Nobody really tells you about the hemorrhoids. I mean, sure, the pregnancy books might mumble something about inflamed veins COUGH COUGH NEXT SUBJECT, but they don’t prepare you for the day when you go to the bathroom and discover that someway, somehow, you have a . . . a small balloon protruding from your rear end. Possibly several balloons.

Perhaps you will panic, just a bit, and do some Unsavory Research on the subject. You will no doubt learn that hemorrhoids are exacerbated by “straining” when you poo. In fact, that is the main advice you will read, over and over: DO NOT STRAIN WHEN YOU POO. Unfortunately, pregnancy has caused your entire gastrointestinal system to slow to a crawl in order for your unborn child to more efficiently leech nutrients from your system, and frankly, if you do not expend a little effort in your output, so to speak, you’re pretty sure you’ll never take a crap again as long as you live.

And so you have these things peeping out from inside your BUTT, and oh, you can try and pretend they don’t exist, but my GOD, it’s like a CLOWN has crawled up your ass and an entire BIRTHDAY PARTY’S worth of INFLATABLE ANIMALS are housed up in there.

You have no idea what these so-called veins look like. You suppose there’s always the option of getting out a hand mirror and taking a look, but you figure you can quite easily go to the grave without enjoying that particular experience.

At some point, it becomes time to make a Very Shameful Purchase, and it occurs to you that it would have been one thing to have your tube of hemorrhoid cream go slithering casually across the conveyor belt along with a plethora of groceries during the light of day, but it’s something else entirely to be standing in a Walgreen’s checkout line at midnight with exactly two items before you: Preparation H and Tuck’s Medicated Pads with Soothing Witch Hazel. “Yes!” you may as well be shouting to the gimlet-eyed cashier. “I HAVE ENGORGED ANAL TISSUE, AND IT BURRRRRNS.”

You assume that once you’re no longer the size of a fully-grown African rhino your butthole will return to its previously benign state and all of your innards will go back to where they belong, but ho ho HO, THEN there’s the aftermath of a C-section, a procedure which involves your intestines being wrestled around and possibly used for a quick game of double dutch, depending on the skill level of your surgical team. For a full two days after surgery, nurses will pester you about whether or not you have “moved” your bowels, and the answer, of course, is DEAR GOD NO ARE YOU KIDDING ME, but in order to be allowed to go home you will lie and describe the giant movement that you produced — why, just this morning! By god if it wasn’t the size and shape of a Russian Typhoon, Nurse! Cracked the ceramic on its descent! Oh yes, all bowels moving just fine and dandy, thank you for asking!

Complicating matters is the pain medication you are taking, a side effect of which is constipation, and while you try and put off the inevitable for as long as humanly possible eventually there will come a dark and terrible hour when you experience childbirth for the second time. You’ve heard of the expression “shitting a brick” before, but you never imagined that you would become so intimately familiar with the sensation of doing exactly that.

The post-surgery, post-codeine Movement of Epic Awfulness will leave a souvenir in its wake, of course. If they were like fun-sized balloons before, you’ve got something more like the goddamned Hindenburg now.

Eventually, the horrifying things happening in your rectal area will recede, and just in time, because now you must turn your attention to someone else’s butt and the contents thereof. Welcome to parenthood! Luckily, the last smears of your dignity have long been wiped away.

Comments

130 Responses to “‘Roid rage”

  1. Dana on January 28th, 2009 5:55 pm

    Wow. I’m ten months post-birth and I am still wrestling with the clown’s balloons, if you know what I mean.

    I have had to take the internal route of medicine…er, uh, rhymes with “depositories.”

    Not fun. Not one bit of pregnancy was fun except that I got a daughter, and, come to think of it, there are days where I’d be ok if she crawled back in where she came from.

    Doesn’t make me a bad person.

  2. thejunebug on January 28th, 2009 5:56 pm

    Oh yes, I certainly want to have babies NOW. Linda, you’re a nut. :)

  3. JennB on January 28th, 2009 5:57 pm

    I cried more dropping my first deuce after my daughter’s birth than I did with the pushing of her 8+ lb body from mine. That was something awful. Learned my lesson, though, while pregnant with my son, and started popping the stool softeners (i.e. the Pills to Anal-Piss-Fart land) well before he was born.

    But with him I had to have my bladder catheterized after his birth, so that was a fun little time too. Nothing like a swollen urethera to get you to the seventh realm of physical pain!

  4. Pete on January 28th, 2009 5:58 pm

    Ya know, you never see that in porn videos. Or so I’ve been told.

  5. LG on January 28th, 2009 5:58 pm

    I so look forward to one day going through that! Yikes! My dad recently had his hemorrhoids removed….right before my sister’s wedding! Poor guy was in a lot of discomfort right before the big day. I think he did it on purpose, he got out of a bunch of last minute things. Although, when he realized how uncomfortable it is to have them removed, he put a hold on finishing it off until after the big day. Somehow, I don’t think his discomfort can compare to child birth though. But still, kind of funny to have been there.

  6. Niki P on January 28th, 2009 6:03 pm

    That is a trip down memory lane that I don’t want to take. The fire… the burning…

  7. Amy on January 28th, 2009 6:03 pm

    My kids are looking at me like I’m insane because I am laughing like an idiot with tears streaming down my face! My husband started calling them “candy corns”. And yes, they ocassionally come back for a visit once they’ve invaded your body. Please, write the book! You will be a best seller in no time flat!

  8. Lisa on January 28th, 2009 6:06 pm

    i’m 37+ weeks pregnant with baby #2 (no pun intended) and you just brought back an awful (and hilarious) stream of memories…thanks a lot!

  9. Jill on January 28th, 2009 6:10 pm

    Linda, speaking of #2, how’s it going with Riley? I don’t know how much longer I can stand poopy pants with my 3.5 year old….is there hope?

  10. Amanda on January 28th, 2009 6:13 pm

    TWO AND A HALF YEARS is how long it took my sphincter to forgive me for my last pregnancy. I am SO DONE having babies.

  11. Sarah on January 28th, 2009 6:19 pm

    And there you have it a whole chapter of your book DONE.
    Brillant.

  12. deutlich on January 28th, 2009 6:20 pm

    That is one of my top 10 reasons for considering adoption. And good GRIEF does that sound immensely horrendous.

  13. Kim on January 28th, 2009 6:21 pm

    While we’ve tried for almost ten years and have finally gotten lucky enough to afford IVF (I’m weeks away from the first attempt at insemination), my bowels ALREADY act like I’ve gone through multiple pregnancies and births. While I’m thrilled at the prospect of finally becoming a parent, I’m quite frankly horrified at what I may be in store for.

  14. Robin on January 28th, 2009 6:26 pm

    With my first pregnancy, I got what I THOUGHT were bad ‘roids (one the size of a thumb). But, oh no, with my second pregnancy a year later, the things immobilized me for over a week. Really, I was on bedrest and unable to walk, because of those things. It was like head cauliflower up there. My doc told me it was because the baby sat lower this time. And that they would come back (WORSE) with each subsequent pregnancy. No more babies for me!

  15. Mimi All Me on January 28th, 2009 6:26 pm

    This would be totally histerical, if it wasn’t so sadly TRUE!

    I’ve had two c-sections thus far and my particular doctor has a strange rule that you need to “fart for food”. So you have to rip one in order to get anything besides clear liquids to eat. Both times I sent my husband to tell the nurses that by god I had farted and to please bring mama some lunch! And both times I totally lied because I had not yet farted and was just starving.

    Please, Linda, please write a book.

  16. Lisa on January 28th, 2009 6:27 pm

    Im done have kids but I’d totally buy a pregnancy/baby book that you wrote because you are so. damn. funny.

  17. Ashley on January 28th, 2009 6:30 pm

    Oh..haaaHAhOheeee, sniff….cry…

  18. jonniker on January 28th, 2009 6:30 pm

    So here’s something fun. I got these wonderful things despite the fact that not ONCE have I been constipated this pregnancy. NOT ONCE. Oh no! I’ve been FINE! More than fine! No problem whatsoever!

    And yet, here I am, desperately digging out my … ointment … regularly, and suffering. OH THERE IS SUFFERING.

    You know what else? No one tells you that the ointment stinks worse than the contents of your own ass. NO ONE MENTIONS THAT.

  19. Jan on January 28th, 2009 6:33 pm

    OMG so true!! I am laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes.
    Well said.

  20. KP on January 28th, 2009 6:35 pm

    The timing couldn’t be better. I’m 23 weeks with baby #2 and literally just today had to go to the store for TUCKS…and yes I had that horrible Oh god, I have to go purchase this infront of someone. And thrilling to know I’m only 23 weeks and 17 more to possibly deal with this oh so fun issue. Clearly I should have bought some pear juice and stool softener too…. but man, a girl can only take so much in one shopping trip.

  21. Swiggy on January 28th, 2009 6:37 pm

    10 days!

    It took 10 days for that post c-section movement! I thought I would die if I had to go back into the hospital for lack of poo.

    Can you imagine what the ‘roids were like then? Oh, how I wish the hospital staff had asked about my movements before letting me out into the world to fend for myself.

  22. Shannon on January 28th, 2009 6:37 pm

    Well, I was lucky enough to not have experienced that situation you so humorously described above, during my two pregnancies….but had I been in that situation your witty banter about it would have made me feel alot better about it! You are HYSTERICAL and if you don’t write a book, I think you are crazy! And THEN I can say I knew you ‘way back when’ when its on the Times Bestseller list….not that you know me….details details… Ha ha…

    “Cracked the ceramic on its descent…” LMAO!

  23. Julie on January 28th, 2009 6:38 pm

    Oh sweet heaven, you speaketh the truth. I’m so lucky to have a no-nonsense mom that would make those purchases for me, because there’s no way I’d go to the store for that, thankyouverymuch. And there is nothing redeeming on either side about the nurses inquiring of your gastrointestinal progress. One even brought me a charming 7Up and prune juice cocktail to help things along.

    My sister is just going into her 3rd trimester with her first baby. Is it wrong to take just a little glee when imparting this gem of information? I’ll have to direct her here when she’s ready to read such truths without spontaneously combusting with horror.

  24. Georgia on January 28th, 2009 6:40 pm

    If you want to try something really fun, give having those “balloon animals” a shot without the excuse of being pregnant. Nothing strips one of my, erm, I mean HER dignity like having to buy those items sans pregnant belly. It taught me a lesson about drinking plenty of water though, let me tell you.

  25. Heather, Queen of Shake Shake on January 28th, 2009 6:43 pm

    When you say “eventually” you mean like two years, right?

  26. Emily on January 28th, 2009 6:44 pm

    and adoption is looking better and better! My god, bless you mothers for going through all that…I think I’ll just sit here on the breeder sidelines.

  27. Alyson on January 28th, 2009 6:45 pm

    Vegetarianism……’nuff said.

    Sometimes, I’m so “busy” I don’t know what to do with myself. And, yes, I suffered from “clown balloons” after the birth of #3, and he’s 11 now. Since I went veg, that problem has all but disappeared!

  28. Stephanie on January 28th, 2009 6:45 pm

    Fuck. I haven’t even had a kid and I had to finish off my sister’s special pads last year. There weren’t balloons, but there was a bleeding asshole, which you know, was a joy in itself.

    Can’t wait to have kids.

  29. Kelley on January 28th, 2009 6:48 pm

    I *HAVE* to link this to my other site (if you don’t mind of course!) Absolutely hysterical and completely true. I also like the comments of having to “fart for food”. I went 3 days on a clear liquid diet and next time, I’m so lying! I was about 5 minutes away from chewing my arm off…

  30. Jamie on January 28th, 2009 6:50 pm

    Son #2 is 7.5 months old and I’m wondering when, oh when will my ass go back to normal? I’m thinking, never.

  31. Heather-in-Australia on January 28th, 2009 6:54 pm

    Ouch, hurting from laughing so hard.

    I will NEVER forget going to our local chemist for some, ah, help with the balloon animals when I was about 7 and a half months pregnant. I waited until it was nice & quiet to ask if the stuff from the shelves, anusol, was safe to use during pregnancy. The assistant wasn’t sure, so asked the actual chemist for help. The chemist said anusol hadn’t been proved either way, so gave me some proctosedyl to use instead. By this time, OF COURSE, there was a line up of people behind me (no doubt waiting to see if my balloon animals could do TRICKS) so I was surreptiously whispering. The chemist meanwhile practically BELLOWED, “and as well as being safe, this has the added benefit of shrinking the actual haemorrhoid!” while I hissed for her not to announce to the whole fucking shop that I had a bulging anus, thank you very much. Dude might have a pharmaceutical degree, but what a fucking MORON.

    Also? ANUSOL & PROCTOSEDYL?! Why not just call it DINGLEBERRY CHERRY and be done with it?! SWEET JESUS.

    :)

  32. Beth Fish on January 28th, 2009 6:54 pm

    Never had a one, sorry.

  33. Stephanie on January 28th, 2009 6:54 pm

    Amen, sista! I’m there right now…

  34. Heather-in-Australia on January 28th, 2009 7:03 pm

    Oh yeah, and that post caesar crap?

    A couple of days after my caesar, I was gripped by a major cramp, ducked into my hospital room’s bathroom, promptly & literally shit a BRICK that was accompanied by such an alarmingly loud fart that my husband yelled out “Toot! Toot!” (no doubt whilst making a bell tugging motion with his hand) when he heard it. Heard it from well across the other side of the actual hospital room & through the bathroom door, that is.

    Somewhat excruciatingly for me, the bathroom was right next to the hallway where there was a nurses’ station & there happened to be a nurse RIGHT THERE. She came in a little while later to ask me, while I lay there still sweating & trembling on the bed, for a general check, one of her questions being the standard, “have you used your bowels yet?” How she asked it with a straight face I will never know. My reply? “Oh I think we BOTH KNOW THAT I HAVE”.

    Reminds me so much of my best friend having a similar experience after she had her second kid then looking at him & saying, “it’s a wonder I even LIKE you”.

    :)

  35. Kim on January 28th, 2009 7:10 pm

    “The post-surgery, post-codeine Movement of Epic Awfulness will leave a souvenir in its wake, of course.”

    If that ain’t the truth. Yet another shocking surprise for the new mom.

    I was harassed by the nurses to be sure to take my stool softener, and once I celebrated the return of the inner workings, I stopped taking the stool softener. Oopsie. It didn’t occur to me in the Percocet-induced state that it was the drugs themselves that were the cause of the impending disaster.

    I was quickly motivated, if you know what I mean, to start taking the colace again.

    I remember you talking about this before… I took your advice and bought the special pads way before I was 9 months preggers as to avoid the added embarrassment.

  36. Pam on January 28th, 2009 7:13 pm

    Um, hey. remeber that book you are going to write? No chance it is about roids, is it? I can imagine the Amazon summary now…..

  37. mixette on January 28th, 2009 7:26 pm

    So, um, you don’t have to ever have had a baby to have this problem. And – the surprise of it all is just that much more alarming. None of that “what to expect, when…”

    Going back to read comments now for expert advice.

  38. Dana on January 28th, 2009 7:29 pm

    Holy Shit. Heather-in-Australia’s story just about killed me. I am just dying here.

    “while I lay there still sweating & trembling on the bed, for a general check, one of her questions being the standard, “have you used your bowels yet?” How she asked it with a straight face I will never know. My reply? ‘Oh I think we BOTH KNOW THAT I HAVE’.”

    Pure genius.

    And another tidbit about shit, since we all love to discuss and hear about it. I don’t just get the ‘roids when I am constipated; I get those bastards when I have the other extreme as well. In that case, stay away from Fiber One cereal. I had no idea.

  39. Rachel on January 28th, 2009 7:32 pm

    I’ve never had a baby…BUT! I herniated a disk in my lower back over the summer. The combination of a sudden completely sedentary existence plus percocet/codeine/etc. I did not poop for a week. I HAD TO SEND MY BOYFRIEND TO BUY ME AN ENEMA. And he had already gone twice to get me two different laxatives WHICH DID NOT WORK. So I used the enema…lying on my bathroom floor with my boyfriend in the next room. I spent the next 48 hours pooping to make up for 7+ days of nothing.

    Glad to know I can look forward to that experience when I have kids!

  40. Lesley on January 28th, 2009 7:40 pm

    The abdomen is a peculiar place to grow a baby when you think of it. It’s not as if there is shitloads of room in there.

  41. tracey in toronto on January 28th, 2009 7:43 pm

    thanks so much linda…i’m newly pregnant and if the thought of having twins wasn’t horrifying enough…this really gives me something to look forward to! (actually your honesty is helpful and hilarious)

  42. Christina on January 28th, 2009 7:47 pm

    I am wiping the tears away to type this. Holy crap (ha, pun intended), this was awesome and OH SO true. And yo try natural child birth – still dealing with this… er… issue.

  43. Wendy Wisniewski on January 28th, 2009 7:54 pm

    The experience of child birth was never so much of a hallmark moment as when I placed my feet in the stirrups and had the nurse adjust the “viewing mirror” to witness the miracle of birth. As I gazed up to catch the first glimpse of my daughter I excitedly asked, “Is that her head??” Nope, just a ginormous engorged hemorrhoid the size of a baby’s head. Cue the sappy music….

  44. anna on January 28th, 2009 8:01 pm

    Been there, had that.

    YOu sum it up so well…

  45. Mairi on January 28th, 2009 8:15 pm

    Wow. Awesome argument for decimation of the species. Those 4 kids I’ve been desperately wanting? They’ve gone away and a sparkly new car is sitting where they used to be. With Johnny Depp washing it.

  46. Jenn Perryman on January 28th, 2009 8:17 pm

    My only ‘roids consolation is that my husband also suffers. At least I had some sympathy, when I sent him to the drugstore for suppositories. And the book? PLEASE let it be about this sort of thing. I hurt from laughing because it’s so true!!

  47. warcrygirl on January 28th, 2009 8:24 pm

    Oh the horror! Thank god I never had to deal with them. Wait a minute…you get to LIE about the movement so you can go home? DAMN.

  48. Marie on January 28th, 2009 8:25 pm

    I’ve been right when I say “I’m just no where near ready to have a kid.” Wow do they take a toil on a woman’s body!

  49. Sonia on January 28th, 2009 8:32 pm

    OMG, I’m laughing so hard I’m crying! Thanks for that, I really, really needed a giggle.

    That first poop post-baby is TERRIBLE. I didn’t have a C-Section, but I had a 4th degree laceration. The only thing worse than my son’s delivery, was the pooping across the stitches that happened 2 days after he was born. I got all ‘Blue Lagoon’ about it, and squatted in the bathtub and did lamaze breathing. My husband still shudders at the memory of my pasty, sweaty face waddling back down the hall after. I couldn’t freaking SPEAK for 2 hours after. And the damn rhoids? AAACK!

  50. Sonia on January 28th, 2009 8:36 pm

    Also, I second? Third? That if your book contains this kind of comedy gold, you will be RICH!

  51. Susan on January 28th, 2009 8:37 pm

    I found this post because Zoot linked to it, and my god, if this isn’t the funniest account of gastrointestinal discomfort I’ve ever read. I’m 24 weeks pregnant with my first and experiencing all of the fun you just described. Yet, my giggles stopped when you got to the part about what happens AFTER the baby is born. Help me Lord!

  52. trena on January 28th, 2009 8:48 pm

    So uh, let’s just say hypothetically of course, that you know someone who may still be suffering almost THREE DAMN YEARS LATER after the birth of her child & is trying to work up the courage to call & make an appointment with the Dr. to ‘discuss’ this very subject–do the suppositories really help?!! Again, hypothetically, that seeming like a better solution for my *cough* ‘friend’ *cough* than having to get probed.

  53. Christina on January 28th, 2009 9:01 pm

    Ugh…this reminds me of the months after I had my boy, not hemorrhoids exactly, but I got two great words for you..ANAL FISSURE. OUCH. Miserable f-ing things. Almost a year after I gave birth before it all healed up.

  54. Naomi in Oz on January 28th, 2009 9:05 pm

    4 months after the birth of my last child, bit the bullet and saw a surgeon about having “the Grapes of Wrath” removed. Unfortunately they were too big for banding and required full surgery. The anaesthetist suggested a spinal so that I could be awake for the procedure. Yeah – thats what every woman wants – to be able to make polite conversation while a surgeon has half his han UP YOUR ARSE!! The surgery was fine, the recovery was fine, until I needed to crap. OH MY F*CKING GOD!!!! I have never experienced pain like it. (And I had a 2nd degree tear and no pain relief with both of my births – I thought I knew about pain). Here’s a hint if you ever have to have the surgery. Run a bath of cool water BEFORE you crap. Then, the very millisecond you’ve finished jump in and let the water do it’s thing. Sorry probably TMI, but I feel I have to warn you.

  55. Amy on January 28th, 2009 9:15 pm

    This is going in the book, I hope.

  56. becky on January 28th, 2009 9:59 pm

    oy, dear god, can i relate. like christina i had the dreaded fissure. a year after my son was born i had to have surgery! full on, knock-you-out surgery! involving botox! seriously, i now have the youngest looking arse EVER! at least that is what i remember the nurse telling me as i woke up from the drugs…

  57. Ashleas on January 28th, 2009 10:03 pm

    Unfortunately, I inherited my father’s bowels as well as his looks and entire genetic makeup save for the sex chromosome. I’ve had one at the ripe age of 21 years old, and now keep stool softners, fiber pills and wipes secreted away in my desk drawer here at university. Currently off the fiber because I had a nasty stomach bug or something for a week and am waiting for things to return to normal.

    However, have to agree with the following statement: “That is one of my top 10 reasons for considering adoption.”

    Amen, Sistah. Amen.

    You women who want to squeeze little ones out of your bodies or have: I salute you, you brave, brave women.

  58. squandra on January 28th, 2009 10:35 pm

    I WILL NEVER BREED OMG.

    Also, and this is 100% completely off-topic, unless I guess the topic is GENERAL HORROR, but I can think of no one with whom I’d rather share the C-block story in my newscast tonight:

    http://www.kvue.com/video/index.html?nvid=326475

  59. Jennifer on January 28th, 2009 10:39 pm

    OK so here’s what I think is funny about this story… your title ‘Roid Rage: for years and years I always thought that meant hemorrhoids. I’d read these stories in sports magazines about football players and ‘Roid Rage and I would think, wow, football must be really tough if those poor guys are running around out there with hemorrhoids as well as all those other injuries and muscle aches. So no wonder they are angry and in a rage! Their asses hurt!

    Someone actually had to correct me (geez, at a football party at someone’s house, ugh) and of course took their sweet time, at my expense and lots of party laughter, to say “no Jennifer, Steroids!!

  60. She Likes Purple on January 28th, 2009 11:28 pm

    I’m due next week and I have never (NEVER) wanted to say “AMEN” after reading a post more than this one.

  61. biscuit on January 28th, 2009 11:42 pm

    I’m not trying to rub it in or any thing, but since having a baby, I shit better than I have in my entire life. Not only do I shit more regularly with more volume, but I can also crap in less than a minute. My friends always comment on my quickness. I’m a shit ninja.

    I too had a C section + I shit a couple days later, no issues. They gave me a softener + it worked SO well I should buy stock in it.

  62. Meg on January 28th, 2009 11:58 pm

    Oh dear god, now I am very very afraid for the future. *sobs*

  63. sas on January 29th, 2009 12:12 am

    yeah this whole parenthood thing – you’re not selling it to me

  64. Carol on January 29th, 2009 12:39 am

    Great title! I took Percoset for a few days after my recent surgery and can I just say… oh my… OUCH! And yes, I remember those post-birth hemorrhoids from my first birth almost 25 years ago. That’s something a woman just doesn’t forget!

    Carol

  65. k on January 29th, 2009 1:07 am

    GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

    just, GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

  66. kim on January 29th, 2009 1:30 am

    hilarious…truly laugh out loud funny…

    I had the problem both times – but I remember especially with my 2nd daughter, a nurse came in to check to see if I had the clown balloons – and I SWEAR TO GOD SHE HAD FINGERNAIL LIKE A HOOKER – 2 inches long and bright orange.

    I looked at her and her fingernails and assured her I DID NOT have them, she didn’t need to check – even though at that very moment a full head of cauliflower was springing forth from my ass.

    Shudder.

  67. Liz on January 29th, 2009 1:50 am

    Let’s see if my html-fu works:

    Okay, here’s my embarrassing story I’ve never bothered to mention to anyone before. The day after my daughter’s birth, my doctor told the nurse to give me colace and a double dose of Milk of Mag. I pooped all damn day. I had friends coming to visit and I was scared they wouldn’t be able to come into my room because of the noise and smell. Luckily, my bowels took a break right before my friends showed up.

    But then.

    I woke up in the middle of the night and had to go again. Keep in mind I had just pushed a baby out about 30 hours prior. My muscles down there were DEAD. As soon as I sat up, gravity took over. I pooped all over the bed and floor before I made it to the bathroom. Of all the dignity-killing parts of pregnancy and childbirth, this was BY FAR the worst. But hey, I didn’t have to change my sheets! I should probably see if that nurse is still at the hospital and give her a basket of cookies or something.

  68. Eric's Mommy on January 29th, 2009 5:18 am

    Thank god I never got hemorrhoids when I was pregnant!

    I did have to go through am emergency c-section, which sucks after you have spent hours in labor trying to push out your baby, only to be whisked away to have him carved out. Why wasn’t that done in the first place?!

  69. Tash on January 29th, 2009 5:34 am

    Oh my I think I cracked a rib. You have such a way with words Linda! I remember it all so well – not sure I want to thank you for reminding me, especially as I’m seriously contemplating trying for more kids next year.

    Well written though.

  70. Kelly on January 29th, 2009 5:58 am

    I lied about my bowels moving in the hospital (so I could get the hell outta there)and was richly rewarded for my deceit by a return trip to the ER less than a week after discharge. I had no idea that I was constipated. I thought I was dying.

    The nurses were kind enough to stifle their laughter as they handed me my lemon-lime flavored bottle of intestinal Drano.

  71. Joy on January 29th, 2009 6:01 am

    Ha, ha, ha, ha! Wow. You have perfectly described my wonderful, I mean horrendous, experience with pregnancy, birth and hemorrhoids. I can laugh at it all now, but reading your post today reminds me of the hell that no one tells you about when you are expecting.

  72. heatherf on January 29th, 2009 6:07 am

    Preparation H is the most shoplifted item from drugstores.

    Because no one wants the cashier thinking about their ENGORGED ANAL TISSUE.

  73. Claire on January 29th, 2009 6:25 am

    I found that by eating a shitload of cereal during pregnancy I managed to avoid them. Unfortunately, you cannot avoid wiping other small peoples’ asses for a long time thereafter.

  74. Beth on January 29th, 2009 6:53 am

    Seriously!
    One C-section
    One bottle of pain meds
    One beautiful child
    One asteroid I had to dig out my ass with a fork.

  75. Amity on January 29th, 2009 7:11 am

    Dude, I seriously don’t think I’ve ever laughed so much at a blog post EVAR. I’m sorry that your pain is so humorous to me. I’m sure one day I’ll know that pain and it won’t be quite as funny. I think I’ll print this out to save for just that occasion…

  76. Haitian-American Famiy of Three on January 29th, 2009 7:29 am

    That was freaking awesome. I gasped when I started to read because dude no one talks about the ROID!!! So funny.

  77. Marina on January 29th, 2009 7:43 am

    Haha. I bazillion-th everyone else: hurry up, finish and publish the book already!

    I had the piles-of-doom throughout pregnancy, starting at about 3 months – right in the middle of my 6 month bout with morning sickness. I mean, WTF? I’m not straining anything, because it’s all coming out of my mouth instead, and I still get gigantic balloons? I sent the baby’s father off to buy the cream, and seeing as he was the one who knocked me up and all, persuaded him to apply it twice-daily until about 8 months and I couldn’t roll into position anymore (now I call that almost-just revenge).

    Even with a vag birth, the midwives are still obsessed about BO and PU. After pushing out a 9lber and suffering 2nd degree tears I thought I’d be crapping bricks (ha!) at the thought of… well, crapping bricks, but to be completely honest – after months of constipation (including mistaking five hours of labour for needing to take a really big dump), I was just so overjoyed to perch gingerly on the toilet and have everything come out so gorram easily.

  78. Joan on January 29th, 2009 7:54 am

    I always think your last post was the best post, then you go and write one like this. To freaking funny.

  79. Maxine Dangerous on January 29th, 2009 7:58 am

    That was fanfuckingtastic. :) The stories after your post are also priceless. Reaaaaally glad pregnancy is nowhere on the horizon for me. If babies weren’t so squishy and full of cute nomness, our species would die out QUICKLY. :)

    (Also, and I speak from experience, when one needs… erm… “back-end aids” and doesn’t want to face the cashier/pharmacist, drugstore.com is a great place to shop. :))

  80. Amy M. on January 29th, 2009 8:16 am

    Hilarious! Luckily, I didn’t have ‘roids, but I had an inguinal (sp?) hernia – the kind men usually get. Yeah, that tore in childbirth! Thanks, kids!

  81. Jessi on January 29th, 2009 8:28 am

    Oh dear, I’m pregnant with my first (halfway done!) and this is my fear.

    Not childbirth.

  82. Kalisa on January 29th, 2009 8:44 am

    You are a font of good information. I hope pregnant ladies who do online research for this find themselves HERE.

  83. Dana on January 29th, 2009 8:46 am

    Jessi,

    Childbirth should be your fear, as well. It was no picnic in the park.

  84. Brenda on January 29th, 2009 9:04 am

    It’s like when the dental hygienist asks if you’ve flossed when the nurse asks about your bowel movement. They know we lie-why do they ask??
    I don’t know how to tell you, but my youngest is 11 and I still get occasional clown balloons.
    You SO need to write a pregnancy guide–don’t forget that no one tells you that stretch marks start out purple. I had seen my mom’s but they were a silver kind of color-nothing to freak about, then mine was purple–I thought I was splitting!!

  85. Frondly on January 29th, 2009 9:10 am

    I had ‘em even BEFORE pregnancy, and I made the mistake of looking up the symptoms on Web MD. If you haven’t done that, you should, because there are sexual diseases I guarantee you have never even heard of, but according to Web MD and your symptoms HOLY CRAP YOU HAVE THEM ALL.

  86. heidi on January 29th, 2009 9:21 am

    This is too funny. I think seeing the roid was scarier to my hubby than seeing the childbirth :)
    You know it’s true love baby!!!

  87. Kate on January 29th, 2009 9:31 am

    completely unrelated, but I thought you’d enjoy this story:

    http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,484326,00.html

  88. Donna on January 29th, 2009 10:25 am

    For the rest of the day I will have Johnny Cash singing ring of fire in my head.
    “And it burns burns burns, that ring of fire, that ring of fire”, and if you think about the lyrics, hmmmm? Did he have kids yet? Was this an ode to his wife? Things that make you go hmm.

  89. Piecemeal People on January 29th, 2009 10:31 am

    I didn’t have hemorrhoids OR a C-section, but lordy – “a quick game of double dutch.” That’s the second-funniest thing I’ve heard today!

    (The first was my three-year-old telling me, when he couldn’t push the lever down after using the potty, “I think the toilet needs new batteries.”)

  90. Trenches of Mommyhood on January 29th, 2009 10:52 am

    Thanks for the memories. NOT.

  91. heather on January 29th, 2009 11:57 am

    ok, so i’ve never procreated, nor have i had the roids, but this was a funny, funny entry (perhaps it was funny BECAUSE i’ve never had the roids. but still….).

  92. karen on January 29th, 2009 12:00 pm

    Me – age 61
    Kid – age 32
    Roids – age 32

  93. Amy on January 29th, 2009 12:23 pm

    I’ve actually looked with a hand mirror.

  94. Dina on January 29th, 2009 12:59 pm

    While I never suffered from ‘roids while pregnant- I did have a c-section and suffered through constipation. It got so bad, and I was in SUCH agony from the gas that I actually had the nurse shove a suppository up my rear… I couldn’t do it myself, of course, being completely doubled over due to the abdominal staples and all- so a nurse had to do it. Thank GOD she didn’t make a big deal out of it, but I swear it was one of the lowest points in my life.

  95. Melissa on January 29th, 2009 1:02 pm

    I love that your entire post was devoted to this. I managed to avoid the roids through pregnancy but not through birth. Took as many tubs of witch hazel pads as I could from the hospital so I wouldn’t have to go to Walgreens.

  96. Artemisia on January 29th, 2009 1:06 pm

    I can’t believe I am about to proclaim this about a post of all things poop, but: BEST. POST. EVER.

  97. Jen on January 29th, 2009 1:11 pm

    Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh Linda……. LOL!!!!!!!

  98. Jilian on January 29th, 2009 1:19 pm

    No babies for me yet but I was unfortunate enough to have hemorrhoids as a kid. A little kid. Not sure why but I refused to poop. Which of course led to problems, and suppositories, and foam medicated shots up my arse. I remember it well. For years. Of course since I refused to poop – when I finally did it hurt like hell and I refused to do it again. (I tell my mom now everything would have been better if she’d just made me drink coffee!)

    Tucks. These have been a staple in my house every since I can remember. We wiped with them after every #2 – to make sure we were all clean :) Seriously – I’m not ashamed – they are soothing. I recommend it highly. I guess the gimmick now is selling moist cottonelle wipes – but Tucks work way better and are probably cheaper :) (The only other house I’ve EVER been in with Tucks on the back of every toilet seat – even the guest one downstairs – was a DR’s house)

    Funny story – on a vacation a couple years ago we had 20 or so friends staying in a house. My mom was on the trip also so there was said Tucks in one of the bathrooms. Well a year after the vacation my friend admits to me she thought it was a container of face wipes – and cleaned her face – then realized it was ‘butt wipes’! haha. Honestly though, ‘witch hazel’ is great for treating acne, so they are multi-purpose :)

  99. Anna on January 29th, 2009 1:31 pm

    You speak to me.

    Preach it!

  100. Pete on January 29th, 2009 1:46 pm
  101. Allie on January 29th, 2009 1:48 pm

    And this… this right here is another reason why I can tell people WHY I’m never having kids. I don’t want ‘Roids!! lol

  102. MRW on January 29th, 2009 2:16 pm

    Oh god I’m four months pregnant with my second and this caused me to laugh so hard I’m afraid I may have suffered the other side effect of having a child – slight incontinence. Still worth the read though.

  103. Mary Helen on January 29th, 2009 3:14 pm

    OMG you are hilarious. With my first daughter, I was on bedrest for almost three months, then had the pain killers and didn’t know enough to take stool softeners. I delivered vaginally and the nurses never asked me if I “moved my bowels.” I ended up in the emergency room the day after I came home — missing Emma’s first visit to the pediatrician — having not one, not two, but three enemas (and some *ahem* “assistance” from a nurse). It was WAY worse that delivering Emma.

    With the second pregnancy I was OBSESSED with pooping. I’m pretty sure I drove my doctor nuts at every single visit. Everything went much more smoothly, so to speak heh, but I ended up with the lovely little souvenirs anyway.

    And yes, they come back. Even 14 months later, they come back.

  104. Stephanie on January 29th, 2009 3:28 pm

    Sometimes I think I’ll DIE if I don’t get to have a baby soon, then I read about stuff like this and I’m all “I, uh, can wait…yeah, no rush, or anything.”

  105. shriek house on January 29th, 2009 3:46 pm

    The only thing worse than passing The Brick post-childbirth is passing OUT on the toilet at your friend’s house while pregnant and having an entire fire department & ambulance show up to rescue you. Yep, speaking from experience.

  106. E. on January 29th, 2009 5:51 pm

    Unrelated zombie link from gizmodo that I thought you would appreciate:

    http://i.gizmodo.com/5141800/hacked-construction-signs-warn-of-zombie-attack-in-austin

  107. Mom101 on January 29th, 2009 8:05 pm

    Oh bless you woman. Bless you.

  108. Kristin on January 29th, 2009 10:52 pm

    Oh this post brought up memories for me when I was in Spain a few years back dealing with a lack of fiber in my vacationing diet. I had to go to the pharmacy and REQUEST Preparation H from the pharmacy tech in spanish…when I didn’t speak Spanish. There just isn’t a good hand-motion for those clown balloons I tell ya… Good thing the Spanglish word “hemorrhoidos” did the trick!

    Thanks for the good laugh today. :-)

  109. Tela on January 30th, 2009 9:36 am

    And your not writing a book why?

    If you can write an entire post on this topic and we can all find it hilarious, can relate to it and still wanting more then you will be a hit in no time flat with a book. Doesn’t matter what you write about!

    Go for it Linda!

  110. Angela @ Lost In Splendor on January 30th, 2009 10:08 am

    How in my five years of blogging have I never come across this site? This post was hysterical. I am subscribing.

  111. Debbie on January 30th, 2009 10:27 am

    I came here from Five Star Friday, and yes-indeedy, it’s Five Stars!! I’m not a Mom, but I laughed ’til I cried!

    Clown Balloons!! Oh my, maybe that’s why so many people think clowns are creepy!

  112. victoria on January 30th, 2009 10:44 am

    Wow, you really touched a nerve with this one, Linda.

  113. schmutzie on January 30th, 2009 2:11 pm
  114. Parkingathome on January 30th, 2009 3:40 pm

    AMEN!

    This should be a chapter in “What you didn’t expect when you were expecting: The ‘fuck you’ pregnancy”

  115. Missie on January 30th, 2009 10:42 pm

    I am sitting here hunched over, crying because I am laughing so hard. My husband thinks I have officially crossed the line from “kinda quirky” to “full-on Whitney Houston kahrazy!” now. All thanks to your post about a most…personal subject.

    Thanks for the laughs, I needed a good ab workout tonight. It’s like your our own public service.

  116. vickey on January 31st, 2009 12:57 pm

    I hope you are still reading comments…
    I didn’t read all of them, so I’m not sure if anyone mentioned fish oil as the Miracle Supplement of pregnancy. Not only will it keep things moving during pregnancy, but I was scared to death of the first post-partum poop, & I swear to God it was absolutely fine thanks to the fish oil. As an added plus, your kid will be smarter, you will be less depressed, & sunshine will follow you wherever you go.
    Best of luck with your butt-hole.

  117. Leah on January 31st, 2009 3:32 pm

    Simon was kind enough to inform me that I had the pregnancy ‘roids because he saw them while I was giving birth. I still don’t believe him (I certainly didn’t feel anything) and he was too horrified to take pictures. Probably for the best. I had my trauma, he had his. The end.

  118. Kate on January 31st, 2009 6:54 pm

    I just had my son a month ago and I am not kidding when I say the ‘roids were worse than actually giving birth. At least the ring of fire was gone after he came out – my butt was on fire for DAYS ON END!

  119. Gail on February 2nd, 2009 8:50 am

    After c-section #2, I also fibbed a bit about the existence of a bm while at the hospital. Upon arriving home and after moving about a little too much,I definitely needed to go, so I headed for the bathroom. I sat down and for some reason, shifted my weight a little, and immediately, my ass was pinched in the broken toilet seat! My (now ex) husband had the guys over the night before I got home and one of them had broken the seat. Screaming doesn’t begin to describe the sound I made along with the expletives. So not only did I end up with ‘roids the size of Christmas ornaments, but also a blood blister on my butt from the pinch. Good times!

  120. iamthediva on February 2nd, 2009 11:59 am

    oh my god, i laughed out loud.
    Brilliant!!
    Came over via Five Star Friday!

  121. pippa on February 2nd, 2009 3:40 pm

    Besides the fact that I laughed ’til I cried (WITH you… always WITH you!), should any poor human come here looking for advice for after a c-section, it is TELL THE NURSES YOU CANNOT GO. They will give you a plethora of medication (including a suppository, but if you’ve experienced that post-c-section BM, a suppository is the least of your concerns) that will, ahem, ASSIST with the process. Much better. Only made that mistake ONCE.

  122. Ken on February 5th, 2009 9:23 pm

    Oh My God, you women are such a pain in the butt and everything in child birth is so sweet. I have 9 children and I delivered most of them myself and I didn’t get a single Hemroid, I have two twin little turds, one little poop head, three little stinkers and 1 big a-hole of a son, butt no hermroids, Yall are just so lucky, I want to try again butt my wife said no. I just don’t understand. how could this be! Mabey I was saving the wrong part of the afterbirth or what. Does anyone know.

  123. Merrily on February 6th, 2009 1:09 pm

    Oh jeezus that is the funniest thing I EVER read and so dang accurate it’s scary. Congrats on your ROFL at Oh, The Joys.

  124. Christy on February 7th, 2009 10:00 am

    I too had a C-Section. While I was incredibly fortunate enough to have help at home after we left the hospital, they all seemed to flee the building when I suddenly needed to poo.

    Yeah, I had my first “Shitting a Brick” moment with a screaming newborn right outside my door. My milk let down at that very moment too. Fun times.

    WHY can’t you find that in any pregnancy book?

  125. Leah on February 8th, 2009 7:29 am

    Oh, the memories! I was able to shock even the postpartum nurse with the size of those lovelies after the birth of my first. Since my babies prefer to come out sunny-side-up the result is particularly horrifying. In fact, after my second was born I had to call the doc to discuss them since one giant one had actually *detached* itself. It warranted a call to the OB’s office.

    “Um, yeah, well see I just wanted to know if it’s normal to have a hemmoroid fall off….no, I don’t mean that it just bled. I mean the whole giant thing CAME OFF when I was, you know, treating it….Yes, I’ll hold while you check with the doctor.”

    Apparently this is one other thing they don’t tell you about. Frankly, it was like another little birth. It was too big to be lodged there, it hurt for a bit, it bled, but you’re glad when it’s over!

  126. Sarah on February 8th, 2009 9:05 pm

    I never would have found you if not for Mom-101 and so glad I did. Thanks for the tears of laughter and recognition-probably a bad word to use in this situation, could be tear or tear :) I’ll be back!

  127. Cher on February 16th, 2009 8:09 pm

    I learned the hard way…don’t overdose on milk of magnesia after giving birth. I practically threw my sweet newborn at my mom and still managed to totally poop my pants. That was the nastiest mess I’ve had to clean up in my life!

  128. jessica @pianomomsicle on February 24th, 2009 8:29 pm

    Congrats on your ROFL. i found you via Mom-101 via Oh the joys :)
    Seriously.
    9 lbs, 9 oz baby boy. Delivery was a snap, thanks to the epidural.
    i was crying, screaming, groaning, and figuring out suicide maneuvers during the 5 HOURS over the course of 8 hours that it took me 4 days after my son was born to “deliver” a mess of nastiness that i distinctly remember resembling the monkey heads in that Indiana Jones movie. i drank the cranberry juice, i took the stool softeners.
    Seriously, worst pain of my mother-fuggin life. i warn all my preggo friends: “Take laxatives in secret at the hospital after your baby is born. Your nurse would be mad at you, but i promise it’s worth it!”
    My second baby?
    Peri-colace within hours after she was born. First poo within 36 hours, and this time i didn’t throw up from the pain. Bonus.
    My daughter will always be my secret favorite because of it.

  129. Yeast Infections Chronic on October 9th, 2009 9:36 am

    You never can be too careful with a subject like this people need to take notice.

  130. Merrill on September 18th, 2014 6:54 pm

    I read a lot of interesting content here. Probably you spend a lot of time writing, i know how
    to save you a lot of time, there is an online tool that creates readable, SEO friendly articles in minutes, just search in google – laranitas free content source

Leave a Reply