I saw this call for entries too late to officially participate in their contest giveaway thing, but since they were promoting one of the websites that helps pay my bills AND they’ve got a list of links to some interesting blog posts, I’ll take on the subject anyway. The subject being SWIMSUITS.

A couple weeks ago, JB randomly asked me what swimsuit I was bringing to the cabin for our July 4 vacation, and when I answered (“The black one I always wear, dude”) he . . . well, there’s no other word for it, he winced.

Then I picked up the wooden mallet I keep handy for such occasions and I bludgeoned him to death. The End.

Oh, ha ha, of course I didn’t. I didn’t even file for divorce on the grounds of Being a Total Choad (despite the fact that I think we can all agree that men who wince at the memory of their wife in a swimsuit — even though it was admittedly a sort of frumpy design of the “Miracle Suit” persuasion, meant to give the illusion of being 10 pounds thinner by wrapping the torso in as much Lycra as possible until the midsection is essentially a solid, immovable mass, impervious to both sodium bloat and bullets — deserve to be forced to defend themselves to an all-female jury while wearing nothing but a Euro-style banana hammock. Let’s see who does the wincing then, Mister).

He quickly backtracked and informed me that he just thought since I’d been working out so much I deserved a fancier swimsuit, maybe something with, uh, less total square miles of fabric coverage?

I can think of few activities that I enjoy less than swimsuit shopping but I had to admit he maybe had a point. I bought that bathing suit after Riley was born, when I needed something like a body-wide support garment to rein in all my Akira-esque flesh-rolls. I tried it on to check the fit and it looked weird: still taut in the belly, thanks to all those Miracle panels, but loose in the butt and droopy in the arms. The size tag read 16. The neck dipped too low and revealed the embarrassing used-to-be-a-rose-now-mostly-resembles-a-long-dead-tulip homemade tattoo above my right boob (the one I’ve never had removed because 99.9% of my clothes keep it hidden).

So last weekend I visited a local swimwear store, the kind that has racks and racks of mix-and-match tops and bottoms. And after about two solid hours of trying on pretty much everything they had to offer, I ended up with . . . a two piece. Not even a tankini, but a bikini top and two different bottoms, one with a flouncy miniskirt thing.


aiiieeee.jpg

I have never owned a bikini in my LIFE, I never thought I’d EVER wear a bikini, and I have no good explanation for why I have one now. My belly, while a lot stronger than it was, is still an area that makes me squirm, especially when I’m sitting down and all that post-baby loose skin just sort of folds over like a crushed origami swan. Like a Sharpei sitting in my lap. Like a semi-deflated personal-sized Goodyear blimp. Like a — okay, you get it.

I guess I ended up thinking that while my body certainly isn’t supermodel-perfect by any means, it’s been a hell of a lot of work getting to where I’m at now, and I feel confident enough to set the Miracle technology aside and bare the parts of me I’ve historically tried my best to cover up. It’s just a swimsuit, but for me it sure represents how far I’ve come in the whole weight loss effort. If you’d told me four months ago that I’d be buying a two piece anytime soon, I’d have thought you were drinking a tall cold glass of shithouse-rat-crazy.

JB, it should be said, did not wince when I modeled the suits for him. I believe his words were, “I’d hit that.” O, that sweet pillow-talking man of mine.

:::

In other news,

1) Go tell my aunt she needs to abandon this crazy idea of taking a blog hiatus because her email notification thingie stopped working, because 1) she’s such a great writer and it’s a damn shame to miss out on her posts for ANY reason and 2) I feel guilty as hell because I can’t figure out how to fix her plugin.

and 2) We are driving way the hell down to the Oregon coast tomorrow for a week of vacation. I’m looking forward to the change of scenery, but hoo boy, not so much the effort to get there. Someone needs to invent a Battlestar-esque jump technology for bypassing seven-hour roadtrips with small children, either that or we as a society need to cease and desist with this pesky business of declaring drugs “unhealthy” and “dangerous”. A couple tranquilizer darts for them, a pill or two for me . . . I can almost promise everyone would arrive in a much happier frame of mind. Wish us luck, and have a wonderful weekend!

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Felicia
Felicia
13 years ago

Linda you are so HAWT! If I were into girls, I, too, would hit that.

Have a fun trip!

Pete
Pete
13 years ago

I was thinking what JB was. My bad.

Mary O
Mary O
13 years ago

I can’t believe you in your bikini! You look so freaking fabulous. It’s just not right for a mom with such a young baby!
I know what you mean about the car trip. We regularly make the 6+ hour drive from very Southern Oregon to Portland with a toddler and baby. It’s like descending into the innermost circles of H.E.L.L. Drugs or tranqs would make it so much better for everyone involved.

Sunny
Sunny
13 years ago

Ay chee wa wa! You rock!

Thanks for your continued inspiration that someday a tankini could be possible. In the meantime, I’ll be over here wrapped in my “it’s a f*cking Miracle I can still breathe when wrapped this tight” Suit. Happy Vacationing!

rai
rai
13 years ago

You look AWESOME.

Jennifer
Jennifer
13 years ago

you look great!!

hollylynne
13 years ago

“i’d hit that” . . .bwahahahaahhaahahahh. MEN!

You look smokin’ in that bikini, you give me hope that bikinis after babies are TOTALLY DOABLE (not that i have a baby, but i plan to at some point in the near future and since i’m excessively vain i’m actualy kinda more freaked out about my belly than i am about, you know, labor)

Kathryn
Kathryn
13 years ago

Dude, you look like a rock star in that suit. And not the puffy, bloated, in-dire-need-of-rehab kind of rock star, but the kind who just plain kicks ass. Good for you!

Eric's Mommy
13 years ago

Linda you are HOT in that swimsuit! You go girl!!

Kristin
Kristin
13 years ago

Very cute swimsuit! Way to go!

Sarah
13 years ago

Your taut, healthy slimness in that picture literally made me stop the M and M’s that were mindlessly journeying to my gaping pie hole. I thought, “Hmm. These are not going to help you look awesome in a swimsuit, like this person on your computer screen. RETHINK.”

Maxine Dangerous
13 years ago

You look HOT and I *am* into girls. Wiggling eyebrows, total skeevy perv, trust-me-this-is-a-compliment, please-keep-reading-my-blog-if-you-do comment: I’d hit that three times and then take you out for a milkshake. :D

Kate
13 years ago

I officially hate you. AND your rock hard stomach. :)

Stephanie
Stephanie
13 years ago

Hot mama! Oh, and P.S. That skirt swimsuit not only looks adorable, but if you happen to be between waxing appointments it will be your little secret. Believe me, it’s saved me many times!!

Lesley
Lesley
13 years ago

You only want to bludgeon him if he decides to start wearing a Speedo.

I left a comment on your flickr a few days ago commending your 6-pack (yeah, that’s a 6 pack…own it, girl!). You look awesome and that is a very cute little outfit.

The weather is supposed to be PERFECT this weekend so I hope you get lots of swimming in. Is Dog going? I hope so. Enjoy! :)

alina
alina
13 years ago

I’ve never had kids, but whenever I see a woman who has, and who is brave enough (in this stupid society of ours) to show her body, I do a little dance in my head, and raise a fist for womanhood and motherhood.

OmegaMom
13 years ago

How cool! You look faboo! And that’s a totally cute swimsuit, to boot.

OT: I welled up with the tears at Matt Harding’s video, too.

houndrat
13 years ago

That is an awesome bikini and the body in it looks even better! Kudos to you for being so friggin hot!

Julie
13 years ago

Are those…abs?

I’ve never had them myself, but I have heard tell of them, and from what I have read in my scholarly pursuit of knowledge, those are a prime specimen.

…If they are, indeed, the abs much celebrated in legend and song.

Traci Anne
13 years ago

OH WHAT THE HELL.

Sugar plum, I’m barely 24 and my abs sure as shit don’t look like that. Why were you hiding them?!

Now get that cute butt out of that skirty bottom thing and into a proper bikini bottom, kay? Thx.

Swistle
13 years ago

You look so great. I just read your Gather post about reaching goals, and it’s really inspiring. I’ve never been There, either! And when I say “inspiring,” I think I should point out that I am THIS VERY MINUTE eating directly out of a saucepan of hot fudge sauce. Where you are looks…distant.

MotherGooseAmy
MotherGooseAmy
13 years ago

You look AWSOME. Now I HATE you! :)

KD
KD
13 years ago

You look so awesome and your fitness story is so inspiring that MAYBE I’ll stop talking about exercising and eating healthy and actually start DOING it. A miracle! Thanks for the motivation– I’d like to look like that at some point in my life! :)

Christina
13 years ago

Feels good dosent it? I thought I’d be in a tankini myself but didnt have to after all. I also share the looks okay standing but sort of tuck it in when you sit down, post baby foldover. Hope the vacation is a great one.

warcrygirl
13 years ago

OMG, that suit looks awesome! And you in it, of course. We once drove down to the southern tip of Florida, a 14 hour drive altogether; if we survived so can you. Have a great trip!

Liz
Liz
13 years ago

I’m jealous but too lazy to do anything about it. I’m such an inspiration.

Anyway, I got a suit at Macy’s but it’s not on their site. It’s really flattering but I’m afraid to wear it in public because the neckline goes down past my boobs. It’s… daring. I do feel pretty good about how good my boobs look after pregnancy and 2 freaking years of breastfeeding.

Amber
13 years ago

Okay, I have to admit this: I am 26 and have never had children, and you look WAY sexier in a bikini than me. BITCH. :)

Amblus
13 years ago

Every girl deserves a bikini and you are rocking that one!

Over-Medicated Housewife

You look FABU…what did they think you were doing in there with a camera? Have fun in that suit!

RubiaLala
13 years ago

Although I’m not sure it qualifies as a word, I have one word for you.

MILF.

Michelle
13 years ago

Holy hell! You look amazing! If I had not seen photographic evidence of both your pregnancy and the resulting delicious baby I would not believe you had so recently been storing another human being in that belly.

Maria
13 years ago

The first thing I thought was “WHAT IF YOU JUMP RIGHT NEXT TO A CYLON BASE SHIP.”

Followed by “you’ll need adorable singing-Geta to let you know if you have DRADIS contact.”

Yikes.

Have an awesome trip. Also you look banging in the bikini.

ladyloo
13 years ago

You are now officially the bravest woman on the internet.

sweetney
13 years ago

you fucking rule, the end.

Jamie :)
Jamie :)
13 years ago

You look INCREDIBLE!!! CONGRATS on all of your hard work–you TOTALLY deserve to be sporting a bikini! YAY!!!

Jamie :)
Jamie :)
13 years ago

You look INCREDIBLE!!! CONGRATS on all of your hard work–you TOTALLY deserve to be sporting a bikini! YAY!!!

Jamie :)
Jamie :)
13 years ago

You look INCREDIBLE!!! CONGRATS on all of your hard work–you TOTALLY deserve to be sporting a bikini! YAY!!!

Catherine
13 years ago

You look great. And good for you to accept that you look great. I think too often people (women) are much to hard on themselves. You totally deserve this win.

StyckyWycket
13 years ago

I think your bathing suit looks great: the suit is cute, and for two kids, your abs look great (shit: I’m 24 with no kids and wish I had some definition like that).

Niki P
13 years ago

Yeah- Cherry chapstick coming at you!!

Nicki
Nicki
13 years ago

Seriously, you are screwing with the whole baby weight thing. Kidding. Congratulations. It is hard work to lose it and you should be proud. Those of us with weight still to lose will just have to hate you. Just joking, be proud of all you have done.

Janssen
13 years ago

Wow, you look AMAZING!

Dawn
Dawn
13 years ago

Echoing what everybody else is saying….. you look GREAT!!! Nobody would ever guess that you just had a baby a few months ago! And that skirt is just so cute on you!! Keep up the good work!

Lori O
13 years ago

Congrats on the two-piece! You look great. The fact that you can post the photo of you on your blog means you know you look great too. Gosh I hope I can get to that point soon…

willikat
13 years ago

without being weird or creepy, you have a hot body! you should definitely be showing it off!! and that is an adorable suit. congratulations on all your hard work, it is paying off!!!

Allison
Allison
13 years ago

Congrats on your first bikini! I’m praying to the flappy-skin gods that I may be able to wear one one day.

Frank
13 years ago

I think I’ll go with JB’s comment. You rock it.

pam
pam
13 years ago

dayum! hell yeah you should be wearing a bikini. great job, you earned it!

Mel
Mel
13 years ago

Totally jealous. Seriously, I wish I could look like you in a bathing suit. As it is, anyone not blinded by my fluorescent paleness probably wants to run screaming from my miracle-suit-needing pudge!
You look fabulous. :)

Kris
Kris
13 years ago

I think I’m going to have to ditto what Kate said, totally hating you and your rock hard abs! My youngest is 2.5 and I still don’t look that fab! You go girl! Enjoy your trip!