I remember when we first looked at our house and I was blown away by all the trees and plants in the backyard. Mature landscaping I don’t have to add to, I thought happily. And an honest-to-god orchard! How charming!

It would be far more accurate to say “we have some fruit trees” than “we have an orchard,” but anyway, we have some fruit trees. We sadly lost a beautiful cherry tree last winter in an ice storm, but we have a few apple trees and one pear tree and a plum tree. So charming! Except no. As it it turns out, fruit trees are not charming at all, unless you actually enjoy having the fruit, which I don’t. Our fruit isn’t particularly tasty right off the trees and I haven’t been canning or juicing or whatever-ing with the produce, so basically what we have are several metric tons of rotting fruit all over our yard.

Which wouldn’t be that bad, except for the dog. The dog loves the fruit. The dog will eat an infinite amount of fallen apples. Like, there is no point at which she stops and says to herself, gosh, perhaps I have eaten enough apples for one day. No. She will just walk around gnawing apples forever, CHOMP SLOP CRONCH BLONCH SHLOCK MMMLP, until you drag her back inside.

And that’s how I found myself facing the world’s hugest pile of turds this weekend. It was the apples. The goddamned apples. She’d been eating them all week and we decided to take a family trip to Newport on Saturday and we walked out on a jetty to enjoy the view and she did the thing, you know, the dog thing where they start kind of walking around super fast and their butthole bulges outward and you’re like whew thank goodness I brought a bag and then she humped up in savacrapsanah, the Dog-Shitting Pose, and proceeded to pump out the most enormous amount of feces I have ever seen any creature produce ever. It just kept coming and coming and its GIRTH was unreal and my husband was like “Jesus” and I swear there was a note of pride in his voice and the kids were falling all over the place laughing and ten hours later when she was done I had to try and pick it up with my flimsy little shit-grabbing bag and there was so MUCH of it and I tried to stick it together like Play-Doh but it kept falling apart and there was a family walking towards us so I had to hurry and it was just absolutely indescribable and I could feel the apple pieces through the plastic.

TL;DR: I’m over having fruit trees.

moments before Turdzilla appeared

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Amy
Amy
7 years ago

Ok, this just really cracked up my scatalogical inner 6-year-old!

Laura
Laura
7 years ago

Remember when you used to hurl it over the fence into the neighbors yard? You’re gonna need a bigger shovel…and some muscle! :)

Jo
Jo
7 years ago

Be thankful she didn’t do it in the back if the car!

Mine did. As I pulled on the ferry. It was disgusting. She couldn’t help it – she had the runs (from sneak fruiting on walks).

Thankfully I have a husband who jumped right in there and fixed it.

I would have set the car on fire.

perl
perl
7 years ago

Oh my god – I had no idea that dogs did that! From now on I will be grateful that Mae only eats everything that is *inside* the house and leaves the fruit alone.

Our peach and pear trees are awesome – they give us about 5 fruits each that we bring into the kitchen and watch rot on the counter. The plum tree, on the other hand, is stuff of nightmares. The flowers are gorgeous and the fruit is delicious for a few days then everybody gets sick of it. That section of the yard turns into a yellowjacket-laden pruno-factory graveyard that the skunks love. Not even our 15 chickens can keep up with that mess.

Maybe the applesauce-crazed Craigslisters can help next time – people always be begging for free apples on there.

elembee123
elembee123
7 years ago

As someone who has several assorted fruit trees and used to have not one, but two 200+ lb English Mastiffs, I must say I feel your pain.
Loved my dogs to bits, but after they passed on I said no more dogs. Just too much scooping!
So what did I do? Went and got a couple (indoor) cats. The scooping – it never stops!
As for the excess fruit – (not to get all hippie-dippy on you), but I got a dehydrator. Preserves the fruit into great snacks with not a whole lot of effort. I just have to remember not to eat ALL of it at once or I end up doing savacrapsana myself! :D

Jen
Jen
7 years ago

I just read this out loud to my husband and laughed harder than I have in a long time. It was the note of pride in your husband’s voice that really got me. Holy crap (literally), that was funny.

Laura
Laura
7 years ago

And THAT is why I go clean up the deadfall from our pear tree three times a day!

– a fellow chocolate lab parent

Christie
Christie
7 years ago

We just bought a house with a beautiful yard…and apple trees and blueberries, blackberries, raspberries, strawberries and grapes. It sounded awesome until it was mine to manage. CONSTANT picking up fallen fruite becasue 2 of my dogs will eat ANYTHING. A week or so ago our youngest pup (2.5 y/o German Shep) laid the bigeest shit I have ever laid eyes on! Hubby and I were just staring open mouthed. Had I not actualloy seen he dog do it I would have thought a full grown man came and dumped in my yard!

Jessica V
Jessica V
7 years ago

I keep checking your page to see if there is something new, and then giggling to myself as I gleefully re-read this post. So damn funny.

And I hear you on the fruit trees. We used to have a beautiful apricot tree in our front yard, but the fruit would drop all over the sidewalk, leaving a smear of apricot jam (that would never come up and stained the hell out of the sidewalks. They also attracted every black fly in the county – we would see a cloud of them fly up whenever someone walked by. It was disgusting. We finally took the tree down because of it (we could never pick the fruit fast enough to avoid the situation). And our neighbors complained because they liked the fruit. Too bad suckers!

Kristin
Kristin
7 years ago

Like everybody else, this made me laugh so much! I was eating and had to stop so I wouldn’t choke. “and ten hours later when she was done…” Oh my, so funny.

Trissy
Trissy
7 years ago

I haven’t laughed out loud like that in a while. That was so good. Poor dog. Hilarious commentary about your hubs and the pride he must have felt when, well, you know. Reminds me of when I was a child and we had a HUGE mango tree, grapefruit trees, banana trees, tangerine trees, cumquat trees, etc. Apparently maturing fruit trees were a great selling point when we moved to Florida. We never ate the stuff, just the tangerines. We couldn’t get rid of it all. There were RATS, because it was waterfront property. Ridiculous!

Karen
Karen
7 years ago

Everyone has said it all re how funny you are, so descriptive!

There is stuff you can buy to put on the blossoms to stop them fruiting, some more natural than others. Some nurseries know about chemical thinning. Or bribe your kidlets to climb the trees at blossom time and pick off the bulk of them. That way you will minimize the fruit production. and of course prune the trees to make them more manageable. I hate getting overproduction that I simply can’t deal with, and am in processing of shaping our trees back to a manageable size.
hope that helps!

Kelly
Kelly
7 years ago

I’m crying and laughing while reading this story to my husband. He desperately wants a dog and I think I just bought myself a few more months of dog-free life.

Annie
Annie
7 years ago

I have died laughing. Omg! You are too funny.

Christina
7 years ago

Howling over this, made my husband listen to it and it made him laugh his rump off too. HA!

Lisa
Lisa
7 years ago

I couldn’t read this because my eyes teared up from laughing so hard…

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7 years ago

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7 years ago

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7 years ago

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