are hysterical. I don’t even know you and I was secretly hoping one of these would show up in my mailbox. Well done!

susie
12 years ago

Collage! Collage! I think you had better luck with your kiddos than my mom does every year with her grown ass children. We are so grumpy!

Ris
Ris
12 years ago

Compile all of these and send it out. If I got one I’d be laughing like crazy. THIS I would remember, not those boring ones where everyone is smiling and are dead behind the eyes.

Jen
Jen
12 years ago

I adore them all! I say make them into a big collage :D

Your descriptions made me laugh out loud.

Dana
Dana
12 years ago

All of latter pictures are making the first one look pretty damn good, huh?

warcrygirl
12 years ago

HA HA HA!!! I love you guys. BTW, I love that color paint in your living room.

Marie Green
12 years ago

We are much more critical on our OWN photos than other, aren’t we? We never seem to get one that passes my criteria, which is why those photo cards with multiple photos are AWESOME. It’s much easier to get *individual* great photos, isn’t it?

Will you share with us what you finally choose?

melospiza
12 years ago

You know what’s way awesomer than taking a family photo? READING ABOUT IT ON OTHER PEOPLE’S BLOGS. This is one of my favorite posts of the year.

KF
KF
12 years ago

Solution: Thomas van der wilt. Family Portrait. Photoshop your faces onto the classical oil painting for serene perfection every time.

I do that for my card with movie posters or oil paintings. Add some holiday clip art and you’re gold. I’ll send you a copy of mine when it’s done. Also: Wall color = gorgeous!

Jamie
12 years ago

Last year I sent out a card with three pics from a shoot I tried to do with the boys, they were all goofy, but everyone got a kick out of them.

lumpyheadsmom
12 years ago

I’ve started trying for group photos that are awful of everyone. Goofy of four of us, but one person looks great? DISQUALIFIED.

This philosophy is a little more rewarding, because every once in awhile you actually GET one without having to photoshop.

Alex
12 years ago

omg, this post had me in STITCHES.

sarah
sarah
12 years ago

That second one is like an outtake from a news team photo shoot. “Ok everyone! Last year we were jumping and the year before that we were pointing… this year: the thumbs up!”

Jinxi
12 years ago

Ha ha ha… that was so much fun! I was literally laughing out loud.

You are too cute!

Go with the last one and photoshop yourself in. =)

Allison
Allison
12 years ago

When I saw the third picture, I thought “armpits. Ew.”. That’s all I can think about now.

amber
amber
12 years ago

My friend is a professional photographer, and we always get great family portraits with our squirrely 3 and 2 year olds. How we achieve this? I grab one kid in my lap, my husband grabs the other, and we tickle them while, you know, smiling. It’s not ever looking at the camera and smiling perfectly, but everyone always looks happy and together. So maybe try tickling.

Also, I think the first picture is cute.

Lawyerish
12 years ago

I love this, and I fully support the idea of sending out a series of outtakes along with the official holiday photo. You guys are adorable regardless.

Erin
12 years ago

I actually like all of them. I think the pictures where everybody is posed just so and smiling like they’ve all just been given electro-shock therapy are kind of boring :)

Judy
Judy
12 years ago

I had to check back and read the comments after getting to work, and now am lost in giggles that are sizzling out of my nose while I try to be very professional and legal minded at work. This may be my second favorite post ever (first is the one of Dylan and the “hello ladies” personal ad type thing) and I think I have to bookmark it so I can come back and cackle some more another day. This is priceless.

Kami Lewis Levin
12 years ago

AWESOME POST! Thanks for making me laugh!

michelle
michelle
12 years ago

ditto! I feel exactly the same way!!

Jen W.
Jen W.
12 years ago

Um, is that a couch? And if so, where did you get it? Because it looks insanely comfortable. Oh yeah, happy holidays. :)

All Adither
12 years ago

Blowing Tiger Woods isn’t looking so good right now either.

Debbie
Debbie
12 years ago

Add me to Team Laughing My Ass Off. “Blowing Jon Gosselin” and “Stick of Sorrow” made Diet Coke come out my nose. That’s painful, btw.

I agree with those calling for a collage of the failures. Stick a post-it on it that says “We TRIED, goddammit. Merry frakking Christmas.”
I actually like the group thumbs up pose. Very cute, and shows the quirky sense of humor you and yours have.

babelbabe
12 years ago

dude, i’d go with the first one. no, actually, i admit, i’d go for the nosepicking one, but then i’m a dork and it would accurately represent my life with children. they’re adorable, and you’re delusional if you think they’re not. (I mean that lovingly, btw).

Sarah
Sarah
12 years ago

belly laughs! thank you!!

Mama Bee
12 years ago

Wow. Those might rival mine from last year…

http://www.momtobee.com/almost-wordless-weekend-3/

I don’t even own a tripod so imagine how jacked our family photos are!! ;)

joaaanna
joaaanna
12 years ago

I’m not even reading anyone else’s comments. You crack me up each and every time! LOVE to those ‘wacky’ kids of yours.

Jennifer
12 years ago

“…blowing Jon Gosselin.”

Aaaand my retinas just detached. Thanks for that.

What’s wrong with #1? I love it! Anytime the Stick of Sorrow makes its presence known is alright by me. Number one, all the way!

Amy
Amy
12 years ago

ohmygod…thank you! Fucking hysterical…I think I’m going to pee!!! Oh I am so glad we are not the only ones! By the way…where is the xanax??

kat
kat
12 years ago

SO funny. and you know what? the best ones are the funny ones. the perfectly posed ones? *yawn*

my favorite one is with the hands in air roller coaster. only because i love riley’s one hand in the air. it’s like he’s AMEN! praise jesus. merry christmas! holla!

love it.

Tia
Tia
12 years ago

These reminds me of our family pictures when my kids were that age. My son who was 3 decided that day he didn’t like having his picture taken. By the time we talked him into (ok, we totally bribed him) doing the picture the one year old had had enough. I seriously remember sitting there smiling and saying to my family I want a fucking family picture so suck it up. My husband was all like who does this with children at this age. The one that we went with had us all smiling but the baby. My vote is #1!

sarah
sarah
12 years ago

You need to aim low. As in your standards, not your camera angle. I took a picture of my crying pissed off baby with “MERRY FRICKIN’ CHRISTMAS. BAH HUMBUG.” on them and that was 4 years ago and people STILL get those cards out and talk about them.

LED电子显示屏
12 years ago

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人体艺术图片
12 years ago

博主写的真的很好,在这里给你留个言了,我的网站比较前卫,博主不要介意啊,以后多多关照。

Tracy
Tracy
12 years ago

I DO love the way Dylan is sitting in the “2009” photo…maybe you should cut that out and photoshop him into various photos b/c that is freakin’ adorable! :)

Niki
Niki
12 years ago

That was great! I’m still laughing!! “Picker von Nostril”…LOL. Resize them and send them all on one card! Priceless! I’m going to read it again…

beach
beach
12 years ago

Seriously girl….you crack me up!!! I am in miserable pms bitch mode, and I do believe your family photo session is the lone moment of laughter in my day. Thanks for that.

Btw Day 25….

Diane
Diane
12 years ago

You make me laugh so hard…the pictures aren’t nearly as funny as your running commentary. Merry Christmas!!

victoria
victoria
12 years ago

That was hilarious, thank you.

Lisa M
Lisa M
12 years ago

# 1 is the bomb, but I also like the idea of sending a compendium of the FAIL photos. :)

Annie
Annie
12 years ago

Use the one of JB in his boxers for all your lady friends. yummy, he looks great, you look great, yous guys look great together.

Rachel
Rachel
12 years ago

This cracked me up beyond belief!

robyn
12 years ago

Go with the first pic and call it a day. It’s cute!

Titanium
12 years ago

This post made the entire holiday season worth while.

Haven’t laughed like this in wayyyy to long.

Wannabemommy
12 years ago

AAAAWH! I don’t care what you say you’re family is frickin’ adorable!! (and your posts are super funny, too!)

I vote for pick #1.

Stephanie
Stephanie
12 years ago

Yeah, the one with JB in his chones wins my vote. And send one to me, k? Thx.

victoria
victoria
12 years ago

But what about Thanksgiving? How did it work out? (Also, I think your new hair is cute.)

6512 and growing
12 years ago

First one. I think you’re all gorgeous.