I’m not sure what it is I crave these days. Adventure? Spontaneity? Or muted creature comforts: a quiet room, an uninterrupted stretch of time to laze around in.

All of the above, maybe.

Every day is stacked with routines, one after another. Storybooks, snacks, shoelaces. Cooking, cleaning, commuting. I should be wearing this life like a broken-in pair of jeans, every frayed edge and accommodating curve a comfortable familiarity. I should be managing this on muscle memory alone.

It doesn’t seem to work that way, though. At odds with the day-in, day-out patterns is this sense of impermanence to everything. The ground is insecure, it’s untrustworthy. One minute everything is fantastic, the next my patience is nearly gone and I’m pacing in my brain like a zoo animal. I wish sometimes that my children would just be quiet and predictable for an hour at a time, but they aren’t, they can’t. They buzz from one distraction to the next, they laugh and scream and cry. They are all wild oscillations and unstable surfaces.

I do the laundry but it never gets done. I clean the floor but it never stays clean. I put on my running shoes but every block is an unknown, I can so easily switch from feeling strong and motivated to fighting every hateful, shitty step. I eat healthfully and happily, then switch to crap for an entire weekend, unable to stop. My sense of worth at my job can be undone with one email.

Everything in my day used to revolve around the contents of a bottle, and at least this isn’t true anymore. It’s hard, though, to take back control only to realize I don’t really have it, and maybe I never truly will. I am like everything else, constructed of delicate material that sometimes doesn’t hold up, defined by things that are in flux.

It is stupidly hard to do the things you set out to do.

So, there is this: trying the best you can. There is this: pushing yourself past of what you believe you are capable of. There is this: living in the moment you are in, and letting go of the things that have already happened. There is adventure when you can take it, a quiet room when you can find it.

Tomorrow will be like today but it will also be different and you won’t know how and maybe there is a wild and luscious beauty to that.

Comments

Subscribe
Notify of
guest
98 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Trenches of Mommyhood
11 years ago

“I do the laundry but it never gets done. I clean the floor but it never stays clean. I put on my running shoes but every block is an unknown, I can so easily switch from feeling strong and motivated to fighting every hateful, shitty step. I eat healthfully and happily, then switch to crap for an entire weekend, unable to stop..”

Please just know that you aren’t alone. You’ve written down my exact thoughts.

Christina
11 years ago

“…I should be wearing this life like a broken-in pair of jeans, every frayed edge and accommodating curve a comfortable familiarity. I should be managing this on muscle memory alone.”

I love this. This is exactly it. This is exactly why I’m doing this: http://kck.st/aCtHbL

Maria
11 years ago

It’s difficult to write something introspective without sounding like a wanker. And you always manage to sound intelligent and to write beautifully. Fuck yeah, lady.

Leah
11 years ago

I’ve never in my life been so compelled to print out a blog post.

Jenn
Jenn
11 years ago

This is what I needed to read today.

Ashley
11 years ago

I’m pretty sure every word of this blog has been quoted already, so I’ll just say this: beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

Amy Q
Amy Q
11 years ago

Love this.

Lindsey
11 years ago

Just … yes.
Thank you.

Anonymous
Anonymous
11 years ago

Thanks Sundry, this was uplifting.

Jen
Jen
11 years ago

Ditto to everything you just wrote. I was feeling soo much this way this week, along with too much yelling at my child for being a two-year-old BOY who does really random, annoying, disgustingly messy things…

So I booked two round-trip tickets to Costa Rica for my husband and myself. VACATION. Ahhh.

Julie
11 years ago

Except for the drinking (I have different vices) and the fact that I could never have said this well, I could’ve written this post. Sigh.

Kate
11 years ago

I think if there ever is a handbook for motherhood, this should be the preface.

jolie
11 years ago

This was an excellent piece, Linda, and I think we can al agree that this often defines us. You are not alone!

Jen
Jen
11 years ago

Oh. This is sublime. Your writing — your way of putting into words the universal truths of our lives as parents and humans, gives me goosebumps.

Robin
11 years ago

Your writing makes every part of it gorgeous.

el-e-e
11 years ago

I printed the last 2 paragraphs and am tacking them up.

trackback

[…] 2, 2010 · Leave a Comment A post by All & Sundry the other day made a little light go on in my head.  I miss spontaneity.  I used to be wild and […]

viagra online
7 years ago

I’ll gear this review to 2 types of people: current Zune owners who are considering an upgrade, and people trying to decide between a Zune and an iPod. (There are other players worth considering out there, like the Sony Walkman X, but I hope this gives you enough info to make an informed decision of the Zune vs players other than the iPod line as well.)

blitz brigade hack
7 years ago

Howdy! I know this is kind of off topic but I was wondering which blog platform are you
using for this site? I’m getting sick and tired
of WordPress because I’ve had problems with hackers and I’m looking at options for another platform.
I would be great if you could point me in the direction of
a good platform.

my web blog: blitz brigade hack

Pocket Mine Cheats
7 years ago

I’m extremely impressed along with your writing skills as smartly as with the layout
for your blog. Is this a paid topic or did you customize it your self?
Anyway keep up the nice quality writing, it’s uncommon to look a great weblog like this one these days..

Check out my webpage … Pocket Mine Cheats

Magdalena
7 years ago

Once you press the “Home” button, you will be prompted to use
the fingerprint sensor in order to view anything on your phone.
Additionally, the sensor is about 170 microns thin with 500 ppi resolution and used to unlock the
i – Phone 5S or make purchases. Beginning today Apple has begun accepting orders for unlocked GSM versions of the i – Phone 5S via the firm’s online
store.

Also visit my webpage Blitz Brigade Hack – Magdalena

hungry shark evolution cheats

I love it whenever people get together and share views.

Great blog, continue the good work!

Visit my web-site :: hungry shark evolution cheats

Buy instagram likes uk

Nice weblog right here! Also your website rather a lot up fast!
What web host are you using? Can I am getting your affiliate hyperlink to your host?

I wish my website loaded up as quickly as yours lol

cheats FüR candy Crush saga level 70

hey there and thank you for your info – I’ve definitely picked up anything new from
right here. I did however expertise several technical issues using this web site,
since I experienced to reload the site lots of times previous
to I could get it to load properly. I had been wondering if your
hosting is OK? Not that I’m complaining, but sluggish loading instances times will often affect your placement
in google and can damage your high-quality score if ads and marketing with Adwords.
Well I am adding this RSS to my e-mail and could look out for much more of
your respective interesting content. Ensure that you update this again soon.

Here is my blog post: cheats FüR candy Crush saga level 70

acufirstusa.com
7 years ago

Just wondered if you subscribe to any SEO
bloggers? I can never seem to get useful assistance on practical tasks
Added a link on my Facebook, hope you dont mind

buy viagra online from india

Yo, does anyone know about that new electrician on Chambers Street called New York Electrician, 94 Chambers St, New York, NY 10007 (646) 415-6723

earthcoin
7 years ago

Yo, has anyone heard about that electrician in Tribeca called New York Electrician, 94 Chambers St, New York, NY 10007 (646) 415-6723

trackback

Hello! I know…

What?s Going down…

cheap jerseys
7 years ago

Great blog! Do you have any tips for aspiring writers? I’m planning to start my own site soon but I’m a little lost on everything. Would you recommend starting with a free platform like WordPress or go for a paid option? There are so many options out there that I’m totally overwhelmed .. Any recommendations? Thanks!

ambien
7 years ago

I just decided that I want to blog haha. I dont know ANY blogging sites whatsoever so I dont know where to begin. When i Google “blogging sites” the google blog comes up and i dont know if thats the best one. I would love it if you guys had some suggestions! Thanks!.

trackback

Lori Smullen…

Admiring the commitment you put into your blog and detailed information you offer. It’s good to come across a blog every once in a while that isn’t the same outdated rehashed information. Excellent read! I’ve bookmarked your site and I’m adding you…

official nfl jerseys canada

When I originally commented I clicked the “Notify me when new comments are added” checkbox and now each time a comment is added I get three e-mails with the same comment. Is there any way you can remove me from that service? Cheers!

trackback
7 years ago

Vada Giorgianni…

Today, while I was at work, my cousin stole my apple ipad and tested to see if it can survive a 25 foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My apple ipad is now destroyed and she has 83 views. I know this is totally off topic but I had to sha…

kids phillies jerseys
7 years ago

Greetings I am so excited I found your weblog, I really found you by mistake, while I was researching on Digg for something else, Anyways I am here now and would just like to say many thanks for a fantastic post and a all round exciting blog (I also love the theme/design), I don韙 have time to go through it all at the minute but I have book-marked it and also added your RSS feeds, so when I have time I will be back to read much more, Please do keep up the fantastic job.

buy klonopin
7 years ago

Hydrocodone is a great pain relief medication im on them for my knee right now not something anyone needs to get addicted to though drug abuse is a? bad thing

online shopping soccer jerseys

This design is steller! You definitely know how to keep a reader amused. Between your wit and your videos, I was almost moved to start my own blog (well, almost…HaHa!) Wonderful job. I really enjoyed what you had to say, and more than that, how you presented it. Too cool!

elanvital
7 years ago

Hey! I simply want to give an enormous thumbs up for the good information you could have here on this post. I will be coming again to your blog for more soon.

general contractors
general contractors
7 years ago

Ahaa, its good conversation about this article at this place at this weblog, I have read all that, so now me also commenting here.|

vacuum
vacuum
6 years ago

Very good information. Lucky me I ran across your blog by accident (stumbleupon). I have book marked it for later!|

criminal attorney
6 years ago

There’s definately a great deal to find out about this topic. I really like all the points you’ve made.

home security systems
6 years ago

Hello, all the time i used to check blog posts here in the early hours in the dawn, as i enjoy to gain knowledge of more and more.|

reverse phone lookup
reverse phone lookup
6 years ago

Thanks for sharing your thoughts about %meta_keyword%. Regards|

transvaginal mesh law firm

Your style is unique compared to other people I’ve read stuff from. I appreciate you for posting when you’ve got the opportunity, Guess I will just book mark this web site.

vaginal mesh cases
6 years ago

I really like reading through a post that will make men and women think. Also, many thanks for permitting me to comment!

vaginal mesh attorney
6 years ago

I was able to find good advice from your articles.

vacation properties
6 years ago

You really make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this topic to be actually something which I think I would never understand. It seems too complicated and extremely broad for me. I am looking forward for your next post, I’ll try to get the hang of it!|

dish network channels
6 years ago

Hi there, You have done a fantastic job. I will definitely digg it and personally suggest to my friends. I’m sure they’ll be benefited from this site.|

miele vacuums
miele vacuums
6 years ago

Pretty! This was a really wonderful article. Thanks for supplying these details.|