June 11, 2007

(Today’s subject is difficult to talk about, and I’m finding it harder than usual to make peace with the calculated risk of making this public. Consider this your impending-trainwreck warning.)

In December of 2004 I was arrested for drunk driving. This is what happened:

I was handcuffed and put in the back of a police car and taken to the drunk tank in downtown Seattle, which was filled with transients. I was filled with despair and anger and booze, and at one point I simply started screaming, over and over and over. They carried me, thrashing, into a tiny cell reeking of urine. I was held there until JB came and picked me up.

We met with a lawyer. I sat trembling and viciously hungover in his office. He was impeccably groomed and had beautiful photos of his family on the wall behind him.

I lost my license. I told everyone I was choosing to take the bus; it was not a choice. I rode four buses a day to get to and from work, JB had to take me to doctor’s appointments (at this point I was now pregnant). I made excuse after excuse to turn down invitations from friends, unless they offered to drive.

I went to many, many court appointments. I sat for hours in courtrooms waiting for my name to be called, in order to walk to the front of the room and attempt to control the shake in my voice.

Eventually I got a restricted license, which allowed me to drive to and from work. I couldn’t drive in the evenings or weekends, nor could I drive outside of my route to the office and back. In order to drive, I had to get an SR-22, which caused my insurance company to drop me. We had to buy new, expensive insurance.

I pled guilty. It was a damaging choice, but my alternatives were bleak.

I had an interlock device installed in my car at great expense. Before I could start the car, I had to blow in a tube. I had to blow in the tube five minutes after the car was started, and at random intervals after that. There was no way to do this with any privacy. If the device registered an error—if I didn’t blow with the correct amount of force or using the correct method of blowing (it was necessary to make a humming sound)—the car’s horn would be triggered. The device malfunctioned more than once, rendering my car unusable.

The court required me to attend a victim’s panel, where people spoke about the horrific repercussions drunk drivers had caused in their lives. I was also required to attend alcohol classes, and to get an evaluation from a bored, overpaid counselor.

I spent a night in jail, when I was about seven months pregnant (clarification: I was not pregnant at the time of the DUI, it takes a while to go from arrest to sentencing). I wore a prison uniform and was confined to a cell by myself. The cell was pale mint green with a stainless steel toilet and a bed that consisted of an itchy gray blanket and a flat pad. They never turned off the buzzing overhead fluorescent lights, all night long.

The judge made a decision that surprised my lawyer: he offered me a reduced sentence if I completed volunteer work for a nonprofit in a specific amount of time. When Riley was a newborn, I spent hours working remotely for a local cultural resources nonprofit to meet this requirement.

The whole thing cost thousands of dollars.

Today my record is clear, my insurance is back to normal, and I am sober. I could almost choose to believe none of it happened. Except, of course, it did.

Why did I tell you all this? One reason is that when a secret lives within you like a poisonous iceberg, its mass mostly hidden even from your own eyes—too painful to look at, too embarrassing to tell—it creates weight within your soul. I wanted to tell you this secret, to pull it from the frozen place in my memory, shine a light on its surface, and admit its truth.

The other reason is to tell you that I don’t want this to happen to you. The spectrum of Bad Things That Can Happen is far and wide, if you get behind the wheel after drinking. Being arrested is one of the better outcomes you can hope for, and take it from me, being arrested really fucking sucks. While in my case I had a massive problem at the time, all it takes is one night of perfectly non-pathological drinking to screw up your entire year, or maybe your entire life.

Put a cab company’s number in your cell, and use it. I wish like hell I would have.

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Claire
16 years ago

One of the smartest people I know and former roommate was arrested for a DUI… twice. He’s so smart and knows better and is barely what anyone would consider an alcoholic. But he made some unwise decisions. He’s living in Japan now and although his record is clear, the entire thing still eats at him much the same way you described. Whenever my friends and U drink now, we usually end up saying something to the effect of, “Let’s not end up like Steve; who’s driving tonight?” Luckily, we can all learn from mistakes. Great entry.

anonymous regular reader
anonymous regular reader
16 years ago

I love you for your honesty and courage. I know that it was a painful ordeal for you and JB and probably will remain etched in your minds, albeit more lightly as time passes, for the rest of your lives.

I have walked in JB’s shoes and it was the most unpleasant experience of my life. When I was 8 months pregnant, I received a call one Friday night at 2 a.m. to come down to the state police barracks to pick up my husband who had been arrested for a DUI. He had been out with his coworkers celebrating his final day at his job. In true frat boy fashion, he didn’t know when to stop and continued to accept drinks left and right, despite the hour-long drive home that lay ahead.

I had never been more disappointed in a person or situation in my entire life. As I drove to the station, all I could think was that it had better be a mistake. Bleary eyed, talking to the sergeant, I realized that our high flying world was about to come crashing down. The experience exposed the fragileness of our life together. What if he had been in an accident? What if someone else had been hurt? What if he had died? What if our daughter-to-be would never know her father because of his mistake? And how the hell could he make such a stupid mistake one month away from becoming a father? Then, the heartache of all the court appearances, and the huge financial hit we took in court fees, insurance etc. blew through our pre-baby savings. At my lowest point I lied to my parents so we could borrow money to cover his lawyer–I told them it was to pay for husband’s school tuition. It would have broken my heart to tell them the awful truth.

The month that followed was awful. Husband had just started a new job and almost lost it because of all the court appearances (aka doctor’s appointments). Each day I drove an extra 30 mins each way on top of my already hour-long commute so that he could get to and from work. My pregnant body was pushed to it’s limit. The night I went into labor, my husband broke the law and drove on a suspended license to get me to the hospital. If he had been caught, he would have gone to jail. He knew the risk he was taking.

We haven’t told anyone about this ordeal. It feels good to get it off my chest here, because I know that if we were to tell any of our friends and family we would be judged endlessly. I admire you for putting your ordeal out there in public. Fearless Linda, I wish I had your courage!

Kelsey
16 years ago

It does take a strong person to share a story like that. It’s not as if you are putting something you are proud of out there for all to see. I admire your courage and the fact that you’ve been able to make changes in your life.

Thank you for sharing your story.

samantha jo campen
16 years ago

Wow.

I don’t pretend tho think that my comment will stand out among over 100 others, but this post was remarkable.

My dad was killed by a drunk State Trooper when I was three. And that State Trooper didn’t get NEARLY as harsh of a sentance that you did.

He got a fine.

A fucking fine. And I doubt he learned anything from it.

But you did. And while this is a strong issue for me, I will tell you that I’m proud of you for talking about it. For pulling your head out from the sand and making sure no one goes through what you did. Or worse. I’m also proud of JB for helping you get through everything and standing by you. And I’m proud of you both for being such wonderful parents to Riley and creating a nuturing family unit.

Bless you.

Karen
16 years ago

I can only really parrot what others have said before me – chances are they said it more poetically too. It was very brave of you to share this with all of us. Thank you for that. I now have a cab company in my phone.

Danell
Danell
16 years ago

I went thru the same thing one month after getting married. It was a terrifying, expensive, and annoying ordeal. My story was very, very similar to yours; when I was screaming in jail, it was a shrill chant of “I’m not supposed to be here! I’m not supposed to be here!” I can remember sitting in the alcohol classes looking around at the people in there just sick to my stomach that I was in any way in the same category as them.

It was most definitely a harsh enough experience to never want to consider doing it again. I could not fathom those people in class with me that were there for the fourth or fifth go ’round.

It has been long enough ago for me that I hadn’t thought about it for a while. I can’t imagine the added stress of pregnancy during the process.

Lesley
Lesley
16 years ago

Mary may not want to hug you but I do, and I grew up with a hard core alcoholic who drove drunk constantly. Had a flask and bottles under the drivers seat. In those days there were no Breathalyzers, no road checks, no laws. We thought it was normal.

Mom hit rock bottom so many times we lost count. After twenty years she found a bottom she couldn’t live with and kicked the habit.

Eventually, my mother died of oral cancer caused by a lethal long term combination of cigarettes and alcohol. I hugged her many many times through this terrible ordeal and forgave everything but those legally available addictive substances.

I’ve lived with an alcoholic, loved an alcoholic, forgiven and witnessed immense courage in an ex-alcoholic. So hugs to you Linda. You are to be commended for this post.

biodtl
16 years ago

I think you are incredibly brave to share your experiences. It’s wonderful that you are able to admit your mistakes and try to help other people. I am always getting on people I know about drinking and driving, but it’s not the same as it is coming from someone who has been through it.

Erin
16 years ago

Sundry: thank you.

Isn’t there some overdone saying about “it’s not what happens in your life that’s important… blah blah… it’s what you DO with what happens…”?

We all make mistakes, big and small, and of course some more than others. But allowing and encouraging others to learn from your own mistakes, that takes courage. Much more courage than, say, the alternative, which would be to hide that experience away in a dark place and hope nobody uncovers it.

Again, thanks.

Jamie
16 years ago

A timely and stunning story. Alcoholism runs in my family, and I have seen too many people I love struggle with that awful monster, whose grasp is so difficult to from which to escape.

I put up a short link to this entry, if you’re alright with that, on my blog for my “Tuesday Thanks” feature. I’m working on being more grateful, and your entry split me in two, so to speak. I’m so affected by it, and in the best way a person can be.

cynthea
cynthea
16 years ago

Hi,

I’ve been thinking about your entry and finally decided to comment. I wanted you to know that I knew you once had a problem, and that you and JB decided to not drink anymore, and I read that one entry you took down about the whole thing. I never thought it was a dramatic change, I never thought you had gone through something so traumatic (and, I know! Thank god it was only an arrest.)

I guess I just wanted you to know that I appreciate you sharing the truth about yourself. I think it’s important stuff.

Cynthea

Anonymous
Anonymous
16 years ago

You spent a night in jail? Sundry, I never knew you were such a badass.
But seriously, I do know people who drink and drive, thanks for sharing this.

Katie
Katie
16 years ago

You rock.

jen
jen
16 years ago

your brave for sharing. it takes a big person to learn from their mistakes, costly ones are the ones we learn from most. i’m happy no one was hurt physically. mentally i’m sure the whole situation put you through the ringer. congrats again on your sobriety.

Anna
16 years ago

Anything I would have wanted to say has already been said…and probably better than I could have worded it.

All I can say is thank you for your bravery.

April
April
16 years ago

That had to have been ridiculously difficult to write, and I admire you for it.

Eclecta
16 years ago

Linda,

Like many of your “daily faithful” readers, I am so impressed by your candour and courage in sharing this story with such realism. It sounds as though you’ve already had an incredibly positive impact. You go, girl!!!

Obviously there are a couple of isolated individuals who are struggling with sub-par reading comprehension and a profound lack of emotional maturity – and I feel deeply sorry for them.

Yams
Yams
16 years ago

What a powerful post. Thank you for having the courage to share, Sundry.

miranda
16 years ago

We’ve never met but I’m inspired by your honesty. Thanks for being so brave.

sarah
sarah
16 years ago

Thank you for sharing your story.

Eliot
Eliot
16 years ago

All I can really say is thank you for sharing this and good luck to you as you continue your efforts to stay sober.

nstig8r
16 years ago

Thank you for being honest. We all falter sometimes. I remember when you posted about quitting drinking but you didn’t let on at all that you were going through all this and I can’t believe you’ve held onto it for so long. I’m glad you have decided to let it go.

TB
TB
16 years ago

Wow. The thing that impresses me the most is that you went through it. Sometimes taking responsibility for what we’ve done is the easy part. Facing the consequences, man that’s another story altogether.
Thanks for sharing.

Jen - Lance's Wife
Jen - Lance's Wife
16 years ago

Two weeks before my wedding one of my best friends and his date were killed by a drunk driver. He tested at .3! The ironic part is my friend was a total non drinker. The drunk driver received a sentence of one year for killing two people. To help cover my pain I started drinking – I didn’t stop until a year later when I decided for the first time to drive home drunk (I had always had a ride or place to stay before.) The next morning I realize that I could have killed someone and totally stopped drinking. Thank you showing me what it could have been like.

I currently work at a DMV in Minnesota and we had a kid (no older than 20) come in to get his tabs. He was bragging to his friend that he received his third DUI. I was shocked he was so blase about it! I wanted to smack him.

In Minnesota if you receive a DUI, you get a W plate (whiskey plate). I don’t know if they do something similar in Washington, but everyone knows when they see those plates someone has been busted for a DUI.

Thank you for writing a wonderfully powerful piece! Internet hugs to you!

mrsgryphon
mrsgryphon
16 years ago

Powerfully written, and a message that more people should take to heart. Thank you. I’m glad you came out the other side.

Cara
Cara
16 years ago

You are brave to admit this. You are damned lucky you only got arrested. At least you learned from this mistake, as many more should. I commend you for your honesty and strength. I had a drug problem for many years but thankfully got some sense about the time I got pregnant with my daughter. I have been clean for 18 years and am very thankful that I could enjoy my children without a haze around everything. It is very hard still, I do with I could just let go, but I can’t. I don’t have the personality that allows me to do/have just one.
Be thankful that JB stayed around. He obviously loves you very much b/c I am nearly 100% positive your whole demeanor has changed a couple of times and he has had to get used to a whole new person. Realize how lucky you are as you enjoy the relief this release is bound to bring you.

Anja
Anja
16 years ago

You make sure to tell your boy this story someday. He’ll thank you, and he’ll learn from it more than any random blog reader could.

Donna
Donna
16 years ago

I, like most of us here, have driven drunk, been with friends who were driving drunk, have had at least one wreck, (I’ve had 4, only one was caused by a guy on a cell phone, the rest were all drunk), and have lost friends to either their driving drunk, or someone else crashing them while they were drunk.
As you can see, drinking is a problem in NM the likes of which you couldn’t believe. I’ve been very very lucky.
I never have more than one drink, and have printed out business cards that I give all my friends so that they can call me and I will come get them, any time, day or night, no questions asked. And still periodically, someone I know gets popped for it.

I am so proud of you, not because you posted this here, but that you quit, stayed quit, and took responsibility for your actions. The REAL important thing that you’ve done is stopped. I am so proud to cyber know you.

Michelle
Michelle
16 years ago

As so many others have already stated, you are so courageous to share this. And as someone whose life has been touched by drunk driving (a family member guilty of it and friends lost to it) I really appreciate you sharing your story. If it makes even one person refrain from driving drunk it has made a difference.

So impressed by your bravery, your honesty, and your sobriety. You rock.

Nikki
16 years ago

Linda, I think that it took a tremendous amount of courage to put this all out there and to take responsibility for it all. None of us like to admit something that was a black mark in our past or casts us in an ugly light but to heal, to move forward, to atone, we need to.
I’ve made more than my fair share of mistakes in my life and I wish I had your courage.
I also think you carry a good message here. Like Lesley, I lived in a family with alcoholics and drunk driving was a daily occurence in our household. My stepfather died while driving drunk, having gotten in a high speed chase with deputies in an effort to avoid yet another DUI. My mother nearly died while driving drunk, wrapping her truck around a pole and breaking her neck in the process. Thank you for sharing your story. Kudos to JB, too, for standing by you and helping you see the light on the other side.

Ashley
16 years ago

This is your year girl…you are getting stronger on so many levels. Physical and mental demons be damned.

I am a better person for knowing you.

Pam
Pam
16 years ago

Good christ. What a load to have carried around. I’ve also got a profound secret I keep inside, and let it – or parts of it – out once in a while when I’m feeling extraordinarily brave. But to share something so awful with folks you don’t know and whose reactions you can’t predict – wow – I’m reeling at your bravery.

Does your soul feel lighter? I hope so. (And I just put a cab number in my cell – something I never thought to do before.)

Thanks for writing, Linda.

Jessica
Jessica
16 years ago

Every time you post about this stuff it helps me. I’ve been sober for a little over a year now. Before that, I drove drunk often, something I try not to think about too much. Thanks for the reminder that booze is nothing to be nostalgic about.

Seattle Suz
16 years ago

And again, great thanks for such a poignantly eloquent entry. As per your question posed earlier, I was lousy with blogs when I first discovered them years ago. (Uncle Bob via Detective Girl via et al) But yours is one of only two I read regularly now. Your content and style are undeniable. Warm regards.

sooboo
sooboo
16 years ago

Man, what a nightmare. Thank you for sharing this. Although I’m sure it was hard to write, your story also has an amazing power to help. Also, that was just good writing.

Krystina
Krystina
16 years ago

Thank you for sharing this w/ us. You are a strong woman and JB sounds like such a standup guy – wishing you both (and Riley!) all the happines in the world.

Maria
16 years ago

Wow, incredibly powerful story. Thank you so much for sharing!

J
J
16 years ago

I promise I am not bringing this up to be a troll or the like, but if Riley was born in August of 2005 and the arrest was in 2005, then wouldn’t you have been pregnant at the time of the arrest and you just didn’t know it yet? In know Riley was a little early, but still. I don’t ask in any kind of judgment, either, because I am not one to judge. Period. I am only asking because I am being particularly OCD!

I remember the posts that came before your pregnancy announcement and there was some mention of the whole “no longer drinking anymore” thing. I do think it was very brave of you to talk about it and I have always been moved by the entries that have been about your relationship with alcohol. It’s raw and honest and I wish more people felt free to talk about it without fear of being judged or stigmatized.

Sarah
Sarah
16 years ago

Because it can’t be said enough, thank you for sharing.

I don’t want to sound like an asshole offering you parenting advice unsolicited, and I hope I’m not overstepping my bounds by saying what I’m about to say. BUT: my mom was a hard core drug addict right up until she found out she was pregnant with me. From a very early age, she told me stories of all the bad things drugs had done to her. As a result, I’ve never done drugs or even been around people that have done them. It’s had a huge influence on me. So I think that maybe sharing stories like this with Riley and explaining how moderation is so important-though it would be incredibly difficult-may help him a lot in the long run, ya know?

Gentry
16 years ago

Woah. I read your diary all through this period and had no idea. I can assure you that your post hit home with at least one person. I don’t drink and drive (because I don’t have a car) but I do ride with people who have drunk to economize on cab fare. Stupid. I will never do it again. Because of you.

Also, I do not think any less of you (should my opinon matter…it probably shouldn’t. But whatever).

I do think a lot higher of JB.

I’m rooting for you and your new cute family.

laughing mommy
16 years ago

“when a secret lives within you like a poisonous iceberg, its mass mostly hidden even from your own eyes—too painful to look at, too embarrassing to tell—it creates weight within your soul”

Thank you for sharing this. I confessed my secrets this weekend, and my soul feels weightless again. (Thank you for the words to describe it so perfectly.)

It is so brave of you to tell your story. I really believe someone could be helped by reading this.

P.S. You are so talented with words. The world needs a book written by you. Really.

Sherry
Sherry
16 years ago

Delurking to tell you what everyone else has already said: telling us is courageous; forgiving yourself is necessary.

I hope you slept well.

Kim
Kim
16 years ago

I lost a coworker 20 years ago to a drunk driver. She was driving to my wedding. Her daughter is 22 now. She grew up her whole life without her mother.

Thank you for sharing this, thank you, THANK YOU for getting a grip on this so that you can be Riley’s Mommy forever.

I understand how painful digging up ugly secrets can be. I’m glad you were able to do it.

Kaire
16 years ago

I’m not going to read through the 143 comments before mine, so if this is a duplicate, oh well. I’m proud of you for sharing this, but more importantly, I’m glad that you got things straightened out before it was worse. As much as this all sucked, what if you had just taken a cab home? Would there have been more nights of needing a cab? I don’t know why shitty things happen to people (I still after 13 1/2 years question why the fucknut who hit me had to do it) but sometimes the course of our lives is better for it.

I know, it sounds completely crazy for me to say that being hit head on and having my body shattered made my life better. Fact is, it has made me who I am today and I don’t know who I’d have turned out to be without all the things my crash taught me.

megan
megan
16 years ago

Wow. You are really a strong and amazing woman. Thank you so much for sharing something so raw and personal.

Brenda
Brenda
16 years ago

I’m sure it was hard to share–thanks for making another hard choice.
You need to know that because of the number of people that read your blog everyday, you’ve saved lives with just this one post.
You should be proud of what you’ve done since then.

Jeanette
16 years ago

I know that I am only echoing what everyone else is saying, I don’t have time to read all of your comments (wow-tons of comments!). I’m sure that every aspect of your experience sucked but the most important thing is that you learned your lesson. Too many people keep on driving drunk until they kill someone and end up in prison. Good for you and thanks for sharing. It’s not always easy to admit mistakes we make.

tess
tess
16 years ago

Thanks for this today. Really needed to hear it. I think I’ll be one of the people you helped.

Tricia
16 years ago

I have been through the same ordeal, though not quite to that degree. Nevertheless, it was just as horrible and terrifying and I just want to say that you are far braver than I. The oddest things trigger the memories and they are painful, tearful memories to this day. My lawyer told me to keep $50 in my wallet in a secret pocket for a taxi cab ride home next time. I put it in my wallet that night where it resides to this day. I never. ever. get behind the wheel if I have had more than one. and even then, it has to be hours after.

I raise my glass to you.

Anonymous
Anonymous
16 years ago

Very brave of you to post that. It takes alot of courage to admit things like that. And a lot of hard work to get your shit together, I know.

Between the ages of 23 and 25, I did it more than once. More than a couple of times. And every morning after, I’d have to look and make sure that my car had actually made it home again. I once spun my car three complete 360 degree revolutions on a four lane interstate. The state troopers thought I’d just hit some ice and I sure didn’t disabuse them of that notion. I’d been drinking, of course. But not enough so that I didn’t pass the field sobriety test. That was the last time. I usually wound up being the DD, but that was okay with me by that time.

So proud of you.