July 20, 2006

I was feeling unusually spiffy today in a semi-crisp white button-down shirt paired with a flouncy black skirt and heels (and sporting a rather cute necklace to boot); until, that is, I bit into my lunchtime sandwich and splurted a big old money shot of tomato all over myself.

I feel like the Fashion Gods have spoken. (“HEY SLOBBY! GO BACK TO T-SHIRTVILLE.”)

Lately I’ve been thinking about clothes more than I normally do; mostly because every time I go looking for a couple summery shirts to add to my pitiful wardrobe I get infuriated by the current styles, which in my personal experience can be described as “Suitable Only for Boobless Amazons”. Seriously, what is with the long, long, narrow-ass shirts – the preppy polo-y things, the Old Navy “perfect fit” t-shirts (perfect for rolling into a ball and being used to cram up the lower intestinal tract of the designer, maybe), the ruffle-fronted frothy button-up sleeveless blouses with high necks which are apparently meant to convey the confusing message “I am both contemporary and vaguely Victorian in my ensemble”, the plethora of horizontally-striped monstrosities – they all seem to hit at the same uber-unflattering top-of-thigh area on me, and I am of average height goddamnit, I can’t be the only one who doesn’t want to wear a fucking nightgown over my jeans, and don’t even get me started on the fact that nothing can be worn over an actual pair of human breasts unless you don’t mind walking around with 3,000 psi of strain happening at chest level, which as everyone knows could totally result in an eye injury.

I was at the Gap yesterday, in the Annoying Mall near my office (the Annoying Mall is so named because of the overabundance of chichi young mothers it attracts, I know this just makes me sound obnoxious but whenever I go there I see so many Gucci-clad urban hipsters pushing their bling-rimmed strollers around and half-watching Junior clambering on the baby gym while they shop for Abercrombie & Fitch tank tops that perfectly fit their macrobiotic-dieted frames and buy their children $78 onesies from Kid’s Club, I want to bite them all on their freshly waxed and tanned calves. Which probably means that YES, when it comes to these Pilates-toned iPod-stroller-holder Puma-shoe-wearing women whose husbands apparently hand them a pile of gold ingots every morning and tell them to have a good time, I probably AM bitter and jealous, JUST A LITTLE), and I think they had maybe 5 styles of shirts in stock. All Amazonian, All Boobless. I don’t get it.

Man. Wearing heels and tomato stains all day will make a girl ranty.

In other news, I had dinner with my friend Chiara yesterday. It was her last night in town, because she’s moving to, holy shit, New Zealand. For like a year at least, which I found impossible to believe as we ate mounds of italian food and talked nonstop about blogs and journals and writing and all the stuff we always talk about, but the proof that she’s really going was in the back of my car: two of her stuffed octopuses, given to me and Riley for safekeeping while she’s away.

Chiara! I’ll miss you, girl. Your octopuses – um, especially the really fucking huge one, because he or she is awesome – are in good hands, okay?

71806_octo.jpg

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Comments

49 Responses to “There can be no such thing as too many hyphens”

  1. nstig8r on July 20th, 2006 4:51 pm

    man, i HATE those long shirts! i haven’t been able to buy any tshirts or tanks this year b/c of that shit! i’m average build, fairly good shape with some nice curvy hips. i look normal in in everything else but all these trendy shirts do is accentuate the hugest part of me & make me look like i ate one too many big macs.

  2. Tina on July 20th, 2006 5:05 pm

    I must agree…how about trying to nurse and buy T-shirts? I am only a C cup right now, and have to buy XL shirts so I don’t look like I’m straining them?!? I really am not that big! Quite annoying.

  3. jonniker on July 20th, 2006 6:20 pm

    You know I hear you on the outfits. Truthfully, in the back of my mind, I’m afraid to wear nice things because by 9 a.m. I inevitably have coffee splayed out in a nice large circle around one boob or the other.

    And honestly, I have tiny boobs (dwarfed by my not-so-tiny abdomen) and the bitch of it all is that I still can’t wear those tiny shirts because they are tiny EVERYWHERE. Too tiny in the boobs for my barely-Bs, and too tiny in the stomach for my…gut. So, Threadless is where my heart lies, so that people can be too distracted by the cute saying/graphic/whatever to notice my miniscule boobs and protruding belly.

    Good times. Whoever said fashion is fun was a fucking size 0. Gah, and shoes. Let’s not talk about shoes. Heels? No no.

    God I’m making myself sound like some kind of Shrek-like creature with warty feet and distended belly. Sexy.

    My point is, I understand. I understand completely. And OMG, dude, Riley and the octopus! OMG!

  4. foodmomiac on July 20th, 2006 6:28 pm

    If it makes you feel better, us boobless women also have shirt issues. I have a couple of low cut shirts that have nothing to cling to, forcing me to use a pin to hold them closed.

  5. Waya on July 20th, 2006 6:34 pm

    Glad to find somebody out there w/the same dilema, prune size boobs. Tell me about it! It was already small to start, but after nursing?! Man, it kind of shriveled up to this…oh alright, I won’t go into it. But you get my point.

  6. Beth on July 20th, 2006 6:59 pm

    Those perfect fit old navy shirts? Fit me perfectly. You want I should mail you all the t-shirts that end attractively just north of my belly button?

  7. LIsa on July 20th, 2006 7:05 pm

    I hear ya on th ugly stuff out there- I have the hardest time finding things that I both like AND fit the way I want them to. Apparently one is supposed to be either a toothpick teen or grandmother to shop at most places these days…pfft. Just this week I went to Target looking for a white shirt of some sort – I must have tried on 15 different white shirts, most of which fall into some category of hideous that you mention in your post. What did I end up gettng? A freaking YOGA criss-cross shirt – that I actually love. I guess its techincally exercise attire, but it looked nice and wasn’t a t-shirt or frilly thing, so I went with it. In white, black and this weird mauvy-purpley color. I’m feeling all hip (ish) now. Remember when clothes shopping was actually fun? You know, back in the days of the Forenza T-shirt? ;)

  8. Gen on July 20th, 2006 8:04 pm

    I’m with Beth. The Old Navy Perfect Fit shirts are the first I’ve found that always fit me just right. Almost everything else is *way* too short on me. And I don’t have a super-long torso (it’s actually short compared to my legs). But because my torso is short, I like a shirt that hits at the top of my hips, to balance me out. Perfect Fit does that for me for some reason. I have a hard time finding stuff that fits anywhere else. Now, wouldn’t it be nice if Old Navy and all the others could have a little of *each* style/cut so that *all* of us could find something? How about a little fairness, Old Navy?

  9. Kristin on July 20th, 2006 8:21 pm

    A) Where did you get that absurdly cute little dark denim shirt for Riley? Nolan must have one, provided they also have extra gigantic flavour.

    B) I am both Amazonian and boobless (well, as boobless as a semi-breastfeeding Mom can be) and none of the current styles look remotely good on me. All those cuffed and short pants make me look like I was shopping in the kids department and also chopped off halfway down my pasty legs.

  10. Mary O on July 20th, 2006 8:22 pm

    My life’s mission lately is to find some jeans that don’t give a huge muffin-top appearance to my post-baby figure. Oh, and tops that are long enough to cover up said belly without gapping up to reveal stretch marks would be nice too!

  11. Shannon on July 20th, 2006 8:47 pm

    It seems you speak for us all, Sundry! I just came home yesterday from my first time ever shopping at an American Apparel store in the U. District and oh. my. god., the most hideous clothing ever. The super long narrow shirts? Check. The cotton so transparent you can see the moles on my back? Check. The wide stripey polo shirts? Check. Uh, I already went through the stripey polo shirt phase in my life, BACK IN 1982 WHEN IT WAS UGLY THE FIRST TIME AROUND. And don’t get me started on the boot-cut jeans; even the “ankle length” pants that I could always count on fitting me at the Gap are too long now. Growl!

  12. sundry on July 20th, 2006 8:51 pm

    Kristin: the boy’s shirt came from (singsong voice) Old Na-vy. Shopping for babies is so awesome, EVERYTHING is a Perfect Fit!

    Mary O: You should try Cruel Girl jeans. I wrote a whole entry about how awesome they are: http://www.sundrymourning.com/2006/05/06/the-best-jeans-for-dropping-it-like-it-is-in-fact-hot/ (and now I just realized I have no good way to view my archives. SUCK.)

  13. zetta on July 20th, 2006 8:54 pm

    Ok. I am boob-free, 5 feet tall ONLY and there is NOTHING in the m-a-l-l that I can wear. Just sayin’. Boob-free is not your pass to mall heaven. I have found some good pants (check out XCVI wearables–esp if you like flowy lovely gauchos which are not stupid Lindsay Lohan gauchos but the little pants your cute acupuncturist wears, ahem.) Alas, I have also been at a total loss about tops. You are not alone, dear Sundry. I am delurking just to say this to you, and to let you know it isn’t because of your boobs. Love your boobs.

  14. sundry on July 20th, 2006 8:55 pm

    Oh! I have another jeans recommendation (I view this information as valuable since I personally have to try on 2948201 pairs before finding ANYTHING that doesn’t result in Muffin Top, Camel Toe, or Hem-Which-Drags-on-Floor): Gap’s “Curvy Low Rise Boot Cut” in regular length.

  15. Carolyn J. on July 20th, 2006 9:06 pm

    I’m thinking it’s not so much your boobage, as it is your waist measurement. Your waist must be smaller than the average gal with your bust measurement. Doesn’t that sound good?

    Sounds like you’re short in the torso too. I’m always yanking my damn shirts downward. But in all fairness, Old Navy has been tweaking their size specs this year, so what fit you last year may be too long this year.

    Not that any of this really helps – sorry….

  16. Lisa on July 20th, 2006 9:10 pm

    Amen sister! I hate those damn long t-shirts! I’m short, short-waisted and have big boobs and those shirts look like boiled ass on me. I have actually taken some of the cheap ones I’ve gotten at Target and hacked off 10 inches or so and hemmed them so they look sort of decent on me. Argh- who ARE these boobless Amazon women? I hate them!

  17. Annie on July 20th, 2006 9:14 pm

    I’m enamored of longer tops lately as there is more of me in teh middle than there used to be, but I agree most of these tees are way to long. And still too skinny. I look like a sausage. I am among the boobless and it’s not any easier to find clothes. And forget trying to find a bra in anything but black or white.

    Also, Shannon, totally with you on
    A. why are the tees so thin you can see through them? and
    B. these things were hideous in the 80’s, why are we revisiting them?

  18. girl in greenwood on July 20th, 2006 9:39 pm

    hahahahahaha! You must work near U Village – I surmise this by your desire to bite the tanned and waxed mommy calves. I have had that urge as well.

    And speaking as someone who is short and has big boobs, I hate all stores this year and want to cry. The best shirts I’ve found, depressingly for my sense of environmental and economic responsibility, are Faded Glory t-shirts from Wal-Mart. Sigh. At least they’re cheap.

  19. Ashlea on July 20th, 2006 10:27 pm

    OCTOPUSES!

  20. Gentry on July 21st, 2006 12:27 am

    The octopus is rad. Lucky little kid.

  21. Jessie on July 21st, 2006 5:21 am

    I hate the fashions out there right now too. I mean, I’m 26, dammit, so I shouldn’t have to shop at stores where my mom buys clothes in order to look presentable and non-stupid. I went shopping with my sister and younger cousins this weekend and was talked into buying a few of those victorian-esque blouses, which don’t look horrible, but which are definitely not what I’d normally buy. The store where I found the most clothes I liked was Ann Taylor Loft, and they’re having (or at least were recently having) a big sale. Good luck on finding clothes, and if you do please let us know where you find them.

  22. Robin on July 21st, 2006 6:01 am

    From what I can gather, those “see thru” cotton shirts are meant to be worn over some sort of camisole so you can see it underneath. As far as the long nightgown type shirts that you are supposed to wear over your jeans… Yuck! Also: skinny jeans? Please! I have HUGE feet and they make me look like Captain Caveman! :)

  23. ang on July 21st, 2006 6:23 am

    I was actually approached in the mall by one of those size -0 sales girls at a ‘trendy’ shop, who told me that LAYERING will but HUGE for fall. Then she showed me a tank over a t-shirt, under a short sleeved sweater with a blazer thrown on top. Then three big beaded necklaced to top it off. I looked at her scrawny ass and said, “HELLLOOOO! Don’t you think I’d look a little Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in all that shit?” I hate the current styles out there right now….

  24. stephanie brown (alwaysworried) on July 21st, 2006 6:25 am

    yes, the archiving thing? went to show a friend of mine an entry from a ways back (the mentos one) and it was like oh dear god when am i going to find it?!? lol
    but it’s ok, because she laughed at every entry and just how funny and great you are. she said she is totally gonna start reading your blogs cause she has been lacking good reads. ;)
    i’m not getting into the clothes thing because it is just that frustrating. and to think, i havent even had kids yet….i’m totally screwed!

  25. Kelly on July 21st, 2006 7:25 am

    OMG that’s the most awesome octopus ever! EVAR!

    FWIW, I’m just enough taller than “average” woman (by a whole 2″!!) that only the long shirts fit me, and big boobed enough that no shirts fit me well. I’m also pregnant now, and did you *know* that pregnant women aren’t supposed to have boobs!? I’m sh*t out of luck there, too! All those cute little empire-waisted shirts that look soooo flattering on pregnant women? pregnant women with no boobs, that is!

  26. Shannon on July 21st, 2006 8:17 am

    And they are all pushing their kids around in bugaboos or some other insanely expensive stroller.

    We ate at Johnny Rockets almost every night there while D was in the NICU. And at least they have a Ben & Jerry’s.

  27. AmyW on July 21st, 2006 8:33 am

    AMEN SISTA!!!!!!!

    Just reading the words “Perfect Fit” makes me scowl.

  28. ana on July 21st, 2006 9:47 am

    I’m finding solace in the fact that I am not alone in my fashion anguish…is that wrong? I’ve been church-laughing in my cube for the last 10 minutes because you’re all singing my song. Happy Friday, Sundry and Sundry readers!

  29. Mary O on July 21st, 2006 10:32 am

    Oooh…thanks for the jeans tips, Sundry. I will definetely check those out. And can I say in a completely non-gross way that your ass looked hot in those Cruel Girl jeans? There, I said it! And I swear I’m not pervy.

  30. Jennifer on July 21st, 2006 11:01 am

    I hate those damn long shirts. They look cute on the skinny people, but sadly I am no longer one of them.

    That octopus is fucking awesome, though.

  31. Leah on July 21st, 2006 11:17 am

    Those women? Are nannies, not moms. At least that’s what I like to think.

  32. Annie on July 21st, 2006 11:27 am

    Ya know, the Pilates-toned iPod-stroller-holder Puma-shoe-wearing women will eventually be on Oprah or Suze Orman, because they have $574,000 in credit card debt, whining about their empty marriages that led them to shopping addiction. I pity them.

  33. MATTY! on July 21st, 2006 11:30 am

    UGH! I hate those women! Those hybrid super mommies with their perfect figures with their sleek little sports cars and louis vuitton diaper bags that dress their children in little baby AE hot pants! They are NOT Mothers!

    And I am SOO stealing that extremely large octopus that you and Riley are safeguarding. Better keep your eyes on the prize, baby, cus when you’re not lookin’….*SNATCH!* MwaHA!

  34. MRW on July 21st, 2006 12:11 pm

    Not to keep harping on this, but someone is going to have to pry my regular jeans out of my cold dead hands before I buy a pair of skinny jeans. WTF is that about? There is no one outside of the fashion industry or over the age of 15 who can wear those things and look less than enormous. I will not wear them. I am also hating this whole frilly/victorian/boho chic crap that’s everywhere here. There is no way I can wear any of that stuff to work and be taken even remotely seriously. Stevie Nicks does not run my office. Starting to hate shopping pretty badly these days.

  35. Holly on July 21st, 2006 12:15 pm

    Get this Gonzo Stain Remover
    It’s a freaking life saver! I have the large size at home and carry the little purse sized one w/ me every where I go, I can’t tell you how many embarrasing/pissed off high heel/tomato stained crisis’s this has help me avert! It takes off everything, you just go to the bathroom spray this stuff on and blot like hell, spray some more, more blotting etc. until it’s gone. Then you have a wet spot for an hour or so but once it’s dry you’re as good as new! I also use it on the husband, he won’t let me blot until clean but will usually let me get in one or two squirts, it works great as a pre-treater to the laundry so that when he finally let’s go his death grip on the shirt he’s been wearing for a week straight w/ all the stains they actually come off in the wash! -h

  36. Holly on July 21st, 2006 12:17 pm

    PS, you don’t have to get it at Amazon, I think I got mine at Bed Bath and Beyond and Home Depot maybe… :) -h

  37. fridythirteen on July 21st, 2006 1:10 pm

    My sister and I were recently commenting on how much the new, longer, super-stretchy tanks and t-shirts totally rock. Because we are both of average height, but very very very long in the torso, and the regular t-shirts expose way too much butt-crack and/or front pooch (since they apparently only make jeans in two rises now: Mom-Jean and Check Out My Brazilian!) they are good for layering under a substantial surplice-neck t-shirt so that one’s boobs don’t spill out the surplice neckline, and you get that kind of cool hip-belt effect from the tank peeking out from underneath, that Trinny and Suzanne say is awesome to break up a long torso. I am no willowy waif, either: I’m a substantial gal who could have been designed by R. Crumb, and I have never gotten so many compliments on my clothes and figure since I’ve been layering the longer tees and tanks underneath my formerly too-short shirts. I’m buying a million long tank tops from Gadzooks and Target and Forever 21 because next year the belly shirt will be in again and I will be SCREWED.

    But seriously, you only need ONE layer underneath the t-shirt! More than that and you are seriously deranged. DERANGED, I TELL YOU!

  38. Jennifer on July 21st, 2006 2:46 pm

    Oh great.. my hubby is going to be really happy you showed me that necklace! LOL! It is so cute, I want one!!

  39. Jem on July 21st, 2006 4:35 pm

    My boyfriend is terrified of octopuses (octopi?) and when he just moved into his new flat, the old tenants had left a giant plastic octopus in the bath. It looked just like the one Chiara gave you. I saw it before he did, but when he finally went into the bathroom he just screeched.

  40. victoria on July 21st, 2006 4:39 pm

    Yes, that orange octopus is AWESOME and yes, a shirts are apparently made only for the boobless of this world. I like men’s shirts or wrap-style shirts with a stretchy camisole underneath.

  41. karamarie on July 21st, 2006 6:53 pm

    Fridythirteen–thanks, I was feeling like a total ass for loving the longer shirts so much. I’m 5’3, but also have the long torso and have been enjoying not having my belly/hips/butt crack exposed to the world. It is important to have jeans that fit properly with these shirts though, or the above mentioned, much dreaded muffin top will show THROUGH the long shirt.

    Tricky, tricky.

    But I’m still happy that i don’t have to be yanking my top down all the time.

  42. shannon on July 21st, 2006 9:55 pm

    Yes on the shirts.

    And man, that is one nifty octopus.

  43. Amy on July 22nd, 2006 6:22 am

    Holy crap! I haven’t seen Chiara in *years*. Thanks so much for pointing us at her journal. It’s great to see what she’s doing these days.

  44. Jennifer on July 22nd, 2006 8:59 am

    um, ok. that octopus? IS RAD.

  45. Sonia (DDM) on July 22nd, 2006 12:15 pm

    Oh, now I TOTALLY thought I was going to get to the Bellevue Square website with that link!!

  46. Amanda on July 22nd, 2006 1:44 pm

    I just dragged a bunch of shirts over to my moms house so she can hem the bottoms of them. I can’t even IMAGINE who looks good in an extra long t-shirt!

  47. Brandy on July 23rd, 2006 8:30 am

    Best thing in the world for all food stains? TIDE TO GO!!! I have this stuff in my desk, in my purse, and if it wasn’t fifty million degrees outside, I’d have one in my car too. Seriously, this stuff is awesome. It’s helped keep me from amassing a collection of large brooches to cover up my boob stains.

  48. Jane on July 24th, 2006 6:27 am

    Oh oh! Tell Chiara that NZ is great, and she’ll love it here. And tell her to watch C4 music TV because one of your loyal readers presents on that channel.

  49. Zoot on July 24th, 2006 9:20 am

    I have a future sister-in-law who looks gorgeous in everything. She wore one of those victorian tops (and she has boobs) and it looked so gorgeous and cute and I went out immediately and bought one. It did NOT look that cute on me. As a matter of fact, my husband thought I was wearing it as a JOKE.

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