I was watching Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead a couple weeks ago and there are multiple scenes where Marisa Tomei is wearing nothing more than a trailing bedsheet while she does something girlishly sexy like screw in an earring or flip her hair around and I couldn’t help noticing that her breasts, like, defy gravity.

I mean they actually point upward, each nipple bouncing joyously towards the ceiling. The rest of her body is flawlessly Hollywood-slender and probably pummeled into shape via Pilates and lettuce wraps, but what the hell, the woman was born in 1964, please explain how she has the boobs of a teenager.

My own personal chest region . . . well, two pregnancies and some weight gain/loss throughout the years haven’t been kind. When I get undressed, my boobs essentially drop to the floor and roll merrily under the nearest large piece of furniture. I have to buy those multiple-hook bras with thick straps and bolstered edges, and the one time I tried a pushup bra it was like trying to cram a bread pudding into a thimble.

Clothing designers are by and large an evil lot whose lifelong purpose involves frustrating the people that buy their wares — why else would I have four different sizes in my closet — but there is something particularly cruel going on with necklines these days. I can’t wear a plunging neckline because no one wants to see my, ah, sagging ruins, or the top of my sturdy, German-designed utilitarian bra, and I can’t wear a single item of clothing that requires a strapless bra (or worse, no bra at all), and let me tell you, there are not many pretty dresses out there designed with the gravity-challenged woman in mind.

I can tell you from experience that you can make a lot of changes to your body with diet and exercise, but all the pushups in the world won’t lift something that’s long since lost its boinga boinga, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

So tell me, should the finances ever align in my favor, do you think there’s anything wrong with marching into a plastic surgeon’s office and asking that they give me Marisa Tomei’s tits? I’m all done having babies and I hope I’m all done expanding and contracting, for the most part. From here on out, these sweater-puppies are nothing more than an adornment, so, you know, I’m just thinking it would be nice if they didn’t touch the tops of my shoes when I bend over.

Seriously, would you ever get plastic surgery? On the one hand, it sort of goes against the whole befriend-your-body thing I’ve been embracing lately; on the other, I WANT NEW BOINGA.


173 Responses to “Elasticity”

  1. Belle on October 19th, 2008 8:09 pm

    Am sure surgery has come far in the past 24 years, but that’s how many years ago it was when I had reconstruction/reduction done due to a humongous fibroid in one boob that doc wanted out lest it was hiding something in it or under it. The after-surgery pain was horrific and I’m no wuss. Drains are not pleasant being ripped out after 3 days of sticking to the breast tissue! A thousand and one stitches…and several of the inside ones popped through occasionally. No lifting and no sharing of bed with children for a long while. Very, very expensive, altho my insurance eventually covered it all.

    But! Perky I was, for about another 20 years. I had a wonderful surgeon and my gyne made comments every year about what a fabulous job he’d done. Said he’d seen more hack jobs than he cared to. So, be careful. My scars faded quite nicely around the nipple area (yes, not much sensation there but I ain’t into boobs, so didn’t care) but fairly heavy scars underneath each boob and up into the middle. But….again, perky!

    I recommend you watch one of those Health TV surgeries – it’s pretty nasty looking with all the flaps and the nipple hanging on by a thread.

    I am now just noticing the beginning of sag city at 58. I figure it gave me a good 20 years of damn cute boobs, so I’m ok with them going south a bit now. They aren’t that bad yet.

    And, yes, I’d do it again, even if I hadn’t had to!

  2. sara on October 19th, 2008 8:35 pm

    If it makes you happy why not do it. Everyone says you should be able to find a way to be happy without doing it but who says thats the right way or only way to find happiness when it comes to your body. And if you can’t be happy, it’s just their way of making you feel worse. So do it to it.. and tell us how much it costs. haha.

  3. Kristi on October 19th, 2008 8:53 pm

    Just a lift – I definitely don’t want anymore enhancement. I just want them to lift their little heads up to heaven, is that too much to ask?!?!

  4. lucidkim on October 19th, 2008 10:20 pm

    I’m too sleepy to read all the posts…but I had breast reduction surgery (had one that was what seemed like double the other…so I had both reduced) many years ago – and it is the best thing I ever did for myself. I think what you would need would likely be less invasive than what I had done. I saw a few “look at pictures of before/after/scars” comments – and that varies by person. I heal well and my scars are very nearly invisible. It took time (obviously) for them to fade, but they did and no one would know simply by looking I had ever had the reduction surgery. Perking them up surgery probably has a very tiny incision – but usually you can get a consult for free and they’ll tell you what all it would involve…that way you’d know what you were getting yourself in for.

  5. Amy on October 19th, 2008 11:10 pm

    Oh my holy hell….please let the fates align and provide me with the finances for some new jugs! I not only have the post-two-baby-droop, but I’m a DD. I know…if they’re small you want them big, if they’re big you want them small. But seriously, I’m only 41 and ugh……major droop. If you get the money I say GO FOR IT! It’s not about appreciating your body for what it is..it’s about being happy and I can tell you I’d be very happy with perky pals!

  6. Kaire on October 20th, 2008 5:17 am

    Just so long as you realize they have a life span of about 11 years … an ex-friend had implants and one popped. She had both replaced, has a ton of scar tissue, and no feelings in her nipples. But she has a nice rack!

  7. Michele on October 20th, 2008 5:42 am

    I have been thinking about a lift, as well. I love that you are not afraid to say what I am thinking!!

  8. Alexandra on October 20th, 2008 6:24 am

    I would consider two things – 1) what if the surgery goes wrong, I mean they are uneven or badly aligned or something, and 2) how do you think all these fake boobs are going to look on an 80 year-old body?

    Victoria’s Secret Angel Embrace demi …. I wear a 34DD and I wouldn’t buy anything else! (I also can’t wear strapless bras or no bra dresses).

  9. Amanda on October 20th, 2008 7:03 am

    I got a reduction for my back and it was the greatest thing EVER! They are small now, but point up. I can wear cute little tank tops and comfy bras.

    The only downside: I used to gain weight (when I gained weight) in the boobs. Now it all hits my stomach. I’m not liking that so much.

  10. Violet on October 20th, 2008 7:03 am

    I would do it in a minute. In fact, I plan to do it if I can get at least partial insurance coverage for it because I want a reduction. I’ve always been a C/D, I’m up to a DD after having babies. I promised myself that after losing the last of the baby weight I’d look into it and see if it’s covered at all. I’m tired of the back pain, and tired of not fitting into clothes, and tired of sagging and feeling old and frumpy. I don’t think it’s wrong to want to feel comfortable and good about yourself.

  11. Audrey on October 20th, 2008 9:58 am

    Once I’m done having kids and breastfeeding, I’ll totally be looking into new boobs.

  12. Katie on October 20th, 2008 10:00 am

    I would march in a demand the “mommy-makeover” in a minute! I was either preganant or nursing for over 3 years straight and damn if mother nature and gravity haven’t tag-teamed me! I have 38DD boobs that are aimed towards the floor and require the second coming to make a “perky” appearance. Then I was blessed with carrying my boys really high in my abdomen, which left me with a above-the-waist gut, which is worse than the below the waist if you ask me! I just want to be able to walk into a store and buy a bra without asking or having to go deep-sea diving to find the big-uns. To have 38D’s or even 38C’s, I’d be in heaven! And to think, I used to want my nose fixed, since it’s been broken 2 times, but I actually like my little bump on my nose, just not the bumps below!

  13. telegirl on October 20th, 2008 10:11 am

    I had to weigh in on this also: I would totally do it. I used to have the perfect C-cup perkies and after having one kid, they’ve lost “it”. You know, I don’t consider myself very vain but I sure miss that one god-given asset I had. I just want them lifted, no implants. I’m tired of rearraning my nipples when I get my bra on. I *never* had to do that before.

  14. Leah on October 20th, 2008 12:34 pm

    If you want the boinga, get the boinga. You’ve treated your body well. You and your body deserve it.

  15. Trenches of Mommyhood on October 20th, 2008 1:32 pm

    Totally. And without hesitation. In this order:
    Tummy tuck
    Boob job (bigger and perkier)

    And in a perfect world, insurance would pay for it. And there would be no recovery period.

  16. tanya on October 21st, 2008 11:00 am

    just fyi, I started boxing classes like a year ago and have noticed that an unexpected perk (literally) is that the chestal region definitely has more alertness than it did before, noticeable. It’s not like a whole new set of boobs or anything, but major pec workouts, well, they work.

  17. Christie on October 21st, 2008 1:46 pm

    Ok…I didn’t read all of the comments becasue frankly there is A LOT of them. I had a case of not very big, sagging boobies myself. Since May I have lost almost 30 pounds and told my husband that if I met my weight loss goal I was going to get a boob job…and I DID! I had surgery on October 3rd and returned to work on October 8th. The first night was rough and my chest muscles were real sore and I couldn’t get up from a laying position. So, the next day I went shopping (yes, the next day) with a friend and bought a recliner to assist me in the getting up from a laying position issue I was having. It has now been 18 days since surgery and I have NEVER been happier or had higher self esteem than I do now. I went from a not so great 34B to a 36D and they really are fantastic! On the 13th I went in and my doctor was amazed at how the healing had gone and told me to go shopping for regular bras…so off I went to Victorias! This passed weekend was the Navy Birthday Ball and I wore a dress…with no bra and boy did I feel good about myself! I already have most of my nipple sensation back…in fact right now they are ultra sensitive! There is still some tenderness but all in all it was a really easy experience and I would recommend it to anyone (not to mention they financed me for 18 months no interest so that helped)! My husband also enjoys them but I didn’t do this for him, I did it for me becasue I wanted to feel better about me and damnit I wanted to wear cute shirts! My doctor was amazing…he called me the eveing after surgery and also the next day to check and see how I was. The process as a whole was great. Unfortunately I live in the Chicago burbs…but, if you need a vacation…I know a great doctor!

    Bottom line…do what makes YOU happy…not what would please others!

  18. Amber on October 21st, 2008 1:57 pm

    I don’t think it goes against befriending your body at all. It’s just another improvement, right? One that you (and likely JB) will enjoy! And you’ll be able to wear super-sexy dresses again. I say, go for it. After I have babies (someday, maybe, assuming I ever get a date and then things progress) I’ll be right on board with you, scheduling time for new BOINGA. (And besides, you KNOW Marisa Tomei paid for her BOINGA).

  19. Becca on October 22nd, 2008 8:57 am

    I totally understand…I’m pregnant with my second (and last!) son and I daydream about winning the lottery to just put things back where they were pre-babies. The idea of having perky full breasts again rather than flat pancakes and a stomach pouch that will never go away without manmade intervention…ah, to dream!

  20. Sheryl on October 22nd, 2008 1:11 pm

    I will point out one benefit to having big, saggy boobies that only fit into a 4-hook grandma bra–I can go out without having to carry a purse. As long as I don’t wear a clingy shirt, I can tuck a license, a credit card, some cash, a key and my cell phone in there with the girls and no one is the wiser.

  21. Regretting it... on October 23rd, 2008 10:36 am

    This is a really loaded subject for me. I feel that a women should do what she wants and that it is nobody’s business but her own BUT that being said…I had a boob job done a number of years ago, best plastic surgeon in our city etc..and ended up with nerve damage in one nipple ( tooo sensitive) and no feeling in the other. I scarred pretty badly too and 15 years later now I need another surgery cause they look awful. I originally did it due to self esteem issues, but now being older and wiser I wouldnt do it again. I am left with the lingering feeling that I have contributed to it not “being okay” for a women’s body to age naturally AND the messages our current generation of young men are getting are not healthy at all. My close friend recently had her 15 year old son ask her about a nude 25 year old women ” whats wrong with her boobs?” She replied “nothing, that’s what a natural breast looks like”. Hearing that kinda scares me.

  22. Bethiclaus on October 23rd, 2008 3:21 pm

    I used to think that women (particularly mothers) who had elective surgery were reckless. After all, going under general anesthesia is serious business. However, two babies later, I am a huge hypocrite. A breast lift and a tummy tuck hardly seem like vanity anymore. As you pointed out, all the exercise in the world won’t put back what has long since given up on elasticity. Once I’m positive we’re done having kids, I will be saving my nickels for that elective surgery.

  23. Gretchen on November 1st, 2008 11:11 am

    I happen to LOVE my man made BOINGA BOINGAS!

Leave a Reply