I remember when we first looked at our house and I was blown away by all the trees and plants in the backyard. Mature landscaping I don’t have to add to, I thought happily. And an honest-to-god orchard! How charming!

It would be far more accurate to say “we have some fruit trees” than “we have an orchard,” but anyway, we have some fruit trees. We sadly lost a beautiful cherry tree last winter in an ice storm, but we have a few apple trees and one pear tree and a plum tree. So charming! Except no. As it it turns out, fruit trees are not charming at all, unless you actually enjoy having the fruit, which I don’t. Our fruit isn’t particularly tasty right off the trees and I haven’t been canning or juicing or whatever-ing with the produce, so basically what we have are several metric tons of rotting fruit all over our yard.

Which wouldn’t be that bad, except for the dog. The dog loves the fruit. The dog will eat an infinite amount of fallen apples. Like, there is no point at which she stops and says to herself, gosh, perhaps I have eaten enough apples for one day. No. She will just walk around gnawing apples forever, CHOMP SLOP CRONCH BLONCH SHLOCK MMMLP, until you drag her back inside.

And that’s how I found myself facing the world’s hugest pile of turds this weekend. It was the apples. The goddamned apples. She’d been eating them all week and we decided to take a family trip to Newport on Saturday and we walked out on a jetty to enjoy the view and she did the thing, you know, the dog thing where they start kind of walking around super fast and their butthole bulges outward and you’re like whew thank goodness I brought a bag and then she humped up in savacrapsanah, the Dog-Shitting Pose, and proceeded to pump out the most enormous amount of feces I have ever seen any creature produce ever. It just kept coming and coming and its GIRTH was unreal and my husband was like “Jesus” and I swear there was a note of pride in his voice and the kids were falling all over the place laughing and ten hours later when she was done I had to try and pick it up with my flimsy little shit-grabbing bag and there was so MUCH of it and I tried to stick it together like Play-Doh but it kept falling apart and there was a family walking towards us so I had to hurry and it was just absolutely indescribable and I could feel the apple pieces through the plastic.

TL;DR: I’m over having fruit trees.

moments before Turdzilla appeared

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Carmen
7 years ago

Oh my god, how horrible. I’m shuddering with revulsion. The poop-picking-up requirement is the reason why I will never ever have a dog, no matter how cute and cuddly they are. I just cannot.

Masshole
Masshole
7 years ago

I am crying at work. Too funny.
This is some of your best work ever.

Shawna
Shawna
7 years ago

Okay, the dog poop thing is too horrible to contemplate, so may I digress and say how much older Dylan is looking these days? Riley tends to look much the same, just bigger and lankier, but Dylan seems to, I don’t know, transform into an older person somehow.

Maybe it’s the age, because I think he’s not far off my son’s age, and I was looking at pictures from last Christmas this weekend and cannot get over the change he’s undergone since then.

Jeanette
7 years ago

OMG! I think my lunch coffee just spurted out my nose! Hilarious!

cindy w
7 years ago

Oh god, cry-laughing. Thank you for reminding me why we only have a cat.

Barbara
Barbara
7 years ago

OMG, this is one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever read! I’m currently dog-less, but used to have golden retrievers and can totally relate. The play-doh part and JB’s pride are priceless. :)

Mary
Mary
7 years ago

Thanks for making me laugh! That story was amazing.

Maggie
7 years ago

So I also used to think that having fruit trees would be lovely. Then my best friend bought a house with a plum tree and an asian pear tree. At first it was delightful: look we have our own fruit! She canned it, they ate it, etc. Then it was too much fruit, they could not keep up. Rotting fruit everywhere. And then the rats and raccoons would come every GD night and eat it and stay. After several years they cut down the fruit trees and planted other trees because they were just a gigantic rat invitation. In short: no fruit trees for me thanks.

Auntie G
Auntie G
7 years ago

I feel your pain, deeply. I am a city-dweller who inherited a pear tree WHUT, and while I do enjoy the occasional pear, basically it has only brought us rats, rats, rats, squirrels, rats, bunnies, wasps, rats, kids who eat too many pears and shit their pants horrifically, rats, bees, bitchy passive-aggressive neighbors, gnats, and DID I MENTION THE RATS?!

Leslie
Leslie
7 years ago

Savacrapsanah, the dog shitting pose. OMG! Laughing so hard I have tears rolling down my face. Funniest post I’ve read in a long time….and those of us who love Labs can soooooooo relate!

Kris
Kris
7 years ago

OH MY GOD!!! Hands down, the best dog story ever!

Jess
Jess
7 years ago

This was awesome. I’m trying to stifle my laughter at my desk!

Lindsay
Lindsay
7 years ago

yep, you’ve just convinced me to stick to cats.

Gretchen in HB
Gretchen in HB
7 years ago

Hey, I think I just practiced Savacrapsanah in yoga last week! ;-)

Gigi
7 years ago

No, I’m not laughing (ok, I lied).

But yeah, that is probably the number one reason I will never have an animal. I dealt with enough waste when my son was an infant!

sooboo
7 years ago

OMG, that cracked me up. I am never going to say I wish I had more fruit trees ever again! Poor you! That dog must have the healthiest colon of all the dogs.

allison martin
allison martin
7 years ago

that right there is why I can’t bring myself to get a dog. bleeeeccchhhhh!

Charlene Lammers
Charlene Lammers
7 years ago

Your writing always get me. From your heartfelt post to things like this.

When I read this at work and about peed my pants laughing. You know old lady issue Tonight I read it to my ten year old son and we laughed our asses off.

Enjoy you Ruby and her snurffles

Alison
Alison
7 years ago

Dear god – I’m trying to silent laugh because the baby just mercifully went to sleep – but this was hilarious. I mean awful and gross and I feel for you, but god, so funny.

Kristin C
Kristin C
7 years ago

SAVACRAPSANAH?!?!?!!!! I am DYING.

Taryn
Taryn
7 years ago

Savacrapsana! Ha!
For some reason this talk of fiber is reminding me of you talking about the time you were trying to snack healthily and ate a ton of dried apricots. Ever since I’ve been afraid to eat more than a couple!!

Em
Em
7 years ago

That story is hilarious. I am sure it was not hilarious at the time, but oh my God. Tears.

Briana
Briana
7 years ago

And this post just solidified my argument against Getting A Dog EVER!!
I’m coming up on my sixth year so changing human poopy diapers and I’m not about to start cleaning up any dog poop!,

nonsoccermom
7 years ago

While I laughed at this for an inordinately long time, I think my favorite part is how you write the sound of Dog eating: CHOMP SLOP CRONCH BLONCH SHLOCK MMMLP.

There has never, in the history of the written word, been a more accurate way to capture that sound. I think this every single time you write about the dog, because I can hear my own dog making that very sound. Perfect.

Sharon
Sharon
7 years ago

SO funny! Normally a lurker but had to say you made my evening!

Stacy
Stacy
7 years ago

Hilarious. I think the only pet story that may top this is the one from many moons ago, before the boys, with Dog and Cat, that started “It happens every night”, telling the tale of the nightly episodes with those two. Probably one of the funniest things that I have read. Ever. This reminded me of that. Ah, the lab … total vacuums.

Sarah
Sarah
7 years ago

Oh man this made me cry. You are hysterical. And fruit trees do suck if they aren’t something you want to eat!

Alison C
Alison C
7 years ago

My dog is much smaller than yours but there are times when I wonder if she has been hoarding. This made me laugh so hard because I have been there.

sandy
sandy
7 years ago

I just spit my coffee all over my keyboard.LMAO!

Kristen
Kristen
7 years ago

HAHAHA! OMG. We have a 65-foot tall crab apple tree in our yard, plus some pear trees and a plum tree. And the dog eats, literally, everything she can get her stupid mouth on. Oh, and don’t forget the infinite swarms of fruit flies, the back-breaking labor of picking it all up (from the front yard at least), and the helpful strangers who walk by every summer and ask WHY I’m not DOING SOMETHING with all that fruit?? I want to throw a nasty little crab apple at their head and tell them to go make some fucking jelly if they’re so great. Because I’m mature.

Joanne
7 years ago

How do you like THEM apples, I keep thinking. This is a great story about a horrible, horrible event, ugh I’m sorry.

sarawr
sarawr
7 years ago

Oh my God, thank you for my core workout today! Who needs yoga when you can LAUGH UNTIL YOUR FACE FALLS OFF? On an only somewhat related note, you are the best onomatopoeia-er I have ever read. Every time you do it I cackle like a loon.

Kathleen
Kathleen
7 years ago

Next time my husband suggests planting fruit trees I will point to this post.

Amy K
Amy K
7 years ago

My in-laws have apple and plum trees in their yard, and watching their corgis enjoying the bounty of fruit every fall is priceless. They take a whole fruit in their mouth, then slam their jaws together so half-fermented juice explodes in every direction before they start crunching and slurping. They also pack on a bunch of weight and look like footstools by the end of the season. I never thought about how it might affect poo production, but it must be like consuming Super Colon Blow. (Do you watch It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia? We just saw an episode about comedians, and there was one named Landslide who specialized in diarrhea jokes. Your post reminded me of that.)

Jen
Jen
7 years ago

savacrapsanah, the Dog-Shitting Pose: Bahaha!

mona
7 years ago

My co-worker grew up in LA with a couple of avocado trees and that would be something that I would love but she said it was mostly awful because the avocados were watery and gross and they had so so much of it.

Sonja
7 years ago

We have a huge, lovely apple tree in my front yard that I love love love. Except I would desperately love to be able to give it some sort of NON-FRUITING treatment. Ugh. So much bees every year!

H
H
7 years ago

This is so damn funny! I’m crying-laughing or laughing-crying, or both. We had a beagle once who got into my mom’s cat food, ate until she was swollen like a big fat wood tick and then this happened to her. I thought it would never ever end!

Melissa A.
Melissa A.
7 years ago

My Lord woman, why were you picking it up?! Make your husband deal with the crap.

Beej
Beej
7 years ago

My beagle comes back with a pear every time he goes outside. Settles himself down on his bed and has his snack. Though I have to say the deer make out like bandits in my yard.

Krystal
Krystal
7 years ago

Oh my word! I am actually laughing out loud and had to forward it to my sisters!! This is killing me!! :)

Telegirl
Telegirl
7 years ago

Oh, man! We were in Newport a couple weekends ago but are typically just behind you (Aquarium and Brewery). I get the dog poop on the beach thing but the nice thing is that it is much easier to pick up than runny poop in grass. I will let you enjoy that visual…

Telegirl
Telegirl
7 years ago

PS) Did you ever get the camp trailer? Highly recommend that and Beverly Beach.

Tatyana @ theboltonskydiaries

Hahahahha, I’m sorry, but that’s too funny. I’m glad you have a blog so that at least someone can benefit from some of these experiences. lol.

My suggestion- live in a neighborhood where the bratty little neighbor children steal your fruit, and then you won’t have this problem, like me. Wait, that’s not a helpful suggestion you say? Hmmmm….I have nothing.

This is the reason, ps, that my husband told me he would never get a large dog- the poop. He almost vomits anytime he gets near it as it is, and we have a 30lb dog.

Judy
Judy
7 years ago

Oh, how I needed that belly laugh this morning! Thank you!

Megan
Megan
7 years ago

Laugh-crying here too. Thank you!

Jenny
Jenny
7 years ago

I’m with everyone else – laughing so hard it sounded like I was sobbing. You are such a GREAT writer. Thanks for making my day Linda!

KB
KB
7 years ago

I haven’t chimed in for a while but I just wanted to say, Linda, how much I enjoy your blog, how well you write, your observations on life, and your sense of humor. It’s also wonderful to watch your boys grow and learn about the antics of your beloved pets. Keep up the great blog!

Hanna
Hanna
7 years ago

Loved this.

An aside, Portland has an organization – The Portland Fruit Tree Project – that will send an army of volunteers to your yard to pick the fruit before it falls and haul it away to feed the needy. http://www.portlandfruit.org/ Perhaps there’s something like that in Eugene?

Lolo
Lolo
7 years ago

Oh My Lord! So funny! I’m snorting over here so I don’t wake the husband!

xo

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