Little known to all you mothers out there. We elephant seals have banded together to get some perks out of our marriages. You get the “one month salary” engagement rings (we’ve pooled our money together and hired a private investigator to find the person who invented this rule and have them shot) and 95% of the wedding gifts devoted to women things like $50 for a salad plate that you’re lucky to use once a year china (we’ve also funded the lobbying of Home Depot, Lowes, and Best Buy for wedding registries there) and we get to fake sleeping when our children wake up at 3AM.

Elephant seals of the world unite!

Oh, I feel your pain. I haven’t lived the toddler wackiness yet, but my daughter is about 6 weeks younger than Dylan and still waking up at least once a night. Truth be told, it’s a GREAT FREAKING NIGHT when she only wakes up once. Any you’re quite right – the person who wakes up when the baby cries gets to call how to deal with it. Any one who tells me to let her cry is invited to sit in my hallway listening to her scream for hours (literally) on end and explaining to our neighbors that we’re not murdering the baby just pointlessly insisting that she learn to self-soothe.

Ahem. Boy, I miss coffee sometimes.

Copy pasted that right into my husband’s email. He doesn’t snore but he (who is not unsensitive in most situations) seems to turn to the man of stone after the sun goes down and is completely unaffected by HOURS of pitiful wailing. I can say I did give the crying a chance but I’d really rather cuddle my 13-month old in the night. He won’t be little enough much longer. As far as the almost-3-yr old who uses the potty at school but not at home and still has a BOTTLE before her nap, uh yea well, I’m officially a BAD MOM.

“(JB tells me I should let him cry, and I say the person who actually wakes up when the baby cries is the person who gets to make the decision on what approach to take, while the person who lies there snoring like an elephant seal can suck it.)”

I will be citing this to my own husband the next time he tells me I should just let our smallest cry as well. I’m all “Easy for you to say, you can sleep through it.”

Pass the red bull.

I hate to say but…not giving him the bottle does help a lot…my son only started sleeping through the night when I stopped…he was 1!
It’s hell for a couple of days but then it gets better!
Good luck!

PS – When the cost cutting measures at work take away the brewed Starbucks I’ll really be up a effin creek!

Oh, this catchphrase has helped me so much as a parent and trying to become a parent again that I named my new blog “This Too?” Right now, this morning sickness that lasts all day will, too, pass. Right? It better – I’m puking 2-3 times a day!

It’s so helped me with Moses, who is 4 and just finally started pooping on the potty. I took your advice actually with that – put it all on daddy. Daddy don’t take shit, especially in the underpants. It was the only thing that worked.

The sleep thing will pass, as you’ve seen with Riley, and then you’ll actually be sad that your little guy is so grown up he can sleep the whole night without you. Tie your tubes now so you’re not tempted.

wait, wait, wait…it’s OKAY that my boys only eat crackers? (i mean, it’s so bad that their first word was crackers. all of them.)

whew!

As a woman, and the elephant seal snorer of the house, I say you should do what you want. Oh and all those stupid “this shall pass” people need to go live on the island with the “turn the other cheek” bastards.

Ha ha – too funny! There are so many days when my husband says “Hey, how was your day” and I just tell him it sucked giant elephant balls. Embrace the elephant balls Grasshopper (wait, wasn’t that Kung Fu?)

I think my son lived on yogurt for the first 4 years of his life.

This? “I say the person who actually wakes up when the baby cries is the person who gets to make the decision on what approach to take, while the person who lies there snoring like an elephant seal can suck it.”

Made me love you.
Forgive me if that’s inappropriate.

But I DO.

Elephant seal. That is the perfect expression.

I’m dealing with a “milk is for babies thing” right now and it is SO HARD to remember the this too shall pass thing. I’m so not zen.

The problem for me with “This too shall pass” is that it sounds like the kid will get past it (and then, naturally, develop some other annoying behavior). We are dealing with two kids (6 and 4) sleeping with us, and it’s ALL our fault because we are too wussy to deal with the bedtime fallout of forcing them to sleep in their own beds. Something’s gotta change, and it’s US!!!! I haven’t gotten a really great night’s sleep in forever, I’m so tired of this, too over it to even blog about it (I’d much rather post about stuff like walking into boss’s office with spaghetti on my shirt, sad but true). I definitely need to get one of those “Help your child sleep before you kill him” books, and then actually take time to read it. Sigh.

I always hate the “this shall pass” bullshit. But then it’s funny how you find yourself saying the same damn thing to someone who asks for advice. Ahhh… what goes around comes around, eh? I just came across your blog and had to pee myself a little b/c we appear so similar. I’m a Red Bull addict myself. Such thing as a RB soul-mate? And I “Daily Piffle” on my blog, too. Just kinda cool to know someone else thinks a bit like you….

TWO months salary.

My daughter ate PB&J everyday for at least one year. She only drinks chocolate milk.
Whatever works.

I feel as if I’ve finally gotten hip to the fact that parenting is really learning how to exist in a constant state of: a) hand-wringing and b) inadequacy.

Both of which kind of suck.

Two months? How did I miss that amendment?

In response, we elephant seals will also look for reciprocation on the engagement ring. From now on, men will be buying a big screen TV with a value of 2 months salary. I can picture the 84 inch screen now. Legen…..wait for it…..wait for it…..dary!

Okay, it wasn’t an amendment, I think I just blocked it out.

Tony,
where do I send $ for my share of the PI?
Also wanted to mention the fake sleep advice you gave me last month has really been working out well; thank you

I have been up since 4:30 this morning so this may be a little sleepy but the thing is to make a decision about sleep – to train or not to train, or whatever – in the day time! It’s too hard and confusing and heartbreaking to make decisions in the middle of the night, and ESPECIALLY when one’s partner is sleeping away. I have had to make a plan and stick to it more with my second than with my first but that’s only because I want her to be sleeping before I have this next baby in May. This will pass, for sure, but man – I hope it’s sooner rather than later.

thank goodness my youngest is now 4 so I’m past what you’er currently dealing with, but my oldest was legendary for his ability NOT to sleep. I not only gave him a bottle, I brought him to bed. He had the ability to wake up the minute his body hit a crib mattress, so maybe I should have learned not to just toss him in the crib. But, you are correct master jedi…..this too shall pass.

And maybe we should just start a colony for our elephant seals! Mine has even managed to sleep through a major dual-child puke fest with me screaming at him to get the f up! Good luck. I’ll send Red Bull.

JB,

You can send it to:

Soon to be divorced father of two after my wife reads these posts
PO Box 1123
Providence, RI 02123

Keep in mind that “this too shall pass” will come in REAL handy when those boys are teenagers…I’m just saying!

Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, Tony is MY elephant seal. While I maintain the stance that the purchase of engagement rings and fine china are offset by other means (never mind the two months thing- he already has his 60″ television and humongous-extended-by-flash-et al-attachment camera, which collectively cost more than the symbols of our love), I have long since relented to be the one who gets up in the middle of the night. He sleeps soundly while I continue to trudge out of bed to the beckoning calls of our 15 mos old son.

Or so I thought, until he put it in writing that he’s FAKING IT!!! You, my husband, are SO on written warning. To think of all the mornings I mumbled what a horrible night I had with the baby, only to hear “Oh really? I didn’t even hear you get up…” Me thinks it’s time you were re-enlisted to the “on call” schedule.

My 3 year old daughter was sleeping through the night at 3 mos of age. I thought I had all this shit figured out; I’m the best mom in the world! I didn’t know diddly; I just got lucky. My son finally started sleeping consistently through the night about a month ago, and right now I’m smack in the middle of a setback (or so I’m calling it). I’m also still at fault for not putting him to bed awake at night to learn to fall asleep on his own, but…whatever. I’ve decided it’s a fight best reserved for a later date.

You’re right Linda, it sucks to be in the middle of it (and the ‘its’ just keep evolving, don’t they?), but I have also found that most stuff does indeed pass. It’s that knowledge that also keeps me going!

My mother claims I lived on nothing but Cheerios and canned peaches my entire second year of life. That too……….passed.

Jr did something like Riley where he lived on chicken nuggets and spaghetti rings for almost 2 years. At age 10 he’s not much more adventurous with his eating habits (he refuses to eat any fruits or vegetables, we literally jumped up and down and cheered the summer he licked a piece of watermelon) so he drinks lots of V8 V-Fusion. And yet he’s still almost a head taller than most boys in his age group and can outrun a gazelle. Go figure. Now if I can just get The Captain out of his snacking phase…

Thank you, Linda, for reminding me with humor as I’m exhaustedly trying to remember whatever it was I was trying to remember that, a) I am not alone in my exhaustion, and b) at least I can smile about it all. Oh, and c) there’s a starbucks on the way home from work…

Perhaps tonight the 4 month old will sleep for an hour or two without having to be in the mommy bearhug. But my money goes on no chance.

Ya know I’m about 16 years in front of you on the whole ‘what did I do wrong’ path and I thought I was over it.
They have phases, we do the best we can to get them through those phases and then we lurch head first into the next one. I was an expert and no longer beating mysef up for everything i ever did or said to them to make them, not sleep, not eat, not poop..etc.
UNTIL last week…when my 17 year old daughter staggered into the house, drunk. (OH yeah…wait for THAT one!)
I threw myself into an ‘Oh my god, where did I go wrong’ tailspin and then proceeded to beat the living crap out of myself for about 4 hours.
Then I talked to my Mom and she told me how my older sister fell in the door absolutely blotto when she was 17. My mother being all super cool, calm and collected, put her to bed and told her ‘You get ONE TIME’ and it never happened again. I told my daughter the same thing..once I ripped my fingernails out of the ceiling plaster.
Then I talked to my friend and her 17 year old son had done the very same thing not two days earlier.
My point is, the phases don’t stop and we won’t stop questioning ourselves. We just do the best we can and 99.9% of the time that is enough.

so yeah..umm…this too shall pass?

I feel your pain about Dylan’s night-wakings. I’m in exactly the same situation with my 10 month old. During the day, I make all these big plans to not feed him when he wakes up, leave him in his crib and just pat his back etc. Then it’s 2am, and he’s awake again, and I just want to go back to sleep, and I persuade myself that maybe he’s going through a growth-spurt and really is hungry, and the next thing I know, I’m nursing him, and putting off night-weaning till tomorrow night… or next week… or next month…

Told Yoda to STFU, you did.

Awesome, that is.

Pass, it will.

61 inches, but whose counting? And I don’t remember hearing you complain while watching two plumbers running around chasing ghosts all over the country.

And, Linda and JB can attest, that “humongous-extended-by-flash-et al-attachment camera” (I have a Canon 40D) is a valued item to catch all those toddler moments.

I’d say “we” have a Canon 40D, but after about 8 months with the camera, Maria’s photos still make our kids look like a Piccaso painting as she’s yet to discover the full auto mode.

I am loving the exchange between Maria and Tony. Would like to trade my woman card in for the big screen TV and nice camera. Hell, this ring isn’t doing anything for me anyway. Where can I send my dues? I also subscribe to the “whatever the hell works”, “everyone’s just stumbling blindly through this parenting crap” and the “this too shall pass and something else will come” philosophies of parenting.
g~

Dude, am so there. My son won’t eat anything that isn’t covered in pasta, and my daughter won’t drink water unless it is 90% apple juice.

Sometimes I am mildly cheered by thinking “well, as long as he’s over it by the time he goes to college…”

I find it especially helpful to chant this to myself during the Potty Training Years. And the WTF Is Up With My Daugher Licking Every Damn Thing stage. And pretty much…everything else.

I’m on hold with our mortgage company and thought it would be a good idea to do my blog reading and I got to the “snoring like an elephant seal” part that I blasted out such a loud “Hahahasnork!” that the person came back on the line and asked me if I was ok!

OMG – so I’m not the only one that likens my husband’s snoring to various wild animals?

Oh, I feel your pain. The sleep deprivation is bad around here these days. Luckily this is also my second child so I know it will pass, but sometimes I don’t care. I just want it OVER.

“I say the person who actually wakes up when the baby cries is the person who gets to make the decision on what approach to take, while the person who lies there snoring like an elephant seal can suck it.” And this? Almost peed my pants laughing. (Which, after two babies, may not mean much but what can you do?)

I thought I would never sleep through the night again, or that my child would never want to sleep in his own bed. Turns out that at 16 months, right after he got his first set of molars, all that changed. Suddenly I no longer need to nurse/rock him to sleep, he mostly sleeps through the night and when he does wake up to nurse (which I still do because, seriously, PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE) he prefers that we put him back in his bed instead of sleeping with us.

So in the space of two weeks, his sleep has changed 180 degrees and I couldn’t be more thrilled. All that to say, it will pass, just like you know it will deep down, even though it sucks balls right now and even though you just recently bought a semi-load of Red Bull. But I know it’s a PITA to hear. Perhaps Dylan will do you the grace of getting his molars early and sleeping through the night post-haste.

If not, there’s always Benedryl. :)

g~,

How do I know that you aren’t a spy sent to infiltrate our Elephant Seals Club and destroy it from within? :)

Dude…Tony and Maria are KILLING ME. I think there needs to be a standard form the the written warning…..

Elephant Seal…that is the sound I have been trying to figure out for 15 months.

Chicken Nuggets are the sustance at our house. And it HAS to be the Costco ones shapped like Mickey Mouse. Those and blueberries.

This is one of my favorite comment sections ever. Also, on the scurvy thing, no worries, you’d have known if Riley had it. I had it once, and OMG the PAIN. There would have been much screaming, and attempts to extract his own teeth.

I wish someone had just said “do what you need to do” — my best friend did, actually, after I called her crying. If it’s making her cry AND you cry, maybe just try something else, she said.

Seemed logical and it worked.

I try not to get my panties in a wad when things go haywire, because in the long scheme of things 2 weeks of no sleep is a very short time. But damn if it feels like an eternity around here.

Men are DEFINITELY from Mars!

And sorry, Tony, but a diamond ring and fancy plate expenditure doesn’t compare with months of sleepless nights (that aren’t insomnia induced). There are more than a few women out there who’d gladly trade places (throw in the housecleaning). (And many women buy their husbands expensive things too…on birthdays and anniversaries, using the money they earn, so the comparison doesn’t square.)

The ‘this too shall pass’ zen meditation can be found in the eye part of the hurricane, if you can battle the 200MPH winds to get there.

Re the picky eating, this may help
http://www.keepkidshealthy.com/toddler/feeding_your_toddler.html

Scroll down to the “don’t worry about…” part.

Riley’s behaviour is common and he’s still an energetic pirate, so crackers must be working. (You can always whip out “What Pirates Eat” [self made book with names of foods you want him to eat]. haha.)

Tony and Maria, thanks y’all for being awesome guest stars today! I think the “this too passing thing” only works when you’ve already bitched and commiserated with lots of other parents, finally resolved yourself to live with the “My Child X will live the rest of his/her life doing Y” and then and only then will it stop. Regardless, seems like an ass-backward way for evolution to keep us procreating.

I actually passed a kidney stone this morning – I shit you not. Not fun but my daughter has basically been refusing to eat anything and refuses to poop on the potty. And my son keeps getting up in the middle of the night. Doesn’t matter what I do…and how the hell do our husbands sleep throught that!?!?! So I can really appreciate your analogy and completely understand parental frustration. Hang in there….I will too.

I swear the phase thing is the hardest lesson to learn as a parent. My son is nearly six and I STILL have to learn that lesson over and over, about different things, but still the same lesson. Usually just as my husband and I are starting to tear out our hair and to consult whatever parenting resources we can find about how to fix the problem, it stops. I figured after six years I’d learn to let new stuff ride, but no, every damned time I have to learn “this too shall pass.” Ugh.

My story: 6 month old falls asleep fine. Doesn’t stay asleep. Suck it, Ferber.

Friend’s story: 4 yr old son didn’t sleep through the night first 1.5 years. One night right after he started stringing words together they got him ready for bed and he said, “Feet HOT.” They cut off the footys of the pj’s and he slept through the night from then on. next morning all footy pj’s lost the feet and they bought him sandals. Sad story. Happy ending.

I am laughing so hard at your response to JB. Dude, when you get up, you get a vote!

Dude, I think going through life hits me kind of like parenting hits you, wave after wave of all new BS. I had the how come I’m too poor to be cool phase, the being used and rejected by women out of my league phase, the waking up confused and hungover with regret phase, and the where the fuck did the police implant a GPS tracker in my body because there is no way they can possibly find me this often phase. Currently I am navigating the how the hell can people operate with only twenty fours hours in the day phase. Next up, the sleeping in and wasting a small fortune from the lottery phase. (crosses fingers)

And I thought maybe I could offer you a trick or two for sleeping through baby cries. I spend my weekends in county jail, in a barrack style cell block with forty or fifty buck wild criminals with broken internal clocks, and have figured out a few tricks for sleeping through noise. One, make sure you are sleepy. As a mother of two who also works, I figure this should be easy, but feel free to use drugs, carbohydrates, and chamomile tea as needed. (there’s no tea in jail, but it helps me sleep on the outside) Second, find something that generates background noise, like a really loud fan, or a humidifier, or a mini fridge, or whatever appliance you have handy that you can run all night near your head. third, cover your head with a towel when you sleep. We use that mostly to block out the lights which they never turn off, but it also helps muffle the individual noises, blending them with the background noise. Fourth and finally, my own personal invention, and my pride and joy. Earplugs! I realize they were invented a long time ago, and you could probably purchase real ones, but in a pinch I know how to make them with common household products. Take one square of double ply toilet paper, wad it up into a jelly bean shaped tight ball, and dunk it in water. Then squeeze most of the water out, so it won’t drip inside your ear, which I promise completely destroys any chance of sleep. Then you just gently squeeze it in your ear hole, so some is sticking out in your ear. (that’s for grabbing in the morning, cause you don’t want it stuck either) The TP and water together block out almost all noise, it’s friggin scary how well it works if you do it right. Or you could just buy earplugs like a free person. Or you can continue to get up all night long to feed a baby, it’s really up to you. Personally I kind of dig sleeping.