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Jan
25
So. During the course of Sunday afternoon, I:
• Screamed at the tantruming 2-year-old to SHUT UP
• Hauled thrashing toddler to his feet by the neck of his shirt and roughly shoved him towards the hallway, yelling GO TO YOUR ROOM, slammed his door shut behind him at top volume
• Stormed back to his room in order to pound on closed door as loudly as possible, still yelling
• Told the 4-year-old he was being a crybaby for howling when his brother pulled on his shirt
• Fought with husband over something stupid
• Yelled GET OVER IT at toddler for crying about his new shoes
• Yelled at 4-year-old to GROW THE HELL UP after the millionth brotherly wrestlefest ended with him crying
I was ugly, furious, out of control. I imagine my face, transformed by anger, and what it must look like to my children. The unattractive parentheses on either side of my cheeks deepened, brows creased, mouth open. A terrible witch.
At one point, Dylan acted out after being told to stop misbehaving. He threw his cup on the floor with a loud clatter, staring at me, and I started to walk towards him to—I don’t even know. Bark at him not to do that, probably. And Riley saw me coming and clapped his hands over his ears.
I had yelled so much during that day my boy was covering his ears.
At the end of the evening, I made cookies and ate a large amount of the dough. I took three beta blockers. I talked with Riley about how if he needs an adult to intervene when he and Dylan are playing, he should ask for help instead of crying. (Which he immediately put into effect during their next tussle: “Mom! Help! HELLLP!”) I sat Dylan on my lap and indulged his bottomless desire to surf Flickr for pictures of animals. I took slow, deep breaths.
Too late, though. The day had happened, every shameful, shitty, regrettable moment. The moments I hope they forget. Oh please. No need to keep those memories, babies. It’s my job to hold them and learn from them, not yours.
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Oh, aren’t those days fun? Ugh. I hate those days where nothing goes right and you end up yelling at everyone around you. It happens to almost everyone, Linda, no matter how much you love your kids. Chin up…tomorrow will be a better day.
You are human. We’ve all been there. Don’t beat yourself up over it.
Luckily for us all-to-human parents, our kids tend to remember the good, and forgive us quickly for our transgressions….
I know I’ve looked ’scary’ to my kids at times as well, and while my stomach was twisting and turning in guilt, I found that all is usually forgiven in the next moment…or when they get up from their naps with a sunny smile for you. (Often that happy greeting just twists the knife a little deeper, though, doesn’t it?)
We all lose our cool…every parent every where. All we can do is try to reign it in, take a deep breath and try to do better next time….
I feel your pain. We had a day like this too over the weekend. It just makes you feel awful. The guilt is overwhelming. The next day was a better day and all we can hope is to learn from these experiences and handle it better next time.
Okay, not to offer an unwanted comment, but where was JB all this time? Sounds like you needed a break. Or was it one of those both-parents-operating-on-overdrive kind of weekends? Must have been something in the alignement of the planets too. I had a difficult dog-mom weekend.
Today will be better; kids are mightily resilient, they tend to remember the good and not the bad (fortunately for us).
Time.For.A.Longgggggg Run.
Quick, before the kids realize you’re leaving…
That day happens to all of us..mine was usually driven by Fear. Fear of failure, fear of boredom, fear of poverty, fear of death (mine, hers), fear of just about anything.
I would sometime stop, breath and try and identify where the fear was coming from…..it usually helped.
I so know where you are coming with this one. Sometimes I catch sight of myself when I’m yelling and I scare myself, so no wonder the children are frightened. And I wonder if the apologies begin to sound hollow when I continue to issue them, though thankfully usually about a month passes before total armageddon takes place again.
It happens to all of us.
Ah yes, the rough days. And it never fails that they reflect our assholish behaviors and we become even bigger assholes because WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT and it distracts us from realizing that they are reflecting us and it all gets progressively and exponentially worse until we all are behaving like those feral people on tv.
My older girl is a bit younger than Riley, and it’s starting to occur to me that she will be able to remember some of this “daily life” stuff one day. Crap. I’d better bust out some glitter soon. Memory overwrite.
At least they are learning that we are all complex creatures who have good days and bad and love them all the same, just as they love us. I’m counting on that. Or bribery.
I had one particularly awful day a few weeks ago. I screamed at him, I screamed at nothing, I screamed at traffic. I cried hysterically and was convinced that someone should come take my child away because I was obviously an unfit mother.
But, at bedtime that night, he still crawled into my lap (my “yap’ as he calls it) and we snuggled and read stories together and he said he loved me.
Thank you for sharing your not-so-stellar parenting moments with us. I don’t know if every mom had those days, but this mom definitely does, and truly, until I read these words, I thought I was the only one. Its nice to know I’m not the only mom who completely loses her shit every once in a while.
You are human. I think during bad days that we adults tend to remember a lot more than the kids. They forgive us, but the hardest thing is forgiving ourselves.
I find it refreshing to hear about the real parenting moments. So many times you read blogs of others and wonder if they live in some fantasy land. Everything seems to be full of sunshine & unicorns. Thanks for keeping it real. I’d almost guarantee there are many other moms like myself who are reading and say “Been there, done that” I appreciate your honesty.
It happens to all of us.
Oh my god it must have been in the air this weekend. And not that im glad you had a crappy weekend but im SO glad its not just me!! I acutally smacked my boy in the head on Sunday. Smacked him, across his head. I have never ever done that but 15 minutes into the 3rd massive screaming pinching scratching meltdown of the weekend, i just wanted to snap him out of it and apparently that seemed like a good idea. I will probably never forgive myself for that.
There is no hand book for this, and that sucks.
I’ve had similar days – where I feel like crap for the way I’ve yelled or grabbed at my 3 1/2 year old, angrily pushed him into the time-out chair, and think, I really hope he doesn’t remember this, because I love him so very much, and don’t want him to have memories of a screaming, angry mother. But some days his behaviour (misbehaviour) strikes me the wrong way and I react. And then I try to learn from it, hopefully to react more effectively the next time. Because there will be a next time – another tantrum, or defiance in public as I’m trying to run errands…
Don’t beat yourself up. From all that I read on this blog, you are a fantastic mom. The boys will remember and appreciate that, and the times you are pushed to the breaking point by their behaviour will decrease over time.
There does not pass a day when my almost-4 yr old, who is a mighty drama queen who has been yelled at more than I care to admit, says, ‘Mami, remember when…’ and proceeds to dig up some obscure happy moment like when we took pumpkin muffins to her class or we saw baby ducks on a walk. I know from all your posts that you are creating plenty of those happy moments with those boys – so forgive yourself a Sunday like that where bedtime can’t come soon enough and everyone needs a timeout from each other!
This may or may not make you feel better…but here it goes. I do remember my mom doing similar things…yelling similar things…probably not from when I was that young but when I was a little older definitely. But when I look back on it, I just think about what a wonderful mom she is (she really is) and how I feel kind of bad for pushing her to her limit so often. Everyone has a breaking point…and I know from all of the other things my mom has said and done to/for me that she loves me more than anything. Everyone has a breaking point, and I am the type who also will yell stupidly once I’ve reached mine. You are a great mom, like my mom. If/when your kids remember these incidents they will just think “Man, I’m really lucky that mom loved me enough to put up with THAT”.
We all have those days. We do. Tomorrow is always better. Well, ok, maybe not ALWAYS, but USUALLY. Eventually, though, it does get better.
I hate it when I have days like those. Kids just take so much patience and I don’t think the majority of us are lucky enough to be BORN with the kind of MECHANISM that keeps us from EVER freaking out at our kids. Some days it just happens. They forgive easily though, don’t they? : )
Been there, done that. Felt the same way at the end of it all. In fact, something in the air? Because this is how I was/felt on Saturday by the end of the days and I promised myself to change, be different, stronger in the morning. But I woke up feeling the same way Sunday. I took a run and it changed the whole world.
Anyway the point is you are not alone. I will not say all parents feel this way but many do. We have our moments, lose our grip and freak out. The fact is you are not like this all the time and it is okay for your kids to know that you are human and not a fucking stepford wife! Hang in there.
Thank you for writing this, and so honestly. I know it’s something we all go through sometimes, but it often feels like we’re the only ones. I actually told my 3 1/2 year old that I didn’t like her this weekend. I said “I’ll always love you, but right now I don’t like you.” I felt like shit for hours afterwards. It’s not a concept a toddler should hear. I, too, hope it’s moments like these that their little brains chose not to remember and ones that we can learn from.
I love this. I don’t love that it happened to you, but I love that you were willing to share it because it makes the rest of us not feel like we are isolated heathen monsters when it happens to us. And I, too breathe. Some days are one breath at a time. Thank you for such a raw, honest post.
Thank you for honestly sharing this sort of thing. It happens to everyone, and while those sorts of days are obviously not preferable, pretending we’re above them does everyone a disservice.
You’re definitely in good company. I clotheslined my kid this weekend. You know, like they do on those stupid wrestling shows. He wanted to chase the dogs outside & came running at the door like a freaking bull, and I grabbed his collar and yanked him back.
They’ll forget. And the rawness will wear off for us, too.
I think we all have those days. Thank you for being brave enough to share yours. You made me feel like it’s okay and reminded me that I’m only human.
This was exactly where I was this weekend with our 3 YO. She’s just, so…so obstinate lately and not listening at all and getting into all kinds of trouble. I feel like I’m yelling, and repeating and nagging ALL THE TIME and I just don’t know what else to do. She pulled the “I hate you” route for the 1st time and I was both enraged and dumbstruck with saddness at the same time.
This morning, after a struggle to get her to do anything, including put on the clothes she picked out last night she started to fiddle with the plugs in an outlet and I barked/screamed/yelled like nothing I’ve done before. She turned, looked at me with an angry face then crumpled into tears and crawled to hide behind her bed, saying she was scared of me. No amount of cuddles and explaining the danger made me feel any better.
Thanks for sharing this. The husband and I had a similar weekend with each other. One thing I’m trying to practice is to not look back except to learn. Guilt is a useless emotion.
I have about one of those days PER month. They are not pretty. They are, however, normal. You can only move forward.
I hope that today and all of your tomorrows are much better.
I wouldn’t beat yourself up over this. I actually do remember my father’s rage when we were growing up (WAY worse than what you described)…but it is far outweighed by how much I know he loved me and is here for me and has always been here for me and loved me.
I don’t have kids, but the dogs sure heard it from me yesterday. I spent three hours cleaning the house only to have one of them step in dog shit and bring it in the house. I had to get out the carpet cleaner and everyting. I was pissed! I yelled, screamed, swore, and yelled some more almost to the point of tears. I yelled at the husband to lock the effing dogs up in the kennel and they were never to be let out AGAIN! When I went down to the basement later to clean the dog shit up on their kennel, they both stayed where they were, looked at me with their sad pathetic eyes as I cleaned up the dog shit. I felt terrible but was still contemplating putting them both up for adoption. This morning their pea sized brains forgot all about the night before, but I didn’t. The husband wanted to know if I would do this to kids, if we ever had any someday and I told him this is why we don’t have kids! I feel for you. I think there was something in the air yesterday.
my 17 year old will now yell at his 12 y/o sister to “get in the bathtub before I whip your butt” and then look at me and crack up laughing……I feel like crap but then realize they aren’t scarred for life from it either!
I’m not a mom, so please excuse my ignorance but how are you not losing your shit daily with the rough housing and temper tantrums. You deserve a god damn medal. Where’s JB?
I’m so glad to read this today b/c I yanked my kid out of indoor play at the Y today (after 2 warnings we’d leave if he pushed other kids) and I did it rather forcefully and screamed at him in the lobby. Not my finest moment.
Maybe it is something in the air or it’s the time of year – seems like everyone’s kids are being extra shitty lately…
I too had a night like this not so long ago. I called for a do over but I know that can’t happen. One of my issues is chronic pain in my back and when it gets bad, the kids can’t do anything right. Normally I try to remove myself from the situation but at bedtime with two kids and i’m flying solo there is no escape.
The last time I was in for a treatment on my back, the hospital tv station flashed a short blurb about chronic pain being related to child abuse. I can see it, but i will NOT live it.
Oh yes. Yes.
But I hate to hold onto them, those memories. And I have a hard time learning from them. I find myself in the same places, time and again.
My heart goes out to you. I’ve had those days. So. much. guilt. :( I hope today is better.
The reason I love your blog is because you write about the unpretty stuff. Parenting is not all cookies and sunshine. My 19 year old just recently moved out(in a 19 year old tantrum way). It was not pretty. We have been in contact, but he is in the “you sucked as parents”stage.The funny thing is I remember being in that stage, it just sucks to be on the parenting end of it. Cut yourself some slack. Tomorrow is another day.
The reason I love your blog is because you write about the un pretty stuff. Parenting is not all cookies and sunshine. My 19 year old just recently moved out(in a 19 year old tantrum way). It was not pretty. We have been in contact, but he is in the “you sucked as parents”stage.The funny thing is I remember being in that stage, it just sucks to be on the parenting end of it. Cut yourself some slack. Tomorrow is another day.
This post brought tears to my eyes. Why? Because I am remembering my shitty weekend that is eerily similar to yours. The worst was when my 4 year old turned to Daddy and said “Boy, Mom sure is mean.” Yep. That right about sums it up.
Today we are all love and cuddles and it is a much nicer feeling.
And the funny thing is that in moments of NO clarity or perspective, I seriously wonder why they fight with each other, act angry or get so easily frustrated. Hello, dumbass, it’s because they’ve been watching me.
The good thing is that you are providing fodder for them to bond over as my siblings and I discuss/laugh/commiserate with how my Mom used to get right in our faces, hiss, “LEAVE.ME.ALONE” and run and lock herself in the bathroom.
And quite honestly, there’s a tiny bit of solace in the fact that I am not the only one who acts like an asshole and crosses lines of appropriateness in frustration sometimes.
Please tell me a ‘beta blocker’ is an amnesiatic drug that allows you to continue to forget that you do not live in Cabo San Lucas with three pool boys.
Thanks for this, and hugs for you. I know exactly where you’re coming from.
I’m so, so, so glad you wrote this. I had a similar Sunday and I feel horrible about it now, but yesterday, yesterday I was wishing I would get a work assignment that allowed me to travel for at least 3 days. I have a 2 and 5 year old — that are physically exhausting and an 18 and 21 year old — that are mentally exhausting. :o(
Its good you document this, because later when they are adults, and they are feeling JUST LIKE THIS, they will know it is completely normal.
You are not alone. I wish I could say I don’t know what this feels like, but lo, I do. Please don’t give yourself a raft of guilt over it. You are learning just as they are, and so am I and so are we all.
I really like how I can come to your blog and know that not only you, but all of your readers as well, know what I am going through.
I fucking HATE when mom’s talk about their kids as if nothing like this ever happens. Kids are hard. Or at least mine are. Sometimes you dont know what else to do other than get mad. Its sucks but its the truth.
What do you think the settlers did? Do you think our great great great grandmas bent down to their 2 year olds and sweetly said “Sweetie, can you please stop hitting your brother? Thank you baby.” after working on the farm all day. Fuck no.
So, dont feel too bad. We are all in it and it does get better.
Been there, doing that.
No sage advice just a shout out that you are not alone, which is usually something that makes me feel better, when at least one friend or person says “omg, I DO that too” it makes me feel vulnerable & human…I am still blindly clawing at the air for that UNDO button (like the EASY button) but I always feel a wee bit better knowing I am not alone in my actions or thoughts, you are unique-just like everyone else :-)
They won’t remember, really, they won’t. They’ll remember looking at pictures of animals with you on Flick’r, or snuggling in the early morning, or any number of the other amazing things you do for them. You are the only one that will carry these scars and be gentle on yourself, you’re only human.
Thank you for sharing this. Parenting is just so damn hard sometimes.
My least proud parenting moment: When my son was about 12-15 months old he went through this biting phase. He hardly bit anyone but me, but for awhile there he was biting me every day. We tried everything to deal with it. Time out, reading “Teeth are Not for Biting” one thousand times, etc, etc.
One day I was holding him and he leaned over and bit me hard on the shoulder. I yelled in pain, roughly set him on the ground and then flicked him on the mouth. He looked at me and burst into loud wailing tears.
I can’t tell you how guilty I felt (feel) at that moment. I hurt him. I scared him. I felt like a monster. Who the hell flicks a baby on the mouth? Who could yell at a baby? I started crying too and we both sat on the kitchen floor in tears.
Honestly, it is kind of scary telling this story but I think there is something powerful about people being honest about how difficult parenting can be. I know at that bad moment I felt like the worst mother and, in a way, it helps to know that we all fall short somedays.
The look on my toddler’s face when I yelled at him is something I will take to my grave.
Be kind to yourself; we all have those days.
I spent so much of Saturday yelling at my (21 month old) son to “quit pulling the cat’s ears/stop pulling the books of the shelf/for the love of GOD if you must be ON the train table at least sit DOWN/do you need a time out?!?!?!” that I actually started to lose my voice. These days suck, but they happen and we aplogize for our failings and we hug them and kiss their sweet smelling heads and next time we do a little better. Thats all that can be expected of us and I, too, pray that it’s enough.
I’m sorry… I have the same problem some times. I call these my nominations for “Parent of the Year”. I believe I put my 5 year-old in her bed and told her to “take a nap, before I REALLY get mad”… and it wasn’t a gentle, Pottery Barn tucking in, too. I may have pushed her so that she was lying down on her mattress. And her face. It was terrified. I am so not qualified to raise these little people some times.
I’m hoping my daughters have forgotten or at least forgiven me for moments like the ones you described. They are 35 and 41 now, and I still feel horrible guilt about those times! Thankfully, they don’t seem to have been ruined by my bad days!
We’ve all had those kinds of days. You love your kids, the love you. Sometimes, things are hard or aren’t perfect. The good thing is that tommorow is a new day and you can move on. You’re a good mom … if you weren’t you wouldn’t have made it this far with them.
They won’t remember. You’re a wonderful mom who had an off day. I by all accounts had the cruelest, most verbally abusive mother on the planet. (everyone who knows me is nodding slowly) And hell, I still only want to remember the good.
You are by all accounts a freaking rockstar who is an inspiration to people all around the world, while maintaining status of most fun and aware mom ever… so again, I think you’re good. I’m sorry you had such a crapper though. YOU are the one who needs to forget about it.
Wow. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for sharing that with the world! I only have one child and I’m pretty sure I had the same horrible rotten experience this past weekend! I was too afraid to publicize it, and I feel a lot better knowing I’m not the only mom who has a rough-go at life with little ones.
Life is just full of those days. I will say that they get better when your kids are older. You are able to talk to them and they are able to understand better. They are better able to understand cause and effect. They know exactly why they’re being sent to their rooms: because they are fucking selfish little assholes sometimes and need to chill out. Just like parents. We’re human and we’re often unable to control out anger. Don’t beat yourself up too much. Learning to remove yourself from the anger helps. Learning to distance yourself, to not take every episode personally helps, but it takes practice. And mindfullness. And damn if kids don’t give you plenty of opportunities to practice those skills. Shit happens. We all have bad BAD days. And as long as there are more good days and as long as your sons know you love them more than buttered toast, everything will be okay. There was a very long awful winter once when my daughters (who are 3.5 yrs apart) were about the age your sons are now. It really, really sucked and thought I might have to a) get a divorce and b) give up my children. I didn’t. We got past that and now they just fight over Barbie fairness. Life ain’t fair and shut the hell up about who has more Barbies. I. don’t. want. to. hear. it. :)
Thanks for being brave enough to post this, strong enough to recongnize it, and smart enough to immediately start trying new coping mechanisms with everyone (”you need to tell me you need help instead of crying” = genius, genius move)
The weight of regret makes you human. The burden of motherhood makes you superhuman. All of you. Very, very good ones.
From a non-mom to all you superhuman moms and dads out there – I’m so glad you are the good guys.
I too had a horrible day yesterday and at the end of the night found myself SCREAMING in my three year olds face to “STOP YELLING AT ME!” AHHH the irony was lost on him.
Linda – your honesty is so refreshing. So many of us are trying to put on our perfect faces — your blunt truthfulness shows your humility and openness. I appreciate that.
Here’s a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson:
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day…..”
Oh god, you are so not alone here. This is why I eventually saw a therapist for postpartum depression. For me, it didn’t manifest itself in sadness as much as anger. And I had those same regrets every night as I would lie in bed thinking of all the ways I was emotionally damaging my kids. You are a fantastic mom and shitty days happen. Sometimes they happen over and over again. And you can’t see the light. But the good always outweighs the bad. At least that’s what I tell myself over the guilt I feel over barking at my 4-year-old and 20-month-old. Thanks for your honesty though. Sometimes for me, me saying it out loud to someone makes me more aware when I start spiraling down to that dark place again the next day.
We all have those days. I can remember behaving reprehensibly to my children. Today they are adults and they say “I deserved it.” And they still love me, and we’re all friends now. Like with childbirth, the pain fades and only the good stuff stays in your memory.
That was me last Monday And Tuesday. Except I have four kids to scream at. My husband actually came home from work to save the children from their Crazy Mother. We all have those days, it’s okay.
Remember that scene from Monster’s Inc when Sully scares the robot kid and Boo sees it and Sully realizes what he’s been doing to kids this whole time and learns a valuable lesson?
I try to think of that just before I lose my ever loving shit. Sometimes I remember in time, other times I’m not so lucky.
It’s a horrible feeling when you yell like you’ve never yelled before at the people you love like you’ve never loved before. Especially when you only have two full days with a few scattered hours during the week to be with them. God, I hate that feeling.
Not sure where I’m going with this except to say, “I know.” If I knew you in ‘real life’, I’d hug you and say that you in person.
God, I was just telling the ladies at playgroup this morning that I had one of those days last Friday, and it left such an ugly SOUR taste of bitter regret in my mouth that I felt a tiny bit down about it all day on Saturday, which was the girls’ birthday.
I yelled at them on Friday so loudly and furiously and out-of-control-ly that I hurt my vocal cords. And then I ordered all three of them to their rooms, where I then proceeded to swat each of their butts once as they walked by me, cowering.
I loose my temper a lot, but this was soooo… extreme, considering the offense(s). They were just mildly bickering, a soft static undertone to the entire day (school canceled due to storm), and I suddenly couldn’t stand it for one more second.
It still makes me sad. And, though every other aspect of being med-free has been wonderful, it makes me wonder if I *DO* need that stupid effing zoloft after all.
That sounds like a horrible day. I hope today is better.
I don’t have kids, but I do know that everyone has bad days. Even many bad days strung together.
You are a good mom. Your kids know that, despite the bad days.
I remember my father screaming at us, screaming and punching walls and seeming very big, very scary.
Here’s the thing, though: My father didn’t hit us. He was a good father, a gentleman and a gentle man. I was not afraid of my father. I didn’t tip toe around his ‘temper’, because for the most part, he didn’t have one.
He had moments.
You had a moment.
We all have moments.
I’m not sure how to explain this. These flashes of anger from my father, I remember them, but they aren’t the first thing (or even the 100th thing) that I think of when I remember my father.
thanks for that. have you ever sprayed a 2.5 yr old with cold freezing water cause he didn’t want to get out of the godd#*#$ f*&c^n bath tub? yeah its all good- we all have our mommy dearest moments “NO MORE WIRE HANGERSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!”
They won’t remember, and you should try to be done with it, too. It’s hard as a stone, this job. It’s not our job to be perfect, to never yell or lose our temper. It’s our job to not commit violent horrible acts just because we have violent, horrible thoughts. Hang in there.
I’m so sorry, Linda. I’ve had moments like this and it makes you feel like ripping your own heart out. But my husband ran across a chapter in “How to Win Friends and Influence People” that completely changed my parenting view! It was all about being realistic about your dealings with certain people – including your children. The whole chapter was about how he was constantly after his son about this or that and always seemed to be disatisfied with him. Then one night when he chastised his son for interrupting his reading, he realized his son had simply stopped by his office to give him a goodnight kiss – and he continued to hug and kiss his father despite being reprimanded. The father felt so guilty and realized at that moment that his expectations of his son were unrealistic. He expected him to be a grown-up, to control his emotions, to be respectful to others in the house, etc. But then it hit him that this was a child, and children in general don’t know how to control their emotions, act like grown-ups, etc.
Anyway, ever since reading that chapter, I look at my kiddos totally differently. When my 18-month-old son has a temper tantrum for the 15th time that day, I simply walk away and wait for him to cool down. I know he can’t control it right now.
I swear you live in my head. It is so weird to see my inner-most thoughts written out by a stranger. Our boys are the same age difference (with mine being slightly older) so we seem to go through a lot of the same things. Thank you for sharing and for making me cry it out. :o) And, on a side note, thank you for getting me off my ass and running again. No half-marathon for me, but a 5 mile run that I need to get training for. Hope today will be better and thanks again!
I think quite a few of us need a do-over for Sunday. My 8 year old daughter was whining and whining and OHMIGOD the WHINING about having to clean her room. The last time she said, “But I don’t WANT to!” my reply was, “Tough. Fucking. Shit.” And that was at 10am, the rest of the day was pretty much sour. I hate these days, and I always tell myself I’ll learn from them, remember how guilty I feel after she goes to bed, but then another day from hell rolls around and the cycle repeats. As someone else said, I’m glad you write about the bad days too.
I’m nearly 39 and I don’t remember last week, so I think you’re golden. They’ll hang on to the good stuff the tightest. For sure. :)
Something must’ve been in the water (from the PacNW all the way down here to the dirty South) because I had the exact same day yesterday. When yelling at The Boy, it was the dogs. Sigh. Today has been better.
…and then I got my period.
That’s how my stories like these usually end.
Thanks for being honest about the ugly side of parenting. We all have days that aren’t Leave it to Beaverish and it makes me feel much less alone.
Personally, I don’t think you should feel that bad about a little yelling, considering all you have to manage on a daily basis.
Granted, I’m not a parent, but I *am* a former child, and I can assure you that my parents’ raised voices in no way scarred me for life.
Give yourself a break.
Oh, and for the record, I once called my mother after yelling at the girls and tearfully asked her how she got through parenting without screaming like a banshee.
“Are you KIDDING? I yelled all the TIME. My GOD, your sister…and the…and then…Don’t you remember? Of *course* I used to yell.”
And I guess, yeah, if I think about it, I do remember that the first time I heard curse words were the ones coming out of her mouth when we were running late and the damned car wouldn’t start and WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING BACK THERE? STOP IT! I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER PEEP! but it’s really not in front of my memory.
It didn’t go on her permanent record, so to speak.
Yes, me too! The guilt is SO HORRIBLE that I lay in bed every night and ask God to PLEASE HELP ME BE BETTER! I love my girls so much my heart hurts but there are some days when they are not listening or whatever I just can’t take it anymore and I grab them roughly and push them towards their rooms and scream like a lunatic so badly I start to feel like I am going to hyperventilate.
I am sorry this happens to you and me and all of us. I hope they don’t remember this and that I (and all of us) can use these mistakes to take baby steps to be better at handling stuff next time…
Hugs to you!
I had that day last week. Things actually went pretty good most of the day, but I was on my own the whole day with two kids and no breaks, and when my three year old had a meltdown because she wanted me to brush her teeth and I told her to hold on a minute (because I was brushing MY teeth), I just completely lost it and yelled at her to “Just give me one fucking second to myself, GOD!” Ouch. Luckily my husband was home by that time and “tagged” me out.
Sigh. You take the good with the bad, I guess…
I’ve had those days too. You are not alone, and I really think in the end the kids will remember the good things and not the bad from their childhood. Thanks for being honest enough to talk about it–I think our parenting community is so much healthier when we give ourselves a break and realize no one is a perfect parent.
You plagiarizing my diary again, girl? How many times I have been there! oh the crazy makingness of kids. It’s so hard. Nice to know we’re not alone, though. Yet another awesome thing about your blog.
Ugh – those are the moments I relive in my head as I lay in bed at night. It makes me so sad when I lose it too. I just hope and hope that my daughter NEVER remembers the stupid things I end up yelling over.
You are so not alone.
Oh, Linda, this post really speaks to me. I don’t'have kids but I have trouble controlling my anger, too. My anger has damaged my relationships and my career. I just bought “Anger Management for Dummies,” and am reading it, but so far it isn’t helping (all the early chapters are devoted to persuading you that your anger is unhealthy and is harming you. To which I say, “No duh.”) I hope there are techniques that will help me “disengage from rage,” as they say. But it happens so quickly! My outbursts happen in a flash, before I even know what’s happening! How do you stop something that hits quick as lightning? I have located a therapist and hope that I can get a handle on this.
(On a different note — in response to your Tweet about your school fears: my husband, who went to law school as a relatively “elderly” 31 year old student, after getting his PhD, had the same fears. “What if the other kids don’t like me and won’t let me join their reindeer games?” he said the night before his first class. He ended up almost instantly bonding with a group of ather students his age, and now, 14 years later, they are still his closest friends, and mine, too.
(I think going to school when you’re older is a bit like being an expat living in a foreign country: you end up bonding tightly with the other “outsiders,” and you discover a closer, warmer network than you ever thought possible. This has been the experience of my American Anglophone friends who’ve lived in Hong Kong, Japan, and France. They never really integrated into the local culture, but they made the best friends of their lives with other Americans. You’re going to be ok.)
Hi,
I came across your blog from Manic Mommies big tent. I really liked this post.
We all loose our cool sometimes and it is not bad. Don’t feel guilty. It will not scar your kids for life and I guarantee that they will be yelling at their kids just like this.
Looking forward to read more posts from you.
Oh yes. And the fact that you WILL hang on to the memories and let them shape your future behaviors is what makes you a good mom.
I remember once having a similar encounter when my son was about 3, practically dragging him to his room in a near rage. And then later, going to his room, in tears to beg forgiveness and tell him how sorry I was.
We’re all human Linda. And if there is more love and happiness in their lives than yelling and anger, than I think they do forget about the latter. At least I hope so. I’m just so afraid they’ll remember my harsh words and not my apology.
You’re a good mom. You have good kids. You all had a bad day on the same day.
I barely remember ANY of the times my mom yelled at me (except from teenage years, honestly…none from when I was a little kid, and I know she yelled) and much more of the times she took time to play a game with me or read me a book. Or, even the moments when she said she was sorry for being a mean mommy. (she never really was, but she still asks me from time to time if I remember her yelling when she shouldn’t have. I don’t.)
I think the other important thing is that you made amends. So many parents are either a) friends or b) “you’ll do because i say so” types. A lot of them don’t apologize and model great behavior for when they, eventually, lose their cool, too.
It’s OK. This too shall pass.
My dad did *far* worse, Linda, and he never once said he was sorry or appeared to express any remorse. I think losing your cool is normal. Everyone is weak and human, and it teaches kids something about how to repair what they’ve hurt when they see you own your bad behavior and make amends. I so wish I’d seen that from my dad. I don’t begrudge him the yelling, hitting or terrible, hurtful words. I begrudge the fuck out out of him for never having appeared to regret any of it.
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve had to say, “I’m sorry,” to my kids at the end of a day like you had on Sunday. Those words go a long way with our kids and prove to them we are only human.
So been there. A lot. LOT. And I’ve been taking Paxil for the past year to help keep in in check- but it doesnt always work.
I remember screaming at my 3 year old, you are on my last nerve! Just go to bed! in my craziest most screaming voice. He would not leave my side, he just burst into tears and said, noooooooooooooooo. Oh, it was a low moment. Soon after, I started telling him, Mommy is giving herself a time out. I’d go sit in my room, just sit. He’d peek in and say, are you done yet? No, not yet. Sometimes that helps. Thanks for sharing, we do all have those moments!
16 or 17 years ago I was screaming like a crazed Banshee at my son for some act of stubbornness or another.
He’s 19, he’s in college, he tells me he loves me every time he talks to me. He comes home to visit because he wants to not because he has to. There’s no scars – physical or mental on him but I had that guilt just like you do now.
It’ll pass! I promise!
I have totally been there. I think the one lesson we all learn is that parents make mistakes and when we do we have to apologize for them. Your boys are young, but they are learning now that you were sorry. It does make an impact as they grow. When my kidos have a bad day now they will come and say sorry to all of us for their misbehavior.
Cyber hug – I hope today was better!
I recently came across a passage that speaks to this very thing:
“We all hurt someone sooner or later. What matters is why we did it- and then what we choose to do about it.”
You had a bad day- you’re human, and as long as you’re not made of stone, you’re going to get pissed, you’re going to yell, you’re going to have days where life is a miserable shit-hole.
But even now, you’re teaching your kids something useful. You’re teaching them that you can be angry, you can screw up, and you can lose your temper, just like everyone else.
And then they learn that you can ask for forgiveness, you can right the wrongs you’ve done (or at least do the best you can), and you can survive not being 100% perfect and carry on.
My father and I had some terrible rows when I was growing up, especially when I was a teen. Terrible, hurtful things got said, and I admit there were times when I was afraid of him.
But these days, I remember the things he taught me, his bravery, his selflessness, and that underneath the gruff exterior lies one of the most gentle men that I will ever know. As long as you keep that love and that forgiveness at the core of all you do, even when you mess up, it’ll turn out OK.
Omg I am so grateful that you wrote this. I needed that.
Because it’s normal right?
I’m sorry you all had a shocking day. Looks like most of us have been there.
I think when you have kids it dredges up a lot of(usually painful) stuff from your own childhood. It’s interesting how the things we vowed we’d never do to our own children… we end up repeating ourselves.
I know that talking through my issues with a therapist (a lovely woman with young kids herself who can therefore relate) has really helped me break the anger/yelling/guilt cycle that was making life in our household awful to be in.
I love that you are so brave to share this with us. For me, it helps to know that I am not alone when I have days just like yours. Truly, thanks.
I think I’ll echo nearly everyone here. We all have days like that. I always feel like I must be the most evil, vile person on the planet. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone. Thanks.
I’ve had one of those days. Unfortunately, the days became weeks and the weeks became months and the months became three years, off and on. Thank god for Prozac.
As usual, thank you for your honesty because I’m not alone. And judging by the comments we have a whole crowd of us. I can relate and have had similar days recently. I feel so guilty and horrible afterwards but it’s hard to find a way to channel the anger. Kids can be brutal and unrelenting…I love when people tell me to count to ten. Dude – tried it but would be doing it all day. Cookie dough is the best option. And I’m sure getting it off your chest feels good too. You are not alone and it’s over. There will be more bad days but the good will outnumber them.
And you are not alone..not because I’m…oops!
We watched Where the Wild Things Are a couple of nights ago.
I cried the whole time.
And then I went into my son’s bed and cried some more.
I could have written this post. Thank you for writing it.
my day was today :( trying to get my 2 year old to sleep. my sweet boy flinched when i stomped to his bed for the gazillionth time to put him back in bed. i shut his door and went into the shower. i wonder how many cuddles it takes to make up for it?
As everyone has said…it happens and as long as it isn’t happening all the time, you are just human like the rest of us.
If it is a regular occurance then you need to figure out the problem and find a solution. Sounds like you could have used a break.
As a mother of 5, I pay someone to give me “one day off” that I use to do whatever I want to do. It is worth the money and my mental health to pay for the sitter. And I don’t feel resentful of my husband if he isn’t always “johnny on the spot” helping me. And a happier mother makes for happier kids.
Ah, it happens to us all. Learning from it, letting it go, moving on … you’ve got the recipe.
As someone who grew up dealing with far worse, I just wanted to say thanks for putting this out there, for owning it, and for recognizing it was a bad day. It’s healing for me to see parents who recognize when they mess up and actively want to do it better next time.
I think all parents explode sometimes, and all kids deal with crap, but it sounds like yours know how much they’re loved and wanted, and in my book, that usually is more lasting than a bad day.
If they remember it when they are older, it will be the day mom lost her mind. They will laugh about it because it is not their normal.
Been there, done that…many times with my 4 year son and 5 year old daughter. Some of those times are engraved in my mind and heart forever…other of those times have erased themselves from my mind.
I love what you said here: “No need to keep those memories, babies. It’s my job to hold them and learn from them, not yours.” So, so very true.
Keep your chin up.
Of course other people struggle with the same thing. It’s recognizing it and learning from it that’s important.
I think it’s a mix between what Jennifer said somewhere above this – about altering your expectations of how children deal with their feelings – and learning to walk away when you feel yourself losing your shit.
just found your site – just saw this post and the HUGE number of comments. SO glad I’m not the only one! love the site.
It’s those last lines that kill me. Oh, that they let us keep those moments.
Ouch, my heart just aches after reading your post and recognizing myself on my less than stellar parenting days.
Thank you for your brutal honesty. I am stinking sick of mothers who pretend that everything is lovely, when this is the hardest f’ing job on the planet and sometimes I just suck at it.
I think you’re okay until they’re teenagers. Then, even if you only frown once a year they’ll still react with “whyyyy are you alwaaayyyyys maaaaad at meeee?” For now I think they’re still in a pretty forgiving place.
You’re doing better by them by letting them see you angry every once in a while than you would if all they ever saw was smiles. If they never see you mad they won’t know how to deal with anger when it happens to them (or to the people around them)!
My son always says his shoes don’t fit, and kicks them off after I’ve just got them on. Any shoes, any size. This enrages me.
Last weekend I found myself yelling in my four year old’s face to just put the damned ice skates on, or while all of his friends had fun without him he could just sit there by himself & cry. After much yelling & tears, I realized the stuffing was still in the toes of the skates…
I am very impatient & easily frustrated, as is my son, so you can imagine how many scenes like this we have. The absolute best thing to make all of you feel better is to tell them how crazy you were acting, while doing an over-the-top impression of yourself. You can see the stress melt from their faces, and it gives you a moment to forgive yourself, too.
I definitely have my days like this, too. It reminds me of a line I heard from a play called “Mom’s the Word” which goes something like this:
“I wake up in the morning with aspirations of being Mary Poppins with the kids, and go to bed at night feeling like Cruella De Vil.”
Just repeat to yourself: tomorrow is another day to start fresh and be more patient.
Well said. There is so much up and down with little kids. One minute they’re fine the next they’re screaming. Then you’re yelling and eventually everything is fine. Aaaand back again. My boys are way more forgiving than I am. I feel so guilty when I’m the one who can’t hold it together. Then there’s that magic reset button that gets pushed. Something random happens that jerks us back into reality. What were we just yelling about? I dunno. Can we have a icee-pop?
Been there, done that and have the gray hair to prove it. Everyone has these days- don’t sweat it.
Hmmm, sounds like last week for me. I was stellar when yelling at the three year old, while repeatedly slamming the door. Then a few days later she got mad and I could see how she is modeling my crappy anger management. So I pretty much suck. I will do better this week.
You are a good mom. I wish my mom had reflected more on these things. You inspire me. Really, you do.
You’re reminding me of things I’d rather not think about. But the weird thing is, even when I say I suck, my kids insist I’m a “good Mommy.” I am not sure how that works, exactly, but it probably has something to do with the instinct to cling to sanity.
I have a really good memory, but I can’t remember anything “bad” before age 2. So I think you’re OK with Dylan for now. As for Riley, think of it as an opportunity to teach him that you’re human and no human has endless patience, even though we’d like to. Nothing wrong with him learning that.
I swear it’s part of the point of having children. The process will test and retest and hone and pull apart every piece of you. It’s not just for them. No one gets to have the perfect life growing up. The more perfect it is, the less able we are to handle imperfection as we grow older. You are doing so well. Your boys know they are loved. You are human and beautiful and it’s all part of it. Bad days are part of it. you are great.
I agree with everyone who has said that you are probably more marked by the day then them. I know that feeling, at the end of the day, when you just want a do over so that you can fix all the stupid mistakes. But honestly, I think that you shouldn’t feel guilty about losing it when the kids are being impossible. I think acting like a robot who never gets mad is bad for kids. Showing them that moms get mad too, and then you get over it, and act better afterwards is an important model for them to see. When my 4 year old flips out over something I always tell her that its ok to get mad, if she wants to/needs to be mad for awhile, I understand. So why would I not allow myself the same thing?
I had one of those days Sunday, except I have no kids. So my poor fiance bore the brunt of my repeated attacks. I was literally SHRIEKING and SPITTING FIRE. I don’t know what my problem was but I was basically stompy all week into the weekend and then monsterlady reared her ugly ugly head Sunday.
Sigh.
I know that having this happen with your kids instead of just your husband/fiance is far far worse but man, I’m pretty sure the guilt and shame is the same, cuz I am right there with you.
Yesterday was exponentially better, which caused me to pause and think WTF was WRONG with me this past weekend. Hello Sybil! Sheesh
Been there, done that. Who hasn’t? And those who say they haven’t are lying. We’re only human after all.
I don’t beat myself up over moments like those. My kids have so much love, I know that a day like that will be a fleeting moment in their memories and a little rough talk doesn’t do much harm. If anything, they’ve learned to behave when I’m a bitch on wheels.
Don’t worry. My kids are both adults now. One day I grilled both of them on things I remembered doing and saying when I was a less-than-stellar parent and neither one remembered a thing! Sure eased my mind!!
I’m coming to this late, but I’m so, so glad I came. As awful as it is, I am grateful for this post. I’ve been there, really:
http://rhapsodyinbeige.wordpress.com/2010/01/09/different-scars-but-scars-nonetheless/
I understand the shame of which you speak, understand it far too well.
We’ll both do better today, I’m sure.
Me too. Me too.
I have SO been there. screaming like a harpy, knowing I’m out of control. My Jessica will tell me later “Mommy, promise you won’t yell like that again.” I try very very hard to keep that promise. I cry quietly after she goes to bed when I don’t. Hang in there. {{{{HUGS}}}}
I thank the lawd for your honesty and the community you’ve created here. Because now I know that we are *ALL* raising our children with a dose of the witchy. And I suspect, now that I am a parent, that all of humanity has been raised this way. (May explain the state we’re in…but how else do overwrought human parents respond to testy little human children?)
For some 17 years now I’ve occasionally beat myself up over the time I bloodied the then 13-year-old’s nose for him. He entirely, 100%, unequivocally deserved it, but my response was caveman at best. Certainly I never hit any of the others like that, nor him at any other time.
The kid in question is 30 now. I just a few months ago found out that he didn’t remember, and when we talked about it, his reaction was along the lines of “Oh that! Oh, now I remember. yeah, I was being a giant sized a**hole, trying to see how far I could go, I’m surprised you didn’t put me in the hospital.”
So I guess the moral is that you can always try to do better, but kids are tough and sort of know when they deserve the yelling and whatever. Take the mental energy being expended feeling bad, and redirect it to deciding how you are going to quietly and delicately nail their asses the next time they act out… :)
Everyone has these days. Unfortunately, we’re human and they are just unavoidable. As so many have pointed out already, the good so much outweighs the bad for your boys. They clearly know, deep down in their bones, that they are cherished by both of you.
You’ve also given them the gift of letting them see that Mommy sometimes makes mistakes. More importantly, that when she does make mistakes, she can admit that she has, and works to do better next time. That is truly wisdom.
Next weekend will be better.
thank you for posting this, Linda. thank you for being so honest.
I had exactly one of those days last week with my 16-month-old, an entire evening I wish I could just erase. I don’t like knowing how horrible I can be to someone I love so much. It’s just…awful.
I have these moments way too often. While they’re regrettable, they’re only much more so if we don’t learn from them. At least we’re making the most of a bad situation.
You are so not alone.
Thank you. Thank you for admitting that those days happen. Not only are you not alone, you make a whole lot of us feel like we’re not alone, either.
Thank you for sharing. I needed to know I’m not the only one.
I’m just chiming in to what everyone else is already saying but: I hear you. I hate those fucking days. I hate lying in bed in seeing myself in replay in my head. I hate myself when that happens. Every day I will myself to NOT GO THERE. It’s exhausting to beat yourself up. Thanks for being so honest about it. I usually just curl up in a ball of shame.
That was me, last night. As always, thank you for your honesty, and thank you for reminding me I’m not the only one.
hey, you didn’t hit anybody, so it’s all good in my book!
“people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but they will always remember how you made them feel.” ~maya angelou
I’m sure others have left the same comment. However, I’ll still add my two cents. There is not one Mother in this world who has not had a day like that. If they say they haven’t then they are lying. Period.
It’s ugly, the follow moments or days are filled with regret, but we are human. Humans who have bad days, who lose control.
The key is to not make every day that way. I promise the kids remember more of the good days.
Chiming in to say BTDT, too. Two weekends ago with our 2.5 year old twins was the absolute worst — thank goodness things have been a bit better since then. It was just a day… everything we did was wrong by them, everything they did and said (accompanied by much whining and poking of each other) was wrong by us.
I called my mom that night and said, “How did you let us all live through this age?? You lived through it too, so it has to be a phase, right??” She was highly sympathetic and acknowledged that as parents, we all have better days and worse days — and the same for all of us as kids. she mused that it will get better… and then it’ll get worse. yay.
Thank you as always to Linda and all the commenters for your honesty, even when it stings. We’re all in this mess together, and it helps to know that sometimes other moms have the same kinds of days/moments.
I read the entire blog post. I see what you’re trying to say, but not everthing was clear.
This post brought tears to my eyes, because I’ve had that day. I’ve had that night. I don’t know how to make it not happen. Thank you for being honest about the ugly part of parenting. Hope today is better for you.
Tears for me, too. Thank you for making me realize that I am doing the same thing sometimes, and making me more cognizant of how I am reacting. And how I look to my boys. But we’d all be lying to swear we’d never to it again…as much as it breaks our hearts afterwards. Why is it so hard for us to learn? Oh yeah, because we’re human. And boys are boys…
If I had a dollar for every time I needed a do-over on a day? YEAH.
You aren’t alone. Those days are just the SHITS.
Been there. Several times. Never know what I am going to say or do in those moments, but always ALWAYS regret them later.
and I know that there will be more “episodes” like that to come.
I also think that there probably are people out there that don’t have those episodes, but is it me or are those people’s children just the most spoiled and obnoxious and intolerable people in the world? Kind of like their parents, actually.
Chin up. It happens. You’re out of the running for “Best Parent in the Universe”. Welcome to the club, and get over it.
I am *so* happy when you post things like this. Because I have those days, too (I have a 4-yr-old son and an almost 1-yr-old son), but I’d never know that it was normal if it weren’t for people like you, who has the balls to let it all hang out. THANK YOU.
What the hell did they do before blogs existed??? Crickey.
HAVE the balls. Have have haaaaaaave. I hate typos, and I can’t just let them be. THAT IS ALL.
I am so relieved to know that other people sometimes have them too actually.
I laughed and cried while reading that because it sounds so much like my evening last night. FU@K hormones and my lack of self restraint! And thank you for letting me know that it happens to everyone sometimes!
seriously, you have anger issues that need to be dealt with or else you are unfit to be a parent.
And THIS is why you are awesome. Every mom has bad days, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you let us know that you do too.
thank you SOOOO SOOOO SOOOO much for this post, it really helps moms (like me) who have no idea what they’re doing, and are often told that they’re messing up their kids’ lives when it probably wont be a memory for anyone but me.
You have two healthy, extremely happy and wonderful little boys, regardless of a bad day here and there, cherish that :)
I have two boys as well. I can relate. So can a lot of people – evidently. It’s great to read this – to know that I’m not alone. Thank you for sharing.