Dec
17
I think will always associate bupropion with the fourth of July and working at the rodeo last summer, because that’s the week I bumped up my dose per instructions from 1 to 2 pills, 300 mg. I remember thinking, I hope this helps me talk to people, because I am about to talk to a LOT of people.
Months prior I had volunteered to help in the “cowboy shack,” a little trailer that hands out food to the riders and their families, and at the time it felt a good comfortable ways off and I did not think too much about the work itself. As the date approached I got pretty nervous about it and actually thought about cancelling before I peptalked my way into sticking to my commitments and also decided to be hopeful that the generic Wellbutrin I’d started taking would make a difference.
I really think it did. Or I have convinced myself that bupropion helps with anxiety and it is an ongoing placebo effect, and if so that’s just fine with me.
I’ve had Wellbutrin prescribed to me a couple different times in my life and I had come to think of it as an SSRI that was not compatible with my many anxieties, although truth be told I don’t think I’ve ever taken it for long enough to make a true assessment. I thought of it as something that made me jittery, irritated, and messed with my sleep. And maybe it did! Maybe my brain/body chemistry has changed and become more compatible with this medication. I don’t know. What I can say is that at the start of the summer I decided to give it another try, this time getting it through an online service, and I started noticing a positive difference right away.
I remember having a surprising amount of energy during those days in the rodeo booth, I was juiced up by all the happy interactions (the riders were so sweet and polite and grateful for food, my gosh, and I got called ma’am so many times but in the most flattering kind of way?) and when I came home I could not get to sleep for hours. I wasn’t drained by talking with humans, whaaaaaaat? I could handle being perceived by many people and I could look them all in the eye, whaaaaaaaaaat is happppeeeeennnning.
This is the first time I can truly feel a good difference from an SSRI, and I’ve tried a handful. I believe bupropion has boosted my energy, not in a speedy kind of way (well…actually yes sort of??) but more in the sense that things do not seem overwhelming or that I am stuck in some sort of dark sticky mud — like I can just tackle a thing without spiralling endlessly ahead of time. I believe it has helped me enjoy talking with people instead of being terrified of doing so. It does not impact my libido as other meds have. I have not kicked my procrastination habit altogether, but I feel more capable of lining up the steps needed to get things done. I still have anxious thoughts but I don’t feel crippled by them, I don’t agonize for days over every interaction or decision. It did not make me gain or lose weight, it does seem to affect my appetite in the morning but I’m plenty hongry as usual later in the day. My memory is still garbage but I do feel like my … what, executive functioning process?? has improved.
I give it huge credit, along with my wonderful mom and yes, ChatGPT, for getting me through the most unpleasant and scary data-intensive nuts and bolts of the divorce process.
As for downsides, I suspect the same sense of activation I get from it can dial me towards impulsivity, particularly when I am angry. Sometimes I get an overwhelming feeling of I have to deal with this right now!!! that does not serve me well. I am not one hundred percent certain it is bupropion’s fault that I can find myself acting directly from the amygdala/fight-or-flight part of my brain, but I do think there’s a connection. This kind of feeling is detectable by its sense of immediacy along with all the signs of cortisol in action: heart is racing, jaw is clenched, I feel physically poised to take care of business and so that text MUST be sent right now or else!!!
So that’s something I am working on. A friend and I have created our own little book club around Mel Robbins’ “Let Them Theory” which I am grateful for because we have ongoing discussions that help me keep it fresh in my mind. It’s not that I don’t think I should get angry — ho ho, there are so very many things to be angry about! — but rather that it behooves me to take a breath and get out of lizard brain mode before taking action.
All in all I do believe this med has been a huge success for me at this particular stage of my life and I’ve now been taking it long enough to say so. I wish I could recommend it, but of course we all have such different reactions to different SSRIS. I wish it wasn’t so hard to trial different things, but it is good that we have telehealth options instead of relying on our beshitted healthcare system. At least until the brain worm guy takes that away from us too.
(Incidentally, I used an online service to try out the estrogen patch last year, and ultimately determined it did not make a noticeable difference at the time except for giving me a headache and also boosting all of my facial melasma.)
I get my meds from Hers dot com, they seem fine. There’s a relatively painless process of getting an assessment to acquire the prescription, and you have ongoing messaging contact with their medical providers.
Anyway, that is my SSRI story. I’m so happy to have found something that helps and I can’t imagine being ashamed of saying so. Anxiety has been behind the wheel for me my whole life and I would not say I am a whole new person — but I do feel like I have new capabilities, and that I’m more in line with who I have always wanted to be.
Dec
15
I posted something here that I came to regret. I know there is a way to share my truth while following the north star of this post-divorce life: stick to my side of the street, and I failed that. I’m an emotional human working this out in real time, and I biffed it. And I can’t have commentary that takes sides, if you can understand that. It’s not fair. I like having comments, I always have, but writing like this comes with responsibility and I need to guide us towards the right kind of convo. I’m writing my way through a real crazy time and the internet isn’t a diary I keep under my bed, it’s out here in the open and it’s up to me to hold the right boundaries, which is rough because have you met me, I have always been kind of a big blurry mess in that department, but I can do better and I will.
Here is almost all of what I shared, which is everything I meant to say.
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I feel so settled in my house now. I feel so settled in my new LIFE now. A few weeks ago out at the barn I adjusted my stirrups so they are one notch shorter and I could not believe what a difference that made riding, like I was finally in the perfect alignment and felt so deep and confident on Little Joe’s back. I don’t know why that took me two whole years to figure out, but it’s so good now. I thought I was comfortable, but I wasn’t. I thought I was steady, but it’s so much better now.
I drink better coffee. I sleep better. I go on better walks. I have a better social life. I feel better about myself. I feel better about how I move through the world.
I will always remember and honor the good times because there were plenty, but I see now how I was living. How I did not realize just how much better my life could be. I was so afraid to leave the comfort I had, I didn’t know it was like riding wrong in the saddle. You think it’s fine until you feel something better, and then that just blows your whole world wide open.
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