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Jun
17
The new iPhone became available for preorder and my coworkers were chatting back and forth about wait times and problems with the online ordering process and everyone was very intent on having a brand new phone in their hands the day it ships, June 24. Our company pays for a new iPhone every calendar year so I could have been ordering mine too but I managed to stop and ask myself: is anything wrong with my current phone?
No. My phone is fine. It makes calls and it talks to the internet and it takes photos and jesus, it’s fine.
I am trying, lately, to step out of the cycle of want. Shoes makeup clothes hair products skincare bags gadgets stuff crap things. I’m trying to look at our current situation and see past the discomfort and stress to a deeper message about values and how happiness isn’t tied to objects.
I’m thinking about the things that are meaningful to me and how they are experiences or interactions, moments and conversations and feelings, and they don’t come in a box and I don’t need a new one every year to supplant the old one.
My boy Riley is obsessed with getting new toys, it’s all about tearing something out of a package and playing with it for the first time. A day later, its charm is diminished, it’s tossed in the toy box with everything else. I don’t know how to help him see that it’s a broken system, always wanting new things. That you’re custom-designing your own dissatisfaction when you live this way. I get it, after all. I like new things too. I like to open the package and touch something for the first time too.
I’m thinking how my job has always been to drive the cycle, to convince people they need new things, and how what I really want, instead, is to have someone tell me I made a difference. That I helped.
It’s all tied together somehow, lately. All of it in a complicated tangle and I know there’s something underneath that I need to get to. I don’t know what to do to make progress other than listen and think.
And for now, not buy a new phone.
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Stuff I Like:
Regina Spektor's "All the Rowboats".
She's almost unrecognizable in this video, but wow, what a song.
Smashbox brow tech.
Utterly foolproof eyebrow groomer/filler-inner.
Prada Amber.
My favorite perfume: sweet and exotic without being overpowering.
Blinc mascara.
I have tried all the mascaras and this is the very best one. Trust.
If it’s any consolation, I just finished reading Your Four Year: Wild and Wonderful and one of the characteristics of the age is interest in anything new. New experiences, new things, new words. You could focus on the new experiences rather than the new stuff.
I’m pretty good about making do (because I actually kind of hate spending money on ANYTHING), but I almost always say yes if I can get something for free, even if I don’t need it. For me, the payoff is in the having, not in the getting, and although I think that’s slightly less nefarious than the cycle of BUYBUYBUY, it’s still worth a little reflection into what I actually NEED.
I have a Wish List. A lot of it is filled with totally necessary things that NEED to get taken care of that we’ve put off because of finances. The rest is Stuff. Stuff that I’m convinced will make me/us happier. Because “Once we get X check in the mail we can get THISTHINGWE’VEALWAYSWANTED!” and the list goes on and on.
We have lived without splurges for a long time. And that list gives me hope. It’s fun to click around the internet and wish for things. But our situation, what we’ve been going through, has TOTALLY reconfigured our priorities. Look where Stuff has gotten the majority of the American people? Is it worth it? We’re still not happy overall. We need to not be such a throw away society and it’s sad that hard financial times have helped people see that.
Theo watches a lot of Veggie Tales (a christian cartoon series) and the video the other day was about just that. Stuff doesn’t equal happiness. And there’s a song on there that goes “A happy heart is a thankful heart and that’s why I thank God every day.” I know you’re not religious, but that message really spoke to me and I started to cry.
I’m working very hard to have a thankful heart.
I love that you don’t want a new iphone. LOVE.
I’m looking forward to reading all the responses you get to this. I have been struggling with this lately, and wondering what exactly my example is teaching my children.
I get all excited at the prospect of something new, but getting that something never seems to fulfill me at all. So I go after another new thing. Something I obviously need…when what I really need to is to learn to distinguish between need and want. There is a hole somewhere that needs filled, I just don’t know where it is, or what to fill it with yet.
I hope you find your answer, Linda :)
Since the new phone doesn’t have anything that I need and my 2 year old iphone doesn’t already provide I’m not going to upgrade yet.
You made a difference. You helped.
The last 18 months have been hell for me for a number of reasons ($30K in OUT OF POCKET medical expenses for me alone! but at least I lived!), and your blog has been one of the places I’ve turned when I needed to laugh or cry or just feel something other than the chaos going on around me. Your writing, be it about lawnmowers or insecurities or horror-short-stories about body parts burried at the beach, always draws me in and makes me laugh/cry/vow to avoid the beach and that has made a huge difference to me in the past year. That has helped me A LOT. More than I can say.
So new iPhones or not, you do make a difference, and you do help. I’m sure I’m not the only one.
/end schmoopy comment
Looking back, and it’s a long view, the things that I am most grateful to my parents for are generally experiences: travel, the opportunity to risk my neck on horses, which they hated, an education, a bounty of library visits, unending love. Did it make me happy at the moment or satisfied with what I had? Probably not. There is always something more to want. Age helps to know the wealth in what we have.
I just saw this today, and your comments about the iPhone made me think of it:
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/apple
How awesome for you, Linda. I’m kind of in a similar situation – I’m planning a wedding right now on a very limited budget. It’s very easy to get caught up in buying this, that and the other, and the next thing you know, you’ve got $10k worth of credit-card debt that’s nothing but wedding crap that probably just went in the garbage at the end of the night anyway.
So my fiance and I are evaluating every purchase thusly:
1. Will we remember this detail in five years? Will our guests?
2. Can we use it after the wedding’s over?
3. Will it add to our enjoyment of the day?
Clearly, this post really hit home for me, and in that way, I can assure you that you do indeed make a difference.
Non-schmoopy comment on the rest of the post:
With my pseudo-little-brother-and-sister (neighbors), what their parents did was all but get rid of wrapped presents for birthdays (they did always get something small-ish), but made a HUGE deal about planning a day for the birthday person. They pick the meals (two cooked at home, one out to eat), they pick the outting/activities (zoo, movie, boardgames, whatever). They made it a birthday DAY, vs. a birthday of STUFF. Pretty cool, I always thought.
I’ve been taking a hard look at our obsession with consumption lately and it is sickening.
I’ve been trying to focus on buying only what I really need and buying quality so it’ll last.
I was raised in a household that was like, All hail, Target! I’ve got to break the cycle.
You do make a difference. You just have to figure out how to make a living off of it.
Love that phrasing “custom-designing your own dissatisfaction when you live this way.” Maybe you should be a counselor! Or life coach…you definitely make us think and you also capture our feelings so eloquently (and funnily too sometimes). Keep on…
P.S. Samantha: I cried while watching Madame Blueberry too…the first time. I’m so Blue-hoo-hoo
Oh man…I am SO right there right now. It took a paycut a few years back (a 1/3 of my pay!) and still haven’t gotten it back. But we’ve learned to live leaner and cut corners and stop buying things just because we want them (or because I want them..my husband is very simple).
Right now I’m having a blast selling stuff that I never use! Old baby stuff, DVD’s I don’t watch, stupid impulse buys. And people actually buy my crap. It’s wonderful!
I’m joining in on the love-fest: you have made a difference to me. The personal obstacles you’ve overcome, the challenges you’ve set for yourself and the goals you’ve achieved…they helped start me on a path to a better, healthier me.
Plus you’re really damn funny. :)
But I always wonder about it, too…do we just resign ourselves to spending 40+ hours doing something that doesn’t necessarily fulfill us as humans, and then try to make a difference in our “own” time?
I did last year after my MIL died of cancer. I watched as all her stuff ended up on the curb or given away and I thought for the love of gawd what is this life all about? Is it about the shit we acquire or the time we have and how we spend it.
I stopped caring so much about being hip and cool and really just enjoyed my life. Maybe I jumped more deeply into suddenly being more like my parents because my thoughts a year later are OMG I am becoming my parents, so not with it and unhip.
Anyway, one way that helps me not buy as much is to keep a wish list on Amazon where I put stuff I want that is fun and cool and I probably will never ever buy but it is still nice to dream. I do the same with online shopping. I like to look and add things to the little bag and than delete and it is gone.
I am more conscious about how and what I spend my money on. The kids only get gifts at appointed time (birthdays and the biggie holidays). We do buy books year round because doooode they’re books but other than that I am better at letting of all of the stuff, being less hip and trendy and just enjoying the time I have with my family or things that I do for myself (like getting fit or baking or reading, etc…)
Once a dork, always a dork I always say ;)
When you work at home, it’s amazing how much less you spend. How many fewer new clothes you need.
Your boys are bright and imaginative and obviously enjoy old-fashioned playing outdoors. They could probably get all enthused about making stuff, especially if JB is into it. It’s just seeing all this shiny merchandise around that fills us all with wild longing. It does wear off though.
I can totally see you slipping out of the rat race.
“Happiness is not to have more, but to be more.”
=)
I’m kind of on the other end of the spectrum. My brother calls me Amish (though I’m not – not that there’s anything wrong with being Amish!) Shall we meet in the middle?
On Friday mornings I usually go to estate sales if there are any in my neighborhood. And then I go home and see if there’s anything I’m not using and I put it in a box to go to Goodwill. Sometimes I do the same after watching an episode of Hoarders. Which also gives me nightmares.
I never want to be a Stuffatarian who dies and leaves a house crammed full of *things*…shudder…
We are a society & a culture that is taught from the time we can walk that this object is somehow going to make our lives better. We HAVE to have it to be happy.
But at the end of the day, we don’t and we aren’t. Good for you for making the effort to not get sucked into the newest, latest widget.
Fortunately, hubs is practical and we’re broke, so that makes it so much easier to not get sucked into the temptation of the newest, coolest widget.
Teaching Riley these lessons now will make it much easier for him when he’s older and on his own. I wish my folks had done it for me. I’ve had to learn it the hard way since I started living on my own and without Daddy’s income.
My almost 3 year old has just started asking “Mommy, can you get me something?” everytime we’re in a store. He doesn’t pitch a fit or persist when I tell him no, but it is hard to see him arrive at that age of wanting. It was nice when he was content to just see things in stores, admire them, but have no desire or awareness that they could be his. The endless cycle of wanting is such a gross feeling when you start paying attention to it.
I think there’s something ingrained in us as a society about wanting to buy new stuff, even when it’s not good for us. It is a challenge to get out of the mindset that new equals better. A local preservation group has a slogan that the greenest building is one that’s been preserved. That’s a statement I agree with wholeheartedly. And yet, I live in a house that was built just four years ago.
The trend I’m noticing lately is, to be “green” and environmentally friendly, people buy brand new environmentally-friendly products (rugs and placemats made out of recycled materials!) instead of using what they’ve already got, even though the greenest thing is to not bring any more new stuff into the world.
But say we all stop buying more stuff than we need… then what happens to our economy, which is so based on consumption? Basically, it seems like we’re screwed either way!
As for Riley, could you maybe create a rotation where you put some of his toys away for a couple of months, then bring them out again like they’re brand new?
Nolita Morgan–Yes! Madame Blueberry! My son is always so concerned when she cries and says “Mommy she sad cuz she have too much stuff! But she be all better.”
Yes, son. You’re right.
*sniff*
When our second child was born my husband and I knew he wanted to take 12 weeks of leave after I took my 12 weeks, but most of his leave would be unpaid. I knew we could do this if we reigned in our spending, so I challenged him: for a month we would track all of our spending and whoever spent less won what they wanted (for me it was to sleep in both week-end days, for him it was to go fishing for two days). This didn’t count stuff like gas or groceries, just our splurge spending. At the end of the month neither of us had splurged on anything and it worked kind of as a system purge. Once we got out of the habit of buying whatever we felt like whenever we felt like it, we found we didn’t even want to do that anymore. A couple of months ago he was laid off and that spending experiment has paid dividends because we got so used to avoiding frivolous buying that we are doing ok on my salary + his unemployment. I am trying so hard to instill in my kids the idea that it’s not having what you want, it’s wanting what you’ve got that matters. So far, mixed success, but we keep on trying.
We deal with this “stuff-ism” in our family, too. It’s fun to get new things, it really is, but it’s so easy to get sucked into that cycle and with four kids, the “stuff” piles up fast. We make regular donations to our local used bookstore and Salvation Army, which helps, but it’s not enough to keep ahead of the influx of “stuff”.
I can’t relate to the whole iPhone thing, mostly because my mobile is 4 years old (I only use it to text – calls are super expensive in the UK) but I’m right there with you on the want vs need.
We were poor as kids, so I think my buying stuff was making up for what I lacked, and also what I perceived to be lacking growing up.
As an adult I bought a 3 bedroom, 2 bath home on 1 acre. And I had 3 cars. For just myself! I used to have stuff, and more stuff, stuff enough that even good ol’ George Carlin would be shocked. I had enough stuff to change out the colors with the seasons, and could decorate a table with so much style Martha Stewart would eat her own heart.
Then I picked up and moved 6,000 miles away – taking just a suitcase. I spent 18 months living in a single room and sleeping on a cot. Other than wanting a real bed, I didn’t miss a damn thing!
When I got my own flat, and started to decorate, I got excited about buying this and buying that and then I realized that I had lived for several years without it already and that not only did I NOT need it, I no longer wanted to have all of that stuff.
I’ve been unemployed now, so buying new things has become more can’t than won’t but what I do is keep a coin jar and when it gets full I get to buy myself something (new book, memory card, etc). Maybe that’s something you can try with the boys?
You made a difference by helping me realize I could run a half-marathon. Training for it right now, and what the heck, I think I actually can. Thanks for that. :)
This reminds me of the day I was dropping off my children at the daycare and a poor child was crying and crying because his mommy left him. The teacher, trying to console him, said – now don’t you like “stuff?” That is why your mommy goes to work, so you can have “stuff”! And I seriously got disgusted and vowed to be a stay at home mom. However, with a husband that is a small business owner in these tough times and two small children, the “stuff” I go to work for is benefits and money to keep a roof over our heads, but never in a million years would I tell my children I leave them so I can buy “stuff”. But it did open my eyes…and the amount of “stuff” that is consumed, or expected TO consume is really outrageous.
And my husband is all hypnotized by the newest model iPhone. And when I asked why? What feature on it is just SO AWESOME? …he couldn’t even answer. So I too will NOT be cajoled into buying one.
More of us need to come to this conclusion. was just reading on a friends blog about how she struggles with connecting “learning how to be happy” with “learning how to be less of a consumer”. It’s one thing to say you want to live more sustainably/wisely/frugally, but another to break yourself from the system; a system we have been trained into from the moment we are born. Keep going in the direction you’re going! You’re on the right path. More of us need to think these thoughts.
So weird, I just had the same realization about the iPhone, and what wanting it when I can’t afford it represents in a bigger sense.
Here I was, willing to pre order it, even though I don’t have the money currently, willing to add more money to my debt when in reality I am perfectly capable of waiting the three months it will take me to save for the phone.
My current version is broken, and slow, and yes should be upgraded. But I don’t NEED it today. Not enough to increase my debt for.
It’s amazing what we can do when we tell ourselves to stop wanting.
I am resisting the new iPhone too. I hate that everything electronic is an exercise in planned obsolescence. It’s so wasteful, but I have to participate because I am a professional photographer & graphic designer. Nikon, Adobe & Apple get all my money. One thing that I do with my career to make a difference is teach. I’ve been teaching photography for 10 years & it is an awesome way to get over fear of public speaking & shyness, and to give back by sharing your knowledge w/the world.
I think you’re spot on with “listen and think” for now. You’ve clearly got some big stuff shifting under the surface of your life, and it *is* all tied together. Sometimes you just have to wait for the subconscious stuff to bubble up and make itself known, and then you learn what you need to do.
Also, FWIW, you have made such a difference in my life, just with your writing, that I am secretly hoping you do bail on your marketing job and become a fitness trainer or healthy-lifestyle coach or something like that, because I totally want to work with you :)
I’m glad I’m not the only one who held out! I usually try to wait for the new shiny toy to come out, wait for all the glitches to f*ck with everyone’s lives, then buy the 2nd version of the shiny new toy… you know, the one that actually WORKS.
Good for you for turning down the free iphone. I’m sure a few people thought you were nuts. I used to really enjoy shopping and dreaming about the next purchase but then I had the experience of helping my mom move out of a 5 bedroom house with 3 generations of people’s stuff crammed inside it. The idea of stuff suddenly changed from desirable to burdensome. It’s just unsustainable for all of us to chase the cycle of stuff, yet our culture is really centered around it. It can be very difficult to exit the loop. What’s now more important to me are things like having new experiences, connecting to people, ideas and art. I’m positive you have and will continue to help a lot of people through your writing. It’s harder to quantify.
Ah, “Want” vs. “Need.” Sometimes the distinction is so very difficult, and one I struggle with regularly. Good for you on the iPhone.
Yesss! One more for me!
This is a very timely post for me. We’ve been going through many of the same things you’ve been writing about. We don’t have any children but I totally identify with everything you’re saying. I can distinctly remember waking up as a child with a zing in my mind every time I got something new. I would pop out of bed, excited to have something new to play with, and as soon as that feeling wore off I’d start whining for something else. I wish someone had told me no more often then.
Lather, rinse, repeat and here I was 30 years later living in a five bedroom house with two over priced cars in the driveway and more junk, crap and fluff filling it than anyone needs. Last fall, the brakes screeched on my life when my brother died suddenly and violently. It took packing up all his stuff and sifting through it to find the things that were important to him, while listening to his girlfriend and my mother argue over who got what to snap me into “the now.” They fought over appliances while I dug through piles of stuff my mother slated for Goodwill, looking for his favorite sweatshirt and a picture of us on vacation. I know it sounds insane, but I went to my husband l and told him if things didn’t change I was leaving. Lucky for me, he was ready to listen.
We’ve sold off most of our over priced possessions (flat screen TVs, BMWs, Jetskis, three bedrooms of furniture, exercise equipment, multiple laptops, designer clothing, bags, shoes, etc) paid off all of our debt, (and anyone who tells you that didn’t make them feel like a freed slave is a liar) found a buyer for our house and learned a lot about ourselves in the process. I was able to quit my job and stay home to help my husband with his business, giving him much needed time to himself. Our families both think we’re insane, but we’re moving cross country in August to start over at the beach instead of waiting to retire there because it’s what was at the top of both of our lists of things we wanted. Life is too short to wait.
I won’t lie, I have had a rough time of it. I find myself being sucked in with ads for new iPads and iPhones, answering phone calls from Bloomingdales telling me they have something new in I’ll just love. One more $300 pair of jeans won’t hurt, right? I have room on my charge account. Ironically, credit offers have poured in just as I’ve stopped needing them. This is the first iPhone I won’t be getting brand new, and I’m even thinking of not having a mobile phone after we move and going back to my natural hair color. (I doubt that will happen though, because it makes me happy to get a new hairdo, and I’m not joining a convent, just reassessing my priorities.)
Breaking the cycle of spiritual poverty has been harder than dealing with the death of my sibling. Not distracting myself with new pretty shiny stuff has given me the focus to get down to what it is inside me that made me the bottomless pit of want and get a grasp on it. I’ve been able to properly grieve my brother’s death and move forward, rather than smother the hurt with stuff. I’ve fallen in love with life again. I take pleasure in helping people rather than assessing what new things my friends have that I want. When I look in the mirror I see me, not my lipstick and shiny hair and fancy clothes. Turning off the TV, avoiding websites that I used to go to to tell me how I should dress, look and feel about things and stopping my magazine subscriptions has helped me break the cycle of want immensely.
To quote Cher Horowitz, who taught me I should really only wear things once, I gave my soul a makeover. It’s been worth it.
Good thought provoker! Couple things.
Thing 1: My mom was always very, uhh, frugal, to put it nicely. But there were two things that it was ok to spend money on in our family: travel and books. We traveled to England and/or Australia just about every summer of my childhood. And before each trip we could go to the bookstore and pick out whatever books we wanted to take with us. Looking back, I think that kind of spending was targeted on the right areas. In college, my parents paid for me to take a ‘class’ that involved a week-long hike around Mt. Blanc. They wouldn’t send me a nickel in a care package, but they bought me a $1K flight on Swissair. That experience is with me to this day, and will always be. Once in a lifetime.
Thing 2: Despite thing 1, as an adult I found myself growing really into ‘things’ — clothes, shoes, etc. And then I had my son in January, we went down to one income, and I found myself cutting back while at the same time no longer feeling as much want for ‘things.’ Funny how life can reorganize your priorities for you, especially when the going gets a little tough.
What a great post, Linda. And you definitely do make a difference. Thank you for being you.
amen, sister. sounds like you’re getting closer to your dream.
I know exactly how you feel. Thanks for putting it in words, and out on the internet, so that maybe a few other people will think twice before they pick up the brand new whatever it is when their old whatever is juuuust fine.
This is such a great post and very timely for me since I just needlessly bought a third pair of KSwiss running shoes for no good reason other than turquoise appealed to me and “how nice would these look with my new Lululemon outfit”.
Our entire economy and culture is founded on endless consumption and instant gratification. I find myself caught in this cycle of want, boredom, and disappointment.
Hair products…my God. Every time I go to the hair dresser I allow myself to get talked into some new product.
Thanks for this reminder to be more conscious of my consumption (and spending!).
Good gosh, surely you have an idea that you make a difference to so many people who read your writing! You’re amazing! =)
What a great post. Thanks for reminding me that the best things in life really don’t come in pretty packages (unless you count hospital receiving blankets…).
You’ve always helped me.
As for stuff, I hear you. Living in VT was awesome in this regard. We lived without all of it. We had nowhere to shop, so our priorities were completely focused. When we first moved here, I went NUTS with the shopping. NUTS. And now … not so much. I’m trying to make a point to go places that don’t involve shopping — I don’t mind paying for an experience, but I don’t need to BUY anything. This is especially important for me with Sam.
Some things we don’t compromise on are dinners out, because they make all of us really happy, and we spend time together doing it. But buying stuff? Nah. I’d rather save the money. And I NEVER thought I’d feel that way.
I’ve been realizing the same thing over the past couple of years. I still get the urge to buy something (or things) new, but I’m getting better. It’s a process. I’ve noticed especially since I’ve had my son that I’m much more frugal since, you know what, I’d rather spend the time I’d spend at work paying for that item with him at home. Haven’t managed to make that leap yet, but I’m thinking about it.
One exercise my husband and I have found helpful for connecting money to dreams is 31 Days to Fix Your Finances at Simple Dollar (http://preview.tinyurl.com/2cv62r). It helped me realize that I don’t need or really want a new car, tons of stylish clothes, etc. What I’d rather have is a comfortable home, guilt-free yoga, and some vacations. :)
Good luck in your effort to reduce the “stuff.”
My screen saver says (simply):
’tis a gift
And you all can figure that one out.
The timing of this blog post was perfect for me. I’m terrible with money (spend! constantly! want new stuff!) and lately I’ve had to re-work my budget and cut back on, well, EVERYTHING. Including eating out. So I’m being really strict with myself.
And this is a nice reminder. You’re absolutely right. Happiness isn’t about stuff.
If only more of American felt this way.
Good for you Linda.
Wow, you said a mouthful. All of it totally rings true. Just know that your blog is a place where a lot of people feel like they’re understood, and that’s a lot more than a lot of people do to help the world.
Also. I went through this too, and my job also necessitates creating some want and desire. I’m actively working to change that. And when I got laid off I was forced to learn A LOT about want vs. need. I feel like I’m better now, but I’m not totally cured.
I have a long, running wish list but Mike and made a pretty hardcore budget a few months back and we each get a set (very small) amount of money to do whatever we want with: eating out, new clothes, going to the movies. Anything that’s just for us, comes from that budget. And it’s helped me immensely. When I want want want something — shoes! a dress! jewelry! — I ask myself if I’d rather spend the money from that account or save it for a trip one day. The trip always wins.
Also, I went through a phase recently about NEEDING! a new dress for BlogHer. How would I make friends if I wasn’t wearing something new! And shiny! And fuck that. I’ll wear something I already own and hopefully whoever I talk with could care less.
It looks like I am not the only one here who feels that your comments strike directly at issues I’ve been struggling with myself lately re: spending and consumerism. My major weakness is a “great deal” — a shirt at H&M for $4.95. WHAT? That’s less than the cost of a lunch! Thing is, do I really need another shirt? It’s very hard to break that cycle.
I also want to add that your blog definitely makes a difference. Others have stated this, and I know it has been inspiring, entertaining, fascinating (I still tell people about how cats will eat their dead owners’ corpses, starting with the nose!), heart-warming and heart-breaking.
Perhaps you would like to get more immediate or direct feedback for the enjoyment and benefits so may of us receive from reading your posts; still, we are out here, the invisible masses, benefitting from your writing. Pathetic as it might sound, probably the greatest benefit I have gained is that there have been some very dark times in my life during which your blog was the only “friend” I had, and reading about what was going on in your life provided a lifeline for me. Your blog was a link to normalcy and an escape from what was happening in my own life. I don’t intend that this compliment should turn into a source of pressure for you, but I want to assure you that if you doubt that even writing about mundane or trivial things (aside from the inspirational example you set with your struggles with alcohol and your running endeavors) could help anyone — you are wrong. Very wrong.
Thank you for sharing yourself so freely. My life is much richer for it.
thanks for sharing these thoughts… I’ve been thinking about clothing like this — consignment, etc. but I’m impatient about shopping sometimes…
I just loved this post so much. It has been so eye opening in the last few years for me to step back and realize what a horrendous, brain washed cycle most of us are in, starting from infancy, that NEW and MORE equals better and equals happiness and… well, equals more. And it so often works the opposite way. Big applause for the way you have so often brought up this subject in a gentle yet thought provoking manner.
I have been dealing with many of these same issues for awhile and am also trying to kill the consumer within me. So much stuff I just don’t need, so much wasted money. If we all felt the same, I don’t know what it would do to the economy, but I bet a lot of us would be a lot happier with a lot more cash in our pockets or savings. This was a great post!
And Amy, your comment was a post in and of itself, I enjoyed reading your story and thoughts, thank you for sharing them.
Hallefreakinlujah. Isn’t it awesome to learn that you can choose to got off of the work to buy stuff treadmill.
oooh….touche. Im having a terrible time with Nathan who is also in this constant want cycle. We’re trying with allowance and the ‘envelope’ method how to save/give/spend and save up for something he wants. But we’re stuck in this “id rather buy a $1 piece of junk than save up $10 for a transformer’. Its so hard and I think American society is just so…. I want/ Im entitled/ I deserve/live for the moment who cares if we cant afford it and deviating from that takes will power.
We leave Japan in one more year and part of me is thinking “I want to buy this and this and this and one more piece of antique furniture and dishes and X and Y and Z before we leave.” And then I ask myself WHY? I already feel so trapped by our crap and I can’t understand why I would want to add to it but I think its maybe some way of capturing the experience- our time overseas, the trips we’ve taken and the places we’ve gone. But really– the jar of seashells I have sitting on the table accomplishes that– so many memories of little hands grabbing at shells and rocks (uglies and pretty ones alike), memories of days spent at the beach and how those simple things are what make life so rich. I should just be happy and content with simple things like my jar of shells but the cycle of want never really goes away.
We always make cost comparison with our kids. We will point out that something they want, an Xbox for example, is half of our food budget for a month and each individual game costs as much as our car insurance for a month. We try to reference something they want with something that is a basic necessity they we need as family. We hope this teaches them to have realistic expectations about the costs of life and how to balance needs and wants.
[...] Shiny : All & Sundry [...]
Fantastic post. That is one thing I love about living in a small farm community in Ohio. We don’t have many places to shop and I hate paying for shipping when purchasing things online. It helps to keep the constant shopping to a minimum….and I won’t by an iphone since we don’t get any cell service for them here. Whenever I visit my friends in the wealthy suburbs of a larger city, I always leave there thinking I am glad that I don’t have to worry about have the “right” clothes, car, house, toys, classes for my kids, etc. Also, we have a LOT of people living in poverty in my community…definately helps to put it all in perspective.
how bout you take it anyway and sell it to *ME* for 50 bones? lol.
Great post. So important to remember, especially since I don’t always do a great job of avoiding the pretty, shiny things.
Melissa, your comparison strategy sounds like a great way to teach kids about money, so obvious, but I never thought of doing it that way. I’ve had such a hard time explaining the value of a dollar to my little ones. When I say something’s “too expensive,” I get, “Mom, just go to the RayTM (ATM) and get some more money.”
Good for you!!!! I want to hug you for this post. In a non-creepy Internet stranger kind of way, though…
I think the best way to teach your kids any value is to live it, and it sounds like you’re making moves in that direction.
Well written. I’m there with you. Despite already living a relatively simple frugal life, I’ve been trying to simplify even more so I can find time to do the things that really matter– be a good mom, friend and family member, and re-discover myself. Now that I sit back and watch the Facebook posts of my friends of “I got/I want/I need ” I feel liberated that there’s no pressure to compete and ‘keep up with the Joneses’.
If you ever really want to evaluate want vs need, just move (yourself, no movers). A brilliant way to open your eyes to what you really don’t need.
Thanks for your wonderful writing. I get so excited everytime I see the email notice that there’s a new post! Those 3 minutes of my life spent reading really does wonders for my state of mind… and it’s always good!
I went through this about a year ago. We got rid of cable, threw out what seemed like two housefulls of junk that we never use but just wanted to ‘have,’ and stopped saving for stuff. Now we save for experiences – day trips, vacations, etc. I’d rather have memories of DOING stuff with my kids than my kids HAVING stuff.
At that time, I also threw myself into a bunch of volunteer work. It’s hard to make time for it with two little kids (I have a 4 y/o and an 18 m/o), but it helped too.
This is a good short movie that relates:
http://www.storyofstuff.com
Helped inspire me to be more concious of my spending decisions and lifestyle. Listening and thinking is a great start to getting to the heart of what really matters to you.
Enjoy the journey…
Sounds like you might want to work for a nonprofit, seriously. I was an academic researcher until my early 30s, then I switched careers but remain in an academic position. All my jobs have been at nonprofits. It’s great to be part of something that is bigger than yourself, all of us working together to advance human knowledge, improve health care and understanding of mechanisms of disease (in my case), and not be driven by shareholders. Our group still has fiscal issues, as does every business in this country, but that kind of decisionmaking is above my pay grade, so I don’t worry about it.
Wrt “shiny,” Hubby and I aren’t particularly materialistic now (well, I say that, but we are relatively quite wealthy, having been DINKs for many years) but we had plenty of time to buy what we wanted and got it out of our system in our 20s. Now, we replace things when they break, no longer fit, etc, but no longer buy weekly for the thrill of shiny, and the extra money goes to the 403(b) (nonprofit equivalent of 401[k]) and/or daycare. With 3 anticipated in daycare next year and the requisite purchase of a car that can simultaneously hold 3 car seats, we have scaled back our consumerism even more this year. Hubby (from NJ, I swear he has shopping genes) sates his urges by window shopping, and I’m too busy gestating and feeling like crap to go shopping or pursue my hobbies that require new supplies. All told, though, it did take us a while to go from buying “stuff” to buying “experiences” (or “memories,” if you will).
Good luck! It’s so hard to change how you think, but surely it is worth it.
Geez…you are in my head. You do make a difference, whether you realize it or not.
@anne – you took the words right out of my mouth.
You have made a huge difference Linda. Dont forget it
Have you seen those commercials with Alicia Keys, where the camera has a display on the front, by the lens, so that you can center up and take a picture of yourself? The fact that there is a market for this camera, and Facebook, has really made me think about what it means to have an experience for YOURSELF, rather than to have an experience in order to show it to everyone else. It’s all keeping up with the Joneses, whether it’s showing them your Beamer, or showing them your kick-ass party fun time.
My book recommendations (that you can get at the library):
_Not Buying It: My Year Without Shopping_, by Judith Levine
_The Story of Stuff: How Our Obsession with Stuff is Trashing the Planet, Our Communities, and our Health—and a Vision for Change_, by Annie Leonard
Also, Leonard’s site is worth checking out: http://www.storyofstuff.com
When I worked for a media agency helping market the world’s biggest retailer, I started to feel dirty after a while. Like I was part of a problem.
The shiny gets me too. It DEFINITELY gets my four-year-old.
It’s a crazy difficult cycle to break out of. It’s cool that you’re thinking/talking about it. Gets me thinking too.
Linda, I’ve been cheering you on silently from the cyber-sidelines as you’ve been on your journey…a stranger who is proud of you and inspired by you as you become Linda 2.0 – a better, more glitch-free version of your own true self.
As someone who is also feeling the yuck of my career path. I just wanted to give you some input about the other side of a “helping” career. You are hoping that someone will tell you that you made a difference or that you helped…that has not been my experience. In 15 years I have been told twice that I helped and thank you. Now I know that I’m very good at what I do and often I’m the only person helping and I know that I am helping but that has to be enough because I don’t hear it from the people that I’m helping. It is a thankless job and it absolutely taking too much from me. I wish I had a job like yours that was a paycheck without any soul attached that I could leave at 4:30 instead of giving pieces of myself away (thanklessly) and have very little left over for myself and family. I’ve just had babies and I don’t think I can return to my line of work because my babies need what I give to others.
Just wanted to give you the flip-side. Hopefully coming to it later in your career life you will bring more balance to a helping type career. Also if you are helping with fitness/nutrition you might receive more gratitude because people are in a place of being more collaborative and appreciative. It is all too hard to figure out at once but the growth potential is amazing!
I’ve gotten to where I don’t want new things. I want my old things to keep working, and work well. I don’t have the time or energy for a new learning curve. That said, my son downloaded (uploaded?) a nasty virus on my PC last night, and none of my files are backed up, because he borrowed my external hard drive months ago and never returned it. I just hope his girlfriend, the computer whiz, can retrieve my files and fix my system. That said, I wouldn’t mind having a new Droid, but not enough to actually BUY one…
I know you weren’t particularly fishing for compliments here, and I applaud your questioning of the cycle of want, but I just have to tell you how much you have made a difference here, on this site. I found such solace here when I was home alone with my newborn and had no idea how to function and what would happen if I stopped checking her breathing every five minutes. I read every post about Riley’s early days like it was divine truth chiseled on a tablet. Your humor and warmth and intelligence come through every post, even, ESPECIALLY, the dark ones and that is a gift. Thank you.
“I’m thinking how my job has always been to drive the cycle, to convince people they need new things, and how what I really want, instead, is to have someone tell me I made a difference. That I helped.”
aaaaand, after 8 years of reading your blog on a couple times a week basis (i’m 26 and randomly found you on diaryland my senior year of college) you just summed up what I went through after experiencing a life-threatening, years-long, in and out of hospitals illness in college.
I started out at age 6 with my copywriting portfolio – no joke. I was a kid with a passion for advertising, at least the creative side. I loved it because it was fun, and I still love it to this day. I even got my degree in it. But the closer I got to graduation, and the more I went through my illness, well, the more that that paragraph you wrote kept resonating in my heart. I started taking service learning courses in the honors college, started volunteering. Went to support groups, and eventually lead support groups.
The end of the story is that I’m meeting with a lawyer next week to get my non-profit certification. And going to graduate school for social work, to eventually combine my copywriting/advertising degree to do non-profit advertising. Because, like you said, I want to DO something. I want to help.
Thanks for once again being not only talented, clever, honest, human, courageous, interesting, guffaw-inducing, and raw, but also inspiring. motivating. and perpetually on the path of self-betterment and self-fulfillment. We could all use that kind of agenda.
I am writing this quickly (i.e. didn’t read other comments yet – sorry!) I just read a good article – I think in Wired magazine – about the founder of Patagonia. It was interesting, because even though he sells “stuff”, he is thinking of ways of changing our habits of consumption. Made me think of changing things from within the consumption cycle…
I really like this post. I get tired of hearing people whine about how wrong it is to buy stuff, about their guilt, about how I should feel guilty, with the undercurrent of oh, how BAD we all are. SO TIRED. But even though I want to put a piece of tape over someone’s mouth every time they start spewing all the old crap, there is something to realizing that the process of consuming can be really unfulfilling at times, particularly when we’re consuming just for the sake of consuming. I liked it when you said, “you’re custom-designing your own dissatisfaction when you live this way.” Yes. That resonated with me. So, thanks for bringing the “stop and think about it” in a way that doesn’t make me want to heave a big, loud, exaggerated sigh and walk away. Because I needed to hear it–in a way that I could hear it. It’s time.
That’s why my kids don’t get many toys for Christmas or bdays. They don’t play with them. So instead they get art stuff or giftcards to bookstores. Things they can DO!
I still want the new Iphone, only because I have version 1 (the gramma version as I call it) and it’s about to become un-upgradable with the new software that won’t work on it.
Oh HELL no. Your company gives you a free phone every year. Get the new iPhone! The cycle of want is OK to observe and perhaps, curtail, if you are broke and really can’t afford to buy said iphone or any gadget for that matter OR you are narcissistic and ungiving and “wanting” something more for youself is over the top. You are NEITHER of those things. Enjoy these things given to you for a job well done. You can donate the old phone to halfway houses for battered women if you are feeling so inclined. Love your blog immensely. That is all.
Oops! I thought Apple gave you guys the new phones for free – I thought I remembered reading something about that in an earlier blog entry. So….if you have to buy it….eh….I don’t know. You kind of deserve it anyway, so I think my original comment might still stand.
I have an IPod Touch because we don’t have Qwest cell service here. The new IPhone is pretty moot for me for that reason.
This post resonates for different reasons though. I grew up really spoiled. We wanted it, we got it. My mom was poor growing up so she wanted to give us what she didn’t have. My brother is pretty materialistic and so is his wife. They like their toys and shiny new things. I am not like that. I enjoy something new if I need it and want it and actually get it but I don’t have to have it. If I spend money it’s on my kids. I rarely spend money on myself. My husband has to force me to buy new clothes or makeup or go get my hair done. When I do I enjoy the time so much but it just never sticks as being something I go back and do continuously.
My husband on the other hand. OY. His mom is the most materialistic, selfish person on the planet. She’s actually gotten herself in trouble and filed bankruptcy twice, both times because of credit card debt she ran up supporting her “wants”. As a result my husband is exactly the same.
The only difference is he has a wife who worked in finance for years and HATES credit. If I let him he’d do exactly what she does. He loves shiny new things. New phones, new tech, new clothes, toys, etc… He wants my son to have the most expensive sports equipment, clothes, etc… It’s a never ending battle. I wish he’d have an epiphany like yours!!!
Oh my. This post gave me shivers. You are on the edge of something profound here, for sure!
And by the way – YOU MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN MY LIFE. Thank you, for all that you do.