Sometimes when I’m making Riley do something he doesn’t want to do, he starts wailing for JB. “Daaaaaaaaaddyyyyyyyy,” he snivels in his best skull-rupturing whine as I force him to endure some mighty injustice, such as having his butt wiped. YOUR DADDY CAN’T SAVE YOU NOW, I think evilly, but I just count to ten and remind Riley that Daddy’s at work, where presumably he is not being required to remove poop from anyone’s rectum, the lucky bastard.

He does the same thing to JB. “MOMMMMMMY,” he’ll howl from his bedroom, where he’s being marched at gunpoint into his pajamas. If I’m within eyesight, he’ll reach his arms out to me beseechingly, his great liquid brown eyes Bambi-like in their sorrow. It’s sort of annoying/funny how he seems to think the parent who isn’t in the midst of the unrewarding activity might just swoop in and put an end to it — he has yet to learn that JB and I are mostly a unified, heartless team when it comes to discipline, and neither of us can be swayed by piteous moans, calls for help, or haddock-like thrashing.

The playing field is fairly even these days, when it comes to Riley’s affections. Sometimes he wants his dad, sometimes he wants his mom; most of the time he’s happiest when we’re both around. He likes to test our individual boundaries (ie, when JB tells Riley no, he’ll turn to me and tattle: “Mommy, Daddy said I can’t haaaave that,” clearly hoping I’ll overrule the decision), but overall he doesn’t seem to prefer one parent’s company over the other’s.

It is nothing like it used to be, and that situation improved so gradually I only recently realized how different things really are. I can’t tell you how awful some of those moments were, and for everyone who gently reminded me that it was a stage, thank you. You were right. It may be uneven again in the future, or maybe we’ll go through a rejection/preference period with Dylan, but I’ll try and remember that nothing is permanent. Everything is always, always changing.

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Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
15 years ago

It was the same for me, Eric totally favored his Dad for awhile and I felt awful. Now it is the other way around though and Eric totally favors me.

samantha jo campen
15 years ago

I was wondering how things were going with that, but didn’t want to ask in case they were horrible and I didn’t want to make you cry!

Glad it’s better. Whew.

squandra
squandra
15 years ago

Awww, I knew this day would come, and I can only imagine how hard it was to wait for. Yay!

nonsoccermom
15 years ago

Yay! It really does make things easier, doesn’t it? And more pleasant.

And “haddock-like thrashing” – HAAAAAAA.

Amy
Amy
15 years ago

At 6 & 4, both boys still seem to do that if-moomy-says-no-i’ll-ask-daddy thing. With daddy currently driving cross country 5 days a week, it has now become an evil stare toward me with a pitiful, “I’m going to call daddy.” Of course, when they do he simply says listen to your mother. I’m not sure they will grow out of that phase. But glad the love is spread more evenly now for you. Parenting certainly is a roller coaster!

Jamie
15 years ago

I am so, SO happy that things have turned around. I remember the way you used to write about Riley favoring JB and it broke my heart.

Shannon
15 years ago

Its funny, with my daughter she always preferred me (much to my husband’s dismay) and now I have a son who totally prefers my husband…actually shrinking away if I try to take him out of Dad’s arms. It hurts me, and I suppose I’m feeling some of the pain my husband must have felt when my daughter did these things to him.

My daughter is three now and she uses her preferences to her advantage. If I am going to put her to bed, she wants her Daddy and vice versa…so its more even now….I can only hope Colin wants us equally in the future. Until then, I’ll remember your story! And try not to let it bother me so much!

Korinna
15 years ago

I’m cringing at the thought of when Ezra starts showing preference for one over the other. I know it’ll feel like a slap in the face/kick in the balls.

Pete
Pete
15 years ago

Boys, when they get older, will start to prefer their father to their mother. Drives my wife nuts.

Krissa
Krissa
15 years ago

When I was about 5, I remember trying to get my dad to let me do something that mom had already vetoed. He looked me directly in the eye and asked if I had already asked mom – I told him the truth – and he said firmly, in terms that a 5-year-old could understand, that mom and dad will have the same answer, every time. And if I ever tried to get one of them to let me do something that had already received the negative, I was in t-r-o-u-b-l-e.
I never tried that again, even in my teens. I think it definitely helped that my parents were very much a team and his word was to be believed.

Crystal
15 years ago

My kids want me when I am here. (Which is all the time since I am SAHM)

Whenever my husband is around, Mom cant do anything. They only want daddy. I guess its ok, b/c it gives me a break from carseat buckling, juice cup filling, and ass wiping.

But its a little disheartening when I say “Mommy can do that for you.” And they reply with “NO MOMMY, I AM TALKING TO DADDY.”

When my son (he is 4) asks me for something and I say NO. He answers with, “Well, Daddy already said, Yes.”
Super, he is already playing us.

Kristi
15 years ago

I think things switch up again pretty good when they become teenagers. Here’s hoping for balance at your house and at mine for many years to come!

Swistle
15 years ago

“Haddock-like thrashing”–hee! One of my three-year-olds currently prefers ME—and DRAMATICALLY—and it leaves me dazed. And, you know, CONFUSED. Because it has never happened.

Heather-in-Australia
Heather-in-Australia
15 years ago

That must feel lovely :).
And PS, “Baby Winehouse”? Fucking hilarious :)!!

Lesley
Lesley
15 years ago

Glad to hear Riley’s shifted but oh I hear you on the whining. *sigh* Parenting can feel thankless sometimes.

When Dylan’s older you’ll have the added delight of your kids fighting with each other over stupid shit. It’s even more fun when they’re old enough to call you at work to resolve a dispute. (Something we used to do to my mom, making her completely crazy.)

tash
15 years ago

I know Pete says boys prefer their dads when they get older but I’ve seen my brother’s love for my mother and there’s nothing to rival that. On top of that, you’re one of the super active mums who can do anything daddy can do. You’re not like other mums who might choose to stay at home while the “boys” go for a hike. So even though there may be some shifting between you two at times I wouldn’t worry too much. Really pleased it all evened out right now though. Sounded really tough before.

MEP
MEP
15 years ago

I had to get divorced because every time my daughter would go to her dad because I was being a big ole meanie, he would use it as an opportunity to swoop in and be the hero, and reinforce that the two of them were a unified team and mommy was not part of it. Sounds like you and JB have it figured out!

Christina
Christina
15 years ago

My son is about a year younger than Riley…I think. He goes through the same bouts of liking one of us better. Recently, when I drop him off at Grandma’s during the week, he is very standoffish and yells “NO” when Grandma comes to give him a kiss, and he runs away from her. The minute I leave, he’s fine. He also does that when there are too many of us around (mom, dad, uncles, grandparents, etc) like he can’t share the love, so he’s “mean” to everyone. It’s funny sometimes!

Andee
15 years ago

Hi Linda – I’m a lurker for several years now. Thank you for keeping this blog, it has brought so many smiles and giggles! And – you have been tagged! :) Check out my blog for details (http://andeesigns.blogspot.com/)

Philos
15 years ago

“haddock-like thrashing” is a lovely turn of phrase.

reviewstew
15 years ago

I think these kinds of behaviors phase in and out over the years, and of course are really different for every kid. I was worried that the “but mommy doesn’t make me…” stuff would increase post-divorce, but it really hasn’t, thank goodness.

Jennifer
15 years ago

We didn’t deal with too much favoritism, re: mom vs. dad, but my daughter really loved her preschool teacher and would always threaten to “tell on us” for such things as making her take a nap, not letting her have candy, etc…
(Yes, and I was all “Sure, go ahead and tell Ms. Pam that I wouldn’t let you eat that Snickers bar!” but she still used it as a threat, all the time!)

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