October 3, 2006

To those of you who wrote to me after yesterday’s entry, thank you. It means more to me than I can adequately explain.

I have deleted the entry because JB was unhappy with how he was mentioned. To be absolutely goddamn crystal clear, I did not mean to imply he was abusive in any way shape or form. I was trying to talk about my own regret for arguing in front of Riley, but it’s true that sometimes I am completely surprised by the disconnect between what I think I’m saying and what people hear.

I didn’t know how to re-phrase anything in a manner which he would find acceptable, so I just got rid of it. I’m sorry I had to do so, because it was honest and the way some of you responded made me feel like I did something good by sharing my story. I wish I didn’t have to censor myself, especially over something I think is important to admit and talk about.

I do think about what I write here and elsewhere and how it might impact other people. I think about it with regards to Riley, whether or not it’s okay to talk about him and post photos of him, when he isn’t in a position to give me permission to do so. I don’t know for certain. I can only stay aware of what I’m doing, and make changes if I feel they’re necessary.

It’s pretty hard to talk about the ups and downs in your life if you never refer to anyone else. On one hand, I feel like this is my website, and I’m writing about my life. It’s about me, and how I feel. On the other hand, I have to respect the fact that JB may not want certain details publicized, because it’s his life too.

I’m frustrated because you guys helped me so much yesterday, and to be told that the entry was negative brings me right back to the same place of shame and regret.

But. This is not Enforced Blog Therapy. This is not where my family’s dirty laundry is supposed to be dragged out for everyone to see. I get that.

And now it’s time to move on. So…

100206_const.jpg

Look! This guy is constipated. I took this photo of a paused commercial the other night, because I thought it was so ridiculous. I can’t remember what was being advertised, presumably some sort of gastro-intestinal miracle drug, but seriously. Was this the best they could do?

Also, if you are having a not-so-great weekend, I highly recommend arranging for a giant box of GUM to be delivered to your house.

100206_gum.jpg

Thanks to a fabulous reader who works at Wrigley, I got all hooked up with my favorite Eclipse Polar Mint gum, plus a festive assortment of other chewables. I have to say, the lemon gum sounded about as appealing as spraying my mouth with Citronella, but it is, in fact, magically goddamn delicious.

I am trying to pace myself with the Plethora O’ Gum, otherwise I’ll hit some kind of glycerin/rosin overload and I, too, will have a message emblazoned across my belly: I CANNOT SHIT FOR I AM FULL OF GUM.

Comments

91 Responses to “Everyday misinterpretations”

  1. Lesley on October 3rd, 2006 5:55 pm

    I left a message for ya yesterday as Moonrattled over in PurpleFruit (that’s my typekey name)…anyhoo, just want to echo the other people here who didn’t see anything particularly negative against JB, only a startlingly honest account of two people having it out. If anything, you painted a rosier picture of him than you did of yourself. Just because he isn’t comfortable doesn’t mean what you wrote was bad.

    You made me feel a whole lot better about some of my own past doozies – I seem to be particularly skilled at throwing tantrums and staying in sulks for eleventy billion years. Once, in a horrendous moment I’ve been made never to live down, I slapped my sister’s face. (Secretly, I don’t regret it… because my sister has been utterly vile toward me so many times…but).

    I have at times wondered in if I’m an unconscionable egghead – because the b/f is highly skilled at accusing me of being uniquely vile, he being the strong silent type of abuser.

    If I am, it’s good to know I’m not alone.

  2. biodtl on October 3rd, 2006 6:01 pm

    I wasn’t fazed by your entry at all. if it makes you feel any better, mr b and I once had a fight like that (in front of our 2-year old son). When he went outside, I followed him to the door and threw my giant bottle of gatorade at home. Except that in my insane rage, I forgot that the cap was off so when pulled my arm back to throw it, I dumped the most of it on my head and back. So it didn’t really hurt him, but I was a giant, angry, sticky, purple jackass.

  3. Colleen on October 3rd, 2006 6:14 pm

    That was an absolutely fantastic entry. I am sorry you had to take it down, but I totally understand where JB is coming from. I am a private person, but your sharing that moment of your life has united so many people. It is wonderful how you make everyone feel not quite so alone. Please thank JB for allowing us to share in your life. You seem like great people who love each other and Riley to pieces. To me, that’s what shines through.

  4. Colleen on October 3rd, 2006 6:15 pm

    Ok, biodtl, that is hilarious!

  5. filakia on October 3rd, 2006 6:16 pm

    I wanted to write after the previous post, but I wasn’t sure if it would just make you feel worse. Your writing often moves me, and moves me to tears, and the last entry (now deleted) ranks up there as one of the most powerful ones you’ve posted. The other powerful ones, though, almost without exception, involved positive things, and it was both sad and affirming to read something sad and difficult, in a deep and heart-wrenching — yet utterly familiar — way.

    I’m sorry you deleted the entry, because it was beautiful for its honesty; it’s hurt; its truth; and its mundane-ness. And by mundane I mean that we all have done things, or said things, or had things done or said to us, that are similar. It’s hurtful, and tragic, but real and understandable and human and universal. I know that reading your entry made me sad for you, and JB, but also affirmed, because we all have these moments. I think. Even you, who on many levels probably inspires a little hater-aid in all of us.

    But I understand why you deleted it. I’m just glad I had a chance to read it, because it will, oddly, and illogically, inspire me. We all act badly; we all say and do regretful things at regretful moments. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself that you succumbed to your emotions and stress in front of your son; anyone could have done the same thing. We all do it sometimes; it’s moving past it that matters. Thank you for sharing your story.

  6. erica on October 3rd, 2006 6:23 pm

    I was going to comment, but everyone else has said what I wanted to say. so, I’ll leave it with this:

    thank you for yesterday’s post. it may be gone, but I will remember it always. you made me realize that I’m not alone in the “stupid shit I’ve done” department.

  7. Shawna on October 3rd, 2006 6:33 pm

    I too was amazed and touched by your honesty yesterday. Fighting flat out like that is not J’s and my style, but I still have to remember that our more subtle way of communicating discord could be noticed by Grommet one of these days so we’d better be careful. I’m sorry that anyone thought that yesterday’s entry was negative or showed JB in a bad light – for what it’s worth it never crossed my mind that you were suggesting he was abusive in any way.

  8. sweetney on October 3rd, 2006 6:39 pm

    mmm… forbidden gum constipation….

  9. omuchacha on October 3rd, 2006 7:01 pm

    I too thought about writing after yesterday’s entry, but figured the comments off section meant while it was there, you didn’t want to talk about it. So I tried to respect that.

    It’s ironic, yesterday my husband asked me if he was a bad parent because sometimes he just wants a little time away from our 11 month old son. He’d like time to just watch football or go for a walk without having to think if Grant was being taken care of, or when he needed to get home to give him a nap, or all those other things you worry about as the parent of one so small. I used your entry as an example of how we’re not alone. How sometimes you just need some time to get away – especially when your kiddo is sick and you’re even more stressed – and if you don’t the world’s biggest blow ups can happen and you can be really ugly even though you basically wouldn’t have said it if you weren’t so stressed and worried about your kiddo.

    So the irony?

    Last night our son who has been sick for the last week and a half wouldn’t go back to sleep at 3:30 am and the cry it out thing wasn’t working and my husband came into the room, took a look at Grant crying, said some smart ass remark to me that was spiteful, then slammed the door and walked out. Of course I follwed him, and then I said some mean hurtful things that I wouldn’t have normally said but in that moment I meant every one of them, and then he said some more too. Even after we just talked about your fight and how normal it was – we had one too.

    So don’t feel bad – and know that parents of small children will recognize that all those things we never said we’d do – well, sometimes stress makes even those seem possible once in a while. And you aren’t a bad parent because of it – you and JB and Eddie and me, we’re just human.

  10. Anne L. on October 3rd, 2006 7:09 pm

    Hey, glad you’re feeling a little better. I am QUITE gelus over all that gum… I quit smoking 3 months ago and my jaws have never been so strong! And as for the fighting thing…I didn’t think that JB or you came across as any more or less abusive than the other… just 2 tired parents needing a break, that’s all. Chew on…

  11. CartwheelsAtMidnight on October 3rd, 2006 7:12 pm

    Welcome back, Funny Girl.

  12. Tracy on October 3rd, 2006 7:42 pm

    Just found your site yesterday, and added it. I’m sorry you had to remove your post from yesterday, because it really was what made me add you to my blogroll. It was very honest, that post, and I didn’t take away from it anything bad about JB – it spoke of the frustrations we go through as parents and as spouses, and how hard it can be sometimes to meet in the middle. It’s hard to be the parent we want to be every day, and sometimes even harder to be the spouse we want to be. But when we’re having a down day in BOTH…well, you should be able to write about it, that’s all.

    Anyway…I enjoyed it. Good to know I’m not the only one who has those days.

  13. lena on October 3rd, 2006 7:43 pm

    Oh, do I ever know about blog constipation. I wish I could just spit my gum out! But, alas, I cannot because I sold my rights to. You make a good point though: this isn’t enforced therapy.

  14. Cali911Gal on October 3rd, 2006 9:07 pm

    I second what Robin said above. Your post brought me to tears, because you chose to expose the most frail, human side to all of us, most of whom I suspect you’ve never met. That takes untold bravery.

    I never for a second got any impression JB was abusive with you. I too have thrown things in anger, and to be honest, that breaking sound sounds really good when all you hear is red. It’s like, you want to hurt SOMETHING (not a SOMEBODY) and the breaking noise is like some instant, yet sick, form of gratification.

    The mortification of your actions, be they witnessed by your tiny child, or simply someone else, can be devastating. Please don’t let the resulting emotions overwhelm you. I think there are very valuable lessons for both you and JB to learn from that day.

    Yes the line in the sand was crossed. Nothing will ever quite be the same. But remember that sometimes growth can be painful, but it is necessary. Perhaps this was what needed to happen for you to both realize some things about each other, so that perhaps you will grow stronger together, rather than apart.

    I can see his point of not wanting the dirty laundry aired for all to see, at the same time I see (saw) the need for you to let it out. Your love and respect for him (I think) let you delete it. While I know you feel as though you are being censored, I still view that action as what it was – done out of respect.

    We all have to learn boundaries, whether they are in relationships, self monitoring, whatever. I think you both will weather this storm, and I hope you come out of it stronger and more solid than ever.

    Linda, I’ve lurked and watched your progress with your son, watching your family grown…you have a beautiful family and life filled with promise. Keep your chin up! I’m praying for you, JB and Riley!

  15. orangepeacock on October 3rd, 2006 9:35 pm

    Gosh, after the SIXTY FIVE other comments I doubt I have anything constructive to add. I hope it wasn’t too forward of me to leave a comment hoping you felt better in your ClubMom blog. I cried, too…I just figured that was because I was overly involved in your life via blog. See, your blog (and a couple of your friends’) means a whole hell of a lot to me. I’m 20, and I’m screwing my life up everywhichway, and I admire you SO, SO MUCH. Because you’ve been through a lot yourself. Because even though you don’t have the Perfect Life, you do have exactly what I want out of life – a loving family and general baseline happiness. I guess you’re kind of a role model to me (cue the cheesy after-school-special music), and give me hope that if I can just get through my present problems, perhaps one day I can have the loving family and the general satisfaction with life, too. And it was hard to see you hurting, hard for me to accept that things aren’t always roses and sunshine even if you are a good person who loves all the parties involved. I actually wrote about it in my journal…then deleted it because even though I didn’t do anything crass like mention you by name, it was really none of my business to be upset about in the first place. But I think this entry actually makes me look up to you even more. Because really, as much as self-censorship sucks, what’s more important? A blog, or someone you love? You handled it the best you could, and it sounds like you still are. Riley’s a lucky boy to have you for a mother and JB for a father, and I hope that I’m as good and caring and loving a parent as you guys if I’m ever lucky enough to have my own family.

    So…um….long mushy story made short….thanks. For being you. :-)

  16. Katie on October 3rd, 2006 9:51 pm

    Right…like orangepeacock, I’m thinking you have enough comments already. But here’s another! Oh goody.

    I have found, in general, that women share MUCH more than men do (see above comments for proof). Women know that about themselves and therefore, when another woman bares her soul, we sympathize. We understand. That is why it is comforting to talk and let it all out.

    Men, on the other hand, are generally not so much into the talking about things. My husband is ALWAYS telling me to quit telling people everything. They don’t understand that it heals us. Morons.

    What I took away from your entry was that you are wonderful parents who were shocked that a fight happened in front of Riley. Good for you. It is good that it bothered you enough to write about it. That is why you ARE a good parent. I thought the entry was entirely about YOU and how YOU felt. And, I hope it did help to heal.

    It helps to read such entries so that we know we are not alone.

  17. thejunebug on October 4th, 2006 2:22 am

    You’re not supposed to SWALLOW the gum, Linda!

  18. Kaire on October 4th, 2006 5:01 am

    Honestly, I have to say pretty much every fight I’ve had with my boyfriend has been stupid and one that I wish I could erase. Same thing, words and actions that got out and shouldn’t. I’ve wanted to chuck things at him. Hell, I’ve wanting to hit him with a frying pan, but unfortunately we don’t have a cast iron one and the little teflon one just *wouldn’t* be as satisfying.

    I vote for blowing :) Or at least trying bubble gum bondage with the bubble tape ….

  19. Graciemay on October 4th, 2006 5:35 am

    So now we know you and JB are human just like the rest of us. So what?

    You aren’t child abusers and you aren’t spouse abusers you are normal.

    I must say the post by breckgirl was oh.so.hilarious and oh.so.true…”how SICK is everyone else of all these TV ads with people sharing about how their ass hurts or their crotch stinks or their penis isn’t hard enough or their poop just won’t come out?!!!”…….I could not agree more.

  20. Zoot on October 4th, 2006 5:35 am

    I don’t think the message on the belly is as weird as the pepto commercials that make song and dance out of “upset stomach…diarrhea…”

    Also – just trust me when I say I’ve had moments uglier than the one you described yesterday. And unfortunately for me, my husband never stoops as low as I do. So my guilt is compounded later knowing that he’s a better person than I am.

  21. warcrygirl on October 4th, 2006 6:05 am

    All marriages have their ups and downs, what you wrote yesterday wasn’t that shocking to me. I can’t count the number of ugly things I’ve said to my husband in a fit of lack-of-sleep induced rage. And just so JB knows I never even thought of the word ‘abusive’ while reading it. Anyway, on to happier things…GUM!!! I wish I liked chewing gum as a box full of chewy goodness at my doorstep would be wonderful. Too bad I don’t know anyone who works at Hershey’s…

    BTW, is Riley feeling better?

  22. Liz on October 4th, 2006 6:26 am

    You’re human. It happens.

    Fighting, I meant. But also constipation.

  23. tanya on October 4th, 2006 7:08 am

    yesterday’s entry was fantastic and I’m really glad I got to read it before it went away. I understand why your man would be upset; I also understand why you would want to talk about it. I also understand how fights like that happen. I can only imagine how awful you must have felt. Thank god that fight is in the past now, yes? thank you for writing and for giving me something to look forward to, even when the entries are hard.

  24. Christine on October 4th, 2006 7:16 am

    THANK YOU. Thank you for writing about what can happen to any loving, wonderful couple under the strain of a child’s sickness. You and JB come off as heartbreakingly human and real. Every couple has moments like that (my husband and I have had our share of cringe worthy moments that I swore we would never get over). Somehow the scar makes you stronger. I don’t know exactly how, but it does.

    Shit happens and sometimes it involves pushing and broken glass and screaming and getting in each other’s face. And with all the crap a couple with a small child has to deal with every day, I really kind of feel like it’s almost theraputic to have some kind of volcanic melt down to get all the worry and anxiety and bad feelings wrung out of your soul.

    PS – the gum. You definitely need to stuff a couple of wads of gum in your mouth and blow!

  25. Mel on October 4th, 2006 7:59 am

    I thought yesterday’s journal entry was pretty honest. I admired you for writing it. Sometimes we are ashamed for what appears and perhaps your usband felt ashamed, too. I don’t know. Anyway, have fun with the gum and with your family!

  26. candace on October 4th, 2006 8:18 am

    I’m glad I’m such an obsessive reader…I read the post before you removed it. I think that by deleting it, you allowed the relationship to take priority over the individual, a good thing for the relationship, and for the individual, if you can see it that way and if you can keep talking about it with JB. I am glad you posted about the big ugly. It is scary and just like you said, heartbreaking. A physical reaction that may or may not have surprised you…one that people (I) have been surprised to have when at a complete fucking loss of patience and sanity.

  27. Indi on October 4th, 2006 8:38 am

    Actually, one of the ingredients in gum will make you poop ;-)

  28. SJ on October 4th, 2006 9:14 am

    First of all I wanted to say that I love your blog, and I think it’s way cool that you geocache!!! This is something that I enjoy doing too with the family. Second of all, I wanted to say ‘thanks’ just like many others have for writing the post that you deleted. I read it and I got teary eyed, and well, I related to it – I actually could have written it myself. So ‘thank you’ for not making me feel alone in this world and most importantly ‘thank you’ for not making me feel crazy, because as much as you can’t take it back, it happens.

  29. bee on October 4th, 2006 9:37 am

    Heh. I remember the unicorn boner. hee. AND, I happened to buy a huge bag of mixed chewing gum, and I was wondering why. What was the trigger? Well, now I suspect I know.

    All right, now I will speak empirically. As the parents of a young child, you will undoubtedly have more moments of frustration like this. Raising a child, and the demands they make can make us crazy, no doubt because it makes us feel inadequate. Why aren’t I fulfilling the kid’s needs and all that. But what parents of a young child don’t have is the perspective of having gone through it already. You are, like the rest of us, figuring it out as you go. That’s how it’s done. Never actually having the time that you need for yourself/yourselves will take a toll. And things get said. He himself and I get very clipped and Euro/Brit/Dane with each other but we tend to be ever so polite when fighting. We don’t actually fight, but that was actually a reason for some therapy. Turns out we’re sooo passive-aggressive. Anyway, things will settle and you will find constructive ways to deal with frustration. I used to (I can’t believe I am going to actually tell you this) take all the glassware and put it into the kitchen sink and beat the crap out of it with a big wooden spoon. Can you imagine?! What an ass! Yet I did. Now, when things get to be too much, I yell “TimeOut” and go out to the deck to sulk. If I see He himself starting to boil, I call him on it and we diffuse it. I don’t know what your way will be, but I can say that when Riley is nearing 4 years old, you will feel a lot more sane. Erm, unless of course you decide to have more. You and JB will be stronger for this. It’s your choice.

  30. honeybecke on October 4th, 2006 10:07 am

    Everyone else has pretty much said what I would have said- only much, much more eloquently.
    I was upset for you and your family yesterday. I was sad that it happened to such a loving, wonderful family. Nerves flare, tempers rise. Things happen. I’m really sorry.
    I read you day in and day out and I truly feel like I know you. I know that’s weird and silly, but it’s true. It’s only possible because you are so open and honest. It’s too bad that you had to delete the entry, but I understand. Maybe once JB reads your comments today he’ll feel a little more open to it. A litte more confident that we understand and know he is a good dad, and husband.

    Breath together, love together. Read each other a couple of Roald Dahl short stories and keep talking.

  31. anne on October 4th, 2006 10:52 am

    I haven’t read all the comments… there are just too many of them!

    First and foremost – the lemon/mint gum… you liked it? Eeep. I bought it on a whim while travelling to your fine city two weeks ago. I thought I’d try a new flavor to ban airplane breath. And – yuck. Most yucky. I despise that flavor with every cell of my being. It’s like eating a citronella candle with Vic’s Vaporub on top. Ick. Generally, I love Eclipse gum, I really do. Just not that flavor.

    I didn’t read your entry of yesterday. I struggle with what I should post and what I shouldn’t about the people in my life too. About five people – maybe 6 or 7 on a busy day – read my blog, so it’s not quite the same situation, but it’s the same issue. I have deleted many an entry for being too invasive of my significant other’s weaknesses – of our weaknesses. I’m sure I can’t add anything to what the plethora of others have said above, but I would say it’s your call what to post and what to pull after posting. It’s such a delicate balance. I think it’s all still working itself out, this online writing bit – especially with personal sites.

    I enjoy your writing very much – just wanted to throw that in there.

  32. ADM on October 4th, 2006 10:58 am

    so much for turning the comments off and deleting, huh?

    I hope JB reads this as well, b/c I too didn’t think of him as abusive at all. you were two frustrated, concerned, tired parents who found yourselves in an unpleasant, but no uncommon or abnormal place. It happens. I think the aftermath is one of the big difference between men and women. men are concerned that they aren’t seen as agressors, b/c that could be very bad for them. Women seek comfort be talking and sharing and sometimes being emotional open books. Both things are normal and I think his reaction and your subsequent feelings are in line with basic male-female differences. No one should think less of either of you for your reactions to a situation I am sure both of you would erase if you could.

    You mentioned that it bothered you most that you two were the ones to introduce Riley to how crappy people can be to each other. And while it is hard to come to terms with that, I hope you can also appreciate that you can also be the people who teach Riley about forgiveness and unconditional love and restoration of faith in another person. Sometimes you have to witness the dark storms to truly appreciate the sunshine. Try to remember you have another great opportunity to teach your boy something and that you are two good people who live and learn.

    Now, go revel in your minty-freshness. :)

  33. Her Ladyship on October 4th, 2006 11:25 am

    Just wanted to say I’m glad you’re back (not that you were gone that long). That was a really rough entry to write, I’m sure, much less have to have lived through, and I was worried not to see a new post by you.

    FWIW, I didn’t see any abusive behavior – just two tired parents.

    And I’m glad to see that they’re doing men’s stomachs now for the “I’m bloated!” commercial. Used to be just women. You know how us wimmim always get the bloats when Aunt Flo comes to visit. Sigh.

  34. Cara on October 4th, 2006 11:41 am

    Don’t worry people say things they don’t mean when they are mad, stressed, etc. Even in front of their children and sometimes to their children. We are human. JB not wanting his part announced is fair. He loves you and his son. We aLL do!!
    I agree with the blowing comment… only I am not sure I want to see the pictures unless all blowing is restricted to gum… then what fun is that!

  35. Michele on October 10th, 2006 3:47 pm

    I’ve been doing this online thing for about 10 years now. Before there were blogs. Poe – my hubby – used to balk at being mentioned. So we had a little discussion – I basically told him that this is my life. My blog. My space. He’s part of it, period. I asked him if he’d like me to use a pseudonym – he said yes, so he is now Poe. When he still complained about the fact that it was one sided, I told him that of course it is! It’s my view. I certainly don’t promise objectivity – never have. Then he said something, that just irks me when a grownup says it – “It’s not faaaaair.” So I got mad and told him if he didn’t like it to go create his own so he can have his own say. He did. Now – if he feels I’m unfair in what I say about him, he goes to his own blog and “sets things right.” I’m okay with that. But this is too much of a release – it’s one of the very few times I didn’t go along with things, because I really do want him to be happy. But everything in my house seems to be shared. With everyone. I didn’t take it well when someone wanted to dip their hand in my blog too.

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