I don’t know if I’m allergic to mosquitos or what but every time I get bitten the area of attack gets enormous and puffy and red and sort of . . . well, boil-y, if I’m going to be honest, all brain-searingly itchy (ohmigod) and throbbing and basically less of an insect bite and more of a TORTUOUS PUSTULE OF HORROR, and this would be why I flail around batting wildly at myself whenever there are flying bugs nearby, or even when I think there might be bugs, and did you just hear something? Just now? A tiny eeeeeeeeee sound? Goddamned bloodsuckers, I’ll . . . I’ll burn down your pupae. I’ll tear off your proboscis and crap down your thorax.


Anyway! How’s your week going? Mine is going swimmingly, aside from the Pustules of Horror (PoH) I acquired during an otherwise lovely walk through some gardens last weekend. Oh, and there’s the matter of Dylan having cut his first tooth and morphed into a drooling, hand-gnawing (and finger-gagging), snot-tacular mess as a result. Also, Dog has a lump on her side and it seems likely that it’s just a fatty benign tumor thing since she’s an Elderly Labradork but I’m worried the vet will tell us otherwise and now I feel guilty for yelling at her yesterday when she joyously dragged her ass along the carpet like hey, look at this great way I found to buff my rectum!

In happier news, my hardware budget at Workplace had accrued enough funds to buy a new computer, and I got myself a spanky-fast MacBook Pro. I love it very very much, especially since it doesn’t sear the flesh from my thighs like my old laptop. JB, after months of crabbing about how Macs are mold-covered pieces of wet shit compared to PCs — suitable only for creating cute little scrapbooky photo albums, not for legitimate business activities — has already started angling for ownership of my previous MacBook, and I’m thinking of letting him have it, as long as he promises to wear a special shirt whenever he’s using it which will read I NEED TO KEEP MY BIG FLAPPING IGNORAMUS SHUT.


65 Responses to “Tuesday blather”

  1. mojavi on June 25th, 2008 8:04 am

    lol… i feel the same way, but about chiggers!! i have 6 bites right now driving me insane!!!!!!!

  2. Christie on June 25th, 2008 8:17 am

    My step daughter gets the same way with mosquitos and she has been told she has an allergy to them! We have purchased a portable, Mosquito-Deleto type of thing that uses small bottles of propane. There is a thing in the center that attracts them and then on the outside is a sticky film that they stick too. I thought it was a gimmick but we use it EVERY night in our backyard. We sit it on the patio table in the yard about 10 feet from the deck and we don’t have any problems when on the deck. It really is one of the best outdoor items we have ever purchased!

    Secondly, my male German Shepard developed a large lump on his right side a few years back. I paniced (because thats what I do) and rushed to the veterinarian where I paid a boat load for an emergency visit only to be told that it was a fatty lump and he would be fine! In fact I was even told I could ouncture it with a needle and drain it! I opted not to do that since he really doesn’t mind the lump at all! I am sure that’s Dog just has a fatty lump too but I am completely with you about wanting to be sure…after all they are like our kids too.

  3. Jennifer on June 25th, 2008 8:52 am

    Congrats on the MBP. My hubs just got a new MBP and loves it to death. I have a MacBook and a Mac Mini. And before giving “mister works-at-that-non-Mac company” JB your old MacBook, you could mention to him that MacOSX is actually *Unix* (insert singing choir of angels here) which is the most proven, robust researchy operating system known to man! While those poor old PC users are stuck wallowing in a kitchen-sink-confused-mass that’s still essentially built on top of DOS with all its stupid single-user constraints and limitations.

    Sorry for totally geeking out on you there. But, OMG, we run C++ and Perl and Tcl and -csh programs on our Macs. If JB wants to do more than scrapbooky photo albums, I dare him to open up the Mac TERMINAL and type stuff at the COMMAND LINE like a REAL programmer! (Uhhh, whoops I guess I geeked out again. This starts to turn into a religious issue doesn’t it!!)

  4. Maggie on June 25th, 2008 9:06 am

    Get the Sting-Eeze stuff from REI or the grocery store. Dab it on as soon as it starts to itch, before it starts swelling into an itchy lump.

    It stings (duh) but it stops all the itchiness right away. Helps BIG TIME with mosquito bites!

  5. willikat on June 25th, 2008 9:24 am

    same thing for me–hot, horrible, huge, boil-y PoH’s. i read somewhere it’s because some peopel give off more carbon dioxide, and mosquitoes are attracted to that… and that those people that give more of it off tend to be more allergic than the average bear to mosquitoes. what works for me? well, a paste of baking soda and water… really works. but it’s messy and doesn’t stay all the time. sting-eeze works well but it stinks and can sting if you already scratched. still, sweet relief. also works: benedryl itch cream (antihistimines! anti-itch!) and shit, even cortisone cream. i’ll use anything if it will stop that infernal itching/burning. (ah, minnesota, where the mn state bird is the mosquito…hahaha…heh…ok)

  6. ELC on June 25th, 2008 11:45 am

    Well, since you asked (rhetorically I’m sure), I’m kind of sore at you. I’m sorry to be so off-topic but – I just finished Operating Instructions and it left me with a sour after-taste. Maybe Anne Lamott is too cerebral for me, but reading about her fuckedupedness didn’t make me feel better about my own. I actually found her frightening.

    THEN, I went to Lululemon – thrilled to find out I have one about 5 minutes from my house. Until I realized that I better not even bother trying them on, unless I want to be buried in them, because my husband would kill me if I spent $92 on yoga pants. That I can’t even wear to work.

    Finally, I saw the pictures of you in the bikini. haha. Thanks a lot. My baby is 3 months older than yours and my “figure” is….NOT to be photographed in a bikini and posted on the internet.

    Is this all some sort of message that I am living my life a little too closely to your blog posts? maybe. Still – I feel badly about your bug bites and dog lumps. Thanks for sharing – I’m off to shop for a Macbook Pro.

  7. Katherine on June 25th, 2008 12:43 pm

    Okay, so to summarize so far, we have:
    snotacular teething
    doggy anal glands
    rampant itching resulting in…
    nighttime skull scooping
    mosquitos, ticks, chiggers, and other assorted human-eating bugs
    fatty lumps
    the occasional geek commenter dissing DOS (again)

    and one of my new all-time favorite lines

    “sometimes an itchy butt is just an itchy butt.” Amen, sister.

    God I love my lunchtime blogs. Throw in a penis or two (or the new euphamism I read for that this morning– some “tackle”), and we have a GD smorgasbord of delight.

    Thank you all.

  8. Danielle-Lee on June 25th, 2008 4:12 pm

    ‘Sometimes an itchy butt is just an itchy butt’. Oh my.

  9. WickedStepMom on June 25th, 2008 5:36 pm

    I have been anti-MAC for a while. Now, I want one.. I am such a sell out.

  10. Karl on June 25th, 2008 6:53 pm

    Not allergic to mosquito bites, thank goodness, because I attract the little fuckers like you wouldn’t believe. I *am* allergic to flea bites, to the extent where one emergency room (!) resident exclaimed admiringly “Wow, I’ve never seem ’em like this one!”

    As for the Mac thing, I run a Winders-free zone here at the home office, thank you very much. I am jealous of your new NacBook Pro! I have been suffering with a 4-year-old TiBook which to my great annoyance continues to function acceptably and refuses to break, dammit.

  11. kristylynne on June 26th, 2008 6:52 am

    I was going to suggest Benadryl also, but a few people beat me to it. Yesterday I bought a topical Benadryl gel that comes in handy stick form. You just dab it on there. So far, so good.

    As for the dog’s butt – if he keeps it up, ask the vet about it. If not, maybe it’s just an itchy butt. :-)

  12. Alley on June 26th, 2008 8:17 am

    My husband got bitten by something horrid last year and got this awesome ring around it so we were convinced it was lyme disease. Turned out to have been… well, we still don’t know exactly what it was, but a steroid cream worked wonders.

    Our cat did that butt thing for awhile. She, uh, needed some trimming back there. Little bits were hanging on, so we got to wait for her to poo and then wipe her butt with a wet cloth to keep her clean! Ah, memories…

  13. Valria on June 26th, 2008 8:43 am

    Oh so much to comment on…..

    Keep us informed on DOG, you know how much we love her!

  14. Leah on June 26th, 2008 10:53 am

    I too suffer from PoHs, and here’s my disgusting-but-it-works secret: if you scratch them until they bleed, and then squeeze the blood out, they’re stop itching.

  15. Charlise on June 26th, 2008 2:11 pm

    OK – I read the linked-to article. And well, I am still trying to understand how someone can scratch THROUGH bone. It isn’t making sense… Although very creepy, I am having trouble imagining how it is even possible.

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