Nov
16
Here you are, 36-almost-37, everything bulging and crinkling at the corners and collapsing into folds. Jesus, you’re as exciting and mysterious as a carefully-packaged kitchen sponge. Once you were red in tooth and claw, made of reckless heat and fluids. Now you move slowly, no rhythm, no swing. Like someone avoiding a sandworm. You speak in ridiculous staccato bursts. Okay I—. Hey watch where you’re. Can you— GUYS. HEY.
You wear sensible shoes and you have a financial advisor and you happily google for the best methods of removing streaks from windows.
It is what it is and it’s all pretty goddamned good, you wouldn’t trade it for the etcetera. But come on. Don’t you miss it, some days? Don’t you miss being young and fucked-up? On fire, all the time. Up and down. Your heart going ba-bum ba-bum over the stupidest shit.
Nov
12
Dylan often asks for one of us to draw him a horse on the Magna-Doodle, and over time the horse drawing requirements have become more and more complex. At first it was acceptable to simply have a basic horse-like figure, then there was the need for a saddle and bridle. Eventually a cowboy became necessary, and then somewhere along the line my asshat husband started drawing a wholly unnecessary piece of genitalia to, ahem, flesh out the picture.
Pretty soon our sweet dimple-cheeked two-year-old was begging—and I know, in the context of this writing, that the word begging sounds horribly wrong, yet it remains an accurate representation of his passion behind his demands—for a horse penis with each drawing.
“Can I have a saddle?” he says, adorably. Then: “Can I have a penis?”
So the other day he’s asking for a horse and JB’s dutifully scribbling away and Dylan clarifies that he wants ALL of the horse parts if you know what he means and I think you do and out of nowhere Riley chimes in that actually, he doesn’t WANT the horse to have a penis.
After a (fantastic, should-have-been-recorded) conversation about the whole thing, eventually Riley decided he needed to give his father a ticket. Because that’s how people sometimes get an official smackdown on their actions, you know?
And that’s how my husband received the world’s most potentially upsetting note from a 5-year-old. Happily, JB paid his fine of one quarter and all has been okay since.
-
My product review site:
[