Oct
23
October 23, 2007
By posting the pictures of our newly operational and yuppified kitchen, I probably gave the impression that the remodel was finished and that the contractors had vacated our house once and for all, but sadly, NO. One thing I’ve learned about a remodel is that whatever you think the scope of the work is, the actual work will be much more extensive because everything you touch impacts something else—so if you create a new entryway into your house, that will screw up the flooring that was in that area, and you’ll have to have some swarthy ponytailed motherfucker camp out in your house for days on end while he tries to figure out how to weave in new hardwoods to match the existing (currently, he’s “not sure” how to match the color. Sweet).
When I got home yesterday—after a particularly irritating exit from Workplace where 1) I stumbled on the ridiculously expensive, impractical cobblestone driveway and actually fell to the ground like a lumbering pregnant buffoon/buffalo (note: no injuries were sustained save for my dignity), and 2) I nearly had to go back inside and weepily ask that whoever’s car was parked right next to mine move, because my GIANT BELLY couldn’t fit through my partially-opened door (with some grunting and wedging, I did finally manage it, but jesus, it was distressingly close)—Mr. Swarthy was still dorking around with the flooring, rendering the entryway into the kitchen inaccessible, and I am only partially ashamed to confess that I nearly cried.
“It’s only for tonight,” JB said, trying to placate me, and I may have gotten little shrieky about how I NEEDED! ACCESS! To! The OVEN! (See, you need an oven to make cookies.) Plus, we had gotten rid of all our temporary food/utensil storage, and so literally everything we needed was in the kitchen, on the other side of Flooring Zone. That was about when Swarthy announced he couldn’t figure out what stain to use, and thankfully departed, leaving a giant cloud of “dustless” dust from the sander in his wake (another Handy Contractor Tip: anyone who says their floor sander is dustless is so full of shit he squeaks going into turns).
So anyway, they still need to fix the floors, install some trim, paint some remaining areas, wrap up some electrical work, and the driveway needs to be finished. But hey, we’re very very close, and as long as the kitchen is up and running (and I can get IN it), I’m cool.
In unrelated news, I have to say that as a Tarantino fan I was greatly disappointed in Death Proof. My coworker, whose opinion on movies I respect and nearly always agree with, says he thinks the film was genius, so I’m obviously missing something because I thought that watching it was like having Tarantino’s sweaty dick on my shoulder, bonking me in an annoying fashion as he furiously whacked off to the bevy of big-titted beauties he cast in the movie. Excepting a few really decent scenes, I just wanted him to get the fuck off me. Stop forcing me to take part in your indulgent masturbatory cinematic spooge, Quentin.
(In comparison, Rodriguez’s contribution at least felt like he was giving me the common goddamn courtesy of a reach-around.)
Well, as long as this entry has taken the regrettable turn that it has, I may as well tell you that I saw a video on the internet recently that was so disturbing it seems to have lodged itself in my brain, and the only way I can purge myself of the evil is by telling you: I saw a man giving a dolphin a blow job. And yes, there was a . . . oh my god . . . a happy ending. For the dolphin, anyway. I mean, not that I can be sure the dolphin was happy to have a human manipulating its, um, anatomy, but there was evidence that a biological function occurred and—ANYWAY. So now at the most random of moments, when my mind is otherwise occupied with vague pleasantries related to the startlingly sunny October weather we’re having in Seattle, or the many cookie recipe choices I have at my disposal, suddenly out of NOWHERE I’ll hear this Flipper sound in my head—eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh—and I’ll see that dolphin. And I’ll wonder just what the hell kind of bad wiring a guy has to have in his hat-rack to wake up in the morning and decide that you know what, TODAY’S the day I finally fellate that there bottlenose. I mean, carpe diem and all that, but jesus. Go whack off on somebody’s shoulder like the normal skeezebags, dude.
Comments
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Oh…oh god, my lunch.
hmm… and then there’s that.
okay then!
How could you tell us a story like that and NOT give us the website address?
okay, first off….that dolphin story has me a little weirded out and kind of makes me wanna grab a stuffed animal and a blanky and find a corner to suck my thumb in.
second…have you seen “30 Days of Night”?
Absolutely no words for this wonderful post. You have done yourself proud once again Sundry.
Oh, the mental imagery you create! I’m about 1/2way through my 1st trimester & thought only thoughts of shellfish could make me nauseous.
Sorry the contractors are still buzzing around, but at least you have a kitchen again! Yay for cookies!
Grindhouse? You couldn’t pay me to see that. My favorite is when the studio execs and the directors et. al. said that they were sure the reason why it performed so poorly at the box office was because the general public didn’t understand that it was TWO MOVIES and that they were going for the nostalgia of the Double Feature. Oh, we understood all right. But getting twice the suckage for the price of one isn’t exactly an incentive.
Sorry, you guys. Sorry sorry sorry. Next post will include puppies and chocolate, I swear.
Stephanie: no, I haven’t, but I’d like to — is it good? I loved the graphic novel.
Ok. Dolphin dick. Manual manipulation by a man. Too much mental visual. TURN IT OFF!
And, do you like dates (the food, not the event), peanut butter and deliciousness? Then have I got the cookie recipe for you!!!! Let me know. It was the winner of our cookie contest at Workplace, it’s called One Nutty Date, it’s “healthy”, and it’s like crack on your cookie rack. Want the recipe? Let me know.
http://www.opaqueprintproduction.com/jbblog
dear god. oh dear god. Now I’m going to have to google dolphin blow job from my work computer and surely instantly regret it.
This world is truely full of some sickos!
Well, here’s the thing…what a genious idea. Very good plot. However, very poorly executed. The vampires were disappointing. I was really happy with the acting for the “humans” of the movie, but that’s where it stopped for me. The noises that the vampires make were…weird and over done…and a couple of them were not scary at all, but down right ANNOYING.
If movies are as expensive out your way as mine….don’t waste it. But definately check it out when it comes out on DVD because it is worth at least that much.
That dolphin video has left me changed. CHANGED.
I’m sitting here weeping with laughter. First the image of Quentin pleasuring himself on or near your shoulder, then the dolphin thing. That is one of the funniest paragraphs I’ve read in a long time.
It goes without saying that it’s sick, obviously. Still. hi-effing-larious.
But also sick. Just so we’re clear that I’m on the same page as you.
I feel ashamed and horrified that I’m even asking this….but I can’t find the dolphin blw job anywhere…despite my many tries on google…where can I find this frighteningly intriuqing video?
I am NOT going to link the video. Come on! SAVE YOURSELVES! Believe me, you really really really really don’t want to see it.
Good lord woman, but you are a visual writer! The imagery I am left with after reading this entry…well, it leaves me speechless.
I was severely disappointed with both halves of “Grindhouse,” but more so with the zombie/gun leg half. I mean, how do you fuck up a zombie movie, for the love of god?! I loved the fake trailer for “DON’T,” though. That was great.
Um, sundry, I have to ask: how did it happen that you ended up discovering the existence of a dolphin-blowing video? I mean, did you google “dolphin blow job” or something on a dare?
In other news, if you wanted to know how to make totally kick-ass monster cupcakes that rock the universe, go here. http://www.flickr.com/photos/gwendygay/604902623/
Yay for Halloween!
Makes you wonder if the dolphin is now searching for a female dolphin to give him a BJ.
I really think I just have to pick up and go home now, because obviously no work can be done after what I’ve just read.
Also, I’m impressed with you for thinking to give us the no-injuries update after writing about your fall. I wrote about a fire in our apartment building yesterday and neglected to say that our apartment was fine, and then got a whole flurry of comments from worried people. Which, while touching, necessitated an otherwise-pointless extra post. I should learn from you.
I’m embarrased to say that I, too, want to see this dolphin flick. Only to see what the man looks like. Because it might be one of my creepy neighbors. Ick.
I might possibly be able to top the dolphin story. My Dad is a vet and I was in the room when his partner casually gave a dog a hand job (in front of the owner) to be able to get sperm to inseminate another dog. WTF? He talked the whole time like this was something he did on a regular basis. Fucking gross . . .
Oh, oh, oh. The start of this post is so NOTHING like the way it ends. I can’t believe how many people are now googling dolphin blow job. And as many times as that’s been said here, I’ll bet you’re going to be top result on Google for that particular phrase for a long time.
Oh ugh – I, too, have had the unfortunate experience of seeing something so gross and disgustingly graphic that I cannot rid my brain of it for years to come. Several times, in fact. Some of those images are still in there and occasionally pop up at those bizarre moments when I really DON’T want to see them, thank you very much. There is nothing you can do now, Linda. The image will never leave your intercranial hard drive! As for your kitchen, well – it’s almost done. Use the whole thing as an excuse to go buy other fantastically sweet and fattening foods – donuts, cookies, cupcakes, bags of Halloween candy. God, girl, the possibilities are endless. It all sounds good to me – I am currently dieting so that I can get to my normal weight and then get pregnant right away – that is the plan, anyway. I look forward to baking (and inhaling) cookies then!
OH. MY. GOD.
I will never think of Flipper in the same way again. Ever. Sea World has officially been crossed off of the “to do” vacation list.
Holy hell! That’s gross, a dolphin BJ!
Off that subject, I’m just picturing when your remodel is totally over and done with you are going to open a closet and there is going to be a ponytailed contractor in there hiding out.
I too hated Death Proof, so much so that I still have not bothered to watch Planet Terror.
It seemed like the end was the best part of Death Proof, the rest of it was all thrown away character women talking about sex/life in a way that was weirdly masculine (and not that all women talk about sex the same way, but it was very much like a man trying to write boring porn about a slumber party). It was almost as though someone completely out of touch with women wrote the dialogue….
I get what grindhouse movies were like, but when two well-respected directors ask me for ten bucks I want more out of it than a tedious replica of things that teenage boys watched on tv in the 70’s.
And please not how I completely glossed over the entire dolphin uhm… situation. BLECH.
funny, I actually like Death Proof ALOT more than Planet Terror…the camp factor was OFF the charts for Planet Terror and I just found it too funny for words…seriously, I couldn’t even concentrate on whether I liked it or not.
I actually liked the dialogue in Death Proof alot….and the music….true there were about a BILLION too many tit shots…..and it was obviously an exercise is self pleasure for Tarentino…but I thought it worked.
Thanks for not including the link for the dolphin felatio….cuz we all know that it would have been impossible to NOT click on it…when it was so readily available.
I just feel for the poor sap who shows up as the top link when you google dolphin blow job.
I think I’m more damaged by the visual of Tarantino’s schlong whacking you upside the head… but I did enjoy the laugh this morning.
Molesting Flipper? What is the world coming to?
I have NEVER seen that video. However, whenever I need a good laugh, I google “Dolphin sex: how to” which is truly the best page on the internet.
Oh sorry…from Dolphin How To
“This is not to be confused with bestiality, where a person forcefully mates an animal, without their consent, and with no mutual feelings whatsoever. This is something that I would never do to a dolphin, since I love them dearly, and treat them with the same respect that an honest husband would have for his wife and children.”
AAHHAHA. Okay, sorry. Its just really good reading material.
You can’t just throw Flipper Fellatio out there and leave us all hanging. Um, wait. Yeah, you’re doing the right thing.
I’m SITTING ON MY HANDS here in an attempt to NOT GO GOOGLING…
WHAT. DOLPHIN BLOW JOB? I feel so…dirty now and I only read about it. The only cure for this now is chocolate and lots of it *shudder* GROSS.
You know, I have learned one thing from a decade on the internets. Once you see something, you cannot unsee it. I’m sitting this one out. Thanks for sharing though, now I have a new party icebreaker question.
Now that I’m done choking on my Starburst. . .
My hubby and I went to see Grindhouse on our anniversary, and we enjoyed it–it was about what I expected, but funnier.
I am very sorry that you are STILL dealing with the remodel. I, too, thought you were done. Hope it’s all finished soon and you have your house back to yourselves–that is, until kid #2 shows up. You need some kind of a break before the blessed event!
I am sorely tempted to seek out the dolphin video, but I won’t google that at work. Sadly, I’m not terribly surprised that such a thing has not only been done, but video-ed and put out on the internet for mass consumption (ha ha). I figure pretty much anything you can think of, no matter how gross or illegal or cruel or whatever, either has been done or is being done right now, somewhere in the world. Just look at Urban Dictionary–they have WORDS for all that stuff.
Holy shit, this is awesome. My soul hath been restoreth.
In a word….ewwwwwwwwww
Hope your remodeling gets finsihed quickly beore you get bored of it and start goggling sperm whale sex. gigggle.
Erm.
Kitchen looks great! I wish my dear husband would light a fire under his Dad’s bum to get us some new plans so we can start, in order that we one day may finish, our kitchen remodel.
Wow, that’s pretty far out there. I mean horses and dogs are pretty common place for people who enjoy felating animals, probably due to their general accesibility. But I’ve never come across any dolphin fuckers before. I have seen some pretty disturbing shit though. I accidentally found out that there are no bears involved in bear porn. (I would love to see somebody badd ass enough to fuck a bear!) Once I saw some chick blow out ther ass hole during some vigorous anal. I saw a bald dude stick his entire head in some skanks vagina before. (btw, ewwwwww!) Skat is fairly shocking when you first run across it. Hell I even saw some crazy Japanese chick stick a funnel in her cooch, fill it with like fifty tiny eels, and then squirt them on some other Japanese chicks face. That one freaked me the fuck out.
Turns out there are a lot of search results for “dolphin blowjob” that have nothing to do with either one. I did find this hilarious jem though. It’s not “Family Matters” clean, but it’s clean enough for YouTube, so don’t worry.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kisZSBrgHFw
Oh yeah, and once I saw a video where this chick who had her foot amputated, nub fucked this other chick like calf deep. That was weird, but kinda hot in a twisted cripple sort of way.
Ewww. Must you describe things so well that I get a visual image of his penis on your shoulder? And, I only skimmed the section where you were writing about the dolphin, because the fact that you actually saw this is tooo disturbing. Ew. Ew. Ew.
You know, usually when I’m reading comments I just skip over Josh’s because I just don’t want to know what’s in his head…sure wish I had followed that plan of action this time.
Yes. I thought was pretty disturbed until I read Josh’s comment! AAAAAAAAAAK. My brain is imploding in disgust!!!!!
The Quentin shlong was a great (well, not GREAT, more like revolting) visual image! Funny funny shit!
Is that animal cruelty? God. I am freaked out about that.
Sorry about your ongoing house crap but I’ll tell you what – you are so much better than I would be about it. I never could take it and I would have cried long ago, probably daily. I hope it’s over soon, that kitchen looks beautiful!
oh my Christ, Josh. Seriously.
so when you fell did you immediately look around to see if anyone had witnessed what you did? because that is the first thing i always do! somehow embarrassment is so much worse than a scraped knee or hand that no one saw.
This entry…transcended something. I don’t know what, or how, but something about it was transcendental.
The movie review, which is like no movie review I have ever read, and immediately made me wish more movie reviews WERE like it. And yet I find I am now so grossed out by Quentin Tarantino, as if he actually HAD DONE THIS.
The thing about the dolphin. Which I refuse to believe. Because dolphins are not Like That. They don’t Do That. And I must…not….Google it….
Oh my God, I fucking found that shit! No fucking way Sundry, that was sicker than anything I have ever seen. I looked for like a half an hour, and my little brother found that shit in one query. We’re a fucked up bunch down here. I would suggest that anyone who doesn’t want permanent mind scarring not search for [EDITED BY SITE AUTHOR FOR THE PURPOSE OF SAVING HUMANITY]. Trust me, that was some gnarly shit, and I should know. Apparently you guys skip my comments cause they make your heads explode with disgust. I don’t blame you.