May 1, 2007

I was looking at my naked belly in the mirror this morning, because that is just the thrilling sort of life I lead, and I couldn’t help but notice that while there is actual muscle in my abdominal area now (okay, some muscles. A few. Okay, one. I call him Fred) thanks in part to that beshitted “boat” yoga pose, my midsection is not smooth and taut like a crisp Westin bedsheet. Instead, it’s kind of wrinkly and saggy like something you’d find at a Motel 6, although without the sort of stains you might find with a blacklight, thank you very much.

Even if I hold my breath and contort myself into what appears to be the most flattering angle possible—with Fred all flexed and shit—it is apparent my belly once grew several times its own size. Like the Grinch’s heart. Or one of those spongy dinosaurs you drop in water and it becomes a much larger spongy dinosaur. Or, did you see the movie Akira?

Now that my larval passenger has been vacated for 19 months and counting, it seems like my skin should have returned to its previous condition, which is to say: less discount motel-ish. But no. It’s like a stretched-out shirt, permanently attached to my body.

And my ungrateful son, for whom I have forever rendered my body unfit for all but the most demure of two-piece bathing suit options (we shall lovingly embrace the suspension of belief necessary to assume I ever would have worn a revealing bikini anyway), had the nerve to yell at me this morning—just like a pissy, emo-listening TEENAGER— when I wasn’t instantaneous enough with His Master’s juice cup, and when I handed it to him he yanked it from my grip, issuing a dismissive “Tan too” over his shoulder as he motored off.

“For this I have a Motel 6 belly?” I shouted at his retreating, midgety form. “TAN TOO DOESN’T CUT IT, MISTER.”

:::

Have any of you ever used that crazy expensive La Mer stuff? What on earth is it made out of, heroin-stuffed, blood-diamond-encrusted Beluga caviar?

:::

A conversation the other day:

JB: “Hey, do you want to go to the cabin for Mother’s Day?”

Me: “For Mother’s Day. So my Mother’s Day gift would be a weekend involving a fourteen hour round trip drive with an insane screaming toddler and a husband who refuses to give up the driver’s position because of, let me see if I can remember this right, ‘a need to be in control while the car is moving’?”

JB: “. . .”

Me: “Remember last year when you dropped the ball completely and said you didn’t think you had to get me anything because Riley wasn’t old enough to help pick it out? The only way I could have a lamer Mother’s Day than that is if we drove to the goddamned cabin.”

I know, I know, I am a giant bitch. But I ask you.

Comments

48 Responses to “Cheap hotel thorax”

  1. Jessica on May 1st, 2007 2:31 pm

    Seriously! Your mother’s day should be whatever you want it to be (here I’m thinking afternoon at the spa to get away from it all). On the plus side, his is thinking about it this year…

  2. Amy M. on May 1st, 2007 2:31 pm

    What about that spa weekend? Or even just a spa day?

    I like to say I’m protecting my 6-pack! Wouldn’t want Fred to get damaged, now, would you?

    Tan too for making me laugh out loud today!

  3. jen on May 1st, 2007 2:32 pm

    *blocks ears and sings*

    dont wanna think about what babies do to bodies after thier conception. haha. it might completely deter me from having kids and no im not that vain. hah.

  4. Nikki on May 1st, 2007 2:34 pm

    Amen, sister!

  5. Jessamyn on May 1st, 2007 2:34 pm

    My stepmother buys the La Mer stuff. Yeah. And makes sure not to reveal to my father how much it costs, although she tells me often enough that it seems clear she is actually proud of the price! Crazy. (And I’m sure it’s nice and all, but you would not look at her skin and say OH MY GOD! PLEASE TELL ME YOUR SKIN SECRET! Which to me is the minimum you should expect if you’re paying that much for a face cream.)

  6. Kristy on May 1st, 2007 2:38 pm

    Tan too for making me laugh today.

  7. ginger on May 1st, 2007 2:47 pm

    Careful, there, beautiful – there is an excellent chance, based on what you’ve told us of JB, that you will end up getting the Mother’s Day gift of the driver’s seat for the 14-hour round trip. “What? I thought you said you wanted to drive. You’re the boss! Just wake me up when we get there.”

    I have never used LaMer. Their products look to run about $50 per ounce – I assume $45 of that is for copywriting. The description of the Radiant Facial reminds me of lesbian porn, with all the calming and soothing and accepting and transforming.

  8. Josh on May 1st, 2007 2:47 pm

    Well damn woman, what the fuck do you want from him? You might not know this, but despite our many talents, men can’t read womens minds. Even if we could I’m pretty sure they would fluctuate so rapidly that it would render our skills completely useless. We don’t even reach novice levels of mood divination without decades of trial and ERROR. (read the capitalized font in a drill instructor gut-scream) Why don’t you not jump his ass for a probably well meant suggestion and instead suggest something you would rather do. Like sanity classes for all womankind.

    Or a spa treatment or whatever, it’s your day. Happy Mothers Day.

    Sorry for the rant. I just lost my woman to complete insanity, when I was breaking my back to make it work, and I hate to see it happen to others. And sorry about your belly wrinkles. Say hi to Fred for me.

  9. Emma on May 1st, 2007 2:49 pm

    I once bought the La Mer lip balm (well, my ex bought it for me, then I lost it, so I had to buy one to pretend I *hadn’t* lost a £40 pot of lip balm…) Tbh, it was ok, but no better than Carmex or Elizabeth Arden 8 Hour Cream.

    Also, whilst you mentioned swimsuits, if you fancy treating yourself, there’s a brilliant article over at Faking Good Breeding; – Meg’s doing a series on swimsuits and there are some lovely designs :)

    As for Mother’s Day, I agree with the other commenters, get them to shell out on a Spa day for you :)

  10. Ingrid on May 1st, 2007 2:55 pm

    My husband says to me, “Well, you aren’t MY mom!” As if! Pfft, I pushed HIS offspring out of me, where I housed her for a grand total of 41 1/2 weeks, mind you – so there should be some benefit to me.

    Now that she is 8, I’m looking forward to some french toast in bed. I may get salmonella from undercooked eggs, but I’ll love them just the same! Also, the cards she creates for me do rock. Last year I got ‘diamonds’ from WalMart.

    My advice is to get a SPA DAY while Riley is still unable to help with the shopping :) Perhaps JB and Riley could go to the cabin without you? No there is a mother’s day!

  11. Annie on May 1st, 2007 2:58 pm

    Dude, he’s lucky you didn’t take his head off. I’d say anythig that involves a little time to yourself is in order. I, personally, would love 10 uninterrupted hours of sleep.

  12. Emma on May 1st, 2007 2:59 pm

    !!!

    I didn’t kill the internet (or rather, your website) – woot! Subsequently, you can ignore my frantic email to you. I thought my screwed up html tag above had completely banjaxed your coding… apparently not!

    Anyhoo, carry on :)

  13. King of the Cubicle on May 1st, 2007 3:13 pm

    For the record, I think Motel 6 bellies are hot. But when you mentioned the black light stains, water came out of my butt.

  14. missbanshee on May 1st, 2007 3:46 pm

    *blinks disbelievingly*

    Um…he wants you to go to a CABIN? And spend FOURTEEN HOURS in the car? For…for a PRESENT?

    Perhaps he can get a psych evaluation for Mother’s Day.

    a CABIN? I just have no words.

  15. Gena on May 1st, 2007 4:03 pm

    As for the stomach – after 4 children, my belly, no matter how muscled, is still covered with wrinkly skin. It actually looks better with more fat on it. Go figure.

    My favorite Mother’s Day? I would love to visit with my children for approximately one hour, after which their father will whisk them away and I can just stay in bed ALL DAY. I don’t want to cook, clean, answer questions, wipe noses, or solve problems. I just want to BE. It is just one day, for goodness sake.

  16. Rayne on May 1st, 2007 4:21 pm

    You are awesome! Cabin Shmabin – you should totally go to the spa, if only for the day. After all, you’re the one who ended up with the Motel 6 belly. And I totally know what you mean because my ass, it has relocated. Somewhere south and after 4 years I think it has decided it isn’t coming back.

  17. Mary O on May 1st, 2007 4:30 pm

    Your Mother’s Day last year sound eerily reminiscent of my Mother’s Day last year (also my first as a mom!). My husband didn’t get me anything because out then four-month-old couldn’t pick it out for me. All I’m saying is he better do better this year, because a 16-month-old still can’t buy a gift.

    Do some major hinting for a Gene Juarez facial. Heaven on earth!!!

  18. Pagne on May 1st, 2007 4:37 pm

    I’ve noticed with some people, when they try to give gifts to the people they love the most, they close their eyes and picture what they themselves would most want. In your husband’s case, if you suggested driving down to the cabin for his birthday, he would probably die happy.
    My sister does the same thing, every year, she tries to throw me a big drunken bash and every year I turn her down in favor of a quiet family dinner. Or she’ll get me spa and salon certificate which is the opposite of what I would like (I’m more an REI girl). I just tell myself that she means well but she has a VERY hard time understanding why I like the things I like.

  19. sundry on May 1st, 2007 4:42 pm

    Pagne: I think you’re right. We DO in fact go to that cabin every year for his birthday. : )

  20. Melissa on May 1st, 2007 4:48 pm

    I totally have the same wrinkles and no Fred.
    My husband did nothing for Mother’s Day last year as well so he needs to make up for it too. I can’t imagine 14 hours in a car with a toddler…I guess it’s good JB is trying though. And it’s good you set him straight. :)

  21. Lacey Noel on May 1st, 2007 4:53 pm

    You know, I’ve SEEN Akira. Lots of times. And I am 100% sure that your tummy looks nothing like anything that came out of Tetsuo.

    If that makes you feel any better…

  22. breckgirl on May 1st, 2007 5:22 pm

    My sister in law bought the La Mer stuff and says it’s “amazing” but I think she only says that because it is so expensive and she is a label whore who does everything the celebs do. Next week I’m sure she’ll be on to something else.

    I started using products from a company called Arbonne (it is the R9 Nutri something set) and I have to say that I am damned impressed with this stuff. The serum has totally changed my skin and their facial scrub is fabulous. It is a little pricey but no more so than Clinique or Lancome.

    Screw that cabin plan. I think you need a spa day – sans kid and husband.

  23. Liz in Australia on May 1st, 2007 5:24 pm

    I’m in with the suggestion of sending Riley and JB off to the cabin without you. But in case that seem a bit, well, unmaternal for Mother’s Day, then get Riley trained for making breakfast in bed at an early age. He can carry the juice ;-)

    One of my most treasured Mother’s Day memories is the first year my new partner, now DH, helped my eldest, then aged 5, make me breakfast in bed – I ended up with GREEN scrambled eggs because they could only find powdered oregano. Now I have green scrambled eggs every year, because it’s traditional…

  24. Donna on May 1st, 2007 5:44 pm

    Linda, don’t read this part:
    JB, we know you read the blog.
    Could she have hinted ANY more than what she has that she wants a spa weekend away?
    I think not.
    Be the super hubby that we know you are and get her one.
    See how easy that was?
    (that was not bitchiness that you heard earlier, it was panic that you weren’t getting it. And maybe a *little* sarcasm)
    JB don’t read this part:
    Linda, you gotta realize that guys don’t understand hints and you just gotta tell them. (and you can only bullshit them that the bitchiness is sarcasm so many times, and then they do catch on and then you’re screwed)
    …………….End of marital advice………..

    After I had my first kid with my ex, I was putting lotion on my legs, and had bent over and my belly accordioned up and I saw this look on his face of pure horror, and that, that was when I knew we were done. Unfortunately being the glutton for punishment that I was, I had another kid by him and 5 more years before saving all our lives and getting the hell out.
    I’d give money if my belly looked that good now, hell I was at 115 then, and never will I see those days again. And I thought I looked hideous?!?. What was I thinking.
    Sorry, this became my blog there for a sec huh? Sorry, backing away, shutting up!

  25. Swistle on May 1st, 2007 5:52 pm

    Guys can say all they want that they “can’t read women’s minds,” but perhaps if we turn the tables for a moment, we can see how they could TRY. I mean, what if you suggested that for Father’s Day he might like a mani-pedi, a leg wax, a facial, and the new Maeve Binchy novel? Clearly there is “can’t read women’s minds” and there is “not even trying.”

    Cabin. Snort.

  26. Danielle on May 1st, 2007 6:41 pm

    I hear ya sister on the extra wrinkly skin issue – I just had baby #2 a short 3 months ago, and BLECH..it is scary. people keep telling me it will go away – when is this happening? And when am I supposed to be exercising? I have a 2 1/2 yr old and a 3 month old – the treadmill is the last thing i would think to do if I had a spare 30 minutes. Sorry for the rant, I hate this jelly belly. Hmmph.

    I like the spa day idea.

  27. Jen on May 1st, 2007 7:25 pm

    I had kid #1 nine months ago, and about the belly skin thing? Seriously – when the hell does it go away? I mean, none of my friends have kids, so I’m really asking here. Be brutal – I really want to know. I’ve lost all the “baby weight” (thank you breastfeeding!), and even do some sit ups and stuff, but the skin tone seems just totally kaput. Does it *ever* go away??? Does it only go away with the help of a team of surgeons and a scalpel? What’s the real scoop? Has anything worked for you guys?

    (And no, you are not imagining the escalating note of panic in my voice…)

  28. Jem on May 1st, 2007 8:03 pm

    You should do the spa thing! When you said “cabin” I automatically thought “spa” for some reason

  29. Sarah on May 1st, 2007 8:06 pm

    Ha! I was just comparing my ever-burgeoning self to Tetsuo this very morning…

    O, JB, why for art thou such a MAN for goodnesssakes? He should make a nice breakfast (or order in!) and then leave you be to read (about zombies)/luxuriate in that awesome tub of yours/paint your toenails at a leisurely pace without the Boy around. And then he should come home in the evening toting dinner and with Little Dude worn out and sedate. At least, that would be *my* idea of the perfect day…

    Also, I let Jon know that even though I am still harboring the fugative, Mothers Day will in fact be celebrated in this household so he better damn well get me something (even if it’s just a sweetly drawn card).

  30. Jem on May 1st, 2007 8:07 pm

    PS – I’ve never had kids myself, but my sister has, and the skin thing doesn’t seem to go away unless you do exercises like, 24 hours a day, or you’re born with extremely taut skin. I do know a girl who’s had a baby and her skin is exactly how it was before she gave birth, and she puts it down to rubbing cocoa butter (or something similar) on her stomach all pregnancy, and also genes. Of course, never having had kids, I’m not the best one to give advice, but thats just what I’ve seen from people I know.

  31. renmen on May 1st, 2007 8:24 pm

    I am pregnant right now and am – lalalalalalalalalala – totally not hearing what you’re saying about your stomach. Deeeeenial.

    I do use La Mer, embarassingly, and I’ve used it for the past 9 years. I have really sensitive and dry skin and it’s the only thing that helps… Once I went to the Chanel counter where they had this super magnifying thingy that was supposed to show you your skin up close enough to scare the living crap out of you and make you buy their moisturizer. Anyways, when they did it on me (and I was 29 at the time, so it’s not like I was a wee babe) they were like “heeeey, what moisturizer do you use?!?” because my skin, apparently, looked pretty good. So maybe it works? Who knows.

    What you gotta do is get a sample size of their moisturizer and that’ll last you a good couple months if you use it just at night. If you’re really good you can keep doing that over and over. But if not, hey – at least a bottle lasts me a whole year. And you can use it as eye cream too. So it really is a *bargain*, you see. Also, my belly will look *just like it did before* after I give birth.

    -renee

  32. Jamie on May 1st, 2007 9:18 pm

    Dude. Sometimes you just have to lay it down. You weren’t a bitch, you were just being honest in an effort to prevent another lame Mother’s Day. Totally justifiable. If JB gets mad, you send him my way.

  33. Jamie :) on May 1st, 2007 10:41 pm

    You should definitely request a mother’s day spa trip to Tucson and spend it at Canyon Ranch!! The weather is absolutely gorgeous this week and the spa is amazing!! Plus, we could do lunch (if that isn’t too creepy and doesn’t cross any internet-non-relationship-relationship boundaries that I do not know of).

  34. angela on May 1st, 2007 11:49 pm

    1.) OH FUCK, MOTHER’S DAY, I SUCK I TOTALLY FORGOT.
    2.) This is the perfect opportunity to take a solo day-spa trip. Woot woot!
    3.) Hi.

  35. Laura H on May 2nd, 2007 4:08 am

    first child born-17 years ago at age 20…one more kid after and three pregnancies. Tummy still looks like it contained aforementioned 17 year old just last week. Mother’s Day? What’s that? I think we celebrate ummmm, once a decade. ;)

  36. jonniker on May 2nd, 2007 5:13 am

    I like Swistle’s comment, because SERIOUSLY. Father’s Day is coming up. Tell him you scheduled him for a facial and a mustache wax and see how he likes it.

  37. Her Ladyship on May 2nd, 2007 6:13 am

    I remember reading an interview a few years ago with Heather Locklear (this is before her infamous marriage bust-up) complaining that she showed her husband a container of La Mer and about passed out when he, innocent of how much it cost, scooped a giant handful out. I have decided that anything Hollywood stars believe to be that expensive is WAY out of my league, price-wise.

  38. Cavu on May 2nd, 2007 6:37 am

    Wait: You guys have a cabin out in the middle of one of the most beautiful parts of the whole planet? If you don’t wanna go, can I go?

    OK: You just spent a long while taking care of a toddler by yourself, and felt snappy at a husband who meant well–I’m just sayin’, sounds like a you’re due for a big fat break for your nerves in whatever form sounds appealing (spa, trip, the house to yourself, 10 hours of sleep, whatever).

  39. katie on May 2nd, 2007 6:53 am

    i also remember reading that heather locklear thing. i’m a beauty editor and i coudl suggest many a product that’s cheaper and works as well. la mer is popular precisely because celebs get it for free and then it’s on their minds when they get interviewed about their goodies. i’m sure it’s nice, but probably not worth the price.
    tan too! tan too very much!

  40. Becky on May 2nd, 2007 8:48 am

    I am with Swistle on this one. Fourteen hours round trip is long even if you don’t have a toddler in the car…unless it was like for a week and that was truly your heart’s desire.

  41. Omu on May 2nd, 2007 9:20 am

    The solution to the car trip proble is to have your wonderful toddler hand dadddy a catalog with a few items circled. Your toddler did it, and he’s telling daddy to order away!! Just this morning my bean handed daddy the catalog from 1-800-Flowers.com and told dad to get some for mom. ;)

  42. Andrea on May 2nd, 2007 1:06 pm

    Let me preface this by saying that I am a makeup and product junkie. The only real charges on my Nordstrom card are to the cosmetics and skincare department. So of course I have tried La Mer – and I was wildly disappointed. Not only does it have mineral oil in it – which is the same ingredient you can find in Oil of Olay and any other moisturizer – it didn’t do anything for my skin. I even ended up with a rash.

  43. nstig8r on May 2nd, 2007 1:59 pm

    i wouldn’t bother w/the la mer. i’ve had 2 kinds, one was a face lotion & one a body lotion & both were inherited from a ridiculously rich woman who goes thru beauty products like it’s toilet paper. i guess she wasn’t that impressed either or she’d have used them instead of giving them away.

  44. thejunebug on May 2nd, 2007 2:27 pm

    la mer = lamer. seriously- look at it!!! it’s probably a bunch of crazy people laughing at everyone paying that much for goop. ;)

  45. Sonia on May 2nd, 2007 10:19 pm

    My first mother’s day SUCKED. And I will never let my husband live it down. He did his best to make up for it the next year, with a full spa day. It got him off the hook, but if necessary, I WILL bring out ‘the hangover’ as a reminder of what that day should NEVER. EVER. Be like, again, lol. Good for you for voices what you don’t want. Sometimes guys need to be told exactly what to or not to do. Left to their own devices, you get crappy Mother’s Days like both of our firsts. Not bitchy, just particular.

  46. Sonia on May 2nd, 2007 10:20 pm

    Ugh. I meant ‘voicing’ what you don’t want. And now the song ‘Voices Carrie’ is stuck in my head. Time to go to bed……

  47. Misti on May 3rd, 2007 6:14 am

    I, at first, was quite like you on the La Mer trend. There is no reason that should be as expensive as it is, so yes, you’re paying for a name for the most part. However, I’ve been using it (I’m still on samples, actually) for about 2 months now and have received several compliments. I’ve never had bad acne or horrifying skin, but using La Mer has made it look fresher. I thought it was bogus, but when my ninth grade students started to say “Miss, you look different… your face is brighter!” — I knew it was worth it.

    You get big bottles for the money and they last for a long time. My mother has been using it for about a year now and she’s only had to make one big, bulk purchase.

    It may be a mind thing, but peace of mind is never something to complain about.

    OH! And the La Mer people we go see are SO good to give out samples before you make a purchase. And I’m talking MANY samples…so I think that’s pretty good of them!

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