Oct

27

The Curious Incident of the Dog Toy in the Night

Back in July or thereabouts, I was working at my computer one morning when I noticed a person moving through in the backyard. The kids were planted in front of the TV, so I went outside to investigate, where I saw a raggedy youngish guy walking purposefully through our yard to the back fence. I yelled “Hey!” but he never even turned around, just made a beeline for the fence, which he climbed, then disappeared into the yard of the house behind us — leaving our gate wide open, might I add.

I was pretty rattled and ended up calling the police, who immediately sent an officer over to investigate. He was surprisingly thorough (by the time he arrived I felt a little silly, but he confirmed I’d made the right decision by notifying them), and even brought in another car or two to look for the guy, but they didn’t find him. The officer told me it was likely someone looking to gain quick access to a yard or through street, maybe because they’d stolen something, and he said there had been some sketchy activity in the neighborhood adjacent to our backyard.

I tell you that story to give you a partial explanation for my ridiculous behavior a week ago. We were just finishing up dinner when the dog appeared with a weird plastic doohickey hanging out of her mouth, and while I brushed it off as a piece of random garbage from the garage, JB insisted it looked like drug paraphernalia of some kind. Remembering the backyard intruder, I started googling around to try and figure out what the item was, and I came across a photo of an identical object: plastic bag, cotton stuffing, plastic corrugated tube sticking out. The forum poster was equally confused, but plenty of folks were quick to share an unpleasant explanation: it’s used for huffing gasoline or paint thinner. People soak the cotton filter with a solvent of some kind, then inhale the fumes through the tube.

Goddammit, I thought. Now we have gas huffers throwing their drug shit in the yard where the kids play? So I called the police again, and when the non-emergency line just rang and rang (seriously, no voicemail?), I went online and filed a lengthy report, including multiple photos of the evidence.

Fast forward several days to last night, when I returned from the store with a new squeaker toy for the dog. She’d destroyed her former one (R.I.P. “Skunkit”), so I’d bought a stuffed hedgehog that made the same comical grunting sound when she chewed it. She was enormously pleased:

Herp derp I gots a new squeaker oh boy oh boy

But less than half an hour later she’d managed to tear its fabric wide open. And lo and behold, emerging from the toy’s back was the EXACT SAME DRUG BAG. Holy fuck, how had the huffers managed to get inside our house and stash their paraphernalia into a plush hedgehog?

the gory remains

Oh. Ohhh. Ohhhhhhhhh. Oh, I see. Well, that’s both a relief and a SERIOUS EMBARRASSMENT, Dog.

I can only hope no one at the Eugene police department recognized the object in the FIVE photos I sent — documented sternly from various angles, mind you — and is still laughing themselves sick at the paranoid drug-phobic lady who probably calls 911 like EVERY DAY.

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AnEmilyB
AnEmilyB
9 years ago

Oh my lanta that is a funny, funny story!

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Katherine
Katherine
9 years ago

It’s a good object lesson in how context colors perception. Would you have had the same reaction to the first find if you hadn’t had the incident with the guy in your yard?

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kristin
kristin
9 years ago

Hahaha! FIVE angles, no less! ;)

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Courtney
Courtney
9 years ago

HA! I probably would have done the same thing.

Our golden retriever generally leaves her stuffed animals alone, until they have a tear in the seams and then it is game over. She Must! Tear! Stuffing! Out! The best part is when our 2 year old finds the stuffing and becomes horrified. “Oh no! Oh no, Mama! Doggie! Doggie no no! Oh no Doggie!”

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Jeanette
Jeanette
9 years ago

Ha ha! That’s hilarious!

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Christine
Christine
9 years ago

Oh but Dog’s FACE at the new toy. She’s so so cute.

Also, holy fuck that is scary that someone was in your yard. I hope Dog has a nice growly bark to scare any possible person away.

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H
H
9 years ago

Now THAT is something I would do!

By the way, your dog is adorable beyond words. I love her face and gorgeous fur. I’m glad she’s a “ripper” and not an “eater” like ours. The last stuffed toy our lab/pointer touched had 4 squeakers, one in each hand and foot, and he ate each appendage whole including the squeakers. $3000 later we got them back from the vet who removed them from his stomach.

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Anonymous
Anonymous
9 years ago

uhm.. maybe edit the drive out of the post? just being paranoid here..

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Ashley
Ashley
9 years ago

Best. Story . Evah!

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Shannon
Shannon
9 years ago

Okay, I’m gonna t/ell my embarrassing story to hopefully make you feel better. I’ve never told anyone this before. Back in 2002 (you know, after 9/11) when I worked in downtown Seattle, I was taking a lunch break walk. I passed a bank and in the landscaping in front of the bank, I noticed about three long dark red sticks that each had a little wick sticking out of the end of them. Upon closer inspection, they looked exactly like little sticks of dynamite to me. SOMEONE WAS TARGETING THE BANK! I ran into the bank and asked to speak to the manager, and explained what was out there in breathless tones. He asked me to show him where this dynamite was, so we walked out together and I pointed dramatically at the sticks. He glanced down, then looked at me and said very politely, “Those are flares. You know, the kind people keep in their car trunk for emergencies.” I turned beet red and thanked him, then quickly walked away. I wanted to sink into the ground with embarrassment–I’d never seen a car flare before! I was over 30 at the time. I’m pretty sure he’s still telling this story at parties to this day, hooting with laughter. Such a chump I am!

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Kristin
Kristin
9 years ago

It DOES look like something supiscious without the hedgehog on it!! p.s. I REALLY like the title of the post!!

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Ang
Ang
9 years ago

I’m totally paranoid as well – someone broke into a house 3 doors down a couple of summers ago while they went to pick up a pizza! If someone is parked on our street, idling away (and probably just on a cell phone call), I back out of the garage, snap a pic of their license plate, and save it. Just in case, they’re, you know, casing the joint.

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Mary Clare
Mary Clare
9 years ago

Ha ha! Funny story! JB has to take some the blame for egging you on – the “drug paraphernalia”! I mean, would you have written a up a report to the police without that idea planted in your brain?

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sara
sara
9 years ago

I love this post. Hilarious.

Insane paranoia must be a rite of passage that comes with age. It seems like just yesterday I was 18 and getting caught by the police when my boyfriend and I parked on a side street in my neighborhood to.. um.. “make out”. But now, a mere 14 years later, I totally call the cops on cars that park on the curve near our house. I’m ALWAYS convinced something nefarious is going down.

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Alison
Alison
9 years ago

So so funny! And your dog is so gorgeous. Our chocolate lab passed not too long ago and she so reminds me of him in the face.

Our other dog is kind of an anomaly (at least in my experience) – he adores and cherishes his toys, gently nibbling them until I weary of looking at the sad things and get him new ones.

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Kizz
Kizz
9 years ago

I love this story. Damn, DOG.

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9 years ago

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Amanda
Amanda
9 years ago

So, the part of this that gets me the most is the shadyass guy in your back yard. Glad you have the pup now – that’ll help keep the creepos away. I used to work for the local police department, and that was our number one piece of advice: Get a dog, ANY DOG. Houses that even have chihuahuas aren’t easy targets because even though the dogs are little, they’re loud, and creepos don’t like loud even more than they don’t like the idea of getting bitten by anything, no matter how small. Your retelling of that guy gave me the yucks, though. To just keep going like he was on a mission. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

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9 years ago

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9 years ago

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Stephanie Butcher
Stephanie Butcher
9 years ago

Our chew toys last about two seconds – we have a “Dogue de Bordeaux” (French Mastiff,) and he annihilates those things. I’ve found some strange things in there – weird plastic and funky old stuffing. I think I’m going to start making my own.

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9 years ago

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