July 16, 2007

More random images from the iPhoto library:

The Horrific Proposal: a drink of root beer, but only if you try this broccoli.


The cruel bait-and-switch.



Sorrow ensues. Note Dog’s total lack of concern for the tragedy at hand.

And, of course, the eventual giving in. One sip only! Well, maybe two. We felt we had gotten our money’s worth, you know?


And now a question for the male readers (Pete and Josh, I’m looking in your direction): JB says that getting so much as tapped in the nuts—say, by a flailing toddler foot—can give a man the shits. “It’s totally possible,” he groaned, lying prone on the couch. “Ask anyone.” I think he’s FULL of shit, personally, but I’ve been wrong before.


31 Responses to “Fear of greens; query”

  1. velocibadgergirl on July 16th, 2007 8:46 pm

    I don’t know all that much about nut tapping, but I know that the photo of Riley running joyfully toward the root beer (probably in slow motion, set to the soundtrack of Chariots of Fire) has made my entire week.

  2. Yams on July 16th, 2007 8:57 pm

    That last picture is commercial worthy!

    I liked the way you named the pics too wah2 wahh2 – too funny.

  3. Christian O'Dell on July 16th, 2007 9:09 pm

    JB’s totally right.

    A flailing toddler foot to the cojones is like taking a sledgehammer to your grandmother’s antique china set.

    It starts out with a “Oh shit!” moment when you see the foot coming towards you. When that happens time actually slows down, this proving Einstein correct. Everything happens in slow motion and it’s mentally painful because you know that no matter what you do, you won’t be able to match the awesome speed that little shoe is traveling. So you suffer for what seems to be hours until the side of that shoe sole hit’s your testicles with a topspin so vicious it makes them bounce all the way around to your arse and then back like those rubber balls they staple to wooden paddles and sell at the state fair.

    He has my total sympathy.

  4. Ashley on July 16th, 2007 9:11 pm

    I just read this to ‘my’ Pete, he said “like diarrhea? Never heard that one before” So 1 for your team Linda. Oh and he has been more than ‘tapped’ in the crank in his lifetime. Sorry JB.

  5. Lisa V on July 16th, 2007 9:12 pm

    Those are fabulous pictures. I love messing with my kid’s head.

  6. Pete on July 16th, 2007 9:24 pm

    My kids get great joy when they ‘accidentally’ tap me. Depending on how hard a ‘tap’ is, having a shit is possible. My youngest kneed me hard enough once that if I could have crapped while I was moaning on the floor. Also, depending on how they are positioned it doesn’t take much to set them off.

  7. Monkey on July 16th, 2007 9:52 pm

    I’ve never been hit so hard that I crapped my pants, but I can see how somebody with lesser control might have it happen to them. I know that women experience all sorts of unbearable, excruciating pains from their body, but being hit in the nuts is indescribable. If it makes every guy in the room move to a more protective position, it’s bad. My two cents, at least.

  8. Elissa on July 16th, 2007 10:33 pm

    I think that if the testicles are traumatized it can cause a type of response on the vagus nerve. Which could, in theory, cause one to lose control of their sphincter.

  9. Erica on July 16th, 2007 10:37 pm

    I asked my husband and he said, “No” as well. No matter how hard he was kicked in the nuts, it would not prompt a bout of the shits.

    Also, those pictures are wonderful – he’s growing up so!

  10. Liz on July 16th, 2007 10:55 pm

    My husband said no to the pooping but added that a hard enough kick would make him barf.

    Lilia loves broccoli. It’s one of the very few veggies she will eat. On the other hand, root beer causes a gagging fit like you wouldn’t believe. She has that reaction to almost any carbonated beverage. Excellent (for now).

  11. Dirk on July 16th, 2007 11:15 pm

    I always just puked after getting smashed in the balls…never lost my bowels, though.

    For a while, my wife carried a giant purse which, when she spun around excitedly at Pottery Barn, or wherever, would invariably blast me in the gonads. Sometimes, there was no “bad” contact and I could move on. Other times, her cell. phone was neatly aligned in front of the Michener book or adobe brick or whatever she keeps in there and made contact like a croquet shot. The sweaty upper lip and roiling stomach I could handle, but having to explain to the PB staff why I was as white as their Classic 400tc sheets and limping like an old man while cradling the goods was humiliating.

    I bought her a Coach purse. A small one…

  12. Mack on July 16th, 2007 11:50 pm

    Oh god. Riley is SO freaking cute…when did he suddenly go from a baby into a shrunken man?

  13. Mack on July 16th, 2007 11:52 pm

    …I have a great habit of posting the creepiest typos in reference to small children.

    What I meant by the previous post was “When did he go from being a baby to a shrunken man?”…That still doesn’t look right.

  14. Jennifer on July 17th, 2007 12:32 am

    Love, love, LOVE the third and fourth pictures – he’s such a cuteyhead. What’s going on with that mutant piece of broccoli? I’d wag my finger at it too. Also, DOG!

  15. Lucy on July 17th, 2007 3:05 am

    Okay, I’m sorry but that was the literally the funniest thing I have seen in a very long time.

    It could not have been staged any better.

    And yeah, I’ve heard even the ball tap is excruciating. But you know, they’re dying when they’ve got a cough so maybe it’s an exaggeration?

  16. Karl on July 17th, 2007 4:52 am

    Pain and nausea, sure. Depending on the angles, even a fairly light kick can take you down. I don’t recall any urge to poop after a shot to the nuts, but I suppose it’s possible.

  17. Gregg on July 17th, 2007 5:27 am

    Despite my natureal tendency to side with the man, I have to say JB analysis is crap, no pun intended. Having suffered many times, nauseous yes, feeling like ur gonna die, yes, poop…no!

  18. Claudia on July 17th, 2007 5:39 am

    I have had terrific luck getting my kids to eat tons of brocolli by putting a dollop of honey on it. My three-year-old will eat an entire bunch in one sitting if there’s honey.

  19. Christina on July 17th, 2007 6:12 am

    Okay the comments are as funny as the original post… omg… I mean if it hurts to get kicked by a toddler in the “balls” that much no wonder women give birth and men do not (and we have the joy of actually pooping during that event with no recollection. sweeeet…)

    I did not ask my spouse but I would have to agree that no way would it cause one to shit their pants – writhe in agony, feel nauseous, but poop? Hmm… Although it does make my husband cringe to even see when my son grabs his penis and scrotum SO hard and squeeze (usually during diaper changes and more recently while going pee-pee or poopy on the potty.) He always has this look of great pain and walks away mumbling about how painful that must be… Matthew giggles.

  20. jen on July 17th, 2007 6:25 am


    omfg. hahahahahhaa.

  21. Swistle on July 17th, 2007 6:29 am

    Oh, those pictures are so cute-funny-cute-funny!

    I like what Lucy said: it probably DOES hurt like holy hell, but on the other hand, a mere cold is “the flu, maybe pneumonia, can you see if I have a fever?” so who can say for sure?

  22. Emily on July 17th, 2007 7:18 am

    Riley is adorable beyond all sense. Awww! Makes me think of the time my little sister was given broccoli and she got so incensed, she threw it.

  23. Amy M. on July 17th, 2007 8:02 am

    I love the picutre of Riley cringing from the broccoli like it’s going to attack. Perhaps it’s zombie broccoli…

    I am surprised at Dog’s lack of concern when there’s food around. My lab would be sniffing around, at least, even for broccoli!

  24. LauraH on July 17th, 2007 9:09 am

    Oooooh, I don’t know… if someone came at me with a piece of broccoli that looked kind of meagerish like that, I would be all pouty and unhappy too. ***note to Riley: I’d much rather have cauliflower*** My husband, thanks to our beloved son, has many a time been “tapped”…and has yet to end up with the poops from it. It does seem to send him on a longer afternoon nap though.

  25. Scott on July 17th, 2007 11:55 am

    Nice pics.

    Regarding JB’s query: yes. Yes, it is possible. It’s true that a toddler foot in mid-tantrum can generate more force that the foot of an NFL kicker, but the key point is that a toddler foot has a much smaller surface area, so that force is highly concentrated. It’s the reverse of the principle that allows you to lie on a bed of nails and not get impaled. I love that we are having this conversation.

    Sofia’s dislikes lately are very much concentrated on Whatever Is Happening Right Now. She loves broccoli, for instance, but if we were to feed it to her – thereby indicating our desire that she, you know, eat it – she would pitch a fit so intense that you’d think we were stabbing her with the broccoli, and also that the broccoli was a knife. However, if we were to take the same broccoli, put it on the filthy, filthy kitchen floor, tell her not to eat it under any circumstances, and then walk out of the room, she would wolf it down, because then it was her idea. Say, that gives me an idea…

  26. Colleen on July 17th, 2007 12:53 pm

    Love love love the photo story. I especially love that you just kept clicking away.

  27. Josh on July 17th, 2007 1:43 pm

    OK, so first off, mad props on the child cruelty photo adventure. That was great. Basically the only aspect of parenthood I look foreward to, along with teaching the spawn of Josh all sorts of uncouth behavior and dangerous tricks. (ie: how to pass out your siblings with hyperventilation and a bear hug. Thanks dad)

    Second, please, for the love of God, never underestimate the pain that can be brought forth from a good tap on the coin purse. It’s not even normal pain either, but rather a rush of pure fear, followed by a swelling tsunami of agony and hurricane force gusts of nausea. And it’s not necessarily the force of the impact that determines which ring of hell you end up in. Sometimes you can recieve a full body slam on the man nuggets and walk away with only a slight limp. Other times, even a todler foot (flailing or not) can bring down the heartiest of men. It’s one of those gender things you just can’t appreciate unless you’ve experienced. As for the shits, I would say it’s possible. Turn your head and cough, you know what I mean. For some reason (dark comedy I suspect) God saw fit to connect our pooper to our Achilles heel. I can’t say I’ve personally experienced the phenomenon, but I have many less years of experience than JB. Maybe that’s something I have to look forward to later in life.

  28. erica on July 17th, 2007 5:14 pm

    OMG… I love the photo montage. I cannot wait to fuck with my kid like that. I’m pretty sure you never thought you’d hear this, but you are my role model.

  29. Lawyerish on July 18th, 2007 6:30 am

    The guys’ comments to this entry are maybe the funniest things ever. The rushes of fear and nausea, the sickly pallor. That’s good stuff.

    I’m with those who have stated that the whole thing might be a *slight* exaggeration. I don’t usually buy into gender stereotypes, but there is no doubt in my mind that women have a FAR higher pain/illness threshold than men, so I can’t imagine that it’s so much more painful than anything that women can experience.

  30. Linda Ski on July 18th, 2007 8:52 am

    Sung to the tune of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” –

    Eat, eat, eat your greens Mr. Dinosaur!
    Hurry up & eat them all, so you can have some more!

    Also – we presented them as broccoli “trees” for our little dino’s dining pleasure…worked every time.

  31. Simon on July 18th, 2007 9:22 pm

    About the balls… it’s the strangest thing, I tell you. A male can take a pretty hard whack, if the angle is right, and all conditions are correct. That is why jock straps work – they position the boys in exactly the right spot so that you take a good whap and not die.

    Conversely, the tiniest tap, at the right angle, can suck the boys right back up into the abdomen, bring tears to the eyes, and drop the stomach down into the pelvis.

    Really, the tiniest tap can fuck up a ball.

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