May
31
Here is something that is very very terrible when you have a giant longhaired dense-pantaloons cat and that is diarrhea, cha-cha-cha! Every now and then Billy gets the boot scootin blasters and I simply cannot complain enough about the household effect but that is not going to stop me from trying, here goes: WOW IT IS SO BAD OMG. First of all there is the smell, which defies all immediate scoop-and-remove actions and lingers like a Cranberries song except far less wistful and more of a full-scale aggro olfactory assault. It’s the scent equivalent of Pete Hegseth and it resists open windows, air fresheners, and thoughts/prayers. Then there’s the litter pan itself which I will not describe out of respect for your just kidding it’s a whole Jackson Pollock situation that leaves me baffled as to how he physically managed it, we are talking about the walls getting involved okay???? And then the aftermath in the furry nether regions which is like trying to get peanut butter out of a down pillow only the peanut butter is of course liquid feces and the down pillow is doing crocodile rolls while you try and strategize the best approach: wet paper towels? Deshedding tool? Just set the entire house aflame and walk away in slow motion? There is in fact something called a ‘sanitary trim’ for longhaired cats but it leaves them looking oddly naked, like yes hello here is my shaved børthole on display for all to enjoy! Probably preferable to the muddy tailflap though.
I do give him probiotics and his diet is steady, it just seems to be something he periodically goes through and another reason my once-welcoming house is a bit rough for visitors these days. Sorry for the deranged Vienna sausage who is barking your head off, sorry for the eighty trillion pet toys underfoot, sorry for all the hair on your nice black pants, sorry for the aroma of a beer festival porta-potty on a hot summer day.
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Ha! and also, Gaaa! I am truly full of sympathy while I sit here laughing out loud. Cats can fumigate the entire house when everything is performing normally; I can barely imagine the horror greeting your nose. This “trying to get peanut butter out of a down pillow” is a brilliantly evocative metaphor that I would like out of my head now, thank you.
“It’s the scent equivalent of Pete Hegseth” had me in stitches. Bottle that Eau de… and sell it at a Trump rally, throw in a “fuck your feelings” t-shirt, circa 2016.
I believe this experience is a test of unconditionally loving one’s pets.
Hahahahaha. OMG.
“the scent equivalent of Pete Hegseth” is the very best metaphor I have ever heard!!
I so needed this today. I had a fluffy corgi who was known for his tummy troubles. Butt baths in full haz-mat suits were frequent. I can absolutely sympathize. But man did I laugh.
Oh yeah, the Maine coon poos are legendarily terrible. Ours has random issues and it is just the worst. The cleanup involves luring/herding her into the laundry and shutting her in there with the litter while whatever happens works its way through her system. It’s known as Poo Jail in our household. Then there’s the mandatory ass bath and the associated panic and clawing. No known rhythm or reason, it’s just a biblical curse that falls upon us periodically
My brother in law has a maine coon and they turned a plastic storage tub into a litter box because a regular sized litter box didnt have high enough sides and the cat is HUGE and tall and was getting everything everywhere
Yeah, we do sanitary trims on our dogs because otherwise when it gets too long Bailey’s fine fur grabs the last full poo chunk on the way out like Chinese finger cuffs, and Darwyn’s pee is directed down the sides of her legs by the tuft now that she’s too creaky to squat. Better their dignity suffers than my furniture.