May
11
I still get monthly emails from Babycenter.com, which I mostly now read for amusement’s sake. Take this one that just arrived today:
Whining and screaming: If your 15-month-old has started sounding like a hyena or worse, you’re experiencing his intense desire to interact with you. Children thrive on their parents’ attention and a toddler this age will do just about anything to get yours. When he gets loud or whiny, kneel down to your child’s level and tell him you’re listening. If he keeps it up, calmly say, “I can’t understand you when you talk like that. Please use your normal voice and I’ll be happy to listen to what you’re saying.” Eventually, he’ll get the message.
Heh.
Ha. Ha ha.
Hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha HA.
HA HA HA HA HAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Whew, good one, Babycenter. I love the part where I kneel down and calmly ask my shrieking toddler to use his normal voice instead of, you know, informing him he’s being a douchebag and to knock it off before I cram a Baby Mum-Mum in his screamhole, sideways. Hilarious!
Listen, let’s be real: 15-month-olds are basically feral creatures one evolutionary step below flatworms when it comes to self-preservation and good decision-making skills. Their faintly recognizable vocalizations and ability to lurch from place to place in an upright position does not indicate they possess even one solitary neural impulse capable of being reasoned with. If it makes you feel better to have a Sincere Discussion with your howling (adorable!) bundle of human fail, by all means, have at it, but I think I’ll stick with my method of suddenly pointing off in the distance and shouting “DYLAN! BALL! WHERE’S YOUR BALL?” because the word “ball” makes his eyes dilate like Insectosaurus and he’s a hell of a lot more apt to get distracted by his favorite toy than any long-winded explanations as to why his ear-bleeding communication style sucks and he needs to use his indoor pre-verbal screams.
Besides, if I actually did all that calm talking and reasonable requesting, I would never get the opportunity to bark “DYLAN! FOR THE LOVE OF—SHHHHHH!”, which only shuts him up for about half a second but when it does he makes what I call his “Uh-oh Face”, which is awesome.
May
10
Is it wrong to think that waking up in a comfy hotel bed and enjoying a leisurely room service breakfast while someone else takes care of the kids is a fantastic way to celebrate Mother’s Day morning?
Because I could do this every year, no problem.
JB’s parents stayed with the boys this weekend while we played tourist in Seattle and between having the chance to eat in restaurants that do not feature plastic utensils, the awesometastic Star Trek showing, and the Westin’s coma-inducing king bed, we had an amazing time. I couldn’t have asked for a more relaxing, wonderful just-the-two-of-us outing (our first since Tofino).
The weather was glorious and it was an absolute treat to having the luxury of time and the freedom to do whatever we wanted.
Also, we got a free porn show from a room in the hotel tower across from ours late Saturday night. Bonus.
(Yes, not only did we totally check out another couple Doing It but I photographed the action. Is it less gross if I assure you I put the camera away when his pants came off?)
When we got home this morning I couldn’t wait to do something fun with the kids, being as how it was my special day and all. I was thinking about trying to get a pretty picture of me with my boys—me with my hair combed and some lipstick on; the kids smiling for the camera, their love for me nearly palpable in the soon-to-be-framed image.
Of course, this is what I ended up with:
Ah well, can’t really complain. It’s been a great weekend, and I hope you had a good one too.
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