Jun
5
So: online dating! SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT IT.
I am assuming that some of you know all too well about the world of online dating, and some of you are perhaps like I was: wildly curious, yet relieved to not have to experience it. Feeling a bit maybe like being on the last helicopters out of Vietnam, since the entire concept came around many years post-marriage.
I did go back and forth on whether to join the apps. I mean, I canNOT say I have heard good things. On the other hand, it seems to me that there are not a lot of ways to meet single people IRL, particularly for someone like myself who is not going to hang out at bars, go to social events of any kind, or wear a “Technically Available But Picky” t-shirt while out and about. And when was the last time you heard about a couple who actually met at the grocery store? Literally imagine finding a date in the frozen section at Trader Joe’s, that scenario surely must be reserved for someone far more willing to strike up a breezy conversation rather than cage-fighting for the cauliflower gnocchi.
Anyway, I did decide to give it a whirl, and it’s been … okay? Initially terrible, I will say that. I fired up a Bumble account some months back and was quite overwhelmed with the whole shebang. The entire idea of trying to make a decision about a person based on limited data. The swiping function, which feels kind of yuck, like rapid-fire online shopping for humans. And then the profiles, which start to fall into patterns after you’ve seen them in volume. So many poor-quality photos, so many dudes in mirrored sunglasses, SO MANY FISH WHAT IS WITH ALL THE FISH.
Also, everyone looks so goshdarn old. This is of course because I myself am old! I don’t know how else to say it, if you find yourself in the dating pool in your fifties, the pool is not filled with people who have all or even most of their hair.
I told my mom that I feel like the most sane way to approach the apps is to treat it as a sort of lighthearted anthropological experiment. I’m in a good position to do so, because I’m still learning about myself in this new stage of life, I’m generally happy to be alone, and I’m just casually keeping an eye out for interesting people to augment what I’ve already got going on. I am not in a position of desperation nor am I jaded by being single, this is all still new to me and I’m definitely not feeling as though I need to complete myself with a partner.
I have swiped away so many men (haha that was weirdly satisfying to type) based on things that may or may not be real dealbreakers. That’s the crazy thing, you have to make a decision with very little info, and sometimes I wonder about all the life paths not taken. Like could there have been a potentially amazing scenario with this person who I semi-flippantly chose not to pursue based on a bad-lighting photo or a clumsily written profile?
Of course, some folks are bristling with so many red flags it’s downright entertaining. A nontrivial number of profiles are vaguely or outright hostile, with “NO DRAMA!!” as their main selling point. That one just feels silly to me because how many people actually self-identify as dramatic? Plus, was the prior ‘drama’ really drama being foisted upon them or were they perhaps an active participant in said drama? There is a sort of Barbara Streisand effect happening here, is what I’m saying.
Lots of statements of “don’t try and change me!!!” which 1) leads me to assume there’s something intolerable about them and 2) again, a weird thing to come out of the gate saying. “I YAM WHAT I YAM” like okay big dawg you never flush, got it.
A startling amount of polyamorous people which you do you boo but no thanks to that, I can barely remember to get my trash to the curb on Monday evenings even with the task reminder notification much less juggle multiple romantic partners. I can’t get down with all the terms: ENM? “Nesting partner”? This is just sanctified cheating to me, I’m sure it’s deeper than that but why are we going into this with the assumption that it’s not going to be enough?
And plenty of profiles that just complain about online dating in general, which I guess I can sort of understand if you’ve been in the trenches for a long time but also what’s the point of presenting a sour attitude about it? At least make it funny, damn.
I am sure there are tropes with women’s profiles and I do understand the notion of gender being a concept and not to stereotype BUT gosh men truly seem to struggle when it comes to photos. There are several recurring themes:
– Staring expressionless into a bathroom mirror
– Sunglasses on, out of focus
– Participating in an outdoorsy/athletic event but it’s clearly from many years ago
– Multiple pics taken from below so it’s like they are glowering down at you
– No smile
– Scraggily Unabomber beard
– Gym mirror flex pic
And of course, the fish. So long and thanks for all the fish, a popular Douglas Adams book and also I assume what every woman says with relief when she shuts down her dating profile.
I myself chose several very recent pics, nothing glamorous or filtered or deceptively flattering. I included several animals so a couple of my own red flags are on display, yes I am a crazy cat/horse lady and yes I have a tiny dog that is going to frenziedly bark at you whenever you stand up. The rest will be revealed over time! Don’t worry I have PLENTY.
It is weird, putting myself out there for men to consider, no way around it. Marketing myself, albeit via self-deprecation and jokes. I’ve met a few interesting people and made one really good friend via the apps, so I can’t say it’s all bad out there. And if nothing else, the experience has been entertaining and made for some stories. There was the 20-year-old who liked me, someone come get their misguided infant child!! There was a guy who was very reticent to reveal his job as he considers himself a local celebrity of sorts and it turned out I’d never heard of his show. There was the profile that said “Just keep my Johnson wet and I’ll give you flowers” hahahahahaaaa wtf so gross and what kind of trade is that, how about you cram the johnson in a vase because like Miley said, I can buy myself flowers.
So that’s online dating so far: part research project, comedy show, and the occasional reminder that there are actual real humans out there fumbling around like I am. Brand new territory, rocky terrain, and yet I feel surprisingly lucky; among all the loss and pain in the last year there have been so many new experiences. Good, bad, fishy, and everything in between.
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