He beelines for the place where the hose was dripping and swishes his hand through the muddy water before slowly, contemplatively bringing his fingers to his mouth. Shooed from his dirt-eating, he scampers across the yard and before I can blink he’s reaching for a dog turd, his tiny brow furrowed in concentration.

We dress him in toddler-sized swim trunks and he joyously climbs the tiny built-in slide in the plastic play pool before his feet shoot out from under him and his body somehow goes completely horizontal in midair and he bangs his head with a sickening crash and there are screams and tears and cuddles and two seconds later, he’s climbing that fucking slide again.

No, Dylan, I say as he tries to escape with his father’s computer mouse. “WAHHHH!” he responds, and runs at top speed to the bookshelf and begins pulling books off the shelves, one after another. Thunk. Thunk. Thunk.

He creeps along the patio after a trundling black ant and carefully reaches out a pudgy index finger and accidentally smooshes it. He stares, nearly cross-eyed, and his finger is almost on his tongue when I swoop in. I reposition him and he howls with fury and locks his eyes on mine and reaches down and with vengeful, deliberate motions he quickly stuffs a passing tumbleweed of dog hair IN HIS MOUTH.

I’m bent over the dishwasher collecting forks and spoons when SMACK! something slaps me directly across the ass. I turn, and he’s standing there with a mile-wide grin, laughing so hard he’s swaying back and forth. In his hands is a large plastic spatula.

There is a long silence and even though I know better I revel in it a bit and when I finally go to look for him, I find him shoulder-deep in the toilet bowl. He’s so startled when I burst through the door he falls backwards onto his butt, then sits there smiling at me and starts chomping on his toilet-water-soaked fingers.

He falls off the front steps. The back porch. The raised portion of our backyard garden bed. A chair. Another chair. The wooden steps at the cabin in Oregon. The curb of the driveway. The sofa.

I catch him. I don’t. I let him fall. I run to save him at top speed. I absorb the impact of his skull heading earthward with the top of my foot. I watch him, wincing. I watch him, clapping.

He grunts his way onto the couch, then gets himself turned around, spreads his arms and sort of half-jumps, half-falls off, but not before saying, “De inny! An bee!” I goggle open mouthed as I realize he’s imitating his Buzz Lightyear-loving brother: to infinity, and beyond.

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Emma
14 years ago

The crap that my 20 month old gets into, that his brother never did, it’s incredible. Also, he’s probably not going to get out of toddler-hood without a permanent head injury, but at least I can tell him he did it to himself when he’s older.

You captured this age perfectly.

Emily
14 years ago

Silence is always a bad sign!! In my house it usually means a wall is being used as a canvas for some new artwork.

MelV
MelV
14 years ago

Beautiful and so true. I am in the lull of the storm with mine right now since #1 is 4 and #2 is just turned 1 but I feel it building. Also silence NEVER equals good.

telegirl
telegirl
14 years ago

I think that’s why I’m glad that we’re having a little girl next. Our little man continually jumps off things and no matter how many times I scold him, he’s back up on the same piece of furniture/step/other-high-precipice doing it again within minutes and crying moments later, because, gosh! It *still* hurts.

I grew up in a household with three girls; we were no princesses but I don’t remember all this freaking bruising! My husband keeps telling me it’s what boys do. I am not looking forward to little man’s teen-age years and I pray our little girl is a mellow soul.

Adelas (Della)
14 years ago

17 months at our house looks EXACTLY LIKE THIS.

Well, okay, there is no vengeful dog-hair eating, and the most recent copy-quote is a delightful “daint-dyoo” (thank you).

But the stolen computer mice, the climb-crash-climb-crash, the toilet bowl, the spatula (flyswatter at our house)…

YES.

Laziza
Laziza
14 years ago

My reaction is half “Oh, thank God” (at 10 months, ours isn’t the only one) and half “OMFG – it’s going to get worse?!”

Kaitlyn
14 years ago

HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

JennB
14 years ago

livin’ the dream…. but mine is only 14 months. When does it stop?!?!?

J
J
14 years ago

that echo’s my current life exactly.
although when I look over to see my 18month old daughter standing on the coffe table, arms in the air, ready to dive on the arm chair, instead of to infinity and beyond, she screams “IOWA”, which is a totally different story.
im tired.

nic @mybottlesup
14 years ago

oh no!!! magoo is 15 months and THIS is what i have to look forward to…. at least i’ve been warned.

Jessica
Jessica
14 years ago

Okay, I am DYING laughing, the way you put things into words so perfectly never continues to amaze me. I commented on another blog I enjoy (okay yours and hers are the only 2 daily reads) so I was compelled to comment on her site with your website address, and now I want to comment with hers to you…I think you both would equally emjoy each others writing immensely….I know I do….even though I don’t “know” either of you…I look so forward to hearing what you each write every day. You are hilarious!!!!
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Fiona
Fiona
14 years ago

Oh good gawd, just reading this as my son and daughter watch Toy Story on holiday on a stormbound remote Scottish island…she’s 3, he’s 11 and still enjoying it just as much. He used to channel Woody when he was little, which was hilarious in a small Scottish boy. I lurk on your blog to admire your fab photos – have just purchased my first Nikon and getting to grips with it.

Barb
Barb
14 years ago

This made me cry. My children are grown and it’s becoming increasingly difficult to realize that “I’m done”.

M.A.
M.A.
14 years ago

A Sundry Classic. I got a stitch reading this. The bit with the spoon really got me going because I could just picture you saying “Right” …

Kate
Kate
14 years ago

I have a Dylan. Her name is Carys – b. 2/25/8. She is my first and the reason there will not be a second. Crazy she is. We’ll have to introduce them in about 25 years.

Amy
Amy
14 years ago

This is heartbreakingly sweet and basically describes my 14-month-old son to a T. Little boys are just made differently. I have a girl too and she has never tried to deliberately kill herself. My son though? About 517 times a day. I think all boys would become extinct within minutes if their parents took even just a short break…

Tia
Tia
14 years ago

Nailed it, perfectly. The ass slapping made me think of the time my then 3 year old son slapped the ass of a bent over, swimsuit wearing, 17 year old lifeguard! Yeah, I died right there. My husbands only response was of course if she was hot or not.
Gotta love the boys, big and small :)

Kim
Kim
14 years ago

You never cease to amaze me in your complex simplicity. I love to read what you write.

melissa
melissa
14 years ago

love it! silence in my house means the 21-month-old has somehow gotten past the gate and into the cat’s litter….omfg EW. why is poop so fascinating to them???

erica
erica
14 years ago

The ‘ass slap with the spatula’ made me laugh out loud and I woke up my 18 month old. She’s not as active as Dylan, but likes to run with knives and other sharp things. I’ve really gone grey this year…

Grandma Judy
13 years ago

I just wanted to say your son Dylan might as well been my grandson Jacob at the same age. This is my 4th grandchild. Your article is brillant and right on. I recently had my little one put on a safari outfit and safari hat and had him do his thing in my yard and got my camera out and let his imagination play out. It took just a few minutes but his imangination took over and got some nice shots and he looked like
he was out on a great adventure. Don’t you just love to sit back and wonder what the heck they are thinking. I would never even try to make a 17 month old poise. Thanks again, Grandma Judy.

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10 years ago

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