August 3, 2006

I was in a crappy mood this morning as I drove to work. Yesterday’s birthday celebration with JB involved a series of misunderstandings and a flagrant disregard for the cake onto which I had so carefully lettered HAPPY BIRTHDAY ASSHOLE (touchy, touchy!) and really, that whole thing is probably the topic for another blog post, which I will then get in trouble for, but ANYWAY, not only that but also, also I cleaned the entire house from top to bottom in preparation for the in-laws’ visit and this morning I swear to god you could not tell I had done a thing: the polished tables were covered in magazines and crumbs, the floor a sea of dog hair, the previously gleaming kitchen and bathroom counters spotted and smeared.

Worst of all, Riley apparently got the memo that I SUCK because last night and this morning I couldn’t hold him, couldn’t feed him, couldn’t change his goddamn diaper without him pushing at me, moaning in discontent, and violently arching his back, all in a frantic attempt to get away, get away, get away. And the minute he saw Daddy, he went crawling for him so fast his little knees were a blur.

That’ll put a wet turd in your morning, right there. There’s nothing quite like having your own baby reject you. Especially in favor of the guy who didn’t like his HAPPY BIRTHDAY ASSHOLE cake. I mean, really.

However! Just as I encountered the giant wall of SUVs that had ground to a halt on the approach to the 520 bridge, I heard it: the scream of turbofan engines, the roar of F/A-18 Hornets, the sound of America.

That’s right: Blue Angels. In town for Seafair, and practicing in the Seattle skyline today. I pumped my fist in the air as they blasted overhead; three of them flying at a seemingly impossible angle, trails of vapor pouring behind them.

ROCK. How can you stay in a bad mood when the Blue Motherfucking Angels are filling the sky with noise and hot, jet-fighter action? It’s like being pissy while you’re watching Top Gun, it’s just not possible, what with the barrel rolls and aviator shades and sexy gay dialogue like “He’s on our tail, coming hard!”. The Blue Angels are awesome, even if they do cause some major traffic issues and tick off my bike-riding, vegetarian coworkers who say things like “I just think of burning dollar bills” when they hear the engines rocket overhead.

I saw them go by again when I was on the west end of the bridge and I thought well, I guess I just enjoy big loud fast machines and maybe that makes me a Pabst (non-alcoholic, of course)-drinking, plastic-lawn-chair-sitting, meatloaf-with-ketchup-eating plebe, but let me say this – when you’ve had kind of a shitty 24 hours, I highly recommend watching a fighter jet or three. Because just for a second, you can picture yourself up there above the city and the traffic and moving so fast nothing can keep up with you.

Plus, this is just a bitchin’ sound.


33 Responses to “Oh big ol’ jet airliner…don’t carry me too far away”

  1. tanya on August 3rd, 2006 12:50 pm

    something to make you smile. Have you heard of Shirley Q. Liquor?

    hope you smile


  2. Sunshyn on August 3rd, 2006 12:56 pm

    Oh, I was furious when I lived in San Francisco and the Blue Angels were flying overhead, because they WOKE UP THE BABY.

  3. fellowmom on August 3rd, 2006 12:58 pm

    Love the Blue Angels. A friend of mine scheduled her wedding reception to occur during one of their shows over San Franciso. This made sense because her reception was on a roof top. The BAs did several flyovers right over us. Besides being awesome, they really made us feel like appreciated fans.

  4. jen on August 3rd, 2006 12:59 pm

    You made the asshole cake! Awesome! I am so in awesome!

    We here up north have the equally loud and awesome Snowbirds, which also makes me think of Anne Murray and old people in RVs flocking to Arizona. One of the local communities has a big airshow which rocks ass in that Maverick sort of way.

  5. fellowmom on August 3rd, 2006 1:06 pm

    P.S. This entry, like the one you did about the YouTube video featuring the Trans Siberian Orchestra song, really had me saying–yes, yes, I would feel the same way. They were each so descriptive. (Also, I guess I am a kindred spirit in how I would react to certain things).

  6. mom on a wire on August 3rd, 2006 1:19 pm

    LOVE the Blue Angels. Plus, the pilots are usually not so bad looking themselves…

  7. Whinger on August 3rd, 2006 1:20 pm

    Oh I love the Blue Angels….for about two days. After that, I usually end up yelling at the ceiling, “I GET it. You fly in daring ways. HUSH now.”

  8. MATTY! on August 3rd, 2006 1:33 pm

    Love the Blue Angels. When I lived near Detroit years ago it seemed like every other week in the summer they were zipping over our trailer park, doing one trick or another. It always nice getting to watch from the trailer park, stucco-bottomed pool as the G-Force feedback nearly ripped the shingles off of row after row of off-white and tan tin cans.

    Swimming and an arial acrobatic show-stopping EXTRAVAGANZA! ROCK ON!

    And how could he NOT love the asshole cake? I can only hope I get an ice cream version for mine this year!

  9. Kristen on August 3rd, 2006 1:34 pm

    Aw, poor JB! The cake is FUNNY! I would go so far as to call it “LOVING.” It’s like saying “We’re mad at each other right now, but I love you anyway.” How that’s communicated by the use of the word “asshole,” I can’t quite explain–I just know that it’s true. In fact, last night I sent that whole entry to my husband for him to read, and I said that I thought it was the perfect solution to the cake-or-no-cake dilemma, because it so clearly communicated both love and humor. …Again, I’m at a loss to explain why the word “asshole” does this, it just does.

  10. Emily on August 3rd, 2006 2:01 pm

    You know, I really want to roundhouse-kick your Notify List for not allowing me to get your site in time to see the “HAPPY BIRTHDAY ASSHOLE” cake. But, I was wondering, could you send my the recipe so I can create a similar one that reads “HAPPY ANNIVERSARY DOUCHEBAG”?

    Also, if you love the aircraft noises, you should consider moving to Baghdad — Chinooks are just music to my fucking EARS at two in the morning.

  11. TB on August 3rd, 2006 2:15 pm

    Is it weird that this post made me slightly horny?

  12. Jennifer on August 3rd, 2006 2:18 pm

    the blue angels are cool but living in virginia beach, its get old after awhile.. lol

  13. Krislinatin on August 3rd, 2006 2:23 pm

    My hubby’s b-day was yesterday also and he was in a bad mood, also.
    Is it the weather, the age (mine is 47) or what? no writing on his strawberry shortcake but JACKASS is what i would of used. And my house was like yours yesterday, clean until the hubby and boy came home and dirtied it up. and can a guy pee IN the toilet? and at 13 my son still runs to his daddy becasue momma was mean to him all day (making him act like a civilized human is being mean to him) ok, I’m done ranting, love this site, read it all the time, keep up the good work, we mommas get just little tid bits of appreciation thru out this short life. treasure em when you get them

  14. Kay-See on August 3rd, 2006 2:47 pm

    Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

    I don’t work too far off I-90 and everyone around me hates The Angels. As in, CLOSES THE BLINDS-hates them. Very sad. I think they’re fantastic, makes me want to become very badass and switch careers to become a pilot.


  15. Jenn on August 3rd, 2006 2:53 pm

    OMG, I love Top Gun and the Blue Angels!!

    I live near an Airforce base where they practice their flights, whatever they do, ALL THE TIME and I get so excited when I see them, I probably pee a little.

    Hmm, yes, it sucks when the little munchkin goes through their your suck routine, I guess they are practicing for the life long games of piting mother against father and trying to get their way. They sure start early, the little shits.

    And, that Asshole cake, I was hoping he’d appreciate the humor *sigh*, what a shame. I thought it was hilarious ;).

  16. Erin on August 3rd, 2006 6:01 pm

    Ahh the Blue Angels! I live in Wallingford and work on the Hill so I usually get a double dose–the practice runs while I’m at work (which I compensate for by just yelling LOUDER while they fly overhead) then I can usually watch most of the show off my back porch on the weekends during SeaFair. Haven’t actually made the trek to Lake Washington to watch it in full yet although I’ve seen them perform when I lived in Louisiana.

    I work at a community mental health center on the Hill and I have to say, there is nothing better than when we hear them coming and staff and clients both bolt outside to watch them pass over. Our little block of the Hill is just nuts with all of the whooping and yelling and sometimes, some clients just freaking the fuck out. It’s awesome.

    Although I have to say, when I tried to get on the freeway to go to Shoreline right after the 520 and I-90 opened back up? I sort of cursed them under my breath. It was a nightmare.

  17. jonniker on August 3rd, 2006 6:27 pm

    I am enamored with military aircraft. They had a stealth bomber over a Red Sox game I was at a few years ago and it was, hands down, one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen.

    However, when you’re not expecting it, it’s kind of terrifying. Last year, while heading out to dinner with some friends, the F-16s were headed to Fenway, and were flying over Cambridge so low that every single person on the streets dove under anything they could, which is how and why I ended up skulking under a giant blue mail receptacle near the entrance of CVS.

  18. MJ on August 3rd, 2006 7:28 pm

    It totally made my day when I heard them flying overhead today from my office in Bellevue. Just wish I could have seen them too. :)

  19. jonniker on August 3rd, 2006 7:31 pm

    And PS? I’m Not Allowed to write about Adam, or my head will get ripped off in bed. I understand getting in trouble. There was an errant sentence about him a few months ago that was, I guess, less than flattering and/or exposed too much of his carefully-crafted mysterious personality and war was declared.

    However? I think the asshole cake is hysterical.

  20. yummy on August 3rd, 2006 10:45 pm

    Smart, attractive people like you never suck. You just think you do. It’s all mental.

    And Riley … it’s him, not you. He’s growing up, and this is one of the many things he’s gotta go through. He’s not rejecting you, and you don’t suck.

    You need more sex. Me too.

  21. thejunebug on August 4th, 2006 1:40 am

    Poor girl. Cheer up honey, it’s Friday!

  22. veralynn on August 4th, 2006 5:26 am

    I can’t be the only one hoping that the top of the asshole cake was decorated with the picture from the chamois butt’r.

    It’d be perfect on the B of Birthday!

  23. Melissa on August 4th, 2006 6:19 am

    I love military aircraft. They give me chills. I also love the way you describe what it “makes” you (ketchup with meatloaf…great). I get that feeling it’s cheesey and simple to be patriotic.
    I grew up in Norfolk Va and whenever I was at the beach the jets would fly over. Plus folks around there have the bumper stickers that read “I [heart] jet noise.”

  24. Ceece on August 4th, 2006 7:42 am

    dude, I so know what you mean about the Blue Angels (and the shitty vegetarian coworkers) It’s kind of just awe-inspiring to see something like that. You can’t really explain it without sounding like a total cheeseball, but it’s the truth.

    Also my kid shits on me for my hubs too. bastards.

  25. Shannon on August 4th, 2006 9:51 am

    It’s hard to believe there are people out there who hate the Blue Angels! As far as I can tell here in Seattle, the Blue Angel’s Practice Day is practically a city-wide holiday. I am currently temping and when I went into work yesterday, there was NOBODY THERE. It wasn’t until about 11am when I heard the Angels that I deduced why everyone had taken the morning off. And magically, the office filled back up around 2pm!

    At my old job, our boss used to take the office out on his boat to the Lake and he had a certain spot he sat on every year, so the planes would fly directly over our heads. Fantastic. There is nothing like feeling that sound resonate in your organs all the way to the bottom of your toes. Then we would go swimming on the other side of the I-90 bridge. It was the only good thing about my job.

  26. Sonia (DDM) on August 4th, 2006 3:16 pm

    Damn. I missed the story AND the asshole cake.
    I love the Blue Angels too. And Seafair. My mom rode her horse with her drill team in the Seafair parade this year. My son and I watched on TV and when he saw her ride by on her white horse, he waved madly at the T.V. My heart exploded just then. He’s currently in a ‘Mommy Rocks’ phase, but I’m easily trumped by Grandma. And Grandma on TV? Hello, SO cool.

  27. Brooke on August 4th, 2006 3:29 pm

    I totally agree with all of you! Okay? I’m a doofus, but I cry when jets do flyovers.

    And, TB? I don’t think you’re weird at all. And damn it, Chris is away in Vegas for his bachelor party!

  28. prairiepink on August 5th, 2006 9:55 am

    That is a bitchin’ sound.

  29. katie d on August 5th, 2006 5:00 pm

    Good to know I am not weird, in that i am not the only one who has the reaction to the Blue Angels. When I lived in San Diego, I lived in a canyon near Miramar, and when they had the air show, the house was right in the BAs’ flight path. They would swing around and fly right down the Vee in the canyon that the house was right at the top of the V, so they would be right at eye level, so close you could swear all you had to do was reach out and touch the tips of their wings. It was AWESOME, and every time they flew by, I would just scream in glee. Seriously, seriously cool. :)

    On the other side, sorry your day started so crappy.

  30. christina on August 6th, 2006 8:08 am

    I totally relate. Even though loving fighter jets is ENTIRELY out of character. I just do. Hope your week improves!

  31. Crystal on August 6th, 2006 3:59 pm

    “America’s favorite waste of taxpayer dollars – the Blue Angels!”

  32. Caitlin on August 7th, 2006 1:05 pm

    A girl goes backpacking for a week and she misses a so-scandalous-it-needs-to-be-deleted entry (not to mention Mel Gibson’s Hitler and Hos party)? MAN! I’m never leaving you again, sweet internet!!

    But truly, I hope all is ok with you and the cranky ones.

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