March 15, 2007

Despite February’s strategic operations involving ovulation sticks (uh, several of them, as I completely guessed wrong on when to start checking and so ended up peeing on two entire boxes of tests before finally getting the little “time to start riding the baloney pony!” result) and a nearly obsessive level of self-scrutiny (I have never been so intimately aware of my own secretions, and if you are now wishing you could go back a sentence and not read that, I apologize), it appears our efforts will have to be filed under “Practice Run”.

I felt oddly conflicted about the, er, MS appearance of the PMS I can now blame the scale’s stubborn numberlock on (2 pounds less now, hooray for bloating?). On one hand I’m sort of wanting to go further with the diet/exercise thing and see if I can’t get back into those size 8s. On the other, now that we made the decision to greenlight Suctopus #2, I’m ready to get the process started. I kind of feel like we’re in some weird limbo where another enormous life-changing event is just around the corner but in the meantime, dammit I’m out of Tampax.

I also feel 1) a little ambivalent, like it will happen when it happens and it’s no big deal to wait a while longer, 2) a little paranoid, like what if we’ve got unknown fertility issues this time around and this is just the first of many, many months where we get a big fat DENIED on the babymaking front, and 3) a little worried about zombies, because jesus, fucking ZOMBIES, man.

:::

Say, what do you think about this Silestone surface for a kitchen counter?

SiennaRidge_lg.jpg

Apparently it “evokes the mystique of the Great Smoky Mountains” (hee) by containing “a collage of brown hues flecked with cream and black shades.” I think it might be nice with a cream/tan wall color, cherry cabinets, and stainless appliances. But maybe too dark for our little kitchen? I don’t know.

:::

JB came in yesterday morning after getting the paper, which he tossed onto the dining table with an irritated slap. “I am FARTING TOO MUCH,” he announced, glaring at me.

“I fart all the way down the driveway to get the paper. I fart on my way back in. I fart in meetings. I fart in my car. I fart in the morning, afternoon, and night. Don’t bother asking if I’m farting right now because I AM.”

“It’s good for you,” I said. “Your body is processing vegetables instead of Pizza Hut. Think of it like a Health Foghorn.”

“I’m a GUY,” he moaned. “You understand how much farting a guy has to do to think it’s too much? A hell of a lot, that’s how much.”

Frankly, I can’t deny the effects that broccoli, beans, and bok choy are wreaking on my own system. I prefer to think of it as off-gassing, that with each emission I’m reducing my overall capacity and eventually may just fart myself into a smaller jeans size.

They seem to be mostly of the All Sound and Little Odor variety (“Proooo!” “Pah!” “Fnapffff!”), so I haven’t worried about it overmuch. Perhaps it’s time to take some countermeasures, though—I had assumed it was a temporary bodily adjustment, but with each passing (haaa!) day we’re continuing to let ’em rip, to the point where we’re actually outfarting both the boy and Dog combined.

Last night we were watching TV and I heard a robust wind note emanate from the couch. “YOUR FAULT,” JB said, without looking up. I thought about answering in kind, until we created a sort of whalelike communication song between our respective rear ends, but figured that kind of game really has the potential for an unpleasant ending (“Um, I need a new pair of pants over here”).

So Beano’s on the shopping list, along with Tampax and more First Response kits. I’d ask JB to run to the store for me, but I doubt he’d be capable. Just one more reason why we’re the stronger sex, ladies.

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Robyn
15 years ago

Hilarious…this is one of my favorite posts…hahaha – I was gonna suggest Beano, but looks like you’re already there.

angela
15 years ago

I thought Beano made you fart more? To relieve the pressure and discomfort?

I’ve been on this I NEED MORE OMEGA-3 kick and I’ve been eating tons of salmon lately. I don’t fart, but it doesn’t take long after the salmon goes in my mouth before I’m sitting on the throne.

I’m so gross.

angela
15 years ago

Also, love the silestone for the counters.

warcrygirl
15 years ago

Lucky you, the ones I’ve been having lately definitely “have something on them” as Hubby likes to say. We have a cub scout pack meeting tonight, I plan on finding someone I don’t like very much and blaming him for a few of them. On the kitchen front: I envisioned more of a nice light gray for your countertops. Or maybe even the one above but lighter?

kim
kim
15 years ago

The darker Silestone MAY be too dark for a small kitchen AND will show more food chunk shrapnel than something with dark in it but perhaps a lighter overall shade. It IS pretty though.
ALSO, when you say cherry cabinets do you just mean the stain color or the actual wood? I only ask because IF you use the wood it will be 3x’s as expensive and not something you would get your money back from as far as an investment point of view. I wanted cherry in my kitchen and my dearest friend (and cabinet maker…amen) advised against it as an investment. We had it in our budget but it just didn’t make sense $$ wise. Just a thought. love you love your show.

Rumblelizard
Rumblelizard
15 years ago

Just for fun, try the zombie infection model. http://ccl.northwestern.edu/netlogo/models/community/ZombieInfection

And tell me, am I the only person who has put a lot of thought toward planning for what I’ll do in case of a zombie uprising? I even have a list of people I plan to call if the zombies come a-knockin’. If someone pisses me off, they get struck off the Call In Case of Zombies list. Heh!

Dina
Dina
15 years ago

I just added this counter top to my kitchen brazian brown. i love love love it and i did a tan color wall now if i was good with a camara i would send you a photo….hum things to ponder how to upload a link. I have a coofee colored counter. let me know if you want a pic….i might be able to clean up my stye of a house and send it too you. Dina in gray michigan

Emily
15 years ago

1) Stronger sex or not, we can still appreciate a blog entry about farts just as much as the next fraternity dude.

2) I know jack shit about countertops and such, but that Smoky Mountain stuff looks pretty decent.

3) I seriously doubt you’re infertile. And I have now determined that the term “baloney pony” WILL be used by me in abundance henceforth, because HAHAHA!

4) As long as you’re stockpiling weapons, you’ve no need to fear the zombies. However, I’ve always asked myself whether it would really even be worth it to survive a zombie war. I mean, would you rather FIGHT zombies, or BE a zombie? Tough call, I say.

Elaine
Elaine
15 years ago

Can’t. Stop. Laughing. Hope the zombies don’t choose now to appear at my door. Wouldn’t be able to fend them off.

Caitlin
Caitlin
15 years ago

Not to be all Advicey McTipGiver, but on the subject of having to buy Tampax, have you ever considered a DivaCup (or Keeper, or whatever)? They are a little weird to get used to, but you never have to buy tampons, it’s less wasteful, and it makes your period into a mini science experiment every month (jeepers, 15ml!, etc.). I just started this year and have a happy clam.

I mean, I’m happy as a clam. Heh.

Jas
Jas
15 years ago

I used the First Response kits for awhile, but I got SO TIRED of analyzing whether or not the two lines were the same color, or a shade off. That’s something I don’t need to do – stand over a plastic stick and stare at colored lines. I switched to ClearBlue Easy, because it comes with the idiot-proof “smiley face” vs. “not so much smiley face” technology. Much less stress.

laughing mommy
15 years ago

I laughed until I cried, until my stomach hurt, while reading this post. Thanks for a good laugh!

kara marie
15 years ago

Tampax! Did you read Jonniker’s post yesterday?

mrsgryphon
mrsgryphon
15 years ago

Linda, would you consider moving to Canada to be my new best friend?! I can’t stop laughing. a) ZOMBIES! How has it never occurred to me that I should be worried about them?! Thank you for pointing out the error of my ways with your last few posts. b) 14 years (almost) with my husband, and I think he’s bought Tampax once. And I had to send the package with him because “yellow, regular” was too complicated for him to remember. The combination of Beano, Tampax and First Response would send him into convulsions, I think.

Lawyerish
15 years ago

God, this is funny. Healthier eating definitely has its drawbacks…or should that be its, erm, backdrafts? Load up on Gas-X in case the Beano doesn’t do the job. Not that I would know anything about this topic.

Anonymous
Anonymous
15 years ago

(”Proooo!” “Pah!” “Fnapffff!”) My sides hurt and I have tears running down my face….ohmygod.

Jen J.
Jen J.
15 years ago

The above comment was mine. I didn’t mean to be all anonymous.

kj
kj
15 years ago

Cant… stop…. laughing….

Jan
Jan
15 years ago

I have bad news for you about the farts – as long as you eat the gas-inducing foods, your body will produce the gas to blow your panties off. Or shorts, as the case may be. But, hell, at least you are eating healthy. I laughed so hard over this blog, I actually emailed it to my husband. I think he will appreciate it as well since sugar free mints, etc. cause a gas explosion with him.

Love the countertop. Don’t think it’s too dark. It will look rich and classy with the dark wood cabinets.

What’s up with zombies on several blogs? I think I have missed the undead boat – I’m still obsessed with vampires. David Boreanaz makes me short of breath.

Josh
15 years ago

Ah yes, the joys of rediculous gas levels. Chinese does that for me. Good luck with all that. I hope you feel healthy. ; )

And do tell us more about this zombie enfatuation. (sp?) I can’t get enough zombies, and if it’s freaking you out, I must have some of whatever it is. (I probably missed something blatant like a bold face flashing neon link with animated zombies or whatever, sorry)

As far as the counter top goes, I like the stone. My whole family is in the stone business and so that lead to some serious scrutiny and debate over which stone should go in my parents new kitchen. They settled on one very similar to the sample you showed and let me tell you, it’s great. You can’t tell it’s dirty until things start sticking and flies show up. Perfect for when you need to clean quickly (as in not thoroughly) but still want your counters to look perfect. And their kitchen is a peach/tan combo. The stone really helps mute loud colors, so don’t be afraid to boldly go where no kitchen has gone before. (ie- rival the awesome red wall you so marvelously rock)

Boring colors are for boring people, and everyone knows you can’t be boring AND gassy!

Sarah
15 years ago

New idea for the remodel: Go off the grid and use wind power! Think of the money your new diet will save! :)

Thanks for distracting me from the HUGE ASS FINANCE FINAL I am about to take. You put a little perspective in my day! :)

Gena
15 years ago

I have never laughed so hard in my life as I just did reading your post. Such a great release for me after doing stupid taxes ALL DAY.

I love the Silestone. I would like that for my kitchen, please.

Jennifer
Jennifer
15 years ago

Gas-X can help greatly. But, your body really will adjust and the wind will die down. I started supplementing more fiber a couple of years ago and it was quite an adjustment on the belly. But, it passed (ha!).

Love the counter! It has some great colors in it to work with.

serror
serror
15 years ago

OMG. “Baloney Pony”. HAAAAAAAA! Too much…

Love the countertop color. Will be perfect combo of hiding dirt and food bits while looking ultra classy.

Some things like beans, you can add a little vinegar to them to help with the gas. Vinegar helps break down the This is more effective if you presoak dried beans and cook them with vinegar (as opposed to ploping them out of the can like I do), but I usually add a little vinegar to soups or chili and it seems to help. Sure doesn’t hurt anything… And Beano it up too. Also, you digestive system will start to adapt a little too.

Pete
Pete
15 years ago

Sorry, there is no such thing as “farting too much”.
I have never been a fan of the ‘flecked’ style of granite. Looks too much like the floor in a government building. Before you decide I would recommend you take a look in a granite yard and see what else is available. Before we did I wasn’t aware of the beautiful patterns you can get in granite, thought that all there was is what was displayed at Home Depot.

Amanda
15 years ago

This was a hilarious entry. I actually read the

When we were trying for #2, I used those ovulation prediction kits too. For the first two months, we did it on the day I got a positive and then didn’t worry much more about it. I didn’t get pregnant for reals until we did it CONSTANTLY starting the day I got the positive and then for three more days afterwards. Maybe give that a try, I’m sure JB won’t mind.

And honestly, it should be against your religion to post an entry including not even ONE photo of the sucktopus. Seriously.

Amanda
15 years ago

I actually read the fart part to my 3 year old was what I meant to say there…

HollowSquirrel
15 years ago

I needed that laugh. Thank you.
The silestone choice–love it. It will look good with the new appliances.

Dude. You only really fart with healthy food? I wish I had that. Everything causes gas with me. Breathing, sleeping, thinking, daydreaming…

Melissa
Melissa
15 years ago

LOL! I’m dying over here with the whole fart thing. You sound just like me and my husband. We were just debating who does it more the other night. Ahh…intimacy at it’s best.

Love the Silestone sample. I would go for the cream color on the walls to help it from feeling too dark…if you are worried about it. Sounds like the kitchen will be beautiful!

As for the “practice run”, I had luck with – sorry to be gross – an egg white consistency and noticed that I was just a little crampy if that makes any sense. I guess spitting out an egg can hurt slightly. And I have heard that a nice “O” can’t hurt. Ugh! TMI…sorry! I’m no expert and it’s different for everyone! Have fun!

Sonia
Sonia
15 years ago

Can’t…..breathe……laughing…..too…..hard! *PPPPHHHHHFFFFFT*
This entire post just about killed me.
Oh.
And I like the counter top option. Not too dark. Good mix of colors. Gooooood.

Tessa
Tessa
15 years ago

Um… not to discourage you, but when I first saw the silestone, I totally thought it was a picture of bees swarming over something.

anna
anna
15 years ago

Don’t do the cherry, too much in-yer-face colour for a smallish kitchen, plus it will ‘date’ sooner making your place harder to sell on etc. I love the counter top granite- to warm it up, you should def. go with creams and warm mute-ish tones for walls, cabinets and floors…..(whew, like, i really out did myself with the design advice there!)

Leah
15 years ago

I actually introduced the term “ass trombone” into my relationship lexicon last night (in bed!) because it’s just too good to keep to myself. Thanks to you, Linda, you will be in our thoughts every time we let a big one rip.

Swistle
15 years ago

I remember the time of measuring my life in two-week increments: two weeks until ovulation, two weeks until pregnancy test; two weeks until ovulation, two weeks until pregnancy test; etc. Exciting and also scary. I had those same worries about what if there’s a fertility problem and we’re just wasting time here.

I had a couple of friends who said the ovulation kits weren’t much help to them, so I didn’t try them. What I did was pay attention to cervical fluid, and then….you know. Do it a WHOLE LOT. Like every night for a week at around the right time of month (starting early is better than late: once you ovulate, the window is closed within 24 hours, but those little swimmikins can survive several days in the waiting room, if you’re still following me…or still reading, rather than scorching out your eyes and wishing we were not discussing this at all), and more if anyone can stand the thought of it. This is too much information, right? It is, right? Just trying to do my part for Team Sucktopus here.

Jennifer
15 years ago

OMG, I snorted an apple-juice seltzer up my nose at “time to start riding the baloney pony” then I barely had that cleaned up when I hit “You understand how much farting a guy has to do to think it’s too much?” and I lost it and scared the cats. Then I thought it couldn’t get any better until I read “a sort of whalelike communication song between our respective rear ends” LOLOLOLOL but still had yet to come to the grand finale: “Um, I need a new pair of pants over here.”

Still laughing. Still blowing my nose and wiping the tears. And the cats are still hiding under the couch.

jonniker
15 years ago

I can’t believe we’re talking about Tampax here, when over the last few days, my life has been TAKEN OVER by non-stop menstruation solution evaluation by an ungodly amount of very, very funny people. Honestly, this is so funny.

However, feelings on reusable menstruation…collection units aside, I, too, am dealing with the effects of all the vegetables and DAMN, I don’t know what to do, because I’ve always been of the gaseous variety anyway, but now things are down right…explosive…and I do live in fear of…

The Shart.

And after what feels like two and a half pounds of carrots dipped in fat free goddamned salsa a day (ZERO POINTS SUCKERS), my fear is not entirely unfounded. Consider this your first warning. The Shart looms large.

Jennifer
15 years ago

Communicating like whales…ha!!!

Love the countertop!

Ovulation predictor kits actually predicted ovulation several days before it actually occurred for me…just a thought.

Laura D.
Laura D.
15 years ago

I have that exact color of SileStone, and I love it. It hides so many stains that to get the counter actually clean I need a cloth – so I can feel the gunk on the counter. My lame-ass website above has pictures.

My partner and I laughed out loud about the fart comments!! Thanks!

Joanie
Joanie
15 years ago

Buy the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility — I used it and I’m knocked up. :) I didn’t even use the ovulation predictor kits.

jonniker
15 years ago

I have Taking Charge of Your Fertility, and while I would indeed, second the advice, I didn’t particularly enjoy messing with my mucus and, uh, putting it between my fingers to see what was going on down there.

Also, Sundry, I think TCoYF recommends the, uh, PreSeed that I was telling you about the other day. I *think*. I can’t remember.

Shelly
15 years ago

I like the Silestone a lot. I think it’s neutral enough to give you a lot of options to work with, but not so much that it’s bland.

I had great luck with a combo of ovulation predictor kits and temperature taking. Our general rule was to try every other night until I got a postive OPK, then we went nightly until the OPK turned negative and/or my temperate jumped. Some months we did better than others with adhering to the plan, but it only took us about 6 months. & sure, the fun of the deed was completely dead by then, but you do what you gotta do. As Swistle said, living your life in 2-week increments is not the most fun, but know that you aren’t alone.

Also, as many have already said, the Taking Charge of Your Fertility book is great, even if there are extraordinarily frightening pictures of cervical fluid included.

g~
g~
15 years ago

You know you have a really good marriage when you keep score by how noxious your gas is.
I am winning…as always.
I could not fathom being in a relationship where, God Forbid, I had to hold them in…my intestines would burst.
kinda gross, actually.

Sarah
15 years ago

“whalelike communication”… absolutely brilliant!

Love your writing style! And bonus: you’re hilarious!

Sarah
15 years ago

And I echo Caitlin’s suggestion about the DivaCup… I got one in the fall, and I started chronicling my experiences on a blog… http://diva.atransparentlife.com.

Won’t ever go back!

laura
laura
15 years ago

ROFL. “Toot toot!” as Jo Jo would say. She asks me to do “toot toot” while sitting on the toilet. She knows what happens in there.

I’m loving your silestone choice. Can you send some of that over here. Formica sux.

Lisa
15 years ago

I think this post is hillarious! Love love love it!

samantha jo campen
15 years ago

I was laughing. A lot. And loud. And The Husband calls out from the other room, “Are you reading that Sundry person again?” So he totally knows. Plus, you made me laugh so hard I farted.

I’m lactose intolerant so that was a fun time between the diagnosis–farts galore–then I switched to soy. Holy Jesus. That was even worse! I could clear a room in .02 seconds. Even my little nephew said my pants smelled like death.

Wow. Okay buddy, thanks.

So no dairy or soy for me. Good luck though!

Liz in Australia
Liz in Australia
15 years ago

That first sentence made me laugh so hard. I would use “baloney pony” but I don’t think it really translates in an Australian context…

Farts are funny!

Kristi
Kristi
15 years ago

Not sure I can effectively comment here as I am still trying to get the coffee out of my nose (owie) from where it got lodged trying to read this post!

I vote for your choice of countertop, cherry colored cabinets, really warm buttery colored walls, wood floors and ss appliances. Even in a small space it will look great for years – so do not worry about it “aging” your remodel. It totally will NOT do that.