November 29, 2006

Okay, I’m ready for Seattle’s cold snap to be over with. Where’s that Pineapple Express, goddammit? It’s far too shivery for my wimpy mild-climate bones. I tried to get in my car this morning to rescue one of Riley’s shoes from the backseat (side rant: I am ready to medically staple a pair of shoes/socks to his feet and remove them only when he’s outgrown them, because arrggh, it doesn’t matter if they involve elastic, velcro, or laces, he can Houdini his way out of anything in .004 seconds, and then he’s waving his BARE ASS FEET around in freezing temperatures like a DAMN FOOL) and it was frozen shut. My car! Was frozen shut! I’ve never experienced that before and it totally flummoxed me. I came inside and told JB that oh my god I need a new car with anti-freezing locks or something because what if there was an emergency and I absolutely had to drive and my car? Was frozen shut? And he got all lofty and Step Aside Lil Lady, A MAN Is Here To Tell You What’s What, and told me to pour hot water on the locks, like duh.

Well pardon me, but I have spent my driving years living in an area known for banana slugs and damp moss, not witch’s-tit thermometer levels. You need some tips on getting smashed banana slug out of the tread of your hiking boots, I’m your go-to gal, but frozen locks are Nature’s way of telling you to stay at home and wear a fluffy robe, as far as I’m concerned. I don’t care if hot water “works” or not, you don’t go fucking with Nature.

JB just called me to let me know that he found a fabric softener sheet in his shirt after he got to work this morning. “I had felt something itchy for a couple hours,” he explained. Heh. The man might be MacGyver, but clearly he’s no match for a Downy Vanilla & Lavender fabric sheet.

Speaking of MacGyver, JB put up some holiday lights on our house yesterday and they look quite nice. I need to haul the tripod outside at night to get a picture, but they’re basically a line of white lights trimming our roof. I like the simple look, although I maintain that this house is the best thing I’ve ever seen, ever (every time I watch that video, I get choked up towards the end from the sheer awesomeness of all those lights and the music and the effort that went into creating the whole display, I’m not even lying) (also, I am a massive dork). Our neighbors have one of those inflatable plastic globes with shit swirling around inside, you know what I mean? They’re full of “snow” and polar bears and whatever? God, I hate those things. If I were just a little bit more of an awful person I would sneak over at night and shoot it with a BB gun, but then I’d get a lump of coal in my stocking.

Doesn’t “lump of coal in my stocking” sound like some kind of filthy – nevermind.

Well, that little train of thought, which I mercifully cut short to spare you all, has led me to Britney Spears. People! Have you seen Britney’s woefully exposed girl parts, caught on film by multiple paparazzi? I mean, not that I’ve…looked at…Britney’s, um…FINE, I have looked at pictures of Britney’s hoochie. It was right there on Perez Hilton, where all the classy celebrity news can be found.

Why forgo the underwear, is what I want to know. I mean, seriously. If you’re going to wear a dress with a hem that ends around the bottom of your ass cheeks, and you’re going to get in and out of cars with approximately ten thousand photographers documenting your every move, then come on. Break out the granny panties. Otherwise your personal Bubble Yum is going to get published all over the internet and comments like this will get posted:

“yo that clam chowder shot you gave the world was crazy it looked like k-fed beat that like it was his trailerpark step son”

Which is officially the only funny comment I’ve seen on Perez Hilton, but if we are only going to get one, at least it’s a blue-ribbon winner.

Enough about Britney’s inexplicable plummet from the comeback-kid pedestal that was so readily offered to her. Back to the weather! (All Vaginas and Weather, All the Time, that’s MY blog motto.)

It’s icy and cold around my house but there’s not much snow on the ground, unlike my mother and aunt’s house in Port Angeles. Check out their neck of the woods:

snowpa.jpg

If my car is going to be Frozen! Shut! there should at least be some pretty wintertime scenery around here, by god. But no, just clumps of slick patches here and there, and a lot of birds who are pissed off because JB made me take the birdfeeder down (stupid rats). The chickadees and junkoes are lining the fence and cocking their little heads at the living room windows, probably planning a mass pecking attack.

By the way, JB’s mom got a video for Riley of various birds flying around, it’s called “Beepers, Tweeters, and Peckers”. Heh. Peckers.

All right, I’m clearly just rambling now, so let’s wrap this up with a picture of a toddler throwing himself on the bed like a total freak:

112906_boy.jpg

This boy is going to be Trouble, I just know it. I’m going to find him perched on the roof someday, wearing a cape.

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Lawyerish
15 years ago

I totally saw the Britney photo, and of course, I totally peeked. And. Uh. Whoa. I mean…just….well… There are no words, Britney. I had such high hopes, is all.

Melanie
15 years ago

The round little cheeks! The round little head! The BELLYBUTTON! It is too much.

SJ
SJ
15 years ago

Ahahhahhaha! Laundry sheets in the shirts. My husband tells me the same thing, at least 2 times a week. It has to be the Downy Vanilla & Lavender fabric sheets – because I use them too. Funny how I never find them in MY clothes. Hmmmm.

And Brittney. What’s going on with her hanging with Paris Hilton and showing her crotch like Ms. Lohan. I had high hopes that she was back on track when she ditched the loser, but man, Paris Hilton? Showing your crotch to the world? I’m stunned. What are her kids going to say. Poor babies.

We got snow here last night and it’s still snowing. I love your photos – you have such talent. I’m envious. And your son – totally cutie. He looks like a real character!

Caitlin
Caitlin
15 years ago

Oh, I finally had to stop with the Perezzle…the cult of personality was getting out of hand. But yeah, caught the cooter on another site and am both appalled and intrigued by the post-KFed crash and burn of the Spears! I really think there are publicists out there telling these women NOT to wear drawers, because otherwise? WTF??

Dawn
15 years ago

That belly button is just the cutest thing ever.

(Also, you won’t find him on your roof with a cape. You’ll find him on the neighbor’s roof, because their house is taller.)

Jessie
15 years ago

Just don’t ever let him see Jackass. It may postpone the crazy jumping off things actions for a couple of years at least.

angela
angela
15 years ago

i live in southern california (orange county to be more precise), and last winter i hopped in my car and drove half a block to the donut shop for my daily croissant and coffee on the way to work, and when i got back to my car, i realized my windshield had ICE ON IT. wtf? this is southern california! i stood there with my croissant in my mouth and coffee cup in hand, using the wrapper to scrape ice off. it was completely unacceptable, considering that we pay like 54854 times the national average on rent and mortgages in exchange for lovely weather, 24/7/365. not for ICE on the WINDOWS.

Leah
15 years ago

I’m from Northern Michigan and now live in Chicago. Just in case JB is being a know-it-all (not that I understand because my husband can be or anything), you might want to let him know that hot water is okay in a pinch, but it’s really better to get one of those Lock-Thaw doo-dads they have at various stores (Walmart, anywhere with a camping department usually) that has alcohol or something in it. Pouring hot water on the locks can make them freeze worse the next day.

Again, just in case you need some ammunition. :)

Ashley
15 years ago

Oh poor Bittney and her hootchie. If American teens decide these hoohaw ‘slips’ are cool I might just find a nice deserted island for my boys to grow up on.

Rats. My husband made me take the feeder down too. Ratty McRatterson moved in to eat and made our home his as well. I love the birds, but not that much so I obliged.

Meloogal
15 years ago

I’m a longtime reader (and by longtime I mean…cough…four years..cough), and I’ve always meant to comment but I’d never think of something clever enough to post until maybe 3 1/2 days later, but I HAD to say something about that VIDEO. Can we say TEARS. of JOY? I was so amazed and thrilled at each additional phase of sheer CHRISTMAS-OSITY that I nearly BARFED TINSEL. Oh my GOD.

Niki P
Niki P
15 years ago

MacGyver needs to take his big hunting knife to the neighbors and slit the hell out of that white trash snow globe. NOW. Take some red paint with him too. Is that the holiday SPIRIT??? I think not. I am NOT caring one bit.

justmouse
justmouse
15 years ago

ok, cuz i’m totally lame and am actually supposed to be working (frantically trying to get report out by 3 pm!!)…i’ll read the rest of the entry later. one thing though…when my boy was in daycare, they used to DUCT TAPE his shoes to his feet!!!! i’d go to pick him up and there he’d be…shoes TAPED on! they were really worried the first time that i’d be mad…but actually, i was just jealous that i hadn’t thought of it first. he would leave his shoes everywhere. he’s still pretty bad for not wearing shoes/socks…but he’s taller than me now…and he knows how duct tape works…so i just let him be barefoot most of the time. seriously though…try tape. only, maybe don’t use that shiny grey/silver stuff. cuz it looks bad. get some cool colored tape, at least then you could have him match.

Pete
Pete
15 years ago

” it looked like k-fed beat that like it was his trailerpark step son”
That’s the best quote I have heard all day. Thanks!

I grew up in Wisconsin so another trick is to heat up the key (lighter, match) to melt the ice in the lock. Hot water will make it worse later. Since it doesnt’ stay frozen there all the time it shouldn’t be a problem.

omu
omu
15 years ago

I’m from Minnesota, and if you don’t want to do the water thing and don’t have a lock de-icer handy, you can also bring a hair dryer out to thaw the lock.

Chataine
Chataine
15 years ago

Oh my word. I have totally had the same thought about getting rid of neighbors’ lawn ornaments, only for me it was at Easter. A house down the street from us always puts a dozen or so inflatable pastel bunnies out on their lawn on Easter weekend, and I have been sorely tempted multiple times to go down in the middle of the night and give those bunnies what-for with a safety pin. (An UNHINGED safety pin, of course.) My parents always talk me out of it, with their “But think of the CHILDREN” logic, but it helps to know that someone else has entertained a similar fantasy.

fifi
fifi
15 years ago

“Inflatable plastic globes with shit swirling around inside” *snurk*. If only most Xmas gewgaws were so tasteful…

Audrey
Audrey
15 years ago

My husband and I use those snowglobes as a threat. Someone near us put one on their roof last year — and yes, I wished that I had something to shoot at it! I was disappointed, too, by the lack of snow/amount of ice ratio. More snow later today, the all-knowing weather men are saying. I say it’s way too cold for our part of the state!!

Sara
15 years ago

All I have to say, is thank you. You are such a card! Awesome stuff.

laura
15 years ago

My inlaws found my husband on the roof with an umbrella (when he was little, not like last week or anything) (although something like that would inspire to start writing again). Now at 44, he still wants to give it a try.

ferd
ferd
15 years ago

That house does exactly the same thing to me, every time.

Mary O
Mary O
15 years ago

Oh my god! I am still dying from the “clam chowder” quote!!!!!!!

gnometree
15 years ago

Well it’s still over 100F here in the land of Oz. But I went into K-mart the other day and they had one of those big plastic snow ball thingies for sale. WTF???? this is AUSTRALIA people. It does not EVER snow here at xmas time. Would the americans have barbecues and kangaroos and ice cold beer as xmas decorations???
sorry – ranting – must be the heat
Naomi in Oz

Melissa
Melissa
15 years ago

Laughing my ass off here!! I used to live in an apartment on the beach on the Jersey Shore. Great in the summer but in the winter…holy crap…a huge storm came in and the entire door was frozen shut one night. Lock and everything. I had to have a friend come and help me get the damn thing open. Snow is pretty but ice sucks. GREAT post…thanks for the chuckle. Riley’s belly is just screaming for someone to blow raspberries on it! :)

MRW
MRW
15 years ago

OK I used to hate those blow up lawn ornament things too until we moved near a house that put up an inflatable polar bear and penguin – my son LOVED them. For weeks he’d ride in the wagon while we walked past their yard until they finally put them away – then he asked about them for weeks. The next year even though he’d wasn’t even two the first year, he remembered them and started asking about them after Thanksgiving. He still asks about them even though we moved away a year ago. They made my son so happy I can’t hate them anymore. In fact now I kind of like them, and not ironically. Damn that parenting thing.

kara marie
15 years ago

My car’s doors are frozen shut at least one or five times a week, usually when I’m exhausted after a long day at work. Frequently the passenger side opens with some strategic hip bumping, though, and then I get to crawl over to the driver’s side. Especially enjoyable on evenings when I have to run errands. And make several stops.

honeybecke
honeybecke
15 years ago

I love me some Peeeperez. I peeked at Britney’s bitbit too- but only once. Once was enough.
I don’t get it. She is totally blowing it right now. I hope she knocks it the hell off, cause I’m starting to feel sorry for her kids. When she is out partying all night and her kids wake up crying who is there, a nanny? She’s been out like, every night for a week! Sad, dontcha think? She’s got a custody battle coming up and she’s not making a very good case for herself- even if she is going up against loser FedEx. Gah, stupid shit. Why do we even care?

Pete said what I was gonnna say, use a lighter or a match on your key. Works everytime. Then you don’t have to worry about that weird spray shit in your locks. I kinda love it when other parts of the country have to deal with the weather I deal with for 7 1/2 months of the year. Neeeeeener.
Neeeeeeeeener. Wah. Hahahah :) LOve Ya THouGH!

Beth
15 years ago

So I had to look, obviously, and am fairly sure I saw her c-section scar. Pitiful.

girl in greenwood
15 years ago

1. I love the spray de-icer for my locks and my windows.
2. I am sorely tempted to go put my neighbors’ lighted reindeer in compromising positions.
3. This whole Seattle winter wonderland shit would be way more fun if it were actually snow and not those goddamn litttle ice pellets.

Melanie
15 years ago

Yeah, I think I’ve seen 5 pictures of Britney’s vag in the past week. Not pretty. What is up with celebrities without underwear?? But stop the Perez Hilton, girlie, he sucks – try pink is the new blog, it’s so much better. ;) Despite the frozen locks and slick patches, I’m jealous of your cold and snow, it’s still in the 60s here and holding steady.

Jennifer
Jennifer
15 years ago

Hey, if you want some really cold stuff, c’mon up north, a mere hour north of you is the lovely hamlet of Bellingham, where last night’s low was 7 degrees! Yes, OH-SEVEN! We have about 12″ of snow still on the ground. I think the city owns no snowplows so all the roads are a thrill ride of ice and invisible ditches (due to snowdrifts camoflaging them from view).

I love it though… other than dealing with getting anywhere (fortunately the buses are running), it is pretty thrilling to see some drastic weather. And it is a good thing you got back from Oregon when you did, the I-5 stories of Sunday night travel were pretty awful all around the state!

Never fear, the rain will be back all too soon and we’ll be back to “normalcy” (ha!)

Chloe
15 years ago

Thank god Leah told you about the not using hot water to unfreeze your lock thing– my father has instilled in me the knowledge that WATER = BAD for the lock. He always tells me to use WD-40 in the lock, and then let him know I did so he can make it happy and unfreeze-y again for the rest of the winter using father voodoo magic that I do not understand. The point is, you can totally flaunt that in JB’s face, with all the “use hot water!” and “French Dip sandwiches don’t necessarily have beef”. Heh. Wrong again. Or, you know, maybe you are nicer than me, whatever.

Britney Spears’s vagina has scarred me for life. Girl, you just had a baby, have a leetle dignity, please?

Oh, and the store where I work has one of those GIANT inflatable snow-globes running 24-7 (yes, even when the store is closed). Feel my pain. Those things are tacky-tastic. And right below the giant inflatable snow-globe is 2 dancing and singing reindeer and a dancing and singing Santa. They are motion activated and have high pitched voices.
Retail blows. On the plus side, I think an employee probably “accidentally” pulled out the batteries on the singers, because I haven’t had to endure the creeping insanity from them in a few days.

Kathryn
Kathryn
15 years ago

heh. beepers and tweeters, too. :)

Jem
Jem
15 years ago

Ooh, so much to say!

1. The time I woke up with a bladder infection and Nate was really sick and couldn’t get up and it was SO COLD and I had to drive to get him painkillers AND the window was frozen over and I didn’t realise that the way to rid it of ice was to pour water over it so I scrubbed it for HALF AN HOUR with a BLADDER INFECTION, well that was a bad day. Not to mention the bladder infection lasted for 3 weeks. *sob*

2. Perez is a nice guy and all (when hes not writing shit) but there is much funnier than Perez! My friend Todd writes for idontlikeyouinthatway.com which is seriously one of the funniest 3 gossip websites I’ve ever found – the other 2 being wwtdd.com which deserves so much credit, and dlisted.com because MK is the funniest guy in the world.

Jem
Jem
15 years ago

Also, while I’m venting, I just want to say that I actually started scratching at the iced window with my fingernails because I was so desperate. With a bladder infection. I also want to say I’m sorry I hijacked your website, I’m still very upset about it all.

thejunebug
15 years ago

Linda, you are a nut. What a funny entry!

Riley is, as ever, adorable. And I am totally visiting your mom for some Christmas snow. Damn Georgia and it’s 70 degrees!

thejunebug
15 years ago

Ouch. And damn me and my bad apostophes. ;)

Kaire
Kaire
15 years ago

Last year someone slashed our blow ups. This year we laid down trip wires …. heh heh heh.

JennB
JennB
15 years ago

Send that cold wintery weather to me, damnit! I am TIRED!!! of this mild crapola! I live here for a reason, and it ain’t the plethora of high-paying jobs keeping me here.

Ashley B
Ashley B
15 years ago

You should contact Oshkosh and see if they’ll pay you for that shot! They might! You never know!

Lumps of coal- dirty in so many ways.

That house is AWESOME! I’m posting that on my forum. :highfive:

Gentry
15 years ago

Dude I’ve been wondering about the celebrities not wearing underwear thing too. I think those unflattering photos are eventually going to be good for business. Also, now we know Britney’s vag isn’t aging well, the rest of her is going to go any minute now.

jonniker
15 years ago

I’m just. so. upset. at the whole Britney thing. COME ON, DUDE. Ugh ugh ugh.

Whatever. The sighting of Riley’s little ToddlerPot was totally worth the agony of BritFret. Gah, that belly over those jeans! The fat belly!

justmouse
justmouse
15 years ago

ok, finally got around to reading the rest of the entry.

first: i HATE those inflatable pieces of holiday shit. they house across the street from my brother had one at halloween. it had BATS swirling around in it!! my son and i got out of the car and just stared…in horror…and he finally looked at me and said, “dear God, what is that THING?” what the hell is wrong with a string of lights and a WREATH?!?

second: exposed celebrity bits. i have seen so many pics lately of short skirts with their hoo-hoos exposed, or their titties hanging out. um…i’m 33 and i have NEVER exposed any of my PARTS in public. so, how is it they manage to do it 3 times a fucking week?!?

third: i have had my doors frozen shut many times, but never had my locks freeze. weird. also for those people who have never had to experience the joy of scraping the windshield (where i live we actually schedule it into our morning routines in the winter) next time try using a credit card. unless it’s really back ice, then you might break your card. and really….this may sound stupid, but don’t you people have scrapers in your cars? seriously. i don’t think i’ve ever even been in a car that didn’t have a scraper.

H
H
15 years ago

I’ve lived in Minnesota my entire life, and the hair dryer is the best MacGyver-option for the locks. I hate to burst JB’s bubble, but I wouldn’t recommend water at all. Once you’re unlocked, you may want to purchase a lock de-icer if you think you’ll use it again. I have to blow dry my doorbell and outdoor garage door opener keypad at least once each winter, and it works like a charm.

fellowmom
fellowmom
15 years ago

Oh, the reckless toddler photo! One of my sons is like that. Maybe he and Riley will end up B.A.S.E. jumping buddies when they are 18.

I grew up in the frosty midwest. My present locale is much warmer, but not immune from the occassional cold snap. I’m with you: we shouldn’t have to leave our homes when it’s below freezing. (Yes, I am now a weather pussy. Rock on, you hardier types. Just reading Debaucherous and Disheveled makes me shiver.)

Allie
Allie
15 years ago

I was all set to NOT look at Brit’s bits but now after all these comments, I have too. If I’m scared for life I’ll know who to blame! :)

Nikki
15 years ago

ahhh the joys of winter and getting to freeze ones nipple’s off. Isn’t life grand?

Thanks to reading this, I now have to do a search for dirty Brittney pictures. I never thought I’d say that.

christine
christine
15 years ago
Amity
Amity
15 years ago

Don’t be so sad about the birdfeeder. You could be dealing with having those rats INSIDE.YOUR.HOUSE. like I have been this week. :( They did, also, eat birdseed at my house–after gnawing a hole through the bag of it that was in my den (for when I need to take it outside and fill my birdfeeder). [feel my pain :)]

Becky
Becky
15 years ago

My mom totally had that video at her house for my kids to watch when they visited. There was much laughing at the title among the non-grandparently adults in the family.

What the hell is up with grandmothers buying movies about peckers anyway?

Shawna
15 years ago

Heh. “… cocking their little heads …”