Sep
8
I remember when we first looked at our house and I was blown away by all the trees and plants in the backyard. Mature landscaping I don’t have to add to, I thought happily. And an honest-to-god orchard! How charming!
It would be far more accurate to say “we have some fruit trees” than “we have an orchard,” but anyway, we have some fruit trees. We sadly lost a beautiful cherry tree last winter in an ice storm, but we have a few apple trees and one pear tree and a plum tree. So charming! Except no. As it it turns out, fruit trees are not charming at all, unless you actually enjoy having the fruit, which I don’t. Our fruit isn’t particularly tasty right off the trees and I haven’t been canning or juicing or whatever-ing with the produce, so basically what we have are several metric tons of rotting fruit all over our yard.
Which wouldn’t be that bad, except for the dog. The dog loves the fruit. The dog will eat an infinite amount of fallen apples. Like, there is no point at which she stops and says to herself, gosh, perhaps I have eaten enough apples for one day. No. She will just walk around gnawing apples forever, CHOMP SLOP CRONCH BLONCH SHLOCK MMMLP, until you drag her back inside.
And that’s how I found myself facing the world’s hugest pile of turds this weekend. It was the apples. The goddamned apples. She’d been eating them all week and we decided to take a family trip to Newport on Saturday and we walked out on a jetty to enjoy the view and she did the thing, you know, the dog thing where they start kind of walking around super fast and their butthole bulges outward and you’re like whew thank goodness I brought a bag and then she humped up in savacrapsanah, the Dog-Shitting Pose, and proceeded to pump out the most enormous amount of feces I have ever seen any creature produce ever. It just kept coming and coming and its GIRTH was unreal and my husband was like “Jesus” and I swear there was a note of pride in his voice and the kids were falling all over the place laughing and ten hours later when she was done I had to try and pick it up with my flimsy little shit-grabbing bag and there was so MUCH of it and I tried to stick it together like Play-Doh but it kept falling apart and there was a family walking towards us so I had to hurry and it was just absolutely indescribable and I could feel the apple pieces through the plastic.
TL;DR: I’m over having fruit trees.
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Oh my god, how horrible. I’m shuddering with revulsion. The poop-picking-up requirement is the reason why I will never ever have a dog, no matter how cute and cuddly they are. I just cannot.
I am crying at work. Too funny.
This is some of your best work ever.
Okay, the dog poop thing is too horrible to contemplate, so may I digress and say how much older Dylan is looking these days? Riley tends to look much the same, just bigger and lankier, but Dylan seems to, I don’t know, transform into an older person somehow.
Maybe it’s the age, because I think he’s not far off my son’s age, and I was looking at pictures from last Christmas this weekend and cannot get over the change he’s undergone since then.
OMG! I think my lunch coffee just spurted out my nose! Hilarious!
Oh god, cry-laughing. Thank you for reminding me why we only have a cat.
OMG, this is one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever read! I’m currently dog-less, but used to have golden retrievers and can totally relate. The play-doh part and JB’s pride are priceless. :)
Thanks for making me laugh! That story was amazing.
So I also used to think that having fruit trees would be lovely. Then my best friend bought a house with a plum tree and an asian pear tree. At first it was delightful: look we have our own fruit! She canned it, they ate it, etc. Then it was too much fruit, they could not keep up. Rotting fruit everywhere. And then the rats and raccoons would come every GD night and eat it and stay. After several years they cut down the fruit trees and planted other trees because they were just a gigantic rat invitation. In short: no fruit trees for me thanks.
I feel your pain, deeply. I am a city-dweller who inherited a pear tree WHUT, and while I do enjoy the occasional pear, basically it has only brought us rats, rats, rats, squirrels, rats, bunnies, wasps, rats, kids who eat too many pears and shit their pants horrifically, rats, bees, bitchy passive-aggressive neighbors, gnats, and DID I MENTION THE RATS?!
Savacrapsanah, the dog shitting pose. OMG! Laughing so hard I have tears rolling down my face. Funniest post I’ve read in a long time….and those of us who love Labs can soooooooo relate!
OH MY GOD!!! Hands down, the best dog story ever!
This was awesome. I’m trying to stifle my laughter at my desk!
yep, you’ve just convinced me to stick to cats.
Hey, I think I just practiced Savacrapsanah in yoga last week! ;-)
No, I’m not laughing (ok, I lied).
But yeah, that is probably the number one reason I will never have an animal. I dealt with enough waste when my son was an infant!
OMG, that cracked me up. I am never going to say I wish I had more fruit trees ever again! Poor you! That dog must have the healthiest colon of all the dogs.
that right there is why I can’t bring myself to get a dog. bleeeeccchhhhh!
Your writing always get me. From your heartfelt post to things like this.
When I read this at work and about peed my pants laughing. You know old lady issue Tonight I read it to my ten year old son and we laughed our asses off.
Enjoy you Ruby and her snurffles
Dear god – I’m trying to silent laugh because the baby just mercifully went to sleep – but this was hilarious. I mean awful and gross and I feel for you, but god, so funny.
SAVACRAPSANAH?!?!?!!!! I am DYING.
Savacrapsana! Ha!
For some reason this talk of fiber is reminding me of you talking about the time you were trying to snack healthily and ate a ton of dried apricots. Ever since I’ve been afraid to eat more than a couple!!
That story is hilarious. I am sure it was not hilarious at the time, but oh my God. Tears.
And this post just solidified my argument against Getting A Dog EVER!!
I’m coming up on my sixth year so changing human poopy diapers and I’m not about to start cleaning up any dog poop!,
While I laughed at this for an inordinately long time, I think my favorite part is how you write the sound of Dog eating: CHOMP SLOP CRONCH BLONCH SHLOCK MMMLP.
There has never, in the history of the written word, been a more accurate way to capture that sound. I think this every single time you write about the dog, because I can hear my own dog making that very sound. Perfect.
SO funny! Normally a lurker but had to say you made my evening!
Hilarious. I think the only pet story that may top this is the one from many moons ago, before the boys, with Dog and Cat, that started “It happens every night”, telling the tale of the nightly episodes with those two. Probably one of the funniest things that I have read. Ever. This reminded me of that. Ah, the lab … total vacuums.
Oh man this made me cry. You are hysterical. And fruit trees do suck if they aren’t something you want to eat!
My dog is much smaller than yours but there are times when I wonder if she has been hoarding. This made me laugh so hard because I have been there.
I just spit my coffee all over my keyboard.LMAO!
HAHAHA! OMG. We have a 65-foot tall crab apple tree in our yard, plus some pear trees and a plum tree. And the dog eats, literally, everything she can get her stupid mouth on. Oh, and don’t forget the infinite swarms of fruit flies, the back-breaking labor of picking it all up (from the front yard at least), and the helpful strangers who walk by every summer and ask WHY I’m not DOING SOMETHING with all that fruit?? I want to throw a nasty little crab apple at their head and tell them to go make some fucking jelly if they’re so great. Because I’m mature.
How do you like THEM apples, I keep thinking. This is a great story about a horrible, horrible event, ugh I’m sorry.
Oh my God, thank you for my core workout today! Who needs yoga when you can LAUGH UNTIL YOUR FACE FALLS OFF? On an only somewhat related note, you are the best onomatopoeia-er I have ever read. Every time you do it I cackle like a loon.
Next time my husband suggests planting fruit trees I will point to this post.
My in-laws have apple and plum trees in their yard, and watching their corgis enjoying the bounty of fruit every fall is priceless. They take a whole fruit in their mouth, then slam their jaws together so half-fermented juice explodes in every direction before they start crunching and slurping. They also pack on a bunch of weight and look like footstools by the end of the season. I never thought about how it might affect poo production, but it must be like consuming Super Colon Blow. (Do you watch It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia? We just saw an episode about comedians, and there was one named Landslide who specialized in diarrhea jokes. Your post reminded me of that.)
savacrapsanah, the Dog-Shitting Pose: Bahaha!
My co-worker grew up in LA with a couple of avocado trees and that would be something that I would love but she said it was mostly awful because the avocados were watery and gross and they had so so much of it.
We have a huge, lovely apple tree in my front yard that I love love love. Except I would desperately love to be able to give it some sort of NON-FRUITING treatment. Ugh. So much bees every year!
This is so damn funny! I’m crying-laughing or laughing-crying, or both. We had a beagle once who got into my mom’s cat food, ate until she was swollen like a big fat wood tick and then this happened to her. I thought it would never ever end!
My Lord woman, why were you picking it up?! Make your husband deal with the crap.
My beagle comes back with a pear every time he goes outside. Settles himself down on his bed and has his snack. Though I have to say the deer make out like bandits in my yard.
Oh my word! I am actually laughing out loud and had to forward it to my sisters!! This is killing me!! :)
Oh, man! We were in Newport a couple weekends ago but are typically just behind you (Aquarium and Brewery). I get the dog poop on the beach thing but the nice thing is that it is much easier to pick up than runny poop in grass. I will let you enjoy that visual…
PS) Did you ever get the camp trailer? Highly recommend that and Beverly Beach.
Hahahahha, I’m sorry, but that’s too funny. I’m glad you have a blog so that at least someone can benefit from some of these experiences. lol.
My suggestion- live in a neighborhood where the bratty little neighbor children steal your fruit, and then you won’t have this problem, like me. Wait, that’s not a helpful suggestion you say? Hmmmm….I have nothing.
This is the reason, ps, that my husband told me he would never get a large dog- the poop. He almost vomits anytime he gets near it as it is, and we have a 30lb dog.
Oh, how I needed that belly laugh this morning! Thank you!
Laugh-crying here too. Thank you!
I’m with everyone else – laughing so hard it sounded like I was sobbing. You are such a GREAT writer. Thanks for making my day Linda!
I haven’t chimed in for a while but I just wanted to say, Linda, how much I enjoy your blog, how well you write, your observations on life, and your sense of humor. It’s also wonderful to watch your boys grow and learn about the antics of your beloved pets. Keep up the great blog!
Loved this.
An aside, Portland has an organization – The Portland Fruit Tree Project – that will send an army of volunteers to your yard to pick the fruit before it falls and haul it away to feed the needy. http://www.portlandfruit.org/ Perhaps there’s something like that in Eugene?
Oh My Lord! So funny! I’m snorting over here so I don’t wake the husband!
xo