May

6

Bullets

• I just went and tried to shoo three large, gang-banger-looking pigeons off the birdfeeder where they had scared off all our songbirds and were taking turns trying to balance on the narrow feeder edge with their giant stupid pigeon bodies while flapping around all crazy-like and spilling sunflower seeds everywhere and I say gang-banger because the minute I walked out towards the window flapping my own arms and yelling “HEY!” they turned their beady pigeon eyes to me and were like, BITCH I’MA CUTCHOO and I was like fuck, sorry, my bad, because that’s when I noticed they each had a tiny teardrop tattooed on their face. DUDE.

• Earlier this morning I was at this madhouse of a children’s play area and at the exact moment when both of my eyes had migrated to either side of my skull from the strain of trying to keep track of two kids, each racing all willy-nilly from one attraction to the other as though they had turbofans attached to their rear ends, a very nice girl introduced herself to me as a blog reader, and I was like, HI IT IS NICE TO OH EXCUSE ME I HAVE TO BLUDGEON MY CHILDREN WITH STICKS NOW HA HA HAAA, or something like that, and it was exactly like how I imagined it would be to run into a blog reader, except for the part where I looked like some kind of brain-damaged lady with unwashed hair who couldn’t even keep track of her own offspring, not that I had temporarily lost track of my three-year-old while the baby was busy licking a filthy metal step, or anything.

• Also at this play area they have a tiny basket with a sign that says “MOUTHED TOYS” and I don’t know what my goddamn problem is but I think it’s the funniest thing ever.

• No, wait, actually the funniest thing ever was this balloon my coworker got yesterday at the office as part of a 10-year anniversary celebration for him, like yay you’ve been working here ten years have a balloon and some cookies, and anyway the balloon was shaped like a monkey holding a partially peeled banana and the banana was right at the bottom of the monkey between where his monkey legs would have been if the balloon featured legs and as soon as I saw it I was like OH MY GOD THAT THING IS TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE right in front of the entire staff who was gathered in the cafeteria and then because I never know when to stop I was all, see, it’s like the banana is his penis! IT’S LIKE A YELLOW MONKEY DICK! THAT HE’S HOLDING WITH HIS HAND! HE’S TOTALLY JERKING HIS MONKEY-MEAT ON THIS BALLOON DID YOU GET IT AT A PORN SHOP? OH MY GOD! AM I ALONE HERE? DO YOU SEE IT? DO YOU SEE THE BIG FAT YELLOW MONKEY BONER?

And then I was fired, the end.

74 Comments 

May

4

For no particular reason

Hello, ladies.

Do you enjoy simple pleasures in life, such as the music? Perhaps you would enjoy while I play for you a song of “Music Box Dancer“? No, it will not take long. I only have push this one buttons.

I also enjoy the dancing, do you? Come and join me. I like very much to spin in circles and only occasionally do I get dizzy and smash into nearest piece of furniture. See wooden leg of chair? My face has made good friends with it!

I have many hobby, such as using my pants as the bathroom. Have you tried? It is very easy! I am also liking the loud crying and putting the dog hair in my mouth.

I know many many words in the English but I like best the pointing. Look where my finger can go! Yes also in my own nose! I am many skilled.

If you like for you a companion with who you can share cheese cracker and many many container of milk, please to call. I am not allowed phone yet because of the biting but tell your message and I am sure to be saying hello.

86 Comments 

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