My Netflix queue has been in a crap-ass state lately. For instance:

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. Your husband may think this movie will involve lots of gunfights and horses and Brad Pitt looking all steely-eyed and he would be partially right, but he would also be wrong in a number of critical ways, and after the movie finally draws to an end and the last strains of its eerie, repetitive soundtrack echo in your brain you will realize that you have spent your entire evening watching about a thousand weird, uncomfortable scenes that each lasted approximately five minutes too long and now you are never going to get those three hours back. As JB said to me about halfway through the movie when we realized it wasn’t going to start sucking any less, “This is a hell of a way to spend a Saturday night, darlin’. My bad.”

The Brave One. I was feeling mostly lukewarm about this one until the very end, when the plot served forth a scene that made me issue forth a series of loud mouth-farts at the television in complete and total disgust because GOD I AM SOOOO SHURRRR.

Matchstick Men. I love a good con, you know? I love a story that has someone fucking one person over, only to discover they’ve had someone’s else’s dick in their own ass the whole time, if you’ll pardon that extremely dirty expression which I just now made up. That is why Elmore Leonard books are so awesome, because they are teeming with people fucking each other over in spectacularly cool ways involving the best dialogue ever written. Anyway, there are con stories where it’s all kind of over the top but still believable or at least swallowable, and then there is something like Matchstick Men, where once the Big Huge Con reveals itself you’re left thinking, WHATEVER. Although I guess I’m glad I saw it for the one magical scene where Nicolas Cage is melting down in a drugstore and screams in vintage Cage style at a customer standing in line: “Have you ever been dragged out to the sidewalk and beaten until you PISSED! BLOOD!?”

Have you rented anything good lately? Please share, I need to put an end to our losing streak.

:::

Introducing my son, Gigantor the Sorrowful:

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JB was trying to get a picture of Riley playing with his new favorite toy, a plastic farmhouse thing, but apparently things didn’t go well during the photo session. Poor kid. Sometimes life is just a shit sandwich, isn’t it, boy?

Also, I have added to my collection of Children Looking Dorky in Carseats photos:

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Dylan, looking googly-eyed and surreptitiously flipping you off. Pretty funny, but I think Ninja Eyes Riley still has him beat in terms of humor had at a child’s expense.

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Haaaaaa. NINJA EYES FTW!

Comments

109 Responses to “Movies, mocking the children”

  1. Clueless But Hopeful Mama on February 27th, 2008 12:19 pm

    Okay, I’m too lazy to read all the comments (plus, chocolate is CALLING to me from the kitchen).

    I wish I had read this before WASTING two hours (I gave up) with The Assassination of CRAP. It was painful I tell you. You just gave a great PSA.

    Must recommend:

    Once (beautiful music, tender, touching)
    Michael Clayton
    Hustle and Flow
    Waitress

  2. Jen on February 27th, 2008 1:52 pm

    I am not going to read 101 comments so I will just throw down 3:10 to Yuma and Eastern Promises. Because anything with a.) Christian Bale and b.) Viggo Mortensen is going to be all right. We are also watching Rome the series by HBO right now and its addictive. And seriously – Ninja Eyes. Holy shit that was good.

  3. Shawnde on February 27th, 2008 4:09 pm

    All four seasons of The Wire. You will both love it, and it’s addictive. Season five is just finishing up on HBO.

  4. Josh on March 3rd, 2008 7:58 pm

    Boy I’ll tell you what not to rent. Unless you just happen to like having candy coated bunnies shit down your throat in a long sorroful song of hope and inspiration, don’t watch The Pursuit of Happiness. That sucked huge fake porno cock. It was two hours of bad things happening to Will Smith as he bravely struggled to work two jobs so he could raise his suspiciously white looking child. The most exciting part of the movie was the numerous scenes where Will runs his ass off in various attire either carrying his retarded x-ray machine, or chasing someone who stole it … again. Also, there’s a scene where he apparently slip his son a rufee so he can sleep through some jack ass repeated banging on a remote train station bathroom door while Mrs. Smith curls up like a pussy and cries for a while. My dick actually fell off after watching that scene. Do yourself a favor and leave that useless piece of crap at blockbuster, or netflix or wherever you rent from.

  5. launchingsloth on March 6th, 2008 10:12 pm

    HOT FUZZ

    and/or

    SEAN OF THE DEAD.

    I don’t like zombie movies or horror or anything, but I laughed my metaphorical butt clean off watching SEAN OF THE DEAD.

    Also, I’ll just throw in with the club and say The Wire rules.

  6. launchingsloth on March 6th, 2008 10:13 pm

    Also: thanks. Going to remove that Jesse James movie from the Netflix.

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    The Results have been sent to the BAA, the USATF course cert number is ID03004MR

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    It definitely answered my problem, appreciate it!

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