Wow. I’m ten months post-birth and I am still wrestling with the clown’s balloons, if you know what I mean.

I have had to take the internal route of medicine…er, uh, rhymes with “depositories.”

Not fun. Not one bit of pregnancy was fun except that I got a daughter, and, come to think of it, there are days where I’d be ok if she crawled back in where she came from.

Doesn’t make me a bad person.

Oh yes, I certainly want to have babies NOW. Linda, you’re a nut. :)

I cried more dropping my first deuce after my daughter’s birth than I did with the pushing of her 8+ lb body from mine. That was something awful. Learned my lesson, though, while pregnant with my son, and started popping the stool softeners (i.e. the Pills to Anal-Piss-Fart land) well before he was born.

But with him I had to have my bladder catheterized after his birth, so that was a fun little time too. Nothing like a swollen urethera to get you to the seventh realm of physical pain!

Ya know, you never see that in porn videos. Or so I’ve been told.

I so look forward to one day going through that! Yikes! My dad recently had his hemorrhoids removed….right before my sister’s wedding! Poor guy was in a lot of discomfort right before the big day. I think he did it on purpose, he got out of a bunch of last minute things. Although, when he realized how uncomfortable it is to have them removed, he put a hold on finishing it off until after the big day. Somehow, I don’t think his discomfort can compare to child birth though. But still, kind of funny to have been there.

That is a trip down memory lane that I don’t want to take. The fire… the burning…

My kids are looking at me like I’m insane because I am laughing like an idiot with tears streaming down my face! My husband started calling them “candy corns”. And yes, they ocassionally come back for a visit once they’ve invaded your body. Please, write the book! You will be a best seller in no time flat!

i’m 37+ weeks pregnant with baby #2 (no pun intended) and you just brought back an awful (and hilarious) stream of memories…thanks a lot!

Linda, speaking of #2, how’s it going with Riley? I don’t know how much longer I can stand poopy pants with my 3.5 year old….is there hope?

TWO AND A HALF YEARS is how long it took my sphincter to forgive me for my last pregnancy. I am SO DONE having babies.

And there you have it a whole chapter of your book DONE.
Brillant.

That is one of my top 10 reasons for considering adoption. And good GRIEF does that sound immensely horrendous.

While we’ve tried for almost ten years and have finally gotten lucky enough to afford IVF (I’m weeks away from the first attempt at insemination), my bowels ALREADY act like I’ve gone through multiple pregnancies and births. While I’m thrilled at the prospect of finally becoming a parent, I’m quite frankly horrified at what I may be in store for.

With my first pregnancy, I got what I THOUGHT were bad ‘roids (one the size of a thumb). But, oh no, with my second pregnancy a year later, the things immobilized me for over a week. Really, I was on bedrest and unable to walk, because of those things. It was like head cauliflower up there. My doc told me it was because the baby sat lower this time. And that they would come back (WORSE) with each subsequent pregnancy. No more babies for me!

This would be totally histerical, if it wasn’t so sadly TRUE!

I’ve had two c-sections thus far and my particular doctor has a strange rule that you need to “fart for food”. So you have to rip one in order to get anything besides clear liquids to eat. Both times I sent my husband to tell the nurses that by god I had farted and to please bring mama some lunch! And both times I totally lied because I had not yet farted and was just starving.

Please, Linda, please write a book.

Im done have kids but I’d totally buy a pregnancy/baby book that you wrote because you are so. damn. funny.

Oh..haaaHAhOheeee, sniff….cry…

So here’s something fun. I got these wonderful things despite the fact that not ONCE have I been constipated this pregnancy. NOT ONCE. Oh no! I’ve been FINE! More than fine! No problem whatsoever!

And yet, here I am, desperately digging out my … ointment … regularly, and suffering. OH THERE IS SUFFERING.

You know what else? No one tells you that the ointment stinks worse than the contents of your own ass. NO ONE MENTIONS THAT.

OMG so true!! I am laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes.
Well said.

The timing couldn’t be better. I’m 23 weeks with baby #2 and literally just today had to go to the store for TUCKS…and yes I had that horrible Oh god, I have to go purchase this infront of someone. And thrilling to know I’m only 23 weeks and 17 more to possibly deal with this oh so fun issue. Clearly I should have bought some pear juice and stool softener too…. but man, a girl can only take so much in one shopping trip.

10 days!

It took 10 days for that post c-section movement! I thought I would die if I had to go back into the hospital for lack of poo.

Can you imagine what the ‘roids were like then? Oh, how I wish the hospital staff had asked about my movements before letting me out into the world to fend for myself.

Well, I was lucky enough to not have experienced that situation you so humorously described above, during my two pregnancies….but had I been in that situation your witty banter about it would have made me feel alot better about it! You are HYSTERICAL and if you don’t write a book, I think you are crazy! And THEN I can say I knew you ‘way back when’ when its on the Times Bestseller list….not that you know me….details details… Ha ha…

“Cracked the ceramic on its descent…” LMAO!

Oh sweet heaven, you speaketh the truth. I’m so lucky to have a no-nonsense mom that would make those purchases for me, because there’s no way I’d go to the store for that, thankyouverymuch. And there is nothing redeeming on either side about the nurses inquiring of your gastrointestinal progress. One even brought me a charming 7Up and prune juice cocktail to help things along.

My sister is just going into her 3rd trimester with her first baby. Is it wrong to take just a little glee when imparting this gem of information? I’ll have to direct her here when she’s ready to read such truths without spontaneously combusting with horror.

If you want to try something really fun, give having those “balloon animals” a shot without the excuse of being pregnant. Nothing strips one of my, erm, I mean HER dignity like having to buy those items sans pregnant belly. It taught me a lesson about drinking plenty of water though, let me tell you.

When you say “eventually” you mean like two years, right?

and adoption is looking better and better! My god, bless you mothers for going through all that…I think I’ll just sit here on the breeder sidelines.

Vegetarianism……’nuff said.

Sometimes, I’m so “busy” I don’t know what to do with myself. And, yes, I suffered from “clown balloons” after the birth of #3, and he’s 11 now. Since I went veg, that problem has all but disappeared!

Fuck. I haven’t even had a kid and I had to finish off my sister’s special pads last year. There weren’t balloons, but there was a bleeding asshole, which you know, was a joy in itself.

Can’t wait to have kids.

I *HAVE* to link this to my other site (if you don’t mind of course!) Absolutely hysterical and completely true. I also like the comments of having to “fart for food”. I went 3 days on a clear liquid diet and next time, I’m so lying! I was about 5 minutes away from chewing my arm off…

Son #2 is 7.5 months old and I’m wondering when, oh when will my ass go back to normal? I’m thinking, never.

Ouch, hurting from laughing so hard.

I will NEVER forget going to our local chemist for some, ah, help with the balloon animals when I was about 7 and a half months pregnant. I waited until it was nice & quiet to ask if the stuff from the shelves, anusol, was safe to use during pregnancy. The assistant wasn’t sure, so asked the actual chemist for help. The chemist said anusol hadn’t been proved either way, so gave me some proctosedyl to use instead. By this time, OF COURSE, there was a line up of people behind me (no doubt waiting to see if my balloon animals could do TRICKS) so I was surreptiously whispering. The chemist meanwhile practically BELLOWED, “and as well as being safe, this has the added benefit of shrinking the actual haemorrhoid!” while I hissed for her not to announce to the whole fucking shop that I had a bulging anus, thank you very much. Dude might have a pharmaceutical degree, but what a fucking MORON.

Also? ANUSOL & PROCTOSEDYL?! Why not just call it DINGLEBERRY CHERRY and be done with it?! SWEET JESUS.

:)

Never had a one, sorry.

Amen, sista! I’m there right now…

Oh yeah, and that post caesar crap?

A couple of days after my caesar, I was gripped by a major cramp, ducked into my hospital room’s bathroom, promptly & literally shit a BRICK that was accompanied by such an alarmingly loud fart that my husband yelled out “Toot! Toot!” (no doubt whilst making a bell tugging motion with his hand) when he heard it. Heard it from well across the other side of the actual hospital room & through the bathroom door, that is.

Somewhat excruciatingly for me, the bathroom was right next to the hallway where there was a nurses’ station & there happened to be a nurse RIGHT THERE. She came in a little while later to ask me, while I lay there still sweating & trembling on the bed, for a general check, one of her questions being the standard, “have you used your bowels yet?” How she asked it with a straight face I will never know. My reply? “Oh I think we BOTH KNOW THAT I HAVE”.

Reminds me so much of my best friend having a similar experience after she had her second kid then looking at him & saying, “it’s a wonder I even LIKE you”.

:)

“The post-surgery, post-codeine Movement of Epic Awfulness will leave a souvenir in its wake, of course.”

If that ain’t the truth. Yet another shocking surprise for the new mom.

I was harassed by the nurses to be sure to take my stool softener, and once I celebrated the return of the inner workings, I stopped taking the stool softener. Oopsie. It didn’t occur to me in the Percocet-induced state that it was the drugs themselves that were the cause of the impending disaster.

I was quickly motivated, if you know what I mean, to start taking the colace again.

I remember you talking about this before… I took your advice and bought the special pads way before I was 9 months preggers as to avoid the added embarrassment.

Um, hey. remeber that book you are going to write? No chance it is about roids, is it? I can imagine the Amazon summary now…..

So, um, you don’t have to ever have had a baby to have this problem. And – the surprise of it all is just that much more alarming. None of that “what to expect, when…”

Going back to read comments now for expert advice.

Holy Shit. Heather-in-Australia’s story just about killed me. I am just dying here.

“while I lay there still sweating & trembling on the bed, for a general check, one of her questions being the standard, “have you used your bowels yet?” How she asked it with a straight face I will never know. My reply? ‘Oh I think we BOTH KNOW THAT I HAVE’.”

Pure genius.

And another tidbit about shit, since we all love to discuss and hear about it. I don’t just get the ‘roids when I am constipated; I get those bastards when I have the other extreme as well. In that case, stay away from Fiber One cereal. I had no idea.

I’ve never had a baby…BUT! I herniated a disk in my lower back over the summer. The combination of a sudden completely sedentary existence plus percocet/codeine/etc. I did not poop for a week. I HAD TO SEND MY BOYFRIEND TO BUY ME AN ENEMA. And he had already gone twice to get me two different laxatives WHICH DID NOT WORK. So I used the enema…lying on my bathroom floor with my boyfriend in the next room. I spent the next 48 hours pooping to make up for 7+ days of nothing.

Glad to know I can look forward to that experience when I have kids!

The abdomen is a peculiar place to grow a baby when you think of it. It’s not as if there is shitloads of room in there.

thanks so much linda…i’m newly pregnant and if the thought of having twins wasn’t horrifying enough…this really gives me something to look forward to! (actually your honesty is helpful and hilarious)

I am wiping the tears away to type this. Holy crap (ha, pun intended), this was awesome and OH SO true. And yo try natural child birth – still dealing with this… er… issue.

The experience of child birth was never so much of a hallmark moment as when I placed my feet in the stirrups and had the nurse adjust the “viewing mirror” to witness the miracle of birth. As I gazed up to catch the first glimpse of my daughter I excitedly asked, “Is that her head??” Nope, just a ginormous engorged hemorrhoid the size of a baby’s head. Cue the sappy music….

Been there, had that.

YOu sum it up so well…

Wow. Awesome argument for decimation of the species. Those 4 kids I’ve been desperately wanting? They’ve gone away and a sparkly new car is sitting where they used to be. With Johnny Depp washing it.

My only ‘roids consolation is that my husband also suffers. At least I had some sympathy, when I sent him to the drugstore for suppositories. And the book? PLEASE let it be about this sort of thing. I hurt from laughing because it’s so true!!

Oh the horror! Thank god I never had to deal with them. Wait a minute…you get to LIE about the movement so you can go home? DAMN.

I’ve been right when I say “I’m just no where near ready to have a kid.” Wow do they take a toil on a woman’s body!

OMG, I’m laughing so hard I’m crying! Thanks for that, I really, really needed a giggle.

That first poop post-baby is TERRIBLE. I didn’t have a C-Section, but I had a 4th degree laceration. The only thing worse than my son’s delivery, was the pooping across the stitches that happened 2 days after he was born. I got all ‘Blue Lagoon’ about it, and squatted in the bathtub and did lamaze breathing. My husband still shudders at the memory of my pasty, sweaty face waddling back down the hall after. I couldn’t freaking SPEAK for 2 hours after. And the damn rhoids? AAACK!

Also, I second? Third? That if your book contains this kind of comedy gold, you will be RICH!