Jan
28
Nobody really tells you about the hemorrhoids. I mean, sure, the pregnancy books might mumble something about inflamed veins COUGH COUGH NEXT SUBJECT, but they don’t prepare you for the day when you go to the bathroom and discover that someway, somehow, you have a . . . a small balloon protruding from your rear end. Possibly several balloons.
Perhaps you will panic, just a bit, and do some Unsavory Research on the subject. You will no doubt learn that hemorrhoids are exacerbated by “straining” when you poo. In fact, that is the main advice you will read, over and over: DO NOT STRAIN WHEN YOU POO. Unfortunately, pregnancy has caused your entire gastrointestinal system to slow to a crawl in order for your unborn child to more efficiently leech nutrients from your system, and frankly, if you do not expend a little effort in your output, so to speak, you’re pretty sure you’ll never take a crap again as long as you live.
And so you have these things peeping out from inside your BUTT, and oh, you can try and pretend they don’t exist, but my GOD, it’s like a CLOWN has crawled up your ass and an entire BIRTHDAY PARTY’S worth of INFLATABLE ANIMALS are housed up in there.
You have no idea what these so-called veins look like. You suppose there’s always the option of getting out a hand mirror and taking a look, but you figure you can quite easily go to the grave without enjoying that particular experience.
At some point, it becomes time to make a Very Shameful Purchase, and it occurs to you that it would have been one thing to have your tube of hemorrhoid cream go slithering casually across the conveyor belt along with a plethora of groceries during the light of day, but it’s something else entirely to be standing in a Walgreen’s checkout line at midnight with exactly two items before you: Preparation H and Tuck’s Medicated Pads with Soothing Witch Hazel. “Yes!” you may as well be shouting to the gimlet-eyed cashier. “I HAVE ENGORGED ANAL TISSUE, AND IT BURRRRRNS.”
You assume that once you’re no longer the size of a fully-grown African rhino your butthole will return to its previously benign state and all of your innards will go back to where they belong, but ho ho HO, THEN there’s the aftermath of a C-section, a procedure which involves your intestines being wrestled around and possibly used for a quick game of double dutch, depending on the skill level of your surgical team. For a full two days after surgery, nurses will pester you about whether or not you have “moved” your bowels, and the answer, of course, is DEAR GOD NO ARE YOU KIDDING ME, but in order to be allowed to go home you will lie and describe the giant movement that you produced — why, just this morning! By god if it wasn’t the size and shape of a Russian Typhoon, Nurse! Cracked the ceramic on its descent! Oh yes, all bowels moving just fine and dandy, thank you for asking!
Complicating matters is the pain medication you are taking, a side effect of which is constipation, and while you try and put off the inevitable for as long as humanly possible eventually there will come a dark and terrible hour when you experience childbirth for the second time. You’ve heard of the expression “shitting a brick” before, but you never imagined that you would become so intimately familiar with the sensation of doing exactly that.
The post-surgery, post-codeine Movement of Epic Awfulness will leave a souvenir in its wake, of course. If they were like fun-sized balloons before, you’ve got something more like the goddamned Hindenburg now.
Eventually, the horrifying things happening in your rectal area will recede, and just in time, because now you must turn your attention to someone else’s butt and the contents thereof. Welcome to parenthood! Luckily, the last smears of your dignity have long been wiped away.
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I found this post because Zoot linked to it, and my god, if this isn’t the funniest account of gastrointestinal discomfort I’ve ever read. I’m 24 weeks pregnant with my first and experiencing all of the fun you just described. Yet, my giggles stopped when you got to the part about what happens AFTER the baby is born. Help me Lord!
So uh, let’s just say hypothetically of course, that you know someone who may still be suffering almost THREE DAMN YEARS LATER after the birth of her child & is trying to work up the courage to call & make an appointment with the Dr. to ‘discuss’ this very subject–do the suppositories really help?!! Again, hypothetically, that seeming like a better solution for my *cough* ‘friend’ *cough* than having to get probed.
Ugh…this reminds me of the months after I had my boy, not hemorrhoids exactly, but I got two great words for you..ANAL FISSURE. OUCH. Miserable f-ing things. Almost a year after I gave birth before it all healed up.
4 months after the birth of my last child, bit the bullet and saw a surgeon about having “the Grapes of Wrath” removed. Unfortunately they were too big for banding and required full surgery. The anaesthetist suggested a spinal so that I could be awake for the procedure. Yeah – thats what every woman wants – to be able to make polite conversation while a surgeon has half his han UP YOUR ARSE!! The surgery was fine, the recovery was fine, until I needed to crap. OH MY F*CKING GOD!!!! I have never experienced pain like it. (And I had a 2nd degree tear and no pain relief with both of my births – I thought I knew about pain). Here’s a hint if you ever have to have the surgery. Run a bath of cool water BEFORE you crap. Then, the very millisecond you’ve finished jump in and let the water do it’s thing. Sorry probably TMI, but I feel I have to warn you.
This is going in the book, I hope.
oy, dear god, can i relate. like christina i had the dreaded fissure. a year after my son was born i had to have surgery! full on, knock-you-out surgery! involving botox! seriously, i now have the youngest looking arse EVER! at least that is what i remember the nurse telling me as i woke up from the drugs…
Unfortunately, I inherited my father’s bowels as well as his looks and entire genetic makeup save for the sex chromosome. I’ve had one at the ripe age of 21 years old, and now keep stool softners, fiber pills and wipes secreted away in my desk drawer here at university. Currently off the fiber because I had a nasty stomach bug or something for a week and am waiting for things to return to normal.
However, have to agree with the following statement: “That is one of my top 10 reasons for considering adoption.”
Amen, Sistah. Amen.
You women who want to squeeze little ones out of your bodies or have: I salute you, you brave, brave women.
I WILL NEVER BREED OMG.
Also, and this is 100% completely off-topic, unless I guess the topic is GENERAL HORROR, but I can think of no one with whom I’d rather share the C-block story in my newscast tonight:
http://www.kvue.com/video/index.html?nvid=326475
OK so here’s what I think is funny about this story… your title ‘Roid Rage: for years and years I always thought that meant hemorrhoids. I’d read these stories in sports magazines about football players and ‘Roid Rage and I would think, wow, football must be really tough if those poor guys are running around out there with hemorrhoids as well as all those other injuries and muscle aches. So no wonder they are angry and in a rage! Their asses hurt!
Someone actually had to correct me (geez, at a football party at someone’s house, ugh) and of course took their sweet time, at my expense and lots of party laughter, to say “no Jennifer, Steroids!!“
I’m due next week and I have never (NEVER) wanted to say “AMEN” after reading a post more than this one.
I’m not trying to rub it in or any thing, but since having a baby, I shit better than I have in my entire life. Not only do I shit more regularly with more volume, but I can also crap in less than a minute. My friends always comment on my quickness. I’m a shit ninja.
I too had a C section + I shit a couple days later, no issues. They gave me a softener + it worked SO well I should buy stock in it.
Oh dear god, now I am very very afraid for the future. *sobs*
yeah this whole parenthood thing – you’re not selling it to me
Great title! I took Percoset for a few days after my recent surgery and can I just say… oh my… OUCH! And yes, I remember those post-birth hemorrhoids from my first birth almost 25 years ago. That’s something a woman just doesn’t forget!
Carol
GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
just, GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
hilarious…truly laugh out loud funny…
I had the problem both times – but I remember especially with my 2nd daughter, a nurse came in to check to see if I had the clown balloons – and I SWEAR TO GOD SHE HAD FINGERNAIL LIKE A HOOKER – 2 inches long and bright orange.
I looked at her and her fingernails and assured her I DID NOT have them, she didn’t need to check – even though at that very moment a full head of cauliflower was springing forth from my ass.
Shudder.
Let’s see if my html-fu works:
Okay, here’s my embarrassing story I’ve never bothered to mention to anyone before. The day after my daughter’s birth, my doctor told the nurse to give me colace and a double dose of Milk of Mag. I pooped all damn day. I had friends coming to visit and I was scared they wouldn’t be able to come into my room because of the noise and smell. Luckily, my bowels took a break right before my friends showed up.
But then.
I woke up in the middle of the night and had to go again. Keep in mind I had just pushed a baby out about 30 hours prior. My muscles down there were DEAD. As soon as I sat up, gravity took over. I pooped all over the bed and floor before I made it to the bathroom. Of all the dignity-killing parts of pregnancy and childbirth, this was BY FAR the worst. But hey, I didn’t have to change my sheets! I should probably see if that nurse is still at the hospital and give her a basket of cookies or something.
Thank god I never got hemorrhoids when I was pregnant!
I did have to go through am emergency c-section, which sucks after you have spent hours in labor trying to push out your baby, only to be whisked away to have him carved out. Why wasn’t that done in the first place?!
Oh my I think I cracked a rib. You have such a way with words Linda! I remember it all so well – not sure I want to thank you for reminding me, especially as I’m seriously contemplating trying for more kids next year.
Well written though.
I lied about my bowels moving in the hospital (so I could get the hell outta there)and was richly rewarded for my deceit by a return trip to the ER less than a week after discharge. I had no idea that I was constipated. I thought I was dying.
The nurses were kind enough to stifle their laughter as they handed me my lemon-lime flavored bottle of intestinal Drano.
Ha, ha, ha, ha! Wow. You have perfectly described my wonderful, I mean horrendous, experience with pregnancy, birth and hemorrhoids. I can laugh at it all now, but reading your post today reminds me of the hell that no one tells you about when you are expecting.
Preparation H is the most shoplifted item from drugstores.
Because no one wants the cashier thinking about their ENGORGED ANAL TISSUE.
I found that by eating a shitload of cereal during pregnancy I managed to avoid them. Unfortunately, you cannot avoid wiping other small peoples’ asses for a long time thereafter.
Seriously!
One C-section
One bottle of pain meds
One beautiful child
One asteroid I had to dig out my ass with a fork.
Dude, I seriously don’t think I’ve ever laughed so much at a blog post EVAR. I’m sorry that your pain is so humorous to me. I’m sure one day I’ll know that pain and it won’t be quite as funny. I think I’ll print this out to save for just that occasion…
That was freaking awesome. I gasped when I started to read because dude no one talks about the ROID!!! So funny.
Haha. I bazillion-th everyone else: hurry up, finish and publish the book already!
I had the piles-of-doom throughout pregnancy, starting at about 3 months – right in the middle of my 6 month bout with morning sickness. I mean, WTF? I’m not straining anything, because it’s all coming out of my mouth instead, and I still get gigantic balloons? I sent the baby’s father off to buy the cream, and seeing as he was the one who knocked me up and all, persuaded him to apply it twice-daily until about 8 months and I couldn’t roll into position anymore (now I call that almost-just revenge).
Even with a vag birth, the midwives are still obsessed about BO and PU. After pushing out a 9lber and suffering 2nd degree tears I thought I’d be crapping bricks (ha!) at the thought of… well, crapping bricks, but to be completely honest – after months of constipation (including mistaking five hours of labour for needing to take a really big dump), I was just so overjoyed to perch gingerly on the toilet and have everything come out so gorram easily.
I always think your last post was the best post, then you go and write one like this. To freaking funny.
That was fanfuckingtastic. :) The stories after your post are also priceless. Reaaaaally glad pregnancy is nowhere on the horizon for me. If babies weren’t so squishy and full of cute nomness, our species would die out QUICKLY. :)
(Also, and I speak from experience, when one needs… erm… “back-end aids” and doesn’t want to face the cashier/pharmacist, drugstore.com is a great place to shop. :))
Hilarious! Luckily, I didn’t have ‘roids, but I had an inguinal (sp?) hernia – the kind men usually get. Yeah, that tore in childbirth! Thanks, kids!
Oh dear, I’m pregnant with my first (halfway done!) and this is my fear.
Not childbirth.
You are a font of good information. I hope pregnant ladies who do online research for this find themselves HERE.
Jessi,
Childbirth should be your fear, as well. It was no picnic in the park.
It’s like when the dental hygienist asks if you’ve flossed when the nurse asks about your bowel movement. They know we lie-why do they ask??
I don’t know how to tell you, but my youngest is 11 and I still get occasional clown balloons.
You SO need to write a pregnancy guide–don’t forget that no one tells you that stretch marks start out purple. I had seen my mom’s but they were a silver kind of color-nothing to freak about, then mine was purple–I thought I was splitting!!
I had ’em even BEFORE pregnancy, and I made the mistake of looking up the symptoms on Web MD. If you haven’t done that, you should, because there are sexual diseases I guarantee you have never even heard of, but according to Web MD and your symptoms HOLY CRAP YOU HAVE THEM ALL.
This is too funny. I think seeing the roid was scarier to my hubby than seeing the childbirth :)
You know it’s true love baby!!!
completely unrelated, but I thought you’d enjoy this story:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,484326,00.html
For the rest of the day I will have Johnny Cash singing ring of fire in my head.
“And it burns burns burns, that ring of fire, that ring of fire”, and if you think about the lyrics, hmmmm? Did he have kids yet? Was this an ode to his wife? Things that make you go hmm.
I didn’t have hemorrhoids OR a C-section, but lordy – “a quick game of double dutch.” That’s the second-funniest thing I’ve heard today!
(The first was my three-year-old telling me, when he couldn’t push the lever down after using the potty, “I think the toilet needs new batteries.”)
Thanks for the memories. NOT.
ok, so i’ve never procreated, nor have i had the roids, but this was a funny, funny entry (perhaps it was funny BECAUSE i’ve never had the roids. but still….).
Me – age 61
Kid – age 32
Roids – age 32
I’ve actually looked with a hand mirror.
While I never suffered from ‘roids while pregnant- I did have a c-section and suffered through constipation. It got so bad, and I was in SUCH agony from the gas that I actually had the nurse shove a suppository up my rear… I couldn’t do it myself, of course, being completely doubled over due to the abdominal staples and all- so a nurse had to do it. Thank GOD she didn’t make a big deal out of it, but I swear it was one of the lowest points in my life.
I love that your entire post was devoted to this. I managed to avoid the roids through pregnancy but not through birth. Took as many tubs of witch hazel pads as I could from the hospital so I wouldn’t have to go to Walgreens.
I can’t believe I am about to proclaim this about a post of all things poop, but: BEST. POST. EVER.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh Linda……. LOL!!!!!!!
No babies for me yet but I was unfortunate enough to have hemorrhoids as a kid. A little kid. Not sure why but I refused to poop. Which of course led to problems, and suppositories, and foam medicated shots up my arse. I remember it well. For years. Of course since I refused to poop – when I finally did it hurt like hell and I refused to do it again. (I tell my mom now everything would have been better if she’d just made me drink coffee!)
Tucks. These have been a staple in my house every since I can remember. We wiped with them after every #2 – to make sure we were all clean :) Seriously – I’m not ashamed – they are soothing. I recommend it highly. I guess the gimmick now is selling moist cottonelle wipes – but Tucks work way better and are probably cheaper :) (The only other house I’ve EVER been in with Tucks on the back of every toilet seat – even the guest one downstairs – was a DR’s house)
Funny story – on a vacation a couple years ago we had 20 or so friends staying in a house. My mom was on the trip also so there was said Tucks in one of the bathrooms. Well a year after the vacation my friend admits to me she thought it was a container of face wipes – and cleaned her face – then realized it was ‘butt wipes’! haha. Honestly though, ‘witch hazel’ is great for treating acne, so they are multi-purpose :)
You speak to me.
Preach it!
Time to be worried
http://i.gizmodo.com/5141800/hacked-construction-signs-warn-of-zombie-attack-in-austin