April 29, 2007

Since reading the comments on my last post, I’ve been daydreaming about a spa vacation. I’ve never even considered such a thing before, because I always assumed they cost hojillions of dollars and were only accessible to the Botox’d rich and famous—but after doing a little searching I see there are packages that are actually sort of affordable. I mean, they seem comparable to a resort-y type vacation, anyway.

I can’t quite picture going to a spa alone, even though that seems like the whole point. I’m stupidly shy and I have a crippling fear of enforced social activities like group lunches where you don’t know anyone and you have to pick one of the crowded tables where everyone is already becoming bosom buddies and laughing heartily and offering to donate kidneys to each other and you plop down with your meal and your robotic smile and your wild, darting eyes and you have to make small talk. “So . . .” you begin, with desperation, wishing with every molecule in your body that the ground would gape open beneath your table revealing the earth’s molten core below and you could slip casually out of sight, happy to be engulfed by flames because at least you wouldn’t have to finish that fucking sentence.

Uh. Yeah. Issues.

But oh, I love the idea of a whole vacation all to myself, a few days of total pampering and a bunch of services I’d never normally indulge in. Facials. Skin wraps. Hot stone massage. I want it all, and I want relaxing zenlike music and some beautiful countryside and a delicious dinner (consumed in furtive, intimidated solitude, of course) featuring local cuisine and flatware I don’t have to clean. And chocolate afterwards. Savored while lying in the bed with an outlandish, positively illegal thread count.

That all sounds particularly fantastic this morning, since thus far I have 1) followed Riley around cleaning little dribble-puddles from the cup he refuses to let go of and I haven’t had nearly enough coffee yet to deal with the screaming meltdown (“Joo! JOO! JOOOOOO!”) that will ensue if I take it away, 2) picked about a thousand of these sticky little motherfuckers out of various textiles in the living room including Riley’s pajama-clad bottom, and 3) spied Cat hunched in Eminent Hurl Position and galloped like Barbaro to the front door which I flung wide open, revealing my half-dressed self in all its 8 AM glory to the bevy of roof workers hanging out in front of my neighbor’s house who turned as one to stare at me literally throwing my cat—mid-barf—several feet through the air to land precisely on the welcome mat, where she immediately and loudly produced the entirety of her breakfast, while I swept back inside cursing my inability to aim her at the easily-hosed concrete and the roof workers cackled something in Spanish (Quién es esa muchacha estúpida y su gato el vomitar?) to each other.

Well, perhaps someday I’ll visit Canyon Ranch, in the meantime, I’ve got these repulsive mounds of cat puke to deal with. Maybe some relaxing zenlike music will help.


36 Responses to “Lustful seaweed wrap fantasies”

  1. hello insomnia on April 29th, 2007 9:18 am

    What if you just had a massage during lunch, like at a reputable place, not one with “happy endings.” There’s InSpa at U-Village that I’ve heard great things about.

  2. Shannon on April 29th, 2007 9:28 am

    Oh god, whatever you do, DON’T GO TO ROSARIO RESORT AND SPA CENTER ON ORCAS ISLAND. It may sound relaxing and nifty and pampered–it is not. It is a dump, an expensive dump at that. That is my one piece of local advice.

  3. Nikki on April 29th, 2007 9:31 am

    What the heck were those sticky things? From my point of view, it looked like a slug and I am hoping I’m wrong :P

  4. Serror on April 29th, 2007 9:40 am

    those evil sticky things are from a tree. They are not slugs but way way more annoying.

  5. donna on April 29th, 2007 9:46 am

    No, it’s the stuff off the trees, poplar, maybe cottonwood.
    I love solo vacations, (as I believe I’ve said before, ad nauseum), but for a spa vacation, I recommend just staying at Mandalay Bay in Vegas. Their spa stuff is oh so delish, and then there’s Sephora right across the street, and the mall down the street from there. And then you can go lie on their beach and soak up some rays, that will undo all the good stuff you just did for your skin so that you can have an excuse for going back. See how that works?
    And there’s some really good places in Taos too, but it’s still kinda cool up there. I spent a weekend by myself there at a place called the Amizette Inn B&B, I got a massage and sage smudging one day, and a facial the next. And sat up all night watching the snow, drinking hot chocolate with Bailey’s Irish creme in it. Shopping all day, and the Taos Gorge. What more could you want?

  6. Alyson on April 29th, 2007 10:02 am

    Mommy only vacations are KEY! Do it some time soon, JB’s opinion be damned (if he is in a non-cooperating mood). It took me 23 years of marriage to do something like that……..how stoooopid was I? My first mommy vacation was three days in Victoria, BC just walking around, shopping, knitting and reading. A spa would have been nice, but time to do what I want, WHEN I want was vacation enough.

    Hand in hand with this idea is – Mom and Dad ONLY vacations. Also very key. I love my kids to distraction, don’t get me wrong (and you better not treat one of my kids unfairly, or Mama Tiger comes out!), but time alone and time with your husband makes you a better mom. Anybody who says differently is just plain crazy!

  7. Josh on April 29th, 2007 10:07 am

    I don’t need a vacation. I can handle all my work and stress. But if I could I would give my woman a nice long one. The poor thing is pooped out and her nerves are frayed. I hope you get to go on one. It sounds really nice.

  8. Maureen on April 29th, 2007 10:27 am

    That sticky thing looks like a cottonwood bud to me. We had them for years, they would get all over the carpet, on the furniture, the dogs would track them in on their paws. Anyway, we ended up cutting down all the cottonwoods in our yard, thank goodness. Those things are so sticky, and it turned out I was allergic to the sappy stuff on them. (it got me out of brushing off the dog’s paws for a couple years)

    Funny stuff with the cat flinging!

  9. Alex on April 29th, 2007 10:30 am

    Josh! You make it sound like vacations are only necessary when work and stress and life in general have become too much to handle! No no no…I like vacations so much because it’s a big beautiful world out there, and what a shame to never be able to experience any of it. Because quite often, my friend, people come home from vacations “needing a vacation.” Heh. I think the main point is to be able to experience something new, not just escape your reality. If all you want to do is escape your reality, maybe you should take a look at *changing* your reality! (I don’t mean you YOU, Josh, I mean you in the general sense)

    Happy vacationing, real or otherwise!

  10. Mary on April 29th, 2007 11:12 am

    Semiahmoo! I went up there last year with a girlfriend, and my only complaint was that we could only stay one night. We just had massages, but they have all the spa treatments you could want. And the food is yummy. And Mt. Baker and the Strait are just right there, it’s gorgeous everywhere you look. You could spend a whole weekend just walking on the beach. Highly recommended.

  11. Kristi on April 29th, 2007 11:24 am

    What is it with the cat hurling anyway? My cat does the same thing and we have to keep close surveillance on her because there is somewhere between a 3.2-second and 30-second gap between food consumption and piles of barf to clean up. And woe to the adult who does not fling her ass outside in time. The worst is when you are flinging in mid-barf. Then you’re just pissed off at youself. Ah, good times.

  12. Christina on April 29th, 2007 11:42 am

    OMG laughing. tears. snorting… er I mean just laughing really hard.

    I am sorry to laugh at your life but you are funny and I SO know how you feel on any given morning (minus the cat throw up – no cat but I do deal with heathen dogs…) Ah, to spa without any interruptions…

    Oh guess you all are right life would not be near as much fun if we were at a spa!

  13. Pete on April 29th, 2007 12:19 pm

    I could have written this post (except for the cat and the workers). You need ‘alone’ vacations sometimes. I mentioned to the wife last year that I haven’t had a vacation since 1991 when I went backpacking with my brothers. Family vacations are fun but sometime you need the freedom to do what you want to do, when you want to do it without worrying about someone else.

  14. Laura H on April 29th, 2007 12:44 pm

    Did two spa vacations (I went to the second because I thought the first was just a fluke bad time). Never again. It just wasn’t for “me”…meaning who I am. I get a massage every other week and take my down time type vacations in small little out of the way places. I just am not into mud baths and that thing. But at least now,I know. Plus my fellow spa mates were of the snobbish set.

  15. JMH on April 29th, 2007 1:22 pm

    Every year, for either Christmas or my birthday, DH gives me an entire day at the spa. It includes lunch, but I never sit with other people and I take a book or magazine along to read so that no one sits with me. Pretty much, people leave each other alone. No small talk.(I hate that too!) It is not a vacation, but it is GREAT for a day (8 hours)

  16. Chiara on April 29th, 2007 1:47 pm

    Girl. Hello. The Spa. Yes, it is in a strip mall in Lynnwood, but also, YES, it is awesome and you can bring a book to eat your yummy Korean lunch in the cafe there: you don’t have to talk to anyone but you do have to wear your pink striped bathrobe and pink striped shower cap at all times. I wish you and me and Amy and Jen could all go together this weekend!

  17. Lesley on April 29th, 2007 3:19 pm

    Well…..you could always go to one of those silent meditation retreats where not talking is the point, but I’m not sure you’d get the thread count and the food might be less than chef-y.

    I have a Shoes off at the front door rule. That way nothing gets tracked in. (Unless these things are coming in via Dog and Cat or flying in.)

    I’m dreading the little red fruity fly things that appear out of nowhere and linger until the cold season.

  18. jaime on April 29th, 2007 4:37 pm

    I have a weird talent when it comes to cat barf. If I catch my cat on the edge of puking up a hairball or perhaps the vast quantities of dry food she’s eaten too quickly, I can yell something inane like “NOOOOOOT ON THE CARPET!” and she’ll STOP. Don’t ask me what happens to it, it’s probably all in a big pile under my bed or something.

  19. Amanda on April 29th, 2007 6:40 pm

    Ohh, the cat barf. My cat is not good at being outside. He likes it, he’s just a big suck and gets scared by things like cars, or big birds or the wind or something, and has to run back in all the time. I can usually tell when he’s going to barf (sticks out tongue, meows weirdly, starts to jump off of couch in a panic) and then aim him at an old newspaper. No one else in my family seems to be able to do this properly. I had to learn how because every time I washed my quilt he would barf all over my bed. :/ While I was in it. :///

  20. Jan on April 29th, 2007 6:51 pm

    If you are serious about a spa getaway, you should check out the all-inclusive resorts in Punta Cana, the Dominican Republic. My daughter and I went to the Punta Cana Princess a couple of years ago and spent some time at the spa. It was incredibly cheap and heavenly. In hindsight, we should have spent our entire vacation in the spa. We stayed in a fabulous room and had all our food and liquor included for $600 each for four days. That included our airfare. The spa was more but it was about $100 for a massage, wrap, facial, etc. etc. etc. We booked with Vacation Express. Go for it!

  21. laughing mommy on April 29th, 2007 8:33 pm

    About being alone at the spa…

    I went to a spa in New Mexico with my two best friends a while ago. We all entered the spa togehter, sat in a nice little waiting room together (with zenlike music and peaceful lighting). After that, we each went to our facial, massages, etc by ourselves. If we hadn’t agreed to meet up for mani/pedi’s (which we had to request and schedule our other treatments carefully to achieve) we would not have seen each other the entire day.

    I’m sure going by yourself wouldn’t be that different from going with a friend. The place we went had excellent restaurants, but also had excellent room service, so if you wanted to be alone for meals it would be totally easy.

  22. JennyM on April 30th, 2007 5:43 am

    I am so with you on the crippling social anxiety, and I hate going new places by myself that so clearly have a “routine” because I don’t know the routine and apparently I’d rather NOT enjoy myself than risk looking pitiful and lonely and like I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, especially since everyone else in the world already knows the routine and they’re either silently pitying or covertly laughing at the poor, clumsy loser who can’t get it right. I realize that’s actually highly unlikely, and you’d think that since I *know* it’s a psychological construct of entirely my own making I’d be able to get past it, especially since on those rare occasions that I *do* exert myself I end up having a fabulous time, but… Yeah.

    Maybe you should have a Sundry Spa Getaway and all us painfully shy folk could go at once and be painfully shy together while we admire one anothers’ pedicures.

  23. ang on April 30th, 2007 6:14 am

    I’ll go with you! I’m horrible at small talk, insanely uncomfortable around those who I percieve as ‘better than I’ (which is basically anyone with good hair) but I’ll bring a book and promise to help drool over the pool boy.

  24. Tracy on April 30th, 2007 6:49 am

    You know – if you AND the husband had a short getaway at a spa, you could get BOTH get away and do whatever you want (away from each other), but still have each other to eat with and…Um…do other relaxing things with :-P

  25. Mare on April 30th, 2007 7:10 am

    I had an anti-cellulite seaweed mud wrap on Saturday – my second appointment in two weeks. It seems to be actually working! My horridly soft upper arms seem to be somewhat tighter and smoother, and the whole process of being slathered in mud and sealed in plastic on a heated bed for an hour is totally relaxing.

    I highly recommend it, even if only at a local spa in the middle of a Saturday afternoon while JB has the boy.

  26. Joan on April 30th, 2007 7:59 am

    I hate those sticky things with all my heart. Why I planted a poplar tree right next to my deck I’ll will never know!! Actually I DO know, it was cheap..and now I’m paying the price of my tightwaddeness.

  27. Ang on April 30th, 2007 8:09 am


  28. MRW on April 30th, 2007 8:49 am

    I too feel your pain on the social anxiety – actually I don’t really mind going places alone, but I REALLY can’t handle things like forced group lunches and small talk – being alone is fine, being alone and forced to interact with strangers is a horror. So, the spa alone idea is fine as long as I can eat all of my meals in my room or on my private deck and not have to talk to anyone ;-)

  29. ginger on April 30th, 2007 9:38 am

    Oh god, yes, Olympus. One tiny observation is it’s extremely naked in the bathy section, but otherwise it is very robe-y and spa. (And when everybody is equally naked, nobody seems that naked after the first 5 minutes.)

  30. Mandy on April 30th, 2007 1:51 pm

    Just yesterday I just the spa gift certificate my husband got me for LAST Mother’s Day. I can’t believe it took me almost a year to use it! This wasn’t a vacation exactly, but it was 2 amazing hours being totally pampered–sans child. Full body salt rub exfoliation (then a shower), followed by being wrapped up in hot herbed-soaked linens (then another shower), followed by a 1-hour full body massage. Aaaahhh, bliss.

  31. Mymsie on April 30th, 2007 5:18 pm

    Saw this and thought of you. :)

  32. Cartwheels At Midnight on April 30th, 2007 5:31 pm

    The Spa?!?! You mean that’s a Real Place? I thought it was just a myth!

    Divorce…House for sale… graduating senior… moving in with the parents… & jobless in 2 months….

    I think I’m going to need the Mother of All Spas.

  33. kim on April 30th, 2007 5:53 pm

    Spa day…it’s yours if you are ever in my area. You can even make it a couples one with “JB”. On me! I don’t just “know people”, I AM PEOPLE! HA!

  34. Melanie on April 30th, 2007 8:51 pm

    Spa vacation sounds damn good to me, too. Maybe that’s where my bonus will go next year. We live close to two really nice ones, so I could just do a day spa thing, but I guess that wouldn’t be quite the same. I hope you get to go away soon, somewhere without little picky motherfuckers stuck to your clothes and cats and shoes and dogs and stuff. (I like that my google spellcheck recognizes “motherfucker” but not “google” or “spellcheck”.)

  35. Jackie on May 7th, 2007 9:16 am

    Can’t you write something without using the “F” words?

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