This is the agony of parenting… so wonderful and yet so hard, sometimes at the same time.

And some day they are going to leave us completely, which either freaks me out or makes me weep with joy, depending on how they are acting at the moment.

That post deserves a big ole AM-EN. Too many mom’s won’t admit how HARD this whole thing is…I have some friends who look at me all googly eyed when I say that – like I’m not fully appreciating the experience. And yet, there are days – when I really don’t appreciate the experience, ha! Love him to peices, but some days I want to bang my head against a brick wall.

This post is perfect for me today. This morning, up at 4:30 with a screaming-for-n0-apparent-reason 17 mo old and crying to my husband about HOW DID WE CREATE SUCH AN ASSHOLE?? Then not 30 seconds later, he suddenly calms down, snuggles into my chest and I feel both filled up with love and horribly guilty for calling my baby as asshole

Ugh, I know exactly what you mean. There are times when I vent to my friends that do not have children just how truly hard the whole toddler (and in my case preschooler) process can be. Unfortunately it seems that my griping happens so much more often than my exclamations of how much our life is just a bowl of wonderful. Someone actually asked me recently, “My God, does having kids actually suck that much?” And then of course I felt terrible. My life doesn’t suck, my kids don’t suck (mostly), but yeah man, this is a whole lotta goddamn work, and it is indeed fucking hard. I know some day it will be gone, and that just makes me feel worse that I’m not enjoying it sometimes, or appreciating it sometimes, as much as I should. But when you’re deep in the suckage, it’s also hard to remember that. So yeah, I can relate.

Oh, god, I so hated my second when she was a toddler. Nothing was ever right, everyone was in her way, and we could all just go to hell as far as she was concerned. She’d scream if her older sister looked at her cross-eyed; she was so goddamn difficult that it just sucked the joy out of everyone’s lives for awhile…

…and then she turned a corner. I don’t know where it was, I don’t know what triggered it, but she just developed into the most amazing, easygoing kid EVER. Really, EVER. Since about age 4 (she’s now 12) she’s been a peach and brings true joy to us every single day. I wish I could offer you some magic words or tricks, but all I can give you is some straight up empathy–and a place to stay if you want to run away to Hawaii!

AMEN!!!! Seriously the last two weeks have been so trying..my GOD the tantrums….our 2 year old has been such an ASSHOLE..and then 20 seconds later he is a lovely warm ball so snuggles and cheer.

Oooh, here’s something else you’ve heard before, I’m sure (please don’t throw things at me!): it gets better! I PROMISE! Some things still suck (like- OMG, my 7yo daughter NEVER SHUTS UP LIKE NEVER EVER) but the whole abusive-partner thing does fade…I’ll even say that it starts to go away at about the age of 4. That may seem like FOREVER from now. But it does come.

That being said- I am kicked, punched, pinched, hit and emotionally abused every day by at least one kid, and sometimes by someone else’s kid. So I publicly threaten to sell them on eBay, which makes me feel a little bit better. I mean, DUH, I’m joking. I’d totally sell them on Etsy. They are homemade, after all.

Oh yeah, great post. My son is 3, and he has always been way more snuggly than his older sister. Also way more mean. The good moods are GREAT, but when he’s in a bad mood, watch out, because if he only had a tiny knife he’d look just like Chucky (mental note for Halloween costume next year). He does “rage” well. I think he’s coming around a little, thankfully; he whines more than he rages these days. But the ups and downs are tough to take no matter what, especially since I have my OWN to deal with.

oh god, yes. The 12 months between 12 & 24 months were downright AWFUL. HATED THEM. Every night my husband would come home to a crying, angry, hellbitch of a wife and a cranky little demonic child. It was just. SO. Fucking. Miserable. For everyone. pretty sure even the dogs were ready to run away.

I felt like it was all my fault. i coudln’t do anything right, yet I HAD to do EVERYTHING. (she only wanted me. TO ABUSE) I even broke down at a routine Dr’s appoinment saying “I don’t know if I’m depressed, sleep deprived, or just worn out, but there are days where I just want to run. Far. And fast.

but then she turned 2, and while people call them the “terrible 2’s” oh – how they were so glorious! the ugliness went away. she leannred more words and started to communicate WITH us, not AT us. I mean, yeah – there were still shit-days, still are too, but it wasn’t/isn’t every minute of every day of my never-ending suck-fest of a life that was the 12 months of Age One.

And now she’s nearly three and a half, and while we have our struggles, it’s definitly gotten easier. Fun even…most days.

Everyone tells you how the love you will feel for your child will break your heart and open your eyes to how it REALLY feels to love. But they never say that same bundle of joy will , at times (sometimes longer stretches than others) have you wishing you could run, or even have you questioning why you bred in the FIRST place. they really need to talk about THAT part more often so we don’t feel so alone. thank you for being so honest THAT part. it makes me feel normal. and like my kid is normal.

oh MAN. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a more perfect description of Life With A Toddler than ‘an abused wife’. That’s exactly it. oy.

For whatever it is worth, you aren’t alone. I usually feel guilty for my 22 month old’s mood swings, like, “What did I do wrong that made him go Jeckyll-Hyde?”

The ups and downs are roughest on me, I think.

Hang in there?

I sooooooooooo get you.

Oh, Linda, this is why I adore you so. You are taking the words out of my mouth. What you just described is my world with my son right now. At 23 months, Colin is soooo loving one second and a whiney little turd the next. Its a constant juxtaposition of feelings and I am struggling.

He is going through a current phase of being OBSESSED with the IPOD. And its so cute…so so freaking cute…until you’ve heard “Mommy, Ipod, Mommy, Boom Boom Pow, Mommy, Delilah” and a million other variations repeated over and over and over and over and over for a bajillion times.

You say, well, then give him the freaking IPOD, woman. And I have, and you know what he does? He fucks it all up, and then it won’t play and now he’s running up to me every three seconds saying “New batteries, needs new batteries”.

This goes on and on to infinity as I stay home with him…but then he’s so cute, I’m kinda like, Oh, are you going to be a musician, are you going to sing songs for Mommy?” and then he starts in again on the whining and I think about closets, deep dark closets, (ok, kidding, but at least duct tape…will I get a DSS visit for that?)

Help.

Though. I did sub today at the local preschool and I found that distance did make the heart grow fonder and I was SO happy to see him at 1 (in time for his nap at 2!) and then spend the afternoon with him. It made ALL THE DIFFERENCE for my sanity. Shocking, you wouldn’t think teaching 12 four year olds would give you more patience, but it worked for me today.

I hope my husband isn’t reading this, but I think I’m ready to go back to work.

P.S. Tony – don’t you tell him!

Man…I’ve so been there (STILL there, 10 years later!) My oldest has been EXACTLY like that since she was born. “when she is good, she is very very good and when she is bad,she is HORRID!” She’s my oldest and by far my most difficult, her tantrums and outbursts disrupt the whole family. There are some amazing books out there on how to deal w/ “spirited” kids. My daughter is a completely normal, lovable, wonderful kid she just needs to be dealt w/ in a different way. Sometimes I feel like Mommy Dearest because I come to the end of my rope w/ those tantrums of hers. Have you read the Love and Logic series? There is also a book called “the angry child”. Boy do I feel your pain!xoxo

Yep, yep, yep. I’m right there with my nearly two-year-old. This age is SO HARD. It cannot be said enough.

I am horrified at the rage I feel toward my normally sweet natured two year old when she gets overwhelmed with, God knows what, and lets her shit fly. I have never wanted to hit her, but I throw my shoes at the walls, or bang my fist on the walls, or throw books, or her toys. And, I grew up in one of those super-wonderful, always had unconditional love, type of families. I never felt rage before in my life, never. It scares the holy shit out of me. And what really scares me is how much more of this I have ahead of me and how much more she can dish out. How do I handle this better? Where do we pick up these skills? Do all of us suck at this, or do some moms handle this well?

Sometimes i think at that particular age they get frustrated with communicating. i mean his needs/wants are changing since he is realizing what is available to him. But, his ability to communicate those needs aren’t balanced out just yet so he gets mad/frustrated. Does that make sense?

Yes. All over just freaking yes. They are horrible and awesome and hard.

Today I watched a movie and my 17MO son woke up from his nap about 15 minutes into it. He literally cried when my hand touched the “play” button, and stopped when I took it away. But, it was nice to have him all cuddly in my lap :)

Have you ever watched CK Louis talk about his kids? You should. It’s hilarious and always makes me have that, “so, pretty much everyone else who’s been a parent has been through this” feeling.

Mother of teenagers here to tell you that it does go away…and then returns when they hit their teens.

Sorry.

Janet (from California)

First of all, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this extremely difficult phase with Dylan right now. I have so been there, and at the time, I pretty much wanted to run away from my family because it was SO difficult. Thankfully the love was enough to keep me there, b/c man, it was so fucking awful!

I don’t know if you sense that things might be getting worse right now with Dylan, but if you do… see if you can check out a book called Parenting the Strong-Willed Child b/c I shit you not that this book changed my life, and saved my relationship with my daughter before the situation got out of control.

This is why I think I would have a hard time trusting someone like a around-the-clock nanny (like, say, I was so rich and famous and could afford/”needed” such a thing).

Because how can a person who does not have a TON of vested emotional interest adequately care for little children? HOW? I mean, it’s our strong emotional attachment, our thick, rope-y web of strong parental LOVE that allows us to survive them. It’s those moments when we feel GOOEY toward our children that give us the fortitude to survive the moments when we want to pull our hair out(or theirs!). Am I right?

(Daycare providers fall in a different category for me: they come to work for a set number of hours and then can leave.)

thank you for this…seriously thank you. It makes me feel less wretched when I read that someone is struggling as much as I am with absolute schizoid behavior that comes with toddlers.
There was an article in the New York Times about how shouting was becoming the new spanking and it made me feel so goddamn shitty because these days I feel like the only way to get my kid to register that I exist while he’s raging is if I shout right back at him.
And then I feel so guilty because he’s so flipping awesome when he’s not pissed off. Just fun and funny and sweet…
I call my mother biting back tears because my husband just sort of shrugs over the phone and says “I don’t know what to tell you babe” GAH!
sorry. long response. This one hit a chord today.
Good luck, thank God he’s an angel baby every other time eh? ;)

Dude, why are dictators usually pint-sized?

At least Dylan has a shot at growing taller than Jong-Il and Napoleon… too bad you don’t know at which inch marker the tantrums will stop.

But they will. This too shall pass.

If I lived near you I’d be willing to take him for a couple of hours while you did something fun with Riley. If you want to ship him here, you can. Minnesota’s not THAT far. ;)

Quick-like:

• Jen: I LOVE Louis CK, especially the stuff about kids, and guess what? I’m seeing him live on Thursday night!

• Laura: I’ll take a look at that book if I come across it, thanks! I do remember this stage with Riley, although I have probably blocked out the worst–I read up on “spirited” children and thought he might be feral or something, but it turned out he was just a normal, difficult toddler and has become quite decent as a preschooler. Am TRYING to remember that. : )

• Janet: yeah yeah yeah, I hear that all the time. As far as shared parental wisdom goes, the old “just wait until they’re teenagers” bit gets an F-minus in my book. Sorry.

Well, there’s always this to watch on the Bad Days, to remind you…http://www.flickr.com/photos/sundry/3513099183/

The part where Dylan laughs so hard that he falls down gets me everytime…

Yup. It’s hard. Now carry on and thank goodness it’s not harder.

Okay Already. No one said it couldn’t be harder or that people don’t have it worse off…a mom is just sharing some frustrations and looking for advice and support. Geesh.

Okay Already. ? Everyone knows that life could be worse at some point or another, does that mean they can’t share their frustrations with others, or have a bad day?

There is something to be said about looking at the glass half full, or looking at every situation and saying “well it could be worse I suppose” but in my opinion if you can do that every second of every day then you are either deluding yourself or overly medicated.

Anyone who has dealt with toddlers knows that life is full of ups and downs. Is it the end of the world? No. Does it suck when its happening? Absolutely. So why be so harsh when someone’s sharing their story? As you can see, so many people are grateful someone else feels the same way and appreciate Linda’s way with words and the fact that she can articulate what most of us only feel and can’t put into words.

If you want to offer a ‘silver lining’ to this situation, there are more constructive\ and positive ways to do it.

In other cultures, there is more support available to mothers. God knows, raising kids is not easy and this expectation that mothers have endless patience, or should have, is ludicrous.

Vent away. It’s good medicine.

I will never forget telling my pediatrician about my 2yr old’s “medical grade tantrums” as I called them, he was listening & nodding, knitted his brow when I started crying a bit and then as I waited for him to say things like (counseling, group home for toddlers, anger mgmt classes) he took a deep breath and then said “yup, that’s pretty standard” I have never felt more frustrated or relieved at the same time, I love to hear about other peoples crazy ass kids, makes me feel so much more normal, the new normal of parenthood that is!

Just this morning kiddo was all over me “I love you” this and that and being the amazing super awesome intelligent gorgeous kiddo he is sometimes….1hr later I am sitting on a stool in the bathroom guarding the door so he can not race out, as he lays face down on the floor, drooling, crying, pounding his fists and screaming “I don’t want to brush my teeth, I want them to be dirty!” and there I am gritting my teeth, taking deep breaths and saying something I never thought I, as the young cool hip perfect mom I always wanted to be, would say “we are NOT leaving this bathroom until you brush your teeth, for the love of…”

ahhhh and people ask when we are having another, I just smile serenely & cock my head to the side and think silently “are you f’ing mad?!?!?!!?”

OK, so I love reading this post…very well said! But I do feel bad because mine was an angel….a complete adorable happy angel…until he hit just about 26 months…since then it is what you described. I though I had given birth to some dream child, everyone said that 18 months was the hardest time…NOOOOOO. While mine is not really aggressive, he just melts down every 5 minutes over something and then it’s all of a sudden “thank you for a nice dinner mama. Can I have a nose nuzzle?” Add to this that I am a child and family therapist for a living…boy do I feel like everyone is watching….
Anyway, it’s a total pain when people suggest books, but I DO use a lot of books at work and at home. Everything I do with clients is research based (mostly because there are a LOT of bad clinicians out there who treat kids like mini adults….but I digress) ANYHOO, at the risk of being one of those people who suggests a book I want to say that I agree with your response, he doesn’t sound like a “spirited child” (which from my professional opinion is a bullshit term, but whatever). He sounds like a normal 20 month old. I used to teach love and logic, but honestly I have some issues with it. I use “Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline” by Dr. Becky Bailey. The title is just wrong and I am not sure why she called it that, and the cover picture is kind of weird, but don’t let that sway you. It’s a book that I think every parent and teacher should read. Give it a try….you’ll be pleasantly surprised! In the meanwhile, I have days when I just lose it…I know it’s an awful feeling, but you are right…totally normal. Take care! T

I was just thinking about this same thing this morning. While I obviously love my children blah, blah, blah, I *LIKE* the child who is giving me an easier time in any given situation. Right now? I like my 6 year son much better than my 4 year old daughter, who just ‘fed’ the dog her chocolate chip granola bar. Fortunately (for their future therapy), the pendulum swings pretty evenly between the two.

So, I’m not a parent, but I have to say that this post meant a lot to me. Mainly because you’re so real with your posts, especially concerning Dylan. You admit that it’s been hard, no matter how much you love him and that it takes a lot to get through those bad moments. These posts are what keep me coming back to your blog everyday, because it’s so true and so… real. I hate to keep saying that, but it’s the only word that I can wholeheartedly agree with concerning your website!

Which reminds me of an entry you wrote a while back where you told Riley you wanted to be a writer. Do it. ‘Cause this stuff right here? Every entry leaves me wanting to read more and more, so I’m gonna need for you to write an 8,432 page book or so to keep me satisfied.

Aaaand… I’m 21. So I don’t have much advice to give about Dylan, except that I can remember my little brother crying for hours and hours when nothing was wrong as a baby. I was only 3, but I have a very vivid memory of my mom crawling into her bed, pulling me in with her and crying and crying because he wouldn’t stop. It’s heartbreaking, but there’s only so much you can do before you lose it. Dylan doesn’t hate you; I’m positive about that. He’s just 20 months old. It’s called the “Terrible Twos” for a reason, isn’t it? He just got a head start (which obviously means he’s an over-achiever).

I didn’t read your comments on this but YES, YES, YES!

I have an almost 6 year old and an almost 3 year old (both girls) and I feel EXACTLY the same way. And bonus! Sometimes I feel like if my little one wasn’t here would the big girl be that much calmer, not trying so hard to get my attention? Then I wouldn’t lose my patience so much if there was just ONE kid to deal with and Oh, and, like you, all the cool stuff me and my big girl could do….aaannndddd GUILT.

I do remember that between 2 y.o. and 3 1/2 y.o. life positively SUCKED with my older one. Couldn’t go places, tantrums every other second, hitting, screaming, POTTY TRAINING etc. it was hell and I appear to be smack in the middle of almost the same BS with number 2.

I love my kids so much it hurts my heart and I want SO desparately to be the best mother I can be and some days I feel so defeated and stupid and out of control and yes, ABUSED that I just want to lay down on the floor until they are both at least 12 y.o.

Thank you for writing this. This is the ONLY place in my life I would say these things. Your comments. Sad, but true.

Christine

Oh I do remember how you are feeling! Our son was a terror until he walked down the hall to k’garten and then magically turned into the most laid-back and sweet-natured kid evah, so I have conveniently forgotten about the first 5 years.

The daughter wore me out constantly and some days I could not stand her altho she was adorably cute. As soon as she could talk, she began arguing. I can remember sitting on the couch with my hands over my eyes asking somebody to please get me out of there and away from her….and she was 3! Good lord what emotions these children bring out in us.

I was an abused wife in a failed (d’uh) first marriage, and I understand how someone who was NOT would think that this parent-child relationship was similar. It’s not, but I cannot explain it so will just leave it at that. But I understand the sentiment.

I know it’s hard but I always like how you can see the other side of the coin. Nicely written, Linda!

I am right there with you in those fucking trenches. Some days I want to put my daughter out on the sidewalk with a sign that says, “Free to another home.” Forget the ‘good home’ part. A home other than mine is the only requirement on the days when her screech seems to be her Olympic sport of choice, and I think maybe the Screech Owls in CANADA can hear her (from St. Louis).

Then she jungle gyms around on me and my husband, clings mightily to our limbs, whispers sweet nothings to us and her little David Letterman gap makes me realize there’s a lot I can take for the cute she brings. She’s thriving, healthy, and has her bitchy moments. Just like I do. But in the second hour of squabbling between her and her (5 yr old) brother, it’s all I can do not to run, not walk, to the nearest convent and beg to be let into the coven of monks, if only for the silence.

I look forward to bed time every day. I wish away the hours of misery only to realize that I’ll miss this time in her life when it’s gone and I need to shut my fuckin’ yap. Haaaaarrrrrd.

Abused wife…love the analogy. Exactly!

When sitting at the pediatricians office for my daughters 12 month check-up yesterday we were discussing what I call her ‘spunk’ which is really a nicer way of saying she can quite often be a little she-devil. The best news was the warning that the dramatic tantrums usually don’t start until 18 months, so it looks like either I’ve got a little overachiever on my hands, or this is just the start of something that will get much worse, go me! So much for a mild mannered second child, although the deck was stacked against us since our first is pretty low key.

Wow, that hit the nail on the head – an abused wife, that’s exactly how it is. My son will be three in a few days, and he’s wicked. Wicked smart, naughty, loving, everything. He’s either extremely good/happy, or mad/crabby. We have to adjust our actions based on the sort of mood he’s in, because one wrong word/move will set him off. It’s like walking on eggshells! At least now that he’s older we can talk to him about his behavior and he knows when he’s being naughty and what the consequences are. ugh. I’ve heard boys get easier as they get older…I hope that’s true.

Nothing by sympathy here. Mine has taken to peeing his pants on purpose when he is angry. And when he is sweet, he is oh so sweet.

As a survivor of parenting through both the toddler years and the teenager years, I assert that the toddler years are way, way harder. At one point I had three teenagers, all girls (my poor husband!), and as volatile and dramatic as they could be at times, they were at least capable of understanding reason and consequences. Reasoning with toddlers? That’s like herding cats.

Linda, thanks for being honest. You’re helping lots of your readers feel better about their own difficulties as well as reassuring them that their children are not disturbed little monsters. I say to all of you: It gets better!

I sitting here reading the comments (and post) and crying because we had such a hard morning, after a hard night and its so good to know that I am not alone in feeling such frustration and then guilt. And to whoever originally said the “Yelling is the new spanking” jeeesh, are we supposed to be smiling sweetly mothers always? That is not real! Lisa’s comment is exactly how I feel, shocked that I could feel such rage and then such love.

I don’t remember THAT stage with either of my boys..but I’m living in my own private hell right now with an 11 year old. It sucks when the mood of the day is set by how much shit he’s gonna do to set me off and push buttons, how much teasing and instigating his younger brother is going to be done. It’s no longer the temper tantrums, he’s become this reverse psychology expert – although his thing is ‘IF you give me that or let me do this – THEN I’ll behave” although we’re immune to it, he continues to test. I can only hope it gets better – on to the teen years!! ACK!! Sometimes 18 doesn’t look that bad…BUH BYE!!!

It will not be simple
It will not take long
It will take all your breath.

I’m not a parent, but I absolutely believe that it’s every bit as difficult as you say (indeed, that’s part of why I’m not a parent).

And you should feel free to vent if that’s necessary, and get support here.

But I have been abused by my partner, and it is NOT THE SAME IN ANY WAY AS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH A TODDLER. There is one comment here from someone who has been abused and is also a parent, and she points out it’s not comparable, but she seems to be ignored by every other commenter.

Seeing all these “yes, it’s exactly the same!” comments was deeply disturbing to me.

If you really think that’s what it’s like to be abused, please understand that you do not understand abusive relationships. At. All. Please NEVER, ever try to give advice to someone who is in one because you do not know what you’re dealing with.

And again, I mean no offense, I don’t hate you guys or think you should shut up, or anything. This just really bothers and even worries me; this attitude could damage vulnerable people.

I believe this entry should be offered to all moms in template form. You know, put blanks for names and ages and the one or two places for your personal anecdotes, but YEA. AM THERE.

Lo: many years ago I was in a very unhealthy relationship and I do see parallels in the way I feel (my mood often being entirely dependent on someone else’s behavior, for one). I hope it’s clear to anyone reading this that I am not saying parenting a toddler is LITERALLY like being in a physically abusive relationship.

Emotionally abusive? I don’t know, Lo. After you’ve raised a truly challenging 20-month-old, come back and tell me if you see any similarities.

I try and be careful not to piss people off here, but sometimes I really think there’s just too much sensitivity. If I stopped before every post to consider every single potential for offended feelings, this blog—and my enjoyment of writing it— would suck a limp dick.

(No offense to anyone with erectile dysfunction.)

ha ha, limp dick…

I hear you, I feel you, this shit sucks sometimes. And that’s ok. Because no one loves being a mom every moment of every day. And anyone who says she does is a fucking fibber.