Oct
26
There is always a reason not to write here, in this beloved, familiar place.
I’ve had a lot of freelance work lately and I worry sometimes that I have a finite amount of words in me each day, that if I spend some of that currency here I won’t have any to spend elsewhere, in the place where I have requirements and deadlines.
(As if my ability to pull words from my head is a drying puddle, when somewhere deep in the most secret part of my heart, muffled by all the negative voices that believe they are keeping me safe from failure, I know it is a burbling well.)
My children are now old enough to that I have to take the same consideration when I write about them as I would anyone else in my life: the world of blogging was never anonymous to begin with, but it would be particularly foolish these days to assume I have the ability to speak candidly with a select audience of my choosing. There are many aspects of parenting these amazing, challenging boys that I would love to talk about in the hopes of advice or support, but I haven’t quite been able to figure out the trick of balancing my own experiences and truth with their privacy.
They’re figuring themselves out, they’re 10 and 13 and and they’re struggling to find their own areas of control. They’re often a roiling embarrassed mass of fear about being different or uncool or attracting undue attention.
I get it. Boy, do I get it.
I would love to write about marriage, about getting older together and having all these years built up in what we have and how so many things have changed or shifted shape. I would love to talk about how we have made it this far through the Trump years despite our political differences, differences which have only widened and become more painful, just like the dark and terrible crack that seems to be running down the center of our country’s heart.
I can’t talk about the marriage thorns and mirror-shards and piles of suffocating baggage because it’s not just about me, so the easy writing — the cathartic angry writing — is off the table. What’s left is the hardest part: the part about love, that part that takes the most skill to illuminate and breathe life into.
But if I can find that love, I can write about that love. If I can love my children, I can write lovingly about our life in a way that honors where they’re at.
If I love writing — and I do, my god, I do — I can believe in my ability to tell the stories I want to tell.
I love this space, this dusty old website that sometimes breaks and gets bazillions of spam comments and hasn’t had a design update in 15 years and feels like a relic amongst all the shiny white-space professional-photo sponsored-influencer platforms that are, like, optimized for devices built in the last decade.
I’ve missed writing here, and there’s really no good reason not to be here more often.
I’ve missed you, too. Hi. Hi, you.
Comments
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Good morning! I just clicked on my favourites folder after a long hiatus…I miss you too!
Hi. :)
(As if my ability to pull words from my head is a drying puddle, when somewhere deep in the most secret part of my heart, muffled by all the negative voices that believe they are keeping me safe from failure, I know it is a burbling well.)
I had to pause after reading that. You hit it dead centre. You are an amazing writer.
It’s so nice to see something from you. Hello! I’ve missed you.
I love that you love writing. I love seeing that you’ve written. This is one of your posts I will read again and again. I like your un-shiny beloved place. Please keep giving the world your words.
Hi. :)
Hi! I love your writing and am always happy to see something new here, no matter what the topic.
So happy to read this and hear from you! My boys are 9 and 11 and oh man, do I feel your pain and agree with what you wrote. Middle school and tweens and those ages are not fun for anyone.
Hi you! Yours is one of only 3 blogs that I eagerly devour each word as soon as I’m notified that a new entry exists. So welcome back, would love to hear more from you! Reading all the things that you wish you could write about was kind of a tease. Maybe start an anonymous blog to write about all those things because I would love to read them!
Hi! It’s always a wonderful thing to see a post from you, no matter what the topic. <3
Hi. Will be reading, no matter what and when you write. xo
Yes yes yes yes write
Hi there!
Hello! You are the last of the bloggers I still read. You are also the first blogger I ever read. Our kids are the same ages and your writing (especially when the kids were very little) made me feel so not alone. I will always read whenever you post and I am so happy to see an email saying you’ve posted something.
I miss your voice when it is silent. Welcome home.
YAAAAAAAAS!!!!! I opened my email and saw a notice that you had posted and I could not open it fast enough!! You are an incredible writer. Every one of your posts make me laugh and get a lump in my throat all at the same time – the mark of a gifted, gifted writer. Thanks for putting yourself out here, you have made a difference in my life, just by writing.
This made my Friday! I love getting an alert that you posted something. LOVE LOVE LOVE your writing.
You’re is my favorite blog, so I love ANY time I get to read your writing and what’s on your heart/mind.
We’ve missed you, too! Hugs as I, too, often find myself in that boat of not being able to write about what I most need to.
Hi! We’ve missed you, too!
So glad to see you back! Always enjoy your writing, truly!
Hi, old friend. I am glad we are connected on the ‘book, and I always love to read about you hear. Someday, perhaps, I will get back to the left coast and be able to meet you in person.
Whenever and wherever you are ready to write I will be here to read it. We have shared so many heart felt laughs and so many tears both happy and sad. You really need to know how much you impact the lives of your readers. I rarely comment but this is important!! Please keep writing.
Hi back – I was so excited to see a new post from you – I often read your posts a couple of times, as the writing is so beautiful. Today I actually teared up a bit. I also raised kids (4)and struggled in marriage – nothing unique about that at all but if feels comforting to read your words – none of us are alone. Let me tell you that with your kids – they will be alright. Those teen years were harder than I ever could have imagined but now at 27-36 they are all doing great – and that’s usually what happens. I continue to admire you for your candidness & strength.
Oh! I’m such a long time follower! It’s so good to hear from you (although I follow — or is it stalk — you on insta!)
“I would love to talk about how we have made it this far through the Trump years despite our political differences, differences which have only widened and become more painful, just like the dark and terrible crack that seems to be running down the center of our country’s heart.”
SAME! I just want to let you know that I absolutely understand what you are saying here and you are not alone. It’s so difficult. I also am trying to focus on the love.
As always, I love reading what you write and am sending best wishes to you and your family!
Hi! I’m glad to hear your voice. Your bravery and honesty and humor is wonderful.
Hello! So nice to hear from you!
Just another person to say, yes I read your words, yes keep writing them, yes and most of all thank you. I have loved your blog for a really long time and I always enjoy reading a new post.
Hi, Linda. :)
HI – another long time reader here. So glad to see an email with a link to this place where I can read your beautiful words that make so much sense, especially in your vulnerability.
Thank you
Hi there ! I missed you too. Please write again (and again).
Welcome back! Reading your posts is a familiar guilty pleasure. As you are finding the older you get the fewer there are. Your kids are at that awkward age, somewhere between birth and when they move out. Preteen and teenage was the hardest with mine. Giving them the freedom to find out who they are while still restricting them to protect them. It’s a fine balance. Good luck and save some works for us.
In that flashy ad-driven blogging world, I love that I check in here and now and then, it’s like it was 10 years ago, when people still read the minutiae of peoples’ lives. I still love it and will always love it so I am glad that you still come back and check on us.
“I love this space, this dusty old website that sometimes breaks and gets
bazillions of spam comments and hasn’t had a design update in 15 years
and feels like a relic amongst all the shiny white-space
professional-photo sponsored-influencer platforms that are, like,
optimized for devices built in the last decade.”
Those are the kinds of blogs I like! I’ve noticed most that I still enjoy
started out as “mommy blogs”, then the kids grew up and the blogs
changed out of necessity. I’m not a Mom, so I think I enjoy the “new”
version as much as the old. I could live motherhood vicariously through
you all and now I can relate to the challenges of life and marriage and
growing older. But damn it, there really is no good reason for you to
write more !!
HI !
Long-time reader (like, we go way way way back) and I also bug you constantly on Instagram. Would love it if you wrote here more often.
Love you, Linda!
Hi! I’ve been reading since your children were small. Hard to believe so many years have passed. I always love your writing.
You are the most thoughtful, articulate blogger I read! Your descriptions are dead-on accurate, and you write from your heart. And it’s funny. And it’s true. And funny again. Thank you for stopping by! No pressure to do it again, but it was lovely. :)
Always happy to read whatever you write. So nice to hear from you!
Please keep writing here. You are really a gifted writer. Any topic is fine. Love reading whatever you wrote for many many years. Really miss you.
Hi! Happy to read anything you’d like to post since it is always thoughtful/funny/thought provoking and/or just plain great.
HI!
Oh welcome back!!!!
I found this entry today after checking links on my own blogroll. We missed you, too!
The Great Male/Female Trump divide is largely a west coast phenomenon I think. But, most couples just try to avoid the issue (sort of like politics in the workplace). I think it’s best to just grin and bear it…it will be over eventually…just hopefully not until 2024! 😂
Hi!! I’ve been reading you since the age of suspicious Riley and the forts (do they still build lairs??). I’m another long time lurker/reader and IG follower that gets very happy when I see you’ve posted here. We love all of your words, no matter the subject.
Hi!
I may be alone in this, but I appreciate the calmness I find here. No ads blinking or screaming at me. No busy-ness vying for my attention. It seems as if the entire world is a mess of screaming/blinking/grabbing/neediness…and it is exhausting!
And then I come here and I’m able to take a deep breath, calm my mind, read and enjoy your words. It helps so much.
Thank you.
Yay!!! So happy to see you here.
As someone almost twice your age who can look back I tell you this re your marriage: Find a way. Find it, it’s there. Stay the course – it is forever changing as you know, and what’s now will evolve as relationships always do. What you will find in another few years is that building history with someone presents fewer opportunities, and the people in our lives we share history with become fewer and fewer. The history you and John share is priceless.
Everything you’ve ever loved about the other is still there, perhaps sometimes hidden beneath the bullshit of life. Look for it, nurture it, celebrate it. Write each other love letters. Sit knee-to-knee and look in each others eyes for five minutes without turning away. When you think of something you appreciate about the other, tell them. Return to soft belly again and again when you think of things and feel yourself contract. It’s all, in the end, self-care.
Think of trying times as the Universe “Testing! Testing! Testing!” Stay the course as it’s a way of preparing you for something so rich and lovely down the road.
Hi. So nice to read a post again. You are such a good writer. I, too, miss your posts, but I am so glad to hear you are in demand and busy. Your heart is truly always in the right place. Your love for your family always shines through everything. I will look forward to occasional posts and keep checking back in the hope of finding another beautifully written piece. I am pretty sure the vast majority of your readers want you to do what is right for you and yours. I am sure I am only one of many who think about you and your struggles and your wit and grace wish you health and happiness and success.
Hi. Thank you for saying everything I feel about blogging, and writing, and families. I’m so glad your’e still here.
I love when you write!