March 15, 2007

Despite February’s strategic operations involving ovulation sticks (uh, several of them, as I completely guessed wrong on when to start checking and so ended up peeing on two entire boxes of tests before finally getting the little “time to start riding the baloney pony!” result) and a nearly obsessive level of self-scrutiny (I have never been so intimately aware of my own secretions, and if you are now wishing you could go back a sentence and not read that, I apologize), it appears our efforts will have to be filed under “Practice Run”.

I felt oddly conflicted about the, er, MS appearance of the PMS I can now blame the scale’s stubborn numberlock on (2 pounds less now, hooray for bloating?). On one hand I’m sort of wanting to go further with the diet/exercise thing and see if I can’t get back into those size 8s. On the other, now that we made the decision to greenlight Suctopus #2, I’m ready to get the process started. I kind of feel like we’re in some weird limbo where another enormous life-changing event is just around the corner but in the meantime, dammit I’m out of Tampax.

I also feel 1) a little ambivalent, like it will happen when it happens and it’s no big deal to wait a while longer, 2) a little paranoid, like what if we’ve got unknown fertility issues this time around and this is just the first of many, many months where we get a big fat DENIED on the babymaking front, and 3) a little worried about zombies, because jesus, fucking ZOMBIES, man.


Say, what do you think about this Silestone surface for a kitchen counter?


Apparently it “evokes the mystique of the Great Smoky Mountains” (hee) by containing “a collage of brown hues flecked with cream and black shades.” I think it might be nice with a cream/tan wall color, cherry cabinets, and stainless appliances. But maybe too dark for our little kitchen? I don’t know.


JB came in yesterday morning after getting the paper, which he tossed onto the dining table with an irritated slap. “I am FARTING TOO MUCH,” he announced, glaring at me.

“I fart all the way down the driveway to get the paper. I fart on my way back in. I fart in meetings. I fart in my car. I fart in the morning, afternoon, and night. Don’t bother asking if I’m farting right now because I AM.”

“It’s good for you,” I said. “Your body is processing vegetables instead of Pizza Hut. Think of it like a Health Foghorn.”

“I’m a GUY,” he moaned. “You understand how much farting a guy has to do to think it’s too much? A hell of a lot, that’s how much.”

Frankly, I can’t deny the effects that broccoli, beans, and bok choy are wreaking on my own system. I prefer to think of it as off-gassing, that with each emission I’m reducing my overall capacity and eventually may just fart myself into a smaller jeans size.

They seem to be mostly of the All Sound and Little Odor variety (“Proooo!” “Pah!” “Fnapffff!”), so I haven’t worried about it overmuch. Perhaps it’s time to take some countermeasures, though—I had assumed it was a temporary bodily adjustment, but with each passing (haaa!) day we’re continuing to let ’em rip, to the point where we’re actually outfarting both the boy and Dog combined.

Last night we were watching TV and I heard a robust wind note emanate from the couch. “YOUR FAULT,” JB said, without looking up. I thought about answering in kind, until we created a sort of whalelike communication song between our respective rear ends, but figured that kind of game really has the potential for an unpleasant ending (“Um, I need a new pair of pants over here”).

So Beano’s on the shopping list, along with Tampax and more First Response kits. I’d ask JB to run to the store for me, but I doubt he’d be capable. Just one more reason why we’re the stronger sex, ladies.


80 Responses to “Boundaries? I don’t understand the word”

  1. Lorelei on March 15th, 2007 11:44 pm

    Oh my gooness! I just don’t know what to say. Maybe I LOVE you! Yes, that’ll do. Can’t stop laughing or crying, then the laughing again…
    Thank you.

  2. Beth Anne on March 16th, 2007 4:43 am

    I’m laughing so hard, I’m crying. I love when you talk about gas!

  3. Mika on March 16th, 2007 5:25 am

    I love your color scheme plan and like the general look of the silestone though maybe if it had more of the cream in it to make it lighter? Either that or go with cream colored walls to prevent the kitchen from getting too dark. Seems like it will really tie in well with the rest of the house too.

  4. Omu on March 16th, 2007 6:03 am

    Oh thank god no ones in the office yet. I would have spit coffee on my keyboard if I’d have had any while reading that.

    Love the counter tops.

    Don’t love the flatulence.

  5. gerg69 on March 16th, 2007 7:02 am

    “we’re actually outfarting both the boy and Dog combined.” Holy crap, you got me. I have never done a spit take while reading any blogs. But you got me. I was eating a peanut butter sandwich and juuuuuuust taking a mouthful of coke when i read the sentence above. It even sprayed on my glasses…. which were on my HEAD. Holy crappin crap. I always thought people were full of shit when they said they did that while reading. You are so damn funny!

  6. el-e-e on March 16th, 2007 7:09 am

    “….eventually may just fart myself into a smaller jeans size.” and

    “…a sort of whalelike communication song between our respective rear ends…”

    Best dieting anecdotes of. all. time.

    laughing myself silly over here.

  7. Alyson on March 16th, 2007 7:35 am

    Weight Watchers is great for expecting moms. Way healthy! But yeah, I know the farting thing…….on the other hand, your bowel health is never better! Beano is the way to go. Works on farting dogs, too. I could tell you what hubby and I did to get pregnant the first time after 18 months of trying, but it was a little illegal, and I don’t know where to get any pot these days. Well, it may have been the pot, or the “I don’t give a crap” attitude. You know what they say……..Man (and Woman) plans, God laughs. It will happen, when it happens. Very likely in the middle of the most inconvenient part of your kitchen remodel!

  8. Nikki on March 16th, 2007 7:36 am

    Ok… thank you SOOO much for making me laugh out loud. I needed that today. Good luck with your new beano regimen.

  9. kendra! on March 16th, 2007 8:03 am

    The onomatopoeatic harmony in this post is positively whimsical.

  10. Kelsey on March 16th, 2007 8:14 am

    After about twenty or so comments I always wonder whether anyone is still reading them. . . I wouldn’t know, my peak number being about seven. Anyway, if you’re all about the farting at your house, and it sounds like you are, I can’t believe no one has mentioned the book Walter the Farting Dog. If you are really uptight or extremely sensitive about what your children are exposed to (like you don’t want Riley to use the word fart and will prefer him to say, “I just made a tiny wind.”) then the book isn’t for you. However, I think you are a little more free than all that and will enjoy Walter very much. My two-year-old calls it the doggie has gas book. I believe there is actually an entire series of Walter picture books now. And you can buy little stuffed Walters that fart when you squeeze them. Hehehe. It will be a family favorite in no time.

  11. Jenny on March 16th, 2007 8:27 am

    Beano didn’t touch our problem when we upped the veggie/fiber/bean quotient of our diet. I was so miserable I almost wanted to cut out healthy things period – at least I wouldn’t have to shut my office door.

    BUT, I went to my OB-GYN and explained my problem while turning bright red at having to be so honest with anyone. She prescribed Hyoscyamine (generic for Levsinex). It is some kind of magic drug, I swear. The only side effect is dry mouth but, if you are afraid of even moving in your chair lest you embarrass yourself, that is small potatoes. It costs about $5 for a month’s supply. It is THE BEST (it’s typically for IBS).

    So if Beano doesn’t work, you might want to ask your doctor about it.

  12. MRW on March 16th, 2007 8:53 am

    I used to feel somewhat embarassed by the fact that although I’m 37 I laugh like a 10 year old about farting, but now I see I’m not alone and thank god because this post killed me. I just had to keep telling myself: must not scream with laughter at the office…

  13. Yams on March 16th, 2007 9:43 am

    Sundry: Not sure if you’ll get all the way down to my comment but how come your “Purple is a fruit” tab on the right is still showing the old post title? I happened to click into it anyway and OMG there were 3 new posts!!! Do you manually update the sidebar? If so, I’ll start checking the site directly cos OMG I can’t be 3 posts behind on the reading, I just can’t.

  14. sundry on March 16th, 2007 10:16 am

    Yes, I manually update it, it’s a giant pain and I’m not always on top of it. For that blog I’ve basically been updating each weekday, so in theory there should be something new each day.

  15. Kerri on March 16th, 2007 10:22 am

    HA. Oh my god, i totally feel your pain.

  16. M.A. on March 16th, 2007 10:28 am

    Oh, honey, I laughed my ass off reading this! Thanks — I truly needed it. Hadn’t realized that JB was “with you” on The Fart-inducing Veggie Adventure, but what a hoot — “until we created a sort of whalelike communication song between our respective rear ends,” — classic, AND classy! Appropo of nothing (but reminded by the poetic description of your Silestone surface sample), I have hairspray that is described as “Bold. Without the total committment.” Thank God, because Jesus. Bold. WITH the total committment? Helmet head.

  17. Jenny H. on March 16th, 2007 10:32 am

    My comments got eaten. Damn computer.

    I love the silestone. I think it will look awesome with your choices of paint/cabinets,ss appliances.

    The farting? My honey and I are on a diet that includes a ton of veggies so we know all about the gassy parts! Although, we have always been quite the gassy pair!

    We haven’t started trying for number three yet. I didn’t use anything for number one or two. Good luck! Go Team Sucktopus!

  18. Jenny H. on March 16th, 2007 10:34 am

    cabinets/ss appliances.

    There, now I feel better.

  19. carey on March 16th, 2007 12:11 pm

    OMG! i can’t stop laughing! that may be THE funniest thing i have ever read! thank you for the much needed laugh!!!!!!! so awesome, so incredibly awesome! :)
    good luck with the beano. he he!

  20. Sunshyn on March 16th, 2007 12:47 pm

    Beano works if you remember to use it. I surreptitiously add it to beans when I cook, because my husband thinks that if he doesn’t fart, he’ll “explode.” He never notices. Gas-X is severely constipating. Just sayin…

  21. Bianca on March 16th, 2007 1:24 pm

    Seriously, I think you should really just enjoy the sounds you guys are making. Trust me, the couple that farts together, STAYS together. My boyfriend hasn’t had many girlfriends who have (as he likes to say) “broken the fart barrier” with him so he loves it that I’m not too embarassed to join in his reindeer games. I do get grossed out and irritated when they smell really bad but the absolute best is when they sound amazing and produce no smell.

    I say live in the moment. Go with it, don’t question the magic. Just do it. (Same goes for JB)

  22. Melanie on March 16th, 2007 5:34 pm

    I have to say I think the counter is too dark, but I’m not a fan of darker-colored kitchens so I might be a weirdo. At least your husband is okay with your gases. Mine told me today that he wished we could be a little less comfortable with each other.

  23. TB on March 16th, 2007 7:07 pm

    We’ve got those exact countertops in our new house with cherry stained cabinets and brushed nickel fixtures and they look really great.

    As for the fertility thing, trust me, you’ve got to give it a couple of months at least before you start worrying. I know it’s hard though, especially if you didn’t have trouble the first time around. Good luck.

  24. Rayne on March 17th, 2007 9:08 pm

    I like the granite, the walls and cabinets too. You could go with a light colored travertine on the floor to lighten things up a bit.

  25. Sabine on March 19th, 2007 5:41 am

    Lord woman, there are tears rolling down my face you made me laugh so damn hard. Thank you for a Monday morning filled with the giggles. Let us know how the beano works, because I’m on pretty much the same diet plan.

    The granite is beautiful, but as a geologist I am probably biased. I’ve never met a granite I didn’t like.

  26. Jonniker. » Here Comes the Flood on March 19th, 2007 8:27 pm

    […] Sundry has already highlighted some of the detractions to Weight Watchers, and let it be known that those issues are fairly universal, at least in this household. But what no one really tells you about is what happens when you save up all of your Flex Points and go hog wild one weekend (with cookies!) and get so incredibly sick and when you just can’t take it anymore, you happen to be in the bathroom of a tiny little Hungarian restaurant where your husband is trying desperately to smile his way through two giant fried Hungarian meatballs, and your plate of pork and sauerkraut is getting cold, oh so cold, but it is full! of! fiber! […]

  27. jason on April 10th, 2007 9:46 pm

    i love to sniff farts.and eat my girls friends ass,after she worked 12 hours.i clen it with my tongue .then i wack off

  28. The Other Ali on April 24th, 2007 12:13 pm

    Oh, Christ! I actually started cackling at work. And, ya know, after a post that funny, I just couldn’t let THAT **rolls eyes and motions thumb upward toward previous comment** be the last thing anyone reads on this page.

    I know, OCD. Or jsut sweetly protecting your reputation. You pick. :)

  29. MaryConway on December 12th, 2012 10:31 pm

    Terry McDermott and Cassadee Pope of Team Blake are moving on, as well as Team Cee Lo’s Trevin Hunte and Nicholas David, who round out top 4. Tuesday’s results eliminated coach Adam Levine’s team inside the competition. Prior to an results were announced, Nicholas broke the majority of the awkward tension by reminiscing about “The Voice” cast’s good times. “It has been the experience of any lifetime, the opportunity of your respective lifetime, the dream for a lifetime,” he said. “But we have become a family in doing this, with each one of the hours we’ve spent together, all tears we’ve cried, each one of the farts, everything.”

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