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Sep
14
Sometimes I think why can’t you just stop and
be
in this moment
stop
just
stop
and be here
all of your attention
and sometimes I feel like screaming because
there are two of them
and I
can’t no matter how hard I
try but
let’s not lie
sometimes I don’t
try as hard as
I should
Sometimes when I’m at work I
want to be home and sometimes when I’m home I
want to be at work
or at least somewhere
with adults
and the luxury
of not doing the eight million things
I wish I didn’t have to do when I am
doing them
that I wish I were able to do
when I am
not
Sometimes
I don’t feel particularly
good at
any of my
jobs
Sometimes I feel so restless and
bored and
I wish I could just
leave
go to the
bookstore or the
wherever
without the back and forth and the favors and the tick tick ticking clock while I’m gone
and the moment I see
someone else’s child when I’m on my own I
feel guilty and sad and I miss them and
sometimes when I get home I think how I just want to
leave
all over
again
Sometimes I tell myself over and over that it will be easier when they’re
older
and isn’t that nice how I am
wishing away these years I will never
ever
get back
This weekend I felt like I was pacing in my
life like a zoo animal
trapped and wild-eyed
and I was frustrated with one child for being
well
the short story is
for being 19 months old
and I was angry with the other child for
refusing to eat and he started whining and something in me gave way
all at once
like a rotted old barn
and I reached out and grabbed his shirt and pulled him
howling
across the kitchen bench and yanked him to his feet and
my voice was
it was
(I don’t even want to remember)
so loud
and all I wanted in that moment was for him to feel
just as miserable as I did
I could have
slapped him
until my hand ached
(I did not)
and it was all over
some
fucking
chicken
later when I could
breathe I
realized that if I’d felt trapped
before
by neediness and fussing and the confines of parenthood
that was nothing compared to the feeling of
knowing
exactly
what kind of person you are capable
of being
and you can’t take it back
(you can say you are sorry)
(but you can’t)
(go back)
(and make it unhappen)
I felt like one of those Russian dolls where every successively smaller part of me was
held inside
another and they were all
ugly
broken and
terrible
Sometimes I am lifted by them
scattered in the air like a million spinning dandelion seeds
blown by my child
(who calls them
candle flowers)
and sometimes I am held fast to the earth
counting the minutes
until I can escape
everything I hold closest to my heart
I am ashamed that
sometimes I turn on the TV because I just want them to
shut
up
Sometimes it seems relentless
and I can only see the side of the coin with the
drudgery
like that which I am most proud of
is a jail sentence that goes on and on and
oh what a
fucked up
way to look at it
because the other side
is indescribable
in its beauty
and if you must endure one to be gifted with the other
such is
life
Sometimes these bad moments feel
consuming
but sometimes
(most of the time)
(most of you understand)
they are not
Comments
194 Responses to “Through it and out the other side”
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Loving, Lately
JR Watkins Vanilla is my new favorite body lotion. Love the smell, love the way it feels, love the awesome label design.
I may have mentioned it once or twice, but Breaking Bad is the best thing that has ever happened to television EVER. You should watch it right now.
Bob Book Series
Riley has honestly learned to read as a result of these little box sets. Cannot recommend enough.
This applesauce bread from Allrecipes is superfast, supereasy, and the kids love it (I leave out the spices).
Those days can seem endless but do go by fast and believe it or not one day you will wish them back.
Thank you, Thank you! It is so comforting to realize that even you, who seems so perfect to me, can sometimes lose it. Now I don’t feel so bad about the times when it sometimes happens to me!
Linda – that was so touching…you are such a talented writer.
“and all I wanted in that moment was for him to feel/just as miserable as I did”
It is too often like that of us too. And I wonder, what kind of a person punishes a child for being a child?
We are all thrashing around, trying to figure this out, trying to figure ourselves out. And no one told us how hard it could be.
Powerful writing!
I hope you (all) have a better week.
Wow! That was amazing… you have put into words what I feel myself. Thank you! I know I’m not alone in this motherhood journey. But when someone else can put what you are thinking so eloquently it makes me realize I’m not the only one with these feeling. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’m sure that was really hard to write.
My husband doesn’t understand why I read so many blogs — this is why. So I know I’m not alone in these feelings.
Yes Yes Yes to each and every word. Do you live in my head?
Yes Linda, we absolutely, with every cell in our bodies, understand.
Exactly. It’s nice to know that maybe I’m not the only one that feels this way sometimes. I feel sometimes like I am wasting away the best times of my life because I get frustrated. He’s only 2 1/2. I need to understand that better. Please help me understand that better…
Perfect description of my weekend! Thanks for allowing us to read your poetry!
Very good and very true you hit the nail on the head again. I don’t know about everyone but I sure have been there done that and I feel the same way at times like that, thank you.
Thank you for being so honest and for expressing so beautifully all the emotions of motherhood. It’s soooo hard and I’m glad that I’m not the only one that feels that way.
We must have had the same exact weekend.
Oh, I do understand.
Wow. Thank you for writing that. I feel like it should be printed and framed and hung in my brain.
Jesus Christ, were you in my head and my house this weekend?
*trying not to cry at work*
I do understand, completely and utterly to the core of my being.
This has been my life for a few weeks and I’m still searching for the magic solution that will help me find the light at the end of the tunnel. The one that will tell remind me more often of the other side of the coin.
I understand. MUAH!
I think we could be friends.
Thank you for putting this into words. And the feeling of “that voice” and the look on your childrens faces…oh how I hate it and feel so awful afterwards. So nice to hear another mom admit to her imperfections.
This is my first time commenting…this post is EXACTLY why I keep reading.
Thank you for this.
Yes. I understand.
I understand. What you wrote? That was a perfect distillation of what goes on in my own head and heart nearly daily. Thank you.
Amen!
exactly
For about the 50 million-th time you’ve put what I think into words. Thank you so much for this post.
You MAY have just put a little tear in my eye. Just a little teeny one.
It is so hard sometimes, isn’t it? I have two under 28 months and sometimes (rarely, but still…) I yell so loud it scares me. Retrospectively, it makes me feel like shit. Thanks for understanding and sharing.
Wow – if only I could say it so eloquently. I feel exactly the same way, thanks for making me feel like I am not the only one stuck in what some days feels like hell.
It’s been said already … but
Exactly.
I understand. Oh, how I understand.
I hate myself when I yell. It shouldn’t make me feel better that you messed up too, but it does and I sincerely thank you so much for sharing this and reminding me that I’m not the only one who messes up and that the other side of the coin is absolutely beautiful and magical. Feel better.
well, shit, here I am crying at lunch time, while my 3 little ones are counting cheese cubes instead of eating them.
I share with the other commenters- it’s like you were in my head. I beat myself up every day for not being kind enough, patient enough, understanding enough…all the while I feel like my ‘real’ life is on hold while I do everything for my kids. Some days I can hardly imagine the next 15, 18, 20 years of my life. Some days it feels like… well, like you said, a jail sentence. How can I raise my children like this? I wonder if I need to be medicated.
I need a hug. So do you all.
I understand and I don’t even have children. You are an amazing writer, Linda, and the fact that you let all of us into your heart is generous and cathartic for all. As a matter of fact, your words often make me want to be a mother, even these. Because I know that though it is the most difficult job of all, if it made me a stronger and more intuitive person, as it seemingly has made you, then the reward is worth it.
I’ve met my Russian dolls and they are not pretty.
Thanks for writing this.
Oh Linda, I understand.
Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I hated the mom I was on Sunday, but it helps so much to know I’m not alone, and that it’s okay, and that we just have to keep trying.
Thank you so much for your honesty Linda.
Beautiful — and thank you for articulating the honest truth of how much love and pain can exist in the same head/heart at the exact same moment in time.
It really can be a soul sapping job to care for humans. The wife, mother, bringing home a paycheck to a nest you dearly love but feel you out to be paid MORE to even walk through your front door given all that awaits you on the other side. MY GOD do I understand.
I also find it particularly taxing on my whole being to mother correctly for a boy. It seems everything involving the Y Chromosome is kicked up a few million notches leaving me in a tailspin of despair, vexation, unfathomable love & broken record of OMG STOP IT NOW, now! NOW! STOP, hold on, one sec, BE PATIENT!
There are so many joyous peaks in my day but almost just as many seconds that are equally frustrating. I hate myself for sometimes having that heart dropping trepidation when I hear his RAGE filled scream after a nap to be picked up. Then it melts away when I see how happy he is to see me.
GOD. Emotions, too many of them.
Not to utterly geek out on you, but a quote from Steinbeck always stuck with me and I apply it to motherhood: “A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us.”
I hope your spirits are lifted soon :)
AMEN. You have such a way with words. I think you just said what millions of working moms go through daily.
Thank you!!! Its so nice to know I’m not alone, you have wrote exactly how i’ve been feeling lately.
Me too, man. Keep on keepin’ on.
OMG, I must frame this because like others said, it was like you were in my head too. I am constantly telling myself to be in the moment, we will blink and they will be gone, but I have such a hard time actually doing it. You put it so well. Thank you for your honesty. It feels good to not be alone.
Thank you for your post today. I have been feeling exactly like this lately. Your words “This weekend I felt like I was pacing in my
life like a zoo animal trapped and wild-eyed” describe how I am feeling right now. Thank you for your honesty and ability to put your feelings into words.
I hear you sista and we had a Sunday like this and I kept trying to be less angry and more glad and I struggled and I did not succeed each time but I did most of the time but OH my I know how you feel.
Our Saturday ended with my 9 year old saying that if she had to make a list of the worst days of her life, Saturday would be at the top. It was all because we were trying to clean the house after a long stressful week of working and the kids just wanted our attention after a long week of school and daycare. This is the reality of parenthood and it affects the kids, but they bounce back and we bounce back until we do it all over again. I have been thinking how often parenthood has pointed out how very selfish we (and by we I mean me) can be. It’s nice to know others are feeling and experiencing this too.
I love how you can put into words the feelings we “normal” mom’s have. Thanks for being so real.
Beautiful, true.
Eerily familiar.
BOOKMARKED.
Thank you.
Thank you. (working mom to two – 4 yrs and 8 months).
DITTO.
And in the end it toally makes you a better Mom. Don’t you think?
Beautiful. I was holding my breath as I read that entire piece…I imagine that’s pretty much how you felt while going through it all. I hope you can breathe easier now.
*hugs*
Linda,
Thank you for writing this. I’m not a parent (yet), but I am sure the day will come when I can and will relate.
I have been reading you for years, and have come to love and appreciate everything you create. I can say I will be one of the first to buy your book when it is published.
I also follow you on Twitter, and have noticed since the Dooce/Maytag issue that a lot of your tweets are dripping in frustration, anger, and annoyance. Now I understand why.
Do you think you would ever consider taking a break from all of your jobs (work, family, writing) just to get away and enjoy a little rest and relaxation ALONE? That might be exactly what you need.
I hope you find peace soon, even if it’s just for a moment.
Exactly.
Remarkable. What a beautiful, painful thing to read because I’ve been there too. So often. We all have. Thank you for sharing in this way. You truly have a gift.
Thank you for the amazing feeling of relief you just gave me – letting me know that I am not the only one who feels this way. I knew that other moms got frustrated but it was almost always expressed in a comical way which made me feel bad for feeling JUST THIS WAY somedays. Thank you thank you thank you.
My son is 16, I wish those day’s back all the time. In less than two months he will be 17. In less than one slight blink he will be out in the world…gone. And no matter how many times I go to the bookstore I will not come back home to him.
I don’t even have kids, and I thought that was extremely touching. Keep up the awesome writing!
Been, there done that, got the T-Shirt…
but
There is not one way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one.
and
look at the good ways (lessons) you taught your boys.
- we all lose it sometimes
- that doesn’t take away the intense love we have for people we love
- good, smart people reflect (we don’t take the time to do this enough in our society)
- busy lives, trying to shove a lot in, are cool
- so is calm quiet times.
Your boys are luck to have you as a mom.
Right on Sister, that was absolutely amazing!
I’m not alone. That’s why I read your blog. Because you say some of the things that I don’t even say to my husband. You have moments that I have had and I know that I’m not alone. And when those moments happen, I feel so awful afterwards. And I look at my son, who I adore and I think how could I let myself get that upset? And yet in the moment it can all be just so hard. Every whine and complaint just pile on. The eating is a big one. But we’ve had issues about getting dressed in the morning. And cleaning up our toys. Thank you. Thank you for sharing. It means a lot.
I hear you. No really…I HEAR YOU. Because, I’m living it and I know and it’s hard but so good at the same time and wow…it’s just a lot sometimes.
*sigh* yup.
Yep, the guilt is really the worst of it all. I totally understand.
Just cried. Thank you.
Spot on. I lay in bed last night, feeling guilty for not being a better, more “present” mother. Anyway, before I dissolve into a puddle of tears, YES. I UNDERSTAND.
Now we all need a group hug.
I have no idea if this will help at all, however,when I was in the 2nd grade I wore this horrible icky brown dress. It was so worn it had began to develop holes in it. I wore it with long pants underneath so I could be a tomboy without showing off my underwear.
One day my mother asked me to take the dress off as I had been wearing it for three days straight. And I wouldn’t. I would.not.
My mother snapped that day and yanked me to a standing position, got down right in my face and bellared to me that she was going to rip that FUCKING DRESS OFF MY BODY if I didn’t take if off RIGHT NOW.
And I did. No questions asked.
Looking back I realize I learned right on the spot that I knew just how far to push my mother and she could if pressed roar just as loud and long as my father.
You are a great mom Linda. You really are. Maybe next time your son will learn to eat his chicken:)
I’m putting this on my fridge. It will make me want to be a better mom… and when I’m not, I will know that I’m not the only one who is struggling.
Super poem.
I find this perfect. Even in my comparably solitary life, I find myself pacing, invisible tail thwacking the bars. Deep breaths…the air is getting cooler and that seems to help.
Amen. You basically just wrote exactly what I am feeling these days.
Thanks for the words.
I sometimes feel that I can almost see my life force being consumed in order to ‘power’ my children. I want nothing more than to give them a good launch in this world. But it’s a little appalling to know how much of my energy and life goes into them.
Wow. I’m there too.
THANK YOU for reminding me I am NOT the only one who feels this way sometimes. (unlike some of the preschool moms who insist their child is the perfect cherub and never misbehaves, therefore there must be something horribly wrong with me and my children!)
This post totally made me cry. That could be because I’m already having a pretty rough day. But I’d like to think that it is because you have caught all the emotions just perfectly. We all feel like terrible mothers sometimes and your writing really helps me realize I’m not a terrible mother. I’m a normal mother just trying her hardest.
Were you at my house this weekend? Because it was fucking relentless, and I wanted to scream. Instead, I laughed in mockery at my kids’ misery. It was either that or run far far away.
Then last night, I got the biggest, fattest hug and I love you, Mommy from my oldest after my youngest nuzzled her face into my chest and voluntarily gave me a kiss, which she NEVER does.
Sometimes, I think that coin is actually 6 sided.
It’s all been said but I will say it again: You must have been living in my own head and heart when you wrote that.
Yes. I understand.
Thank you.
I feel like I am not able to devote 100% to any of my jobs: mother, wife, daughter, friend, CPA. Man, I feel so guilty all the time. It’s ‘nice’ to know that I’m not the only one. You are not the only one.
You rock.
This is an important piece of work, lady.
I love this. I loved this writing. You must have been in my head… just able to express it perfectly.
Yes, yes, and yes. Thank you for this. God I’m so glad you write about this stuff, reminding us that it’s OK to be human.
Thank you, this made me tear up. You are so honest in your writing. I love that you share the bad moments as well as the good. The yanking the kid across the bench and yelling? I’ve been there too many times, wanting to make my kid feel just as rotten as I do, knowing that it’s wrong, but not caring at the moment. I told my daughter this weekend, to “shut the hell up already”. I felt rotten. But I feel better now that I’m reminded that we all get to this point.
Yeah… just… yeah. This is pretty much me in a nutshell. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone!
I’m the mother of two small children too. One has autism, and wow, what you wrote is so right on.
Yup, that’s pretty much it. Exactly.
Never has there been a post more perfectly suited or more desperately needed for how I’m feeling. Being a mom is 40 kajillion times harder than I ever thought it would be.
thank you for your honesty and your amazingly powerful way with words.
I had no idea there were so many women that felt this way, I thought I was the only one. Yes, yes and yes, this morning I was feeling so fucking guilty because I rushed through booktime last night with my 3 1/2 year old because I was tired, wanted to get her to bed ASAP and because I hate doing it. There I said it, I HATE READING TO HER BEFORE BED. I hate working, but I hate being home with her sometimes too. It’s so fucking hard.
Me too.
Some days it’s like I am separate from my body, watching in horror at what I spew out on the tiny people I love more than anything. And I lay in bed every night counting the ways I fucked it up that day and praying I am not leaving permanent scars.
Praying my children don’t grow up to lay in bed talking about me to their spouses the way I lay in bed and talk about my parents to my spouse.
So yeah, me too.
Thank you. Just, thank you. If only I could have read this yesterday.
Christ, sitting at my desk wiping my eyes. This is why we all read to so-called “mommy blogs.” Thanks, Linda.
Of course we understand. Even though I love being a mom more than anything in the world, there have been times when I have, uhhh, yelled. At my infant. For not sleeping. Nice, right? YELLING AT AN INFANT.
I shudder to think of the patience-draining toddler years. I sure hope I can grow a little more by then. Thank GOD they’re cute and loved and adorable. THANK GOD.
You described my weekend in a way that I could never even begin to–hadn’t even tried to look at it with such clarity. Tragic and beautiful. The life of a mother. You are beyond awesome.
This is beautiful and heartbreaking all at once.
It also could’ve been just as aptly called:
“Parenthood”.
Thanks again for giving words to what I think most of us feel.
Great post…you said it all. Mommy guilt, Mourning the loss of yourself as an individual and never being able to feel that we do anything 100%. Ain’t Motherhood grand?
Thank You.
Just hours ago, I tried (and failed) to handle my daughter’s WORST temper tantrum EVER while in the middle of a shopping center.
Can’t tell you how perfectly the words fit my day.
Great format.
And that pretty much sums up all my fears and what I look forward to about having children of my own. I guess the ambivalence never goes away, then?
thank you for your candor. looks like we all can relate to your sentiments. it’s like we strive – not to be perfect – but to be even, stable, patient, and okay with this lot that is bringing up children. every. single. blessed. day.
Linda,
True words, and I’m sure those who can relate are parents. Children take you to that threshold many times more often than not. I ask myself sometimes, how can someone so small teach me so much about myself? Amazing really. It is challenging not to react, challenging to even observe yourself in the moment of the reaction, not to be overtaken by the reaction. You write and say how we feel, what we think about ourselves. Your writing is powerful. In those moments I ask myself to breathe, have some mercy for myself. I know that I’am a loving and good mother, like I know you are a loving and good mother. When you know better, you can do better. Your children intuitively know this. I’m sure like my children your children are forgiving and as loving as their mother. Thank you, Nicole
This touched me, deeply. Thank you.
Deb hit the nail on the head. I think I can live with myself as long as I don’t parent the way I was parented.
As a mom of an older child, I remember those toddler years vividly. Your words brought them right back to me. I think it’s unfair to beat yourself up for wanting these hard days to go faster, and for moms of older kids to guilt you for it. Every single day, good or bad, has the same amount of minutes in it.
I promise you it does get much, much better. And I can’t wait to read what you write about those better days as well.
It is indeed a design feature to make them so fucking cute and inclined to love you even if you scream like a banshee. Even though I know she still loves me, I wish I hadn’t shouted so much this weekend.
My most recent stellar parenting moment ended with this quote, (imagine it in all caps, eye level with an almost 3yo) “If you ever crap on my floor again I am going to beat the tar out of you.”
Candle flowers…what a perfect description! I’m totally stealing that.
Wonderfully stated. Been there and back more times than I care to admit with my own three…hang in there!
How did you see right inside my heart?
Yes. Exactly that.
Man, that was terrific.
I remember telling myself all the things that I would not (and would) be. I would not be a screamer. But then there are days, more often than I like to admit, when I am just that. It’s good for us all to take a step back and realize that we are only human. They will forgive us much more easily than we will forgive ourselves.
I am very sad at your dismay. Soon may they be at better ages you enjoy more or maybe be something parttime out of the house would make the “bad/frustrating moments” more tolerable and less consuming and you would be able to Appreciate All that your most proud item can deliver/ good luck
Amazing piece. I hope it goes in your book.
Pumps fist is air! Right on sistah!
There..
good God woman. are you TRYING to make me cry??
you are Every Mom.
you are the honest voice of motherhood.
you are strong and courageous because you SAY the things the rest of us only THINK.
you make me Not Alone in the whole being-a-mom-is-the-best/worst-thing-i’ve-ever-done thing.
anyone who says differently is a LIAR.
I love you and think we could be best friends. Not because I’m a weird stalker but mostly because you just read my mind.
I mostly want to say: Get Published Now. (I realize this blog is being published–but I think you need a BIGGER audience.)
Not the first time you’ve brought me to tears, Linda, but the first time I’ve been just open-mouthed SHOCKED at how you can write what I feel. This part, since no one else has pointed it out yet, let’s highlight:
—–
Sometimes I feel so restless and
bored and
I wish I could just
leave
go to the
bookstore or the
wherever
without the back and forth and the favors and the tick tick ticking clock while I’m gone
and the moment I see
someone else’s child when I’m on my own I
feel guilty and sad and I miss them and
sometimes when I get home I think how I just want to
leave
all over
again
yes.
Yes. Just, yes.
thank you
Linda – I feel exactly the same way. Every single line and word. You are not alone in how you feel and I’m grateful you have the balls to put that out there because I feel like a lot of moms are scared to admit these feelings. Being a mother is frighteningly complex and brutal. The tone you used and regretted, the anger, everything….it actually was a relief to read this. Thank you. Seriously – thank you.
Thank you for this!!! You help me feel normal!
Yeah, when someone says I’m a good mom, I think to myself, “But you don’t see me when the toddler is screaming and the preschooler is whining and I LOSE it.” But we love them and they love us, and, in the end, these aren’t the things we’ll remember from this time. But that doesn’t make it any easier in the moment.
I’ve read this several times over the course of today and, though I don’t usually comment, I just had to say thank you for writing this. I share custody with my son’s dad and oh my god I miss him so terribly and I have a physical ache when he’s gone. He’s 2 years old and oh my god, is he so 2. This morning when I was dropping him off at daycare, I snapped and yelled at him because he was just whining, whining, whining about dropping his Thomas the Train and he wanted a cookie and I was late and it was all so frustrating. But now I feel like a total asshole and I just want to hug him and hold him, but I won’t see him until Sunday. When I get him back next week, he won’t remember, but I will. And all I can do is hope to remember this poem and not feel so alone and overwhelmed next time. Every day I can try to be better, to have more patience. Some days it’s just a lot fucking harder than others.
Wow – I don’t think I’ve ever heard my feelings so well expressed by someone else. I have two boys also – one turned 4 last week and one is 21 months, so I definitely get it.
Oh and BTW, I’m a stay at home mom and lately I wish I was back at work. When I was still working (before #2 was born) I wished I was home with my boy.
And that’s how today went down. I threw a stepstool across the room. (But first I made sure no one was in the way…) I was just so – done. This is so hard and so beautiful and so heart-wrenching and so so so filled with love. This whole parenting thing. Thank you.
Perfect. So right on. Thank you.
Please write a book. Please, so I don’t have to have this by itself on some computer paper on my shelf.
I so get this.
I thought this was beautiful and touching and so absolutely true (especially the part about turning on the tv – will I ever stop feeling guilty about that?)
But it is what Kristy wrote about above that made me cry when I read it: “In less than one slight blink he will be out in the world…gone. And no matter how many times I go to the bookstore I will not come back home to him.” Because underneath it all that is my biggest fear and source of anxiety…that I’m not appreciating it enough, and soon it will be too late, and I’ll look back and all I’ll see is the ways I could have been a better mother, and how come I couldn’t find a way to enjoy it more? I am trying so hard! But yet I have the sinking feeling that I’m not trying hard enough.
Thank you so much for sharing this and providing this forum.
I hear you, sista. Every single word.
I understand perfectly because you word it so well.
“Sometimes
I don’t feel particularly
good at
any of my
jobs”
Ugh! And YES, even though I technically just have the one job – I often feel I’m failing at so many aspects of it.
Thank you.
So, what? You’re all condoning abusive behavior by an adult towards a four year old? Abusing a child is never okay, and although it might make you all feel better that other people are doing it too, it’s still not okay.
I don’t have kids. I’ve always trusted your voice as an honest look into parenthood. This piece gave me goosebumps. I loved it. Your honesty is poignant and beautiful.
Bel – 1. Are you a mom? 2. She did not physically abuse her child. She did grab his shirt, she did yell at him & unfortunately most mom’s have yelled. I yell, not often but mom’s are people too & sometimes we are pushed over the edge. Some can walk away, some yell, some shut down & some hit. She is not proud of what happened, no mom is when they lose their cool. This blog didn’t make me think it’s OK when I yell but it did help me not feel so alone when I’m on the brink…that feeling alone will help me keep my cool in the future.
Every mom of more than one child feels this way at one time or another. There is nothing at all with having feelings of anger, being fed up or needing a break. Those are all natural feelings small children can elicit from you. Being with them 24/7 with no breaks and no help can become overwhelming. Thank you for writing this and letting me know I am not the only one that feels this way sometimes.
Hugs
Really, Bel? Have you never yelled at your child? Have you never found yourself at the end of your proverbial rope? I guess not as you seem to be casting judgment on those parents who are authentic; who deal with the day-to-day-ness of life.
To all the real mothers out there; I have been there. This bit of prose was forwarded to me by my daughter who has, despite her flawed upbringing, become, perhaps because of her flawed upbringing, one of the best parents I’ve ever observed!
Sometimes even the best people have a bad moment, Bel. I hope your kids will forgive you for your eventual meltdown. Don’t beat yourself up too badly, though. They too will come through the storm and be stronger for it. Perhaps even you will, too!
Thank you. Thank you for every word. For every honest, fucked up feeling because as someone told me just this past week, “this shit is hard” and everything you said above-including the chicken-has been happening in my own house and I feel like a total dick about it. Even after I say sorry over and over again. But tomorrow morning? He’ll still want me to take him to school and I just can’t think that if I was messing him up too badly he would continue this request.
Thank you for your “Russian dolls” and for this:
“Sometimes
I don’t feel particularly
good at
any of my
jobs”
Even those of us who aren’t parents feel these things.
And thanks, again, for a brave portrait of motherhood.
If someone several times your size and strength grabbed you by your shirt, pulled you across a kitchen bench, yanked you to your feet, and yelled in your face, would you say that behavior was abusive? I would. It does not matter that it is a mother who has lost control and didn’t really mean to do it.
If one adult treats another adult that way it constitutes assault. Should parents be allowed to hurt, humiliate, and frighten their children? I don’t think so. It leaves scars. It affects who children become. It makes children afraid and mistrustful. I’m sorry if you don’t like to hear the truth, but treating a child that way is not okay, ever.
Linda’s mention of grabbing R’s shirt and yelling really loud is not abusive at all. If you take out the impulsive nature driving it, it could be aurgued as being a method of discipline. Obviously not used everyday but you ned to ask “why was she driven this far” if the childs behavior has gotten to such a degree that he will not follow rules and is intentinaly pushing his mothers buttons then this method (used very rarely) could be the wake up call that he needs to stop the shit.
We parents can be so tough on ourselves, can’t we? We love our children so much but that doesn’t take away from the fact that looking after them is sometimes boring, frustrating and stressful. Children have to learn how to get along with others, and part of that is discovering that other people do not have endless patience, and CAN be pushed to snapping point. If we were all superhuman and could deal calmly and placidly with any amount of whining, sulking, food-fiddling or whatever, how would our children ever know when they’re being obnoxious? Better to get yelled at occasionally by a loving but momentarily-overstretched parent, than to grow up as someone who never considers how their actions affect others.
It wasn’t abusive. But it wasn’t okay, either. Fair warning: this is not a place I will condone any further discussion of whether my child was abused or “deserved it”.
Bel.. go back to therapy.
Very well said…thank you for putting into such eloquent words what I myself feel so often. You are a GOOD mother!
Wow that was hard to read. The line between beautiful joy and overwhelmed ugly is pretty fine sometimes. All I know is that parenting is the hardest, most depleting thing I have ever done.
I have come back to read this three times today. Yes!
Thank you so much…
Bel, you’re obviously not a regular reader and don’t “get it.”
Sing it, sister.
As I read this I kept thinking “been there” over and over again. Till the end, where I found I was holding my breath and the simple act of inhaling brounght me to tears.
Hang in there Linda – it’s the circle of life and while you may think you are careening through it, you are doing a marvelous job….the bad moments are far between – just remember that this too shall pass.
This actually made me cry because it is exactly what I struggle with on a daily basis, and the permanent guilt is horrible, just horrible. It helps to read this though, at least to know I’m not alone…
Oh yeah, I am there on a daily basis. Thanks for sharing this.
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That was so beautiful and hit the nail right on the head for anyone who has been a mother. Thank you so much.
WOW!!! I could have written this myself. Well, not really, because I’m a shitty writer, but you know what i mean. THank you for sharing!!!
Found through “Mars is Heaven” – holy crap, yes I have been there, and was nearly there again on Sunday. Self-recrimination galore.
Bravo for the expression of such a confusing and bedeviling emotion!
yes, totally agree. have to go kids, need me but thanks for making me feel not alone.
AMEN.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I have said more than once that sometimes the fantasy of being a mom doesn’t match my reality. Thank you for understanding.
For heaven’s sake, stop it with the food battles. You are only making it worse for yourself and for Riley. Let it go. He will eat when he wants to eat. In our house, our kids sit with us when we eat. If they don’t like what’s on our plate, we tell them that they can have something else when we are done eating. Sometimes they are so hungry that they will eat whatever is in front of them. If not, they can only have toast or oatmeal. Either way, we NEVER force them to eat. It’s totally normal for preschoolers to go through this non-eating or picky-eating stage. Pick your battles and you will experience less stress in your life. Best of luck.
Linda you are a good mother and while you lost your patience with the kids, I promise when they look back on their childhood the few instances you lost your patience will not stick out in their mind. You are doing wonderfully.
Your ability to write and share moments like this is why I love you.
Honestly it’s hard to know what’s more important: your words, Sundry, or those of your commenters. As a whole though, this entire collection of emotions and thoughts comprises something that does not get written about or shared enough.
I’m so glad it’s been shared here.
Stunning. This needs to be saved and read and heard and believed.
Thank you for your honesty. So many have been there. So few can share it so well.
Hi Linda – I’ve been lurking for several months now, meaning to comment (you’re an awesome writer), but this post finally compelled me to do it. I have one boy, 3 years old, and he is the joy of my life – one success out of five pregancies – but your writing today captured EXACTLY what I sometimes feel – wanting to escape sometimes, feeling guilty about it; yelling and being SO VERY ANGRY sometimes, and then feeling like crap afterwards, but also enjoying the little moments, like B wanting to take my temperature after I’d been taking his for two days, and calling himself Dr. B…
Thank you for your wonderful blog – especially the honesty of it. Motherhood is hard, but rewarding and I’m so glad to know I’m not alone when I’m struggling.
Thanks for saying it for me, the things I think but can’t say.
if i had a blog i would have written this yesterday…although not nearly as well! i’m in the midst of an internal battle over whether to give up freelancing for a much more stable part-time position with a company that is more than flexible and generous. the guilt i feel for even thinking about leaving my 13-month-old in someone else’s care is staggering even though i know with absolute certainty i’m not doing the best i can with him. ugh.
I’ve said it so many times and I’ll say it again – all of you mothers out there are amazing. From someone who doesn’t have kids, I don’t know HOW you ladies do it. I salute you.
WOW. Thank you! Just how i am feeling today and more and more and more. I keep wondering if there is something wrong with me, and what I can do to change it…i guess some things are just the way they are and that is it.
Thank you for making me feel like a normal human being.
Thank you Linda. Thank you for narrating my life like i could never do.
Boy, dont i wish i could have a couple of take-backs with my kids but youre right, we cant ever undo it.
I yelled at my 4 y.o. so loud and harshly the other day (over something stupid and unnecessary Im sure) that it scared the toddler in to a terrified fit of tears. All i could think was “wow, i am an ass”
Thank you for being out there for all of us.
I quit my job 3 months ago after my maternity leave with #2 was over. Your words are so, so on the mark. There are days when I feel so lucky to be with my guys, but there are other days that all I want to do is run screaming out the door to an office. There is no perfect solution, so we must muddle through and appreciate that so many others are right there with us. Thanks, Linda.
Hell yes.
Before I had kids, Oprah did a show about the “ugly” side of motherhood, where moms explained how life with kids isn’t flowers and rainbows and perfect shit. I get this, but I still feel guilty.
How awesome of you to take my thoughts, as I’ve experience each line you wrote and give moms a gift like this. We’re not alone, and we don’t suck at being a mom if we feel fucking miserable sometimes.
This is why I read blogs. Thank you for helping me realize I’m not alone, I’m not the worst mother in the world and I don’t need professional help.
Keep up the great writing.
thank you, linda, for capturing how motherhood can feel sometimes, and especially for being candid and articulate at the same time.
I’m teary-eyed at the beauty of that. Yes, I have seen that place and it haunts me, too.
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I understand.
I find myself, with my kid, wanting to shout to him, “Why the fuck did you DO that?” and on my very, very, very good days, I can keep all that out of my voice and just hold him. I try to tell him, too: I understand. I’m still working on getting that understanding for myself, though.
Mayhaps one of my favorite Sundry entries ever.
Beautiful. Just beautiful. I understand perfectly.
I thought something was wrong with me the last few months and that maybe I was depressed or just very ungracious for the wonderful life I have and the blessing of parenthood. You described perfectly my evening episodes after work with my daughter before my husband gets home.
But now I feel like I’m just a parent, going through the ups and downs, just like you, Linda, and all your readers.
It is so comforting that these feelings are normal!!!
Wonderful post. Knowing that other moms feel the way I feel is priceless. Thank you.
Amazing.
I just started reading your blog, and I never comment on any blog I read, but on this I had to. You have peered inside my soul and put it on a page. You are not alone, and I thank you for articulating this so exquisitely.
Yes, yes, exactly. That was my weekend too. Thank you.
I loved this, every word.
If I copy and paste this onto my blog and tell everyone I wrote it…will you sue me? It’s just that it’s so perfect and right on and relatable…did I write it?
Thank you — this post puts into words every worry and fear I have about becoming a parent.
I worry that the miserable parts (and I’ve been a nanny, I know firsthand how miserable they can be) will overwhelm the wonderful parts, and I won’t be able to enjoy — or even recognize — the wonderful moments while in them.
Yes, exactly. I could have killed my 8-year old earlier this week over his socks, feeling at the same time both aware of his sensory integration issues & the need to understand him and the frustration of never getting the kids to school on time & it must be somebody else’s FAULT… anyway, my kids are older & it usually is easier, but yes, we still feel love & insanity at the same time, sometimes. Thank you for expressing it.
I feel your pain. You love them and you wish you could escape but you love them and they are awful and you love them and will it ever end? My post for today’s Five Star Friday list might offer some hope. “Courage!”
And that. is. motherhood. You have many, many sympathetic women who are nodding at every line in your beautiful writing.
Mommy guilt…ahh yes the bane of my existence. Friend of mine made me a Mother’s Day gift..had a card attached to it:
A Mother loves her children even when they least deserve to be loved. – Kate Samperi
beautiful expression and so honest. thank you.
Thank you a million time over for writing the exact way I am feeling. I’m so glad I’m not the only one.