Good luck! I know you can do it, and it will all be worth it.

I remember how awful I felt when my husband knew the names of the kids’ teachers at school and pre-school and I didn’t. And not long later, the horrifying realization that some of those teachers thought he was a single father!

I’ve been there. I understand. It sucks.

Good for you! My husband and I are fortunate enough to be able to stagger our work hours, so I pick up the kids and we’re home by 4:45pm. I love it. We’re eating dinner by 5:30/6pm at the latest and we’re all together. I hope it works out for you, but if it doesn’t, that’s ok too. You’re doing the best you can, regardless. Good luck!

Linda, have you ever considered having a later dinner? I don’t know what time you get home, but I’ve got an almost three year old and we sometimes will eat as late as 7:30. I’m a big fan of schedules, but I compromised to accommodate dinner together, since it’s so important to us. Her bedtime is supposedly 8, and dinner is supposedly 6:30, but instead, we often eat at 7:00 or 7:30. If it’s super late, we’ll stave off hunger with a snack and skip the post-dinner bath, so she’s in bed by 9. The parent at home just makes sure dinner is ready to go whenever the late arriving parent walks in the door. It works for us and we eat together almost every night.

I don’t talk about my job much on my blog because I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize it. Both my husband and I have been telecommuting for 4.5 years (different companies). We lived in Chicago but wanted to live in Cary (suburb of Raleigh) so we convinced our software companies to let us telecommute.

It is the BEST THING EVER for working parents. I see my kids from wakeup to 8:30 every day, then 5:05 until bedtime. If someone is sick, my husband and I juggle schedules so we can take care of the kid together. I will do just about anything to keep this job because of this benefit.

My husband’s company just got bought by IBM…. IBM’s policy is everyone should telecommute unless they HAVE to be in an office. And bam, my husband will be telecommuting full-time for the foreseeable future.

It is possible, through many different avenues, to have a life with no commute. The opportunities are out there, it’s just finding them that takes time.

It’s so lame that more people can’t work from home, what with it being 20TEN and all! I think the Federal Gov’t, being the biggest employer in the US, should start the ball rolling by allowing the employees of theirs that can to work from home. It would save on gas, make for happier families, etc. I feel for you – I couldn’t work and have kids, I can barely have kids without working!

There’s only one thing that irritates me about this forum and that’s the fact that as of yesterday, I didn’t see them asking any federal employees to the forum. This is probably the #1 battle inside my own federal agency. Technically we’re supposed to have up to 3 days off for telework during the week, but there are gross discrepancies in how the various federal agencies have handled the issue. Some have very progressive management, others not so much.

It’s an uphill battle at my job to get telework and I live in Los Angeles, also the land of hellish commutes. In my division, my co-worker and I are obligated to come in because we’re “single” (and cover every single holiday), but all the parents have had their telework requests approved. This is in spite of the fact that the federal regulations explicitly prohibit telework being used as a replacement for childcare. In other divisions, it’s just handed out on a cronyist basis.

There are a million other reasons I’m leaving the feds (their retention of young, single employees is abysmally low)-but at some point I just realised that the whole myth that government employees get better benefits really isn’t true. I could join any number of wellknown private sector companies and get better benefits, better pay and a significantly better career ladder track. My brother-in-law works from home 4 days a week and he’s a senior officer in his corporation.

Anyway, I sympathize.

It is hard. I don’t think a lot of people understand either. I was recently given an attendance requirement, much like yours, and it really just doesn’t work some days. I was specifically told “we can’t offer that kind of flexibility” when I stated I was working the hours, just that they were from home because my husband travels frequently and with my commute, I couldn’t get a solid 8 hours in.

We’ve made a few adjustments but the biggest thing is, I just decided it had to change. And I made it change. It unfortunately means we are selling our house at such a large loss, most people gasp when I tell them the dollar amount the check we write will be when we close. But it’s changing and it’s a financial sacrafice but one I finally decided had to be done. I’m so ridiculously happy about it too. You’ll get there.

Ditto, sister, D.I.T.T.O. I’m the breadwinner in my family, and the one with the hour long commute, and the one that is missing things. My kid is only 7 months old, but it’s only going to get worse. I don’t know what the solution is, but there has to be a better way.

This issue is so important to me too. I get more and more impassioned by this issue every time I think of it. I have so much to say and I don’t know how to start.

I hope you find a way to do it. I have the workplace flexibility to get home in time for dinner and bedtime (if not work a full day from home entirely), and on the very rare occasions I have to work late, I wonder how in God’s name mothers AND fathers manage to pass five days a week only seeing their kids for as long as it takes them to eat breakfast. It’s heartbreaking, and it’s not even my situation.

I just wish it wasn’t such an uphill battle.

I wish people didn’t have to pitch a fit to work from home or have a flexible schedule.

I once read something like previous generations were motivated by money, titles, time off, etc, but our generation values FLEXIBILITY far more than anything else an employer can offer.

And, for me, that is SO true. I’ll never leave this company; I can work from home whenever I want and work whatever hours I choose. It’s amazing and, unfortunately, very rare.

You have my sympathy. For 12 years I lived at the beach and worked downtown. I didn’t live at the beach because of being a surfer chick or because of my love for sunbathing or anything, I lived there because my kids lived there and I got to see them more often and more easily. But I had to leave home at 6:40 every morning, and didn’t get home until almost 7:00 every night. I didn’t mind the bus ride so much, since I did a lot of reading, sleeping and chatting, but I hated the 12 hours gone in order to work 8, and as I got older and tireder it seemed impossible, and finally a year ago I moved.

I’m 5 miles from work now instead of 25. But I have to leave at 7:10 and I’m not home until 6:15. ONLY 11 hours in order to work 8. To do that, I gave up proximity to grandchildren and friends, and that blissful 2 hours a day of simply sitting with book in hand, dozing to the rhythm of the wheels. I’m thinking of moving back.

Telecommuting would be wonderful, but I work in a law firm and it’s probably not possible. I am old enough to retire, but at the moment am drawing social security benefits and a rather decent salary, and it is hard to think of giving up that kind of income. So I just keep plugging, and wishing for the weekends. I hope you’re able to work out a fix. Maybe if that review at the end of 30 days doesn’t go well, you can find something closer to home? My son-in-law in Oregon refuses to live more than 5 miles from work. I think he’s got something.

You can do it. After the birth of my second child I decided to cut my hours. Thankfully my boss was understanding and now I leave at 3:30pm almost every day. I took a pay cut to do it, but it didn’t matter. For my sanity I had to do it.

Now almost two years later I’m at the same company but a different position. This fall they installed software on my system that allows me to login from home. As long as I keep my computer on at work I can login at home and have access to everything as if I’m sitting in my office.

Whatever your new path, don’t let anyone tell you telecommuting isn’t possible. There are enough new software developments and ideas floating around that many, many jobs could be done during different hours.

I wish you nothing but the best in this chapter of your life.

Your books are organized by color, this impresses me so much, but yet I don’t know WHYYY. It’s like someone showed me an inkblot and its ALL I SEE..

I wish YOU would hold a forum — maybe a webinar? — on how to get so much done in a day, especially when you have so little control over your time. You have a wildly unpredictable commute and two little kids who pick up their share of infectious diseases. Yet you manage to write, train for a marathon, hold down a full time job, provide your husband with attention and companionship, keep your house cleaner than mine has ever been, make dinners from scratch . . .

Do you just never waste a second? Do you have no need for down time?

Or maybe writing and running ARE your “down time” in the sense that you use these activities to relax?

I feel so passionately about this issue. It is so short sighted, small minded and plain ‘ol dumb for companies to refuse to be flexible on this issue. There are a hundred and one reasons why telecommuting works so well (for both the employee and the company) and yet there’s still stick-in-mud employers who hold on steadfastly to the old school doctrine that they must lay eyes on you for 8 hours a day in order to be productive.

I have worked from home for 8 years…since before I had kids. Losing so much valuable time to traffic is not worth it. If you were communiting on their time clock they wouldn’t allow it. Most companies – certainly “modern” ones get this. You should go work for someone not locked into a 1980s mentality on effective workforces.

You, of anyone, will get this situation resolved. *Cheering you on.*

Go, go, go! You’re an adult, you can (to some extent) control your life. Don’t like a situation? It’s up to you to change it.

After my daughter was born, I was awarded the luxurious privilege of teleworking 2 days per week. What a DIFFERENCE it made. (Before her, I had a daily 3-hr commute [total, not each way]). After my twins are born, I am hoping the Office Powers That Be will accept my proposal to telework 3 d/wk. We’ll see. Right now, I’m teleworking 4 d/wk because being in the office every other day with the whole twin pregnancy thang was killing me, and the Office PTB told me to quit coming in because they thought I was endangering the pregnancy.

PS. Do you really sort your books by the color of the jacket cover? I see a lot of people doing that, and all I can wonder is how can you find anything if you don’t remember the color of the cover?

Now that Eric is older (he will be 8 on Friday) I really feel that eating dinner together as a family is very important. Unfortunately our shitty little house is too small and we don’t even have a kitchen table. Eric has to now eat on a TV tray in the ( very small) kitchen because he is ALWAYS spilling things on the living room carpet. My Husband works nights too, so that doesn’t help either.

I feel your pain about the commuting. I drove an hour each way to work for 10 years (I lost my job in October). I took a contract job for 3 months and I was still driving an hour each way but twice the mileage of what I drove before. Now I am home and will be for awhile, it’s nice but totally foreign to me.

Riley getting stuck to a sofa cushion, so freakin funny!

commutes can be so very frustrating, especially in bad traffic and although i have had a rare few zen moments of calm in my car, i mostly am itching to be more productively somewhere else.

i like your attitude here. alot.

So, I’m mostly a lurker but really wanted to comment today. This is an awesome post and I appreciate you sharing! I have many of the same issues and concerns and have also recently decided to do something about it. When I figure out what works, I’ll share! :)

I love “his little weird end of the conversation.” And they are so INSISTENT about whatever weird thing it is they are saying, aren’t they?

I have the opposite — my husband has a long commute, and I work from home, so I do the whole pick up, drive home, feed, etc. My kids are 4 1/2 and 22 months. I completely realize that it’s easy for me to say this when I have the luxury to complain, but I really hate dinnertime right now. They are either clawing at my legs while I try to throw dinner together, or they are refusing to eat the food I just prepared, or throwing it on the wall. Of course we do get in a few words of conversation here and there, but when the kids are this young dinnertime is a feat of endurance, not a candlelit interlude. You know what time I love? After dinner, before bath. Everyone is relaxed, there are no expectations, and it’s the time I can finally stop doing things and just enjoy their company. So, until you do find a solution, maybe just focus on post-dinner togetherness? Fewer fights, less chance of getting ketchup in your hair.

Gosh I hope you do. And if you can, please tell me how!! I find the commute makes me bitter for all the time it takes from my family (which is just my husband and me now, but still).

You know what burns me? That most, if not all, women-with-young-kids representatives will be non-scientists. Flexibility with a freelance writing career? Is that even an issue? An actress who can bring her kids on the set for the 3 months out of the year she has to work? What?

It is so irritating to me, the pandering to the idea of “flexibility” when it really boils down to a small subset of the workforce who’s job has hardly ever been defined by 9 to 5.

i hope things in that department change for you in the near future, but remember, you lucky that at least one of you CAN be there for those things

I took the leap after my second daughter was born. It wasn’t 100%, but being able to grocery shop before 5 and make up for it after 10 changed my life. You have fought some hard battles to incredible effect. Despite not knowing you from (insert the correct end of this saying) I’d put money on you figuring this out.

My husband doesn’t understand why this is such a big deal, but oh does it get to me. My hours are smack dab in the middle of the day 10am until 7pm. I figured it out the other day, and I shouldn’t have, but I see my son for an hour and a half in the morning and at the most 2 1/2 hous at night and I work 5 days a week.
I know exactly what you’re saying and I too am working at changing this.

This is one of those things that no matter what, it doesn’t seem like there’s ever a right answer.

Some of us career moms do have the flexibility to telecommute. Some of us don’t. Some of us have husbands who are equal partners and parents. Some of us don’t.

I think it’s about making decisions every day – every moment – that we feel are the BEST for OUR own unique family situation.

It’s when it doesn’t feel right that you make the change. YOU make the change you feel is right for YOU and YOUR family.

I sure hope you get to be at that dinner table soon. :)

You can do whatever you want. You’re constantly an inspiration in so many aspects. I know you can do this.

And at the end of the day, I’d like to believe we all have a little superwoman in us.

I tuned into the live streaming just in time to hear Obama talk… so I missed what Dooce (and everyone else said).

Does anyone else think it’s possible that Dooce was chosen, not because of her experience on the topic per se, but because including her would make all of US- blogger moms/parents facing these issues- tune in? She’s like the non-celebrity celebrity of the deal… maybe?

I’m curious to know what was discussed… and I KNOW you find a way to make it home for dinner….

I must admit to bitterness about the workplace flexibility forum because I work for the federal government and even though I could do 95% of my job from home without any trouble at all, I am not allowed to telecommute, there is no opportunity for me to work part time, and am allowed to shift my work schedule by at most about 1/2 an hour and even that raises eyebrows. It’s incredibly stupid and frustrating. Still, I work this job because for my profession the hours are very good (in other words my work week is 40 hours instead of 60+) and the pay is reasonable. I had more or less made my peace with this until we had a second child 8 months ago and I see her for maybe an hour in the morning and on daycare days an hour at night and that’s it and it sucks and I’m not at peace anymore.

My husband has been able to go down to 3 days a week because his employer is flexible and because I am the primary bread winner and even though I’m so happy he’s there for our kids, I am also so jealous because I want to be the one who can do that.

There is no point to this comment other than to complain I guess, but I wish things were different and I feel you.

Shoot for eating dinner / doing something together one weeknight per week for now – the same day each week if possible. Then when you get that accomplished, see what you can do to make it two. It’s not an all-or-nothing thing; every meal counts.

Maybe JB could pack up the kids and a picnic, meet you at work, and you could all go somewhere together before the sunlight fades, once or twice a week.

Also, see if you can make more out of your mornings with the kids.

I would prioritize dinner/family time at home over dates with hubby, until you get your schedule to be more kid-friendly. Figure out what the two of you can do after the kids are in bed, rather than taking time away while they could be with you.

I struggle sometimes to have time with my kids, but I try to keep Wednesdays open. On Wednesday, the museums are open until 9pm, so I try to get off work a little early and make it a girls’ night out. And Saturday pm is another girls’ night out. I work at least 2 nights per week, and have a standard dinner out with friends & kids one night. So that leaves 2 nights to try to fit in a little time at the park, a little time cooking together, and/or a little screen time before baths and bed. It would really suck if it weren’t for those near-sacred Wednesday and Saturday evenings.

I’m home everyday for dinner, but I don’t have anyone else to pick them up and make dinner. Sometimes they’re the last kids at daycare. But every meal we eat, is at the table. Whether it’s something I slaved over or something we pick up on the way home. Friday nights are usually movie on the couch nights. Today I had an hour round trip just to drop off ADHD meds that we’d forgotten this morning, but they have testing this week and she needed it.

Besides the bills being paid, THE main reason I need to win the lottery is so I could spend more time with my kids. So I could pick them up from school, they could do their home work and then actually get to play outside! And so I wouldn’t freak about day care issues everytime they have a day off from school.

Good luck woman, just take advantage of every moment you can.

PS- I love you file your books by color! How’s that work out for you. Seen it in magazines and I LOVE it! Need some book shelves first though I guess! :)

Like Smileen, all I can notice in that picture is your books, sorted by color. I will no go back and actually READ this post (after gazing at the photo some more).

MRW, now I’m curious whether we’re working for the same federal agency and division!

Ugh. I’m only, like, five minutes pregnant with my first, but I’m already fretting about this. I have a 45-minute commute each way and one of those jobs where telecommuting is simply not possible. I also work one evening a week and get home at 8 at the earliest. My husband, fortunately, works from home but I am the primary breadwinner. We’ll see how it goes, I guess.

My husband and I roast marshmallows in the fireplace all the time and have often wondered what would happen if we were to do so w/ our little dude (who will be born sometime VERY soon!). So now I know . . . stuck to the sofa. We’ll probably still do it with him, just dress him up in a rain slicker first :)

My husband works 3rd shift and I was working 1st, we were meeting at the doorway at 5pm for him to hand kids off to me, and then my second shift at home would begin so he could go back to bed before going back into work…this was nuts. We were both stressed, we have no family around to help, our very reliable sitter got hired at the postal office. I had to make a change, I quit. Just like that, done. I worked on the budget, just by eliminating my fancy salon with head massages, parafin dips, stone rubs yeah you get the point, that was a huge savings right there. I always looked at it as if, I work I deserve this (and could afford it) but did I need it, NO! My kids and husband need me more, I have never looked back nor have I missed the money…we are fine, seriously! :)

I am very fortunate my employer allows me to telework 4 days a week. But this is because all of my work is done on the computer which means I can do it from anywhere. But the chief reason is a chronic health condition that requires me to exercise every couple of hours for a few minutes using Pilates props which can’t be carted to the workplace. Workplace also has ample evidence I am productive so they aren’t concerned on that front. If I didn’t have a health condition, they wouldn’t support it and this just seems so backwards to me.

Working at home saves money, time, and reduces the carbon footprint (workplace claims to care about), so what’s not to support? (With the exception of the lazyasses who would abuse the privilege. And these people are easily dealt with by saying no.)

Additionally, I get way more done. At the office, everyone mostly gabs and socializes. At home I have no distractions.

Dinner as a family is so important. Once the boys are in school and sports you will cherish your time together. Sunday nights are so great for us- it’s fun and light with laughter. I love it.

I grew up in Redmond and when my brother and I were Riley and Dylan’s ages my mom worked in downtown Seattle. She worked long hours and couldn’t do much to control her schedule, due to the nature of her work. And, um…I’m turning 30 this year so the traffic wasn’t NEARLY as bad as it is for you now. I remember so clearly when she took a job closer to home (Kirkland) and we could see her for dinner every night. It was wonderful.
I know now that she took a job that paid less and was less academically rewarding, but in the end it was what worked for our family. I truly appreciate the sacrifices she made. I know your boys will too, if you chose something similar.

Oh man, I hope you can find a solution. I would kill if D could be home in time for dinner…eating without him just plain sucks.

You are right on the money about family dinners. Family dinner is where your kids learn about you, and vice versa. They learn conversational skills, table manners, humor, and more!

Questions, quandaries, opinions, debates: you will touch on all of it, and that is what makes you… a strong family.

We also struggle with the inability to have family dinners during the week. I don’t see that changing any time soon.

Hey! I thought you hated Twilight, and yet I spy with my little eye…

Woman, there is a freelance writer inside you, dying to get out.

I work from home as a freelancer, and it’s the best thing I ever did. It’s not easy juggling kids and work, and the money flow isn’t predictable, but if you can live with all of that, it may be worth a try.

My favorite aspect of vacations — not the beach we visit or the sun or the fun or the boardwalk… it’s the meals at the table with the entire family. Three times a day.
There is nothing more gratifying – and luxurious – than family meals.
You can make dinner happen. Somehow. Some way. We all believe you’re superwoman. And we all are wishing the best for you.

I thought of you when I saw the plans for the new 520 bridge on the news this morning. I’ll look forward to hearing what you’re able to work out. You’re right on, time with the kids is the most important thing.

I’m dropping from 40-50 hours a week, down to a hard 32 hour after #2 is born next month. Well, after I go back from maternity leave. It has been come a sanity requirement. For us, it’s the small stuff (a reasonably clean kitchen, grocery shopping) that needs more attention. My kids need healthier food than I make with these current hours.

I already do drop off and pick up, just work a lot of evening hours to make up for it. My husband works huge hours. He has the ability to telecommute, and does it sometimes, but often, it’s just harder for him to get his work completed.

In France, the work hours tend to be more like 9-7 so the normal schedule for kids is a big snack after school at 4:30(its actually considered a meal), then playtime/homework, a bath and pyjamas, and then around 7:30 when parents are home from work, they all eat dinner together. I think its so weird for kids to eat in their pyjamas but this is what EVERYONE does. In fact, I get funny looks when I say that my girls eat at 6 and then take a bath afterwards. After dinner, its off to bed. Its something that you guys could try until you manage to switch your schedule.